So it goes

ally. infj. solitude is the profoundest fact of the human condition.

[dantesinfernal]

If you ever meet a man with a child I would urge you to never commit seriously to him. Being a step parent is a punishment I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

[dantesinfernal]

My oldest nephew with the newest niece.

His hands are the first thing I noticed. His 4 year old fingers next to his 6 day old sister.

Time is a thief because I remember his little hands being as small as hers.

[tofublock]

finding solace 🌼

[akindplace]

toastedbyeli

[dantesinfernal]

I’ve decided to give up. I can’t do anything right or correct and I’ll always be a burden.

[dantesinfernal]

Did feminism lie to all of us? I genuinely wonder what 50/50 looks like in most houses. I’ve recently lost my job and my husband said that I can move into more of a homemaking and housewife role. He and I pretty much split chores equally, so I would be taking over his areas so he can focus on work since we run our own business and it sometimes takes up 24/7 of his time.

Now, part of me is excited to be a housewife. I love the idea of just making the house comfortable and happy and cooking but part of me is disgusted at myself for wanting to be just at home crafting and making our home. Because why did I go to college, why did I work so hard to be independent, why did I detest the idea of marriage for so long because I knew this would happen?

It’s made me angry at the feminism taught by the 90’s women who wanted us to be independent and free and away from oppressive men! I was taught to fear being controlled through this when really I’m able to see that there is so much more nuance to it. How can children even be equated into this while still adhering to the 90’s feminism? That seems actually insane to me.

Like sure I won’t be working but I’ll be controlling the money and bills. I’ll be the one taking over a lot of traditional masculine roles because my husband has told me over and over that he just wants to make the money and then I can do whatever I want with it- his words not mine.

And there will be days where I have to work (for our business) so would everything then fall on me house wise? I doubt it. I think my husband can see if I’m working to help him then he can work to help me… 50/50!

Running a house is a lot of work and no one told us that. Feminism really lied to us.

[dantesinfernal]

Tik tok is over its time for tumblr and Pinterest like it’s 2012 again.

[dantesinfernal]

My favorite thing is posting how loving my husband is and then 2 months later saying how he told me in an argument about how he wanted to buy me flowers but then stopped and said “why bother?” And didn’t buy me flowers. Hmmmmm love that for me.

[dantesinfernal]

My best friend is pregnant with her 3rd baby. Her oldest is my darling, her middle is my god baby, and I wonder what the newest will be.

[dantesinfernal]

I forgot my Gaga’s birthday and I felt like an actual monster. I sobbed in my car as I left the grocery store, seeing old men and reminding me of my Gaga. I told my husband to not freak out at the fact that I was crying. So he went and secretly bought cupcakes with candles so we could celebrate and sing and that’s what kind of person he is.

[dantesinfernal]

I have dreams where I’m holding a little boy. I think I need to mourn this child so I can move on, I’ve had the dreams like 5 nights in a row. Maybe if I actually feel for the child I’ll never have then I’ll move on. I fear even if my husband asked me to have a child I would tell him no. I genuinely do not want to give up my life and who I am for a baby even though a part of my brain wants one.

[dantesinfernal]

And like I love the child don’t get me wrong but I feel like I got bamboozled in a way.

When you dream of finding your person you don’t think “oh, I’m always 2nd in his mind.” “If there was a fire he’d save her and go to her first.”

Honeymoon? Let’s include her! Let’s include her let’s include her. I’m childless by choice and I feel like he’s forcing to be someone I’m not.

[dantesinfernal]

Been on 2 trips with my husband and we cancelled our honeymoon to Italy to build his daughter a room. That’s fine. Then went to south padre with both our families. Cool. Now Disney for his daughter. I guess I have to give up the fact that I married him AND her. Not he and I getting married.

Also, I’m always spending so much money by suggesting we go out to eat. Even though I didn’t get a honeymoon or even a vacation alone with my husband.

I love him so much but I can’t keep crying myself to sleep every night.

[dantesinfernal]

I win Valentine’s Day this year yes!!!

[dantesinfernal]

Also, it’s strange to me that we have to have conversations about kids because sometimes parts of me want a child. But overall kids sound terrible. I do not want them but there’s something I feel like I would want. It’s weird.

[dantesinfernal]

I love how I STILL to this day am traumatized by dating. I have dreams almost every night about my husband slowly losing interest. His texts being infrequent (we live together, our texts already are infrequent 😂) or not ever talking to me and randomly hitting me up out of nowhere.

The dreams are RELENTLESS and I have to remember when I wake up that I’m not in that same feeling anymore. I wonder how to cure it or make the dreams stop.

[dantesinfernal]

I hope I die when I am a sleep and never ever wake up