“Why do I have this blog? Why are you “pro-ana?” Why are you glorifying EDs?“
I don’t want to. And I’m not, at least not actively. I guess I’m not condemning EDs either. Well here it is.
It destroys you. It’s obsessive and predatory.
And god, please. Don’t ever start. And please recover.
Then “why?” Why have this blog?
Because I have nothing else.
My family doesn’t notice, my friends encourage my weightloss. They mean the best but they just don’t get it.
I’m not just some random person who wants to lose weight and says “oh I guess I’ll do anorexia.”
My life is fucking shit. Ana gives me purpose. She gives me a goal and a distraction from depression and other mental illness. From a fucked up home life. She promises to mend my broken self image and make me someone lovable.
And I’m not stupid, I know it’s not going to work out like that. I’ll just be ill and unwell and manipulating how I see my body. It’s sickness, I know it is, and I am suffering.
But if I let go of that hope of “maybe what she promises will come true” then I’ll have basically nothing left.
I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. I hurt when I see others go through this. But I need this community.
This is so incredibly isolating and shameful. How do you tell someone that you can’t eat today because you woke up in the morning and your stomach wasn’t flat and it made you cry? How do you admit that if you make me eat butter I’ll have an anxiety attack? The pro-ana community let’s me admit what I’m going through anonymously.
It’s pathetic. And I only mean this towards myself. If it was anyone else I urge you, please please speak up.
But I can’t. I just can’t. Maybe it’s pride, more likely it’s fear. Of being weak. Of being hurt. Of being ripped of the future, however unrealistic, where I’ll be skinny and people will care about me.
This community is toxic in a way that’s unique. It’s filled with wonderful compassionate people who deserve the best, but we’re all unwell. And deep down we all know it but we keep on.
I’m not peer pressured into anorexia, I’m not doing it because it’s “glamorous” neither am I trying to make it seem so. And from what I’ve seen, other pro-ana blogs seem the same.
We’re here because we’re depending on this mental illness. Each individual. Each story.
And it’s nice to live in a fantasy for a moment. Look at thin people and imagine how life will be like that. Post sweet messages to assure each other, and mean ones to motivate. To support one another in this path that teters on the edge of a fucking cemetery.
Because this is our life and for one reason or another each of us are here for a reason.
You *never* see anti recovery posts here because we commend those who make it out. It’s a downward spiral painting in calorie free sugar. It’s not a game. It’s not a lifestyle.
Why don’t we all quit and just recover then? Why don’t I quit and just recover?
It’s because I feel like I don’t deserve to.
I know I should but I don’t. Because I’m chasing this fantasy, because ana is my crutch.
And this community assures me I’m not alone. That what I’m chasing is obviously bad, but I’m not the only one. It’s fucked up and it shouldn’t exist but it’s let’s me indulge and for a moment I’m just
And it doesn’t tell me to stop because “just eat” isn’t going to fix me. I’m anorexic. I’m still going to be anorexic. This community just let’s me be what I already am.
Anyone can tell you “you’re beautiful” so many communities say “all bodies are perfect.” And I agree, but I’m the exception. And that pro-ana blog thinks she’s the exception. And her, and her, and him, and her, and them.
And then you hear the voice that doesn’t say what you always hear and never believe.
“You’re big, you’re fat, you’re ugly
you have the power to change that.”
And for once the power is in my hands. I can be beautiful. I can have that chance, that possibility, that fantasy.
I want to be like thinspo.
I want to be this dream version of me.
I want to be supported for a moment and have a goal
And even just a twisted self punishment
Not just “all bodies are beautiful”
But I’m here for some of the same reasons as so many others
It’s not because it’s beautiful to be anorexic. It’s not.
It’s because I fucking hate myself.
And I’ll do anything to be anything but this.
And I can’t justify this community. I know it does more harm than good.
But I admit that I need it right now. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I don’t want to be fat anymore. I don’t want to be this.
If the pro-ana community would die it would be for the best. But honestly, I’d suffer.
And so the last thing I have to say is
I know this is wrong. And I’m sorry.
And I’m sorry if you’re like me and those words mean nothing.
Anas, Rexes, Mias, and everyone else. I love you. You’re too good for this. I’m so sorry.
Anti-proanas. I’m sorry as well. I cannot feign ignorance that this is destructive but please just understand why
There’s nothing beautiful about anorexia