CJ,
You donāt know how badly Iāve wanted to talk to you over the last couple weeks. How I wish I could take back everything I said. Itās not fair of me to push all that blame. Iām hurt, Iāve been hurt but itās not an excuse for the shit Iāve done and said. You are the only person in my life that I let myself truly fall in love withāto see a future with. I wonāt apologize anymore than I have and you shouldnāt apologize anymore either because it wonāt fix anything unfortunately.
I know for a fact that we are both mentally unstable people that were most definitely meant for each other.. just not at the time we met. Our relationship started due to loneliness and trauma, I think thatās exactly why none of our āworkingā through conversations ever worked. We were both broken people trying to pick up each otherās pieces and not realizing we were only doing more harm to one another. Which in turn, ruined anymore hope to āfixā it later on.
You are a loyal companion, youāre fierce in what you want, and you know exactly what to say half the time. Thatās why I loved you so fucking much, why I let you in so easily because youāre just like me. It feels like forever since I heard you say you loved me, but I think itās time I finally let you go. Iāve held on this long because Iām scared of being alone and Iām scared no one will understand me in depth as you have. Now Iām just scared of being hurt like this again, because it sucks, it sucks so fucking bad. I wish there was a switch to turn everything off so I didnāt have to feel anything. But unfortunately thatās all I can do, I have to feel this, live it and let it burn so that somehow I can over come it, so I can get over you.
I meant what I said when I told you that you were it for meāI wonāt love anyone else the way I loved you. Youāre under my skin, youāre everything I ever wanted in a partner. I probably sound like a broken fucking record, I just never knew how to say goodbye to someone because Iāve always held onto the hope shit would work out and we would talk again.
Iām empathetic in the pain Iāve cause you, I hope your life gets betterā¦ you deserve so much more kindness and love than what you have gotten. Iām not a big prayer or god believer, you know that but Iāll pray for you, to the one thing I believe in. Do better for yourself and whoever else you want to love in the future.
Cordially,
Lyra
