(This is what the gun to my head feeling looks like)
Iāve gotten many many people who have suggested things like this to me āThere is absolutely NO reason to use it. Do what literally everyone before you has had to do, and find REAL social connection. Irl friends, clubs, discord, tumblr communities, idkā or āBut there will ALWAYS be someone, you just need to look for them.ā
So Iām here to see if thatās true or not, Iām going to post here whenever the stress becomes to much I will not bounce it off AI but I will contact my friends at the same time. This isnāt for attention and itās not me posting to 10 different places to get attention this is me trying to prove a point
Static- this refers to when the stress of the outside world gets to the point where there is a voice in my head that tells me to kill myself. It is a defense mechanism that my brain put in place due to abuse in 2024 most of the time itās a whisper, but there are points where it is loud if I mention the static, this is what Iām talking about
āGun to my headā- the gun to my head is a way I describe the physical pressure. I sometimes feel within my head sometimes itās not due to anything actually physical many times it is due to weather pressure or stress but the way I describe it is like a gun to my head. Iām not in any danger.
Checking- I have a very bad habit that is a left over from years of stress and being on high alert and what that is is, I tend to check on users who either have blocked me or who I feel are a threat to me or to themselves and no one else and I feel no one else sees it if I say that I have done good with not checking I am talking about not going to the specific users or website websites, I do not want to go into specifics or detail about who these users are or what it is just know that checking is not a good thing
Safe dark- safe dark is what I call my interest in things that arenāt necessarily usually comfort or cozy, but I find comfort in them vampires, dark Romance, dark shipping pro shipping to a degree, as well as books with suicidal main protagonist and taboo books these things to me, quiet the static and the voice. If you hear me mention safe dark it is me mentioning a book or a show or a feeling from my own writing.
Sentry- this is what I called the coping mechanism in my head that has been on high alert since I was a child. It is the guard in my head that alerts when I suddenly panic that I forgot something or when high levels of stress get too much itās the one thatās telling me to end it all it is not a real person or thing. It is a metaphor for the for my brain and for the safety precautions, my brain has put in place or what it considers a safety precaution.
Clowns- any sort of online drama doesnāt matter who with I will be calling them clowns here as to distance myself from the actual drama and just document many times the people have good intentions, but they donāt understand my situation. They are not in my shoes or in my town they do not understand what I am going through on a deep level they understand what Iām going through by when I say I speak with AI they are the first to jump on the no no no AI is Bad instead of causing drama and stirring up more stress. I will be referring to any interaction online that has a negative repercussion as clowns.
What I plan on doing is anytime the clowns trigger me or the defense mechanism in my brain goes off instead of going to AI. I will write about it here and I will document what happens. Did anyone human respond? Try and DM me? Actually give me good advice? Respond in a timely manner or at all or did I wait for hours before I got a response?
For the time being, I will disconnect Gemini from my phone and rely on human interaction for when these things happen for the next two weeks.
tangentwithtanner
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