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Discoholic 🪩
Janaina Medeiros
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shark vs the universe
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noise dept.
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trying on a metaphor
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YOU ARE THE REASON
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DEAR READER
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@caninescanines
today fucking sucked so bad, i feel like my future is ruined, i’m terrified for the rest of the year and my life, and now my stupid fucking anti-depressants are making me not be able to even cum when i jerk off. THIS SHIT SUCKS. i want to kill myself
i am truly at my limit hoooly shiiit i wanna die so fucking bad. it would literally fix all my problems. i’m so sick and tired of this shit
a couple days ago, at 9pm, i drove to the beach. i’ve been wanting to go to the beach for a long time, which was strange because i’m terrified of the ocean and don’t even like the beach itself that much. but for some reason it just… called to me — which is completely lame. but i listened and i drove. i walked the entirety of the beach and then sat in the sand, staring out into the dark water, waiting. waiting for what? i don’t know. some sign, maybe. hope. but all that i got were the waves crashing over each other and the light at the end of the dock flickering. maybe that was the sign.
i don’t know. what i do know is that for the hour or so i was at the beach, i didn’t have a single thought outside of: “i am at the beach. it is cold. the sand feels nice.” and i think that’s exactly what i needed.
wanting to kill myself to avoid disappointing everyone is kind of ironic
i think the one thing keeping me alive is the fact that i really don’t want to die without getting a tattoo. that’s so lame. but hey, it works.
why is being suicidal so embarrassing
living for other people is starting to become too much
i genuinely believe that i am not meant to live long. like, i can't see myself ever even getting to my 30s, let alone my 50s, and especially not my 80s. i just think I'm supposed to die young.
having vaginismus and also believing that the only worth you have in this world is as a sex toy is a sick fucking joke. no one is ever going to want to be with me cause, in the long run, they’re gonna get pretty fucking bored of handjobs and blowjobs. god knows id let my partner see other people for real sex but im so fucking insecure id start thinking they like them more than me cause they can give them what they want. i have grown to hate every last inch of my body and the one thing—the one power—i thought i had left is gone.
guess the good news is that it’s gonna be hard for someone to rape me again. so. yay. i guess.
jesus fucking christ as if i couldn’t hate my body more, god decides to fuck me over for no reason once again just because i’m starting to attempt an actual sexual recovery from my last assault
tiktokers have honest to god no concept of what intrusive thoughts are. no, your brain telling you to take a bite of your friend’s food or push your sister into the pool are not what intrusive thoughts are. those are impulsive thoughts. if i told any tiktoker who claims to have “intrusive thoughts” what my brain tells me, they would be disgusted with me and think i’m the worst kind of person. they aren’t fun. they make me scared of myself and want to kill myself most of the time.
i hate my fucking body!!!!!
god i fucking hate my body.
i’m so short. so skinny. no cute clothes ever fucking fit me and i can never find shoes in my size. i want platforms! i want crop tops! i want to look fucking sexy and pretty and WHATEVER but i can’t because no matter what i look like a fucking kid. no one is ever going to be attracted to me—at least no one but pedophiles who think im a god damn child. it’s devastating and makes me sick. and i’m not even getting any better with my weight. at this point i hope it kills me. i just don’t care. i can’t see myself living long enough to do anything special, or even anything at all. i’m hopeless.
i want to talk to a therapist but god they’re so expensive.
jesus christ i want to die
it’s genuinely impossible to eat this morning. the texture of everything is making want to vomit, but i’m scared i’ll faint in or on my way to class because my stomach already hurts. why does my own body betray itself
i can’t stop thinking about how much i hate my body. god, i would do anything to be biologically male. anything. i want to look in the mirror and like what i see for at least one goddamn time before i kill myself.
because i am going to kill myself. i know i keep saying it and saying it and never doing it, but i will. i’m going to do it sometime in the next 7 years. i know that’s a long time, or even an awkward amount of time, but 7 has always been my favorite number.
