Fear is the prevailing emotion of the third millennium. Economic instability, terrorism, reality television, lost car keys; all conspire to create an unholy eon of alarm. Dawn of the Dread is the handbook to this new era. No one need fear the unknown again.
This compendium of modern horror catalogs the terrifying nouns of this new age. Cats, Guns, Bubble Gum, Hitler, Curse Words, Zombies, Hitler 2: 2 Legit 2 Quit, Unemployment, Twitter, Farch, Heavy Metal, Inconstant Gravity, Not Having Guns, Time, Money, Plants, Nuclear Weapons and more conspire to cripple us with anxiety. With this book we can turn our anxiety back into full-blown terror and the only thing we won’t have to fear is fear itself.
Don’t run away. Fear-mongering is a profit industry. The world will end in apocalypse. Economic, zombie, biblical, asteroid, or Botox-based; who can say? You’d have to be an asshole to remind people of this every day, unless you make money off it, in which case you become the type of wholesome fear-profiteer who built this great country. Join me in exploiting our communal dread for a quick buck and a cheap laugh.
Cuddly little things that generally ignore humans except when they can convince one to feed them by the application of well-timed purrs. Humans take this to mean “I like you,” but it better translates to, “I own you.” Cats are also the sole proprietors of the Internet.
Cats are little cuteykins, who just want to haz things. Despite their pretensions of glory, cats are not to be feared, except that they carry a nasty parasite called toxoplasmosis which causes schizophrenia, depression and death. All of which could damage your relationship with your cat, the poor thing.
No one can resist a kitten and by the time they grow up they have already got you trained, so be careful and don’t go handling cat shit. You don’t need to take it out of your shoe and put it in the litter box to teach your cat a lesson. He put it in there on purpose to teach you one.
Before the Internet, it used to be that you couldn't know everything in life. Back then an imagination was important to prepare you for events that you couldn't otherwise anticipate, like seeing a baboon. Imagination provides context for the impossible.
Now that everything is possible, this appendix of the soul can be ignored. However, occasionally imaginitis develops. The imagination becomes inflamed leaving you with a sharp pain in your frontal cortex and the distinct impression that there is more to life than what can be understood through rational thought. There isn't.
Unfortunately, scientists have not yet performed a successful imaginectomy. However, there are therapies that can reduce your imagination to a controllable size. Watch plenty of television, spend hours on the internet without knowing why, and avoid questioning authority as much as possible. These simple steps will assure that your imagination will become a shriveled up prune that will one day be plucked from your head by people who say you don’t need it anyway.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And Hitler. That guy’s fucking insane.”
"God helps those that help themselves, but not right away, so don't get your hopes up."
"To err is human, to forgive divine, so stuff your sorries in a box and blow it up God's ass for a change."
"Oh shit, I wanted to die of Black Lung and now I have to die of starvation."
"We finally found the cure for cancer. It was a sword all along. How elegantly simple. How we just need to find the cure for extensive sword wounds."
Bonus Pander to Chronicle Books Legal Department: All images used are in the public domain, at least according to the Internet and we can trust the Internet (spoiler: no we can't).
Fear knows no bounds. Other future installments on the Dawn of the Dread tumblr will feature:
An IM pissing contest between Death and Taxes over who's the more frightening.
Short films that touch on non-textual fear: Cinematic Scores, Color Wars, Toothpicks, Beauty, etc.
An audio guide to creepy hangup calls and what they mean.
Reblogs of scary images and confessions of real fear.
New reasons to fear every day.
Hipsters, LOLcats, memes and even books, all will pass, but fear is forever.
