ask shouma anything!

[background will stay as that until i draw something new]

[disgustingginzaki]

intro!

“..W-Why are you willingly speaking to a disgusting maggot like me!?"

[[ hihi!! this is a shouma ginzaki ask blog!!! depending on the ask i will either respond with sprite or drawing, but more often than not i will respond using sprite work. ]]

“E-Even someone who doesn’t deserve them still has boundaries..” 

1- No nsfw or overly suggestive asks. [light suggestivity is okay!] ✮⋆˙

2- No racism, ableism, or any such topics [though any of these topics regarded inside of THL:LDA are allowed to be referred to. No real life stuff, please!] ✮⋆˙

3- mod doesn't mind most [if not all] shouma shipping -- but here are my preferred ships for him! — shorara, takesho, eishou, and shougamu! ✮⋆˙

4- its alright to bully Shouma, "Feel free to let out all your verbal stresses onto me..", but please don't go directly for mod, and don't go too hard on the insulting in the askbox. [though i guess this counts to rule three in a way dont call shouma slurs even if he says you can i promise you cant do that]

- [mod is a minor + goes by she/her! you can call her starr ദ്ദി◝ ⩊ ◜) ]

[[a-also.. uhm.. affiliated with @righteous-aotsuki, @oosuzuki-nightmare and @gakuthegoat..]]

[oosuzuki-nightmare]

"I hate this... my stomach hurts, and now my mask is ruined..."

Kurara sniffles. Her voice shakes as she speaks, and the trashcan beside her shows that she's been sick repeatedly.

"I- I don't understand why this is happening to me..."

[disgustingginzaki]

"O-Oh.. oh dear.."

*..That worked fast. Thanks Eito! <3*

"Hey .. It's okay Kurara!" *Shouma calmly and quietly snakes behind her, worry stitching his face.*

"W-We can uhm.. get you to your room..! I'll see if I can find Nozomi." *He awkwardly grabs the mask, before quickly dropping it.*

"I-I'd be willing to fix it..! Cleaning puke is something that a puke stain should do.. b-but that's only if you'd be okay with my disgusting hands all over it.. of course I'd be wearing gloves, but that doesn't make it any bett--"

*He cuts himself off.* "I-I'm not helping at all..! I'm sorry..This must be horrible for you.”

[righteous-aotsuki]

are you and shouma daaaaating

"Of course not... does what we have look like 'dating' to you? In that case, you should reconsider your standards. Otherwise, don't ask such foolish questions.

"Though, I think it is safe to call Shouma... my friend. I may have already addressed him as such offhandedly, but I'll officialize it now. And, before I get an onslaught of questions, no, I don't see him any differently in a visual sense; he's just as grotesque to me as anyone else. Admittedly, his smaller stature may contribute to me perceiving him as less of a threat subconsciously... he's more like an ugly mutt than a hideous, vicious beast the same size as me like most people. He's mildly more tolerable to be around, physically. But that's not the reason I like him."

[disgustingginzaki]

"N-No- Yeah- Just like Eito said, we are NOT dating..!"

"B-But.. uhm.. Eito.."

"I'm honored that you consider me your friend-! Really.. i-it.. means a lot. T-that’s.. a title I shouldn’t — and don’t! — take for granted, especially from you. Thank you.”

[disgustingginzaki]

Shouma’s Doodles 1 - “hugs.”

“H-Hey, @righteous-aotsuki..! I’m sorry for how horrible the art is.. but I had a random boost of motivation to draw us together.”

“You uhm.. might need to click on it to get better quality, though I’m 100% sure that you don’t want to see my art any closer! Sorry for ever insinuating that..” “..T-This is.. kind of why I never tried hugging you. That along with the fact I don’t deserve the safe, comforting feeling of another’s arms around me!!”

“L-Like I said.. sorry the art is so terrible. I basically taught myself fully..sorry for even trying, Eito. I wont’t ping you with my ugly pieces ever again..”

[disgustingginzaki]

GINZAKI!

When were you going to notify me of this..Tumblr account!? As your commanding officer, I'm quite upset...

...That you didn't think to follow me! Is it my hair? Does my breath smell!? What is it, Ginzaki!? What's wrong with me!?

Signed, Commanding Officer Sirei

"Eep--!!"

"I-I'm really sorry officer Sirei-! I-I should've told you- I'm disgusting and a lying snake that does nothing but sneak behind people's backs! I-..."

"...oh."

"..S-Sorry that I never followed you..! I didn't even know that you had a tumblr blog. I'll.. do that now..!"

[righteous-aotsuki]

"Don't apologize to the likes of him. You did nothing wrong, and he has no right to make you feel like you did."

[disgustingginzaki]

"..I.. I um.. s-sorry, Eito!.. you're probably right."

[disgustingginzaki]

GINZAKI!

When were you going to notify me of this..Tumblr account!? As your commanding officer, I'm quite upset...

...That you didn't think to follow me! Is it my hair? Does my breath smell!? What is it, Ginzaki!? What's wrong with me!?

Signed, Commanding Officer Sirei

"Eep--!!"

"I-I'm really sorry officer Sirei-! I-I should've told you- I'm disgusting and a lying snake that does nothing but sneak behind people's backs! I-..."

"...oh."

"..S-Sorry that I never followed you..! I didn't even know that you had a tumblr blog. I'll.. do that now..!"

[disgustingginzaki]

(Noo your writing is good mod! I just wanted to torture evil shouma for a second pls keep going!)

mod ///

ehehehh... ty ty.... grins im happy to hear it!!! trying to stay in the borders of his character whilst also bending him to my thoughts on the au is a bit harder than i expected.. i will keep on trudging though!!

[disgustingginzaki]

Listen, your feelings are valid, but doing this isn't gonna make you feel better. You're gonna feel really guilty over it. That guilt is going to weigh on you and taint any joy you'll get from "helping" or spending time with them. I hope you can live with that guilt as it consumes your soul.

*Shouma furrows his brows, lips twitching up to form a snarl.*

"..Y-You.. don't know how I'll feel."

"..I think it's a little bit.. weird to say that my feelings are suddenly "valid BUT-" whenever they.. go against you, and those you like."

*Shouma's words are carefully chosen, and he speaks them that way.*

"My feelings were never considered when I was on the receiving end of that.. it's odd that you would start thinking about them so sudde..."

*Shouma goes completely silent, before shaking his head.*

"Ehm--! I-I'm.. so sorry. I shouldn't speak like that..! I deserved to be on the receiving end! I don't know what came over me!! Do whatever you want to me. Be selective with how you acknowledge my thoughts and feelings. Put me down and attack me in my askbox. It's what I deserve, anyway."

"..i need to shut my filthy trap. kurara can.. s-see this."

[righteous-aotsuki]

"See how easily you're getting attention? It's only a matter of time until you get the kind you want... but you've still got a ways to go."

[disgustingginzaki]

*Shouma's complete and full attention is directed to Eito instantly, and his eyes vaguely shine with... pride.* "..Y-Yeah..!.. It's only a matter of time. It's only a matter of time... until I get the attention I want." *He faintly nods.*

[disgustingginzaki]

Listen, your feelings are valid, but doing this isn't gonna make you feel better. You're gonna feel really guilty over it. That guilt is going to weigh on you and taint any joy you'll get from "helping" or spending time with them. I hope you can live with that guilt as it consumes your soul.

*Shouma furrows his brows, lips twitching up to form a snarl.*

"..Y-You.. don't know how I'll feel."

"..I think it's a little bit.. weird to say that my feelings are suddenly "valid BUT-" whenever they.. go against you, and those you like."

*Shouma's words are carefully chosen, and he speaks them that way.*

"My feelings were never considered when I was on the receiving end of that.. it's odd that you would start thinking about them so sudde..."

*Shouma goes completely silent, before shaking his head.*

"Ehm--! I-I'm.. so sorry. I shouldn't speak like that..! I deserved to be on the receiving end! I don't know what came over me!! Do whatever you want to me. Be selective with how you acknowledge my thoughts and feelings. Put me down and attack me in my askbox. It's what I deserve, anyway."

"..i need to shut my filthy trap. kurara can.. s-see this."

[disgustingginzaki]

Hey shouma, what’s your sexuality?

"O-Oh..! Uhm.. I haven't really.. thought about it that much."

"I-I don't deserve to pin after any unfortunate person who I might be attracted to!! B-But... I think I'm pansexual. I can love anybody as long as they like me..! I know, it's a stretch to assume anybody could ever like me that way. I think it's impossible, I'll never have a partner in life."

[oosuzuki-nightmare]

*Shouma approaches Kurara with a plate in his hands, and a nervous looking smile plastered on his face. Whatever is on the plate has tinfoil wrapped about it.*

“Umn.. h-hey Kurara.”

“I-I’m sorry for even daring to speak to you, let alone proposing this question..b-but I’m wondering if you could grace me by accepting my gift..?”

*He hurriedly pulls the tinfoil off, to reveal a plate of fried rice. It looks relatively well made — something that Shouma.. probably couldn’t make realistically. Maybe he had just learned, or gotten help from someone else? — and as if nothing was out of the ordinary.*

“euhm… i-i.. i wanted to g-gift you something, a-and i know that t-the— the oosuzuki’s take pride in the food they can cook, so i just thought t-that something like this would be good to gift!” *He spews in a fearful rush.*

“..Although if you want to just dump the food over my head and beat me up for simply offering you any sort of gift, then i understand.”

@disgustingginzaki

"Hmph! I suppose I'll accept this... but only because I'm feeling generous today! Don't take this moment for granted, peasant!"

Kurara took the meal held out to her without a moment of hesitation. There wasn't any time for Shouma to hesitate either before she snatched it from him. She was already digging in before Shouma could think to say anything else, somehow encapsulating both grace and voracity.

"This is... edible," she remarks between bites. "In fact, it's considerably less disgusting than what I'd expect from someone who looks like he'd burn water. Your presentation needs work, though; the foil makes it look suspicious, and your pathetic, anxious groveling isn't doing you any favours either."

After another bite, she puts the fork down to dab at the mouth of her mask with a handkerchief. "You didn't poison this, did you?"

[disgustingginzaki]

*Shouma is visibly pleased with her immediate, unfearful consumption of his food. Yes!!!! Yay!!! It worked!! He has to hold back a grin.*

“Eheh.. uu.. t-thank you.. I don’t think that my food deserves the credibility of being edible, especially by your high standards..” *He averts his gaze, blushing lightly.*

“A-And.. yeah sorry about the horrible look of the meal.. I should’ve tried harder to be good enough..”

*Shouma’s whole blushy, nervous mood seems to fade the second he hears “poison”.*

“No. It’s not.” *Shouma answers, a little too quick, a little too sharp. He seems to notice his blunder, as he blinks twice before hurriedly spouting more.*

“Uhm--!! I-I understand why you think that I would poison you..! I seem like a disgusting pervert who would put sleeping pills into your food.. b-but I really wouldn’t..! I'm n-not foolish enough to attempt poisoning someone as intelligent as you!"

[disgustingginzaki]

SHOUMA THIS IS SERIOUS.

eito doesnt want you to suck his dick he's so disgusted by you and he hates you

-🍓anon

"..."

"Y-You uhm.. can't be serious, right? This is some sort of prank?"

"I-I mean!! I totally understand if Eito despises me -- he has good reason to! I'm disgusting and impossible to be friends with!"

"..J-Just... I-I know nobody would want any k-kind of... oral from my smelly mouth.. b-but did Eito tell you that????? Why is.. it necessary for me to be told? I already know that he wouldn't want it from ANYONE, especially not me.."

"..d-did he post something i'm unaware of????????"

[disgustingginzaki]

SHOUMA!!!! >:(

"..What? D-Did I say something wrong -- I-I mean of course I did, I-I always say things wrong!!.."

"Y-You can beat me to a pulp now..! Anything I do is deserving of punishment.."

[righteous-aotsuki]

"Uhm... good morning Eito!"

*Shouma greets in a cheery tone, one quite unusual for the short boy.*

"I got permission to take you out of the cage!" *He sheepishly giggles, hand fumbling around in his back pocket for a moment before pulling out a set of keys, unlocking the cage before stuffing the metal piece back into his shorts.*

"Uhm.. I-I don't know if I'm supposed to do this-- b-but.."

*Shouma hands the white haired boy his infuser.*

"I want to go past the wall of fire with you. I... wanna talk away from the ears and eyes of Sirei, I think..." *Shouma whispers.*

@disgustingginzaki

Eito stares at the infuser for a moment longer than he should, gloved fingers lingering above it as though he expects Shouma to snatch it away at the last second. But he doesn't, and Eito's hand clasps around the hilt tightly so it can't be ripped away from him again. Something like hesitation flashes in his eyes -- not quite fear, but something akin to a little bird's disorientation as it finds its cage unexpectedly open. Which, well, was an accurate description of the situation at hand.

"This is either... an extraordinary display of trust, or the worst lapse in judgement you've ever made," he remarks as he takes a tentative step away from the cage.

Despite his words, he doesn't drive the blade into his chest, not immediately -- he twirls it in his hand a few times, watching its movements in lieu of Shouma's expression.

"Well, lead the way. Before someone else notices the mistake you're making."

[disgustingginzaki]

*Shouma tilts his head, watching with wary eyes how Eito doesn't infuse himself immediately. He lets his guard down with a kind smile as soon as he sees that Eito isn't going to take advantage of the easy kill before him.*

"I don't think it's a lapse in judgement." Shouma states honestly. "I-I'm a very stupid person though.. so I wouldn't put it past me!" He very quickly adds, "...I just trust you."

*Shouma almost reaches to grab Eito's hand to walk with, but as swiftly as he had made the movement to grab, he snapped away, shaking his head faintly.*

*The two make it to the defense room door, and Shouma hesitates for a good few seconds before stabbing himself.*

...

"S-Sorry you had to hear my pathetic screeching..!"

*Shouma and Eito walk out into the barren land of destroyed buildings, the small boy leading by a small bit. He doesn't appear to be going any certain way, just letting his legs take him where they wanted. If anybody were to see the two, it would appear as if a wolf was trailing its unsuspecting prey.*

"... I-I also apologize for... bringing you here. I know being dragged out by the scruff of your neck by a nasty parasite like me is not the way you want to spend your morning!!" *Shouma starts rambling on about his mediocrity for a little while longer, eyes looking down to his feet and letting himself be even more vulnerable to the danger lying right behind him.*

"..." *Shouma finally falls silent after final insults, gaze still hyper focused on the pebbles that lie before the two men. He still hadn't at all explained why he brought Eito out.

[righteous-aotsuki]

"It's not the worst use of my time." Eito walks stiffly, visibly on guard. "I haven't gotten all that much opportunity to look around. To see for myself these war-torn streets... it's incredible how destruction is so much easier than creation, isn't it? How hatred and bloodshed come more naturally than peace..."

He sighs, slowing his pace to lag behind a bit.

"Even with oneself."

Shouma could almost feel how hard Eito was staring at his back.

"What did you bring me out for? Surely there was someone more cooperative you could've gone for. Was I your last resort?"

[disgustingginzaki]

Shouma stops as soon as he hears that Eito's footsteps have slowed.

"...I-I.. you're not a last resort. You're someone who I wanted to go to first." He mumbles under his breath. "I just... brought you here because I wanted someone to talk to, and to walk with..."

His hands fidget together. "It's incredibly selfish. I know it is. If you don't want to deal with a lonely, pathetic loser right now, then... you can just go back to the academy."

Shouma's voice cracks, frame trembling. He didn't want to be left he didn't want eito to leave he couldnt leave please dont go stay with me i need anyone to talk to i need care i need something please pleasep lease lpease lplease please easplease please

Shouma harshly bites his tongue to keep from crying, though it only seems to make the tears bead up faster.

"I-I.. uhm..." Shouma starts to speak very quickly.

"If- if you just want to kill me then that's okay."

He finally turns back to Eito. "I'm ready to.. to die. Leo... maybe would fare better.. without me as a thorn in his poor side."

[righteous-aotsuki]

Eito's expression hardens at first. Then Shouma turns around, and any contempt he felt vanished off his face. Whatever cutting remark he was about to make died on his tongue.

"You... have an incredible talent for saying the most infuriating things possible."

He takes a step forward, closing the distance.

"If I wanted you dead, Shouma, you wouldn't need to offer. I'm not going anywhere, either. Do you think I would let you waste my time by dragging me out here for nothing?"

He idly rests his hand on his scythe, drumming his fingers on the handle.

"If you wanted company, you could've said that. The only reason you'd be any kind of thorn in someone's side is because you won't shut up about being one."

[disgustingginzaki]

"..." Shouma goes silent, pupils dilating to look more like saucers. He wouldn't leave. Shouma holds onto useless threads of hope that someone would stay, attempting to ignore the feeling of thin thread escaping from between his fingers faster than he could pull it back. He wanted to just imagine for a moment that someone wouldn't go. That they wouldn't leave.

"I-I.. understand..! I should just shut up..!" Shouma stutters, "..T-Thank you for keeping me company." Shouma stops himself from calling himself a disgusting pig for wanting attention.

Shouma's legs begin to move again, gently pandering around Eito in circles. Why exactly he was doing that.. he didn't understand. It was like a rabbit circling a lion, As if Eito was a predator being surrounded by prey.

"Do you ever wonder what it's like to touch inside of your class armor chest hole? I dunno, maybe it would feel nice. Like touching your very soul?" Shouma keeps his eyes locked onto the taller man.

[righteous-aotsuki]

"You pace like a nervous animal. Working up the courage to bolt, are you?"

Eito's eyes follow Shouma with a mildly unimpressed stare, then looks down at the hollow in his class armor. He watches the pale swirls with an indecipherable expression.

"I've never had the temptation to stick my hand into my own chest, no. Though, considering I've impaled myself numerous times, I guess it wouldn't be too out of the question... it'd probably feel like touching something you were never supposed to. Like... TV static, or hitting the wrong part of your arm on something, but for your whole body. Humans are always so eager to put their filthy little hands where they don't belong, huh...?"

He brings his hand to his own chest, fingers grazing the edge.

"If it's a 'soul'... I doubt it'd feel pleasant to touch. Maybe it'd sting like touching your eyes or the exposed flesh of an open wound. Maybe it'd be nauseating, or burn, or... maybe it'd feel like nothing at all. Or it could be something entirely unfathomable."

[disgustingginzaki]

"No- no.. I don't want to bolt." Shouma shakes his head. He stops after a moment, watching Eito closely as the aforementioned boy's eyes start to drift to the chest hole. "...I-I guess unlike you... I've thought about doing it a ton. Maybe if I can touch something alike to my own soul, then maybe I could finally understand myself better."

Shouma looks down to his own chest, raising his hand, but his fingers hesitate just before grazing the white fluttering flames within. "..It sounds scary, though." His hand instead moves to feel across the rough, jagged ridges surrounding the hole.

"..I think you've mentioned something like it before.. b-but I think that understanding and knowing too much... is a terrifying thing." His hand falls to his side.

"Though-- I am an idiot! I'm probably completely wrong!" Shouma continues, "...Despite my... stupid fears, I think.. one of your theories for how it would feel is right."

Shouma starts to trot around Eito again. "... I think it would be unfathomable, like you said. Something that was never supposed to be touched, or even seen."

Shouma looks up to Eito. "Or maybe it's not even a soul, and it's just a culmination of hemoanima. Whatever it is.. I'd like to experience it with you, Eito. Maybe that's dumb..."

[righteous-aotsuki]

"With me."

A beat. One long enough to hear their hearts thump as one, almost.

"...are you propositioning me?"

Eito looks down at him in utter contempt for half a second before averting his gaze to literally anywhere else. The ground, the buildings, then settling on the skyline.

"I understand your morbid curiosity. I'm entertaining the thought with the same enthusiasm you'd exude while momentarily contemplating hurling yourself off a cliff just because it's there. I guess the call of the void can apply to something as mundane as one's own body, too."

His fingers twitch against his chest.

"That does not mean you can put your hand inside me. Under any circumstances."

[disgustingginzaki]

“Pro…po.. SITIONING-??”

Shouma’s voice raises quickly, blush spreading against his face. That was not what he was meaning to convey… though.. thinking about it..

…It totally looked like that. With how much he talked about being a fool, he surely didn’t realize how much of one he truly was.

“I-I uhm- yeah! Hah- uh- w-we don’t- y-you shouldn’t- no!” Shouma staggers backward.

“You n-never should’ve even thought of entertaining my disgusting imagination! I don’t- I don’t know why it even crossed my tiny mind to- to stick my hand into you!”

“I’m- I’m really sorry, Eito!” His whole body visibly quivered. He was an idiot— such a blasted fool. The instant assumptions that plagued his mind were that he had ruined their friendship for good. Whatever “friendship” had even been there in the first place. Who would want to be friends with someone who instantly tries to fuck right after you admit that you can tolerate them? NOBODY!

”I should’ve never spoken. About putting my hand inside you, o-or just.. anything to do with the chest holes in general-! T-that— that’s something that should probably s-stay a mystery!! H..hah..!”

[righteous-aotsuki]

"I see that you haven't lost your knack for catastrophizing. I was joking... mostly."

Eito pinches the bridge of his nose beneath his glasses. The slight flush at the tips of his ears considerably discounted his words.

"And... really, there was no way for 'putting your hand inside' someone to not sound wrong. That wasn't entirely your fault, I suppose. Only... mostly." He repeats the word like a taunt.

"You don't need to keep acting like every misstep is grounds for your execution, though. And you don't need to apologize for being curious, either. You said something odd and I pointed it out; that's not the end of the world. It isn't the end of... anything. Not even whatever this is supposed to be."

He continues to walk ahead, but stops after a few paces.

"You seem as though you're used to being cut off over trivial matters. Or maybe you've never had enough of a connection to be cut off at all. Say... I've seen the way you look at everyone. Your expression contorts into something hideous, but... unreadable, to me. Could it be you're not too keen on the others? You 'like' them sure, but... is that just conflict aversion? Is any part of you resentful of how they seem to get along so well without you? Of how they leave you out? Never invite you into their conversations, and gloss over anything you have to say? You can be honest with me. We came out here to talk one-on-one, after all -- might as well make the most of it."

The questions tumble out, one right after another, leaving no gaps until he's staring down at Shouma expectantly with an oddly welcoming smile after everything he'd just said.

[disgustingginzaki]

Shouma’s hollow eyes stare up at Eito, at a complete loss for words. He takes a tentative step forward, then back, then forward again, indecisive in his movements. Eventually he settles to be just a little closer to Eito.

“I’ve… never had a connection to cut. None from what I remember. I’ve always been resented — a-and for good reason! — so.. I was never destined to “connect” with any other person, or animal, or thing. Not even.. Leo.” Shouma’s voice waivers, and he pauses to scrub at his eyes. He swallows. “Sorry..”

“…being.. honest..?” The short boy’s voice sounds tentative, and afraid, like a child asking their mother if they may be let out of Time-Out yet.

“…I hate.” He bluntly states, eyes having traveled to the dirt, now blearily staring, “I.. don’t deserve to crave them so badly. And I don’t deserve to be acknowledged, but I wish they would do so. I want to be seen— I want to be heard-!”

Words start pouring from his mouth, and he starts sounding increasingly desperate. “My— My pathetic attempts to get close to them mean nothing at all! It’s.. it’s like they don’t see me. It would be so much better if they hit me and hurt me and yelled at me because then I would feel like I was… something more than a battle machine, or a deadweight, or a burden. They all have perfect right to think of me as those things, and I wish I wasn’t so selfish as to hope for more acknowledgement than they give me.”

“..I do think I.. resent. A deep feeling in my heart that.. I don’t deserve to feel. But I hate. And I resent. And I envy. I wish to a well for something that will never be granted, then… act confused when that blessing never comes.”

“…That sounds stupid. S-Sorry.. you can just leave me now. My honest feelings are disgusting.”

[righteous-aotsuki]

"No, no. You did good."

Eito's smile turns a bit sly. Tentatively, he places a gloved hand atop Shouma's head in a way reminiscent of someone afraid of dogs trying to pet one, and retracting it just as quickly.

"That's more than I hoped for from you."

A backhanded compliment, not that he intended it to be one. Though the words were still candid and sincere.

"You wanted... to experience something together, didn't you?"

He takes a step back and crouches down to Shouma's eye level.

"Maybe this is what you were looking for, hm? To share these awful feelings, festering deep within... to let someone else know. To let them all know, maybe. To let them see this hatred. I've heard that pets tend to chew up their owners' shoes, ruin their belongings, when they feel wronged... and it certainly gets attention. I'd assume you have experience with that with your dear Leo."

His expression darkens.

"I don't think that only applies to pets. Any attention is good attention, isn't it? Any impact you can make is worth making. All to prove that you're there. Just like them. Just as important. Right?"

[disgustingginzaki]

Shouma leans into the touch for the moment it was there, but he seems to shrink away from the contact as soon as he felt Eito snag his hand away. A fulfilled smile spreads across his face, heart thumping at the — albeit backhanded — praise he was receiving.

“…m-maybe. M-maybe.. that’s what I needed to say to feel a bit better.” He was directed to look right back at Eito, and how he had knelt down. Eito crouched down just for him. To speak to him. To see him. To try for him. He nervously squints.

“I.. d-do they need to see my hatred..?”

Fear shimmers through his disgusting voice.

“…Leo w-would chew up my boots, and clothing, and.. just about anything he could get his paws on..” Shouma looks to the sky as if… reminiscing, but the expression of comfort leaves his face as fast as it had come. “I’m… sure that was just an attempt to make my idiotic self notice how much he didn’t… want to be around me, and show how he…hated me.” He looks away. “And.. it definitely got him attention. It got him attention from Momma.”

Shouma’s hands wring together.

“…I-I.. don’t know.” He stutters out, “I-I mean— I do want to experience things… together, and- and I want to make you happy….b-but I don’t even know what I would do to get recognition!”

“I-I do.. want to prove that I’m just as important.. even if it’s a feeble hope outside of my grasp..!”

He furrows his brows in determination. “..W-Would you know what I could do?”

“What could I do… to be paid attention to? …To be given something I shouldn’t even imagine getting?”

He had finally made up his little mind, to go through with it. Maybe if they saw how he felt, then they’d give him a little more attention.. or maybe he’d be ridiculed. That would be what he deserved… but more importantly, it would be recognition. He would be seen.

[righteous-aotsuki]

Eito goes quiet for a moment. Not contemplative in any way that was normal for him, but wary, having it hit him just how much weight Shouma is placing in his words.

"...don't look at me like I'm about to hand you a manual on how to make everyone love you," he says. "If I knew, things probably would have been different. You don't need to do anything drastic to get attention. You've already got the unsettling feelings that won't sit quite right with them. People don't like knowing that you don't like them; sometimes it results in reciprocity... sometimes, they'll make desperate attempts to win your favour. Now, I never enjoyed that part. People trying to make themselves likeable to me felt disingenuous more than flattering."

He lets out a quiet sigh before continuing: "you need to be more of an inconvenience. Don't erase and don't belittle yourself. Let your feelings be loud. Hatred is easy to notice when you aren't afraid of letting them know how you really feel. I'm not telling you to hurt anyone -- I know you physically can't, and that won't yield the results you want, either. But... a little destruction goes much further than every ounce of kindness you can muster. How many people care about the beauty of a forest until it's caught fire?"

His gaze drifts to the dilapidated buildings surrounding them.

"Dogs aren't humans. They don't know evil and hatred enough to enact it. Sometimes it just chews something up because it's frustrated, not out of any personal vendetta. Sometimes because what it's chewing smells like the person it wants attention from."

He pauses again.

"You don't need to hurt yourself to prove that you're there. Steal something important, and miraculously be the person who found it. Make some mysterious mess and be the one to clean it up. Take credit for things, not blame."

He finally looks back at Shouma.

"...just be your obnoxious self out loud."

[disgustingginzaki]

*Shouma slowly nods.* “..O-Okay.. b-be.. Louder, and more annoying..”  *Shouma sets a finger on his chin, beginning to contemplate exactly what he should do to get more attention, or to become more important, or to just be visible to people like Takumi and Hiruko!* *...Taking care of people had always been something that he was alright at, even if anybody that he took care of didn’t enjoy his presence.. and for good reason. Leo, Eva, and any other small animals he would nurse to help in the TRC never liked him, and yet he still was important to them. He was someone they could rely on for the little bit of time they were healing. That little bit of talent that he somehow possessed could play into being more important! He could take care of more people than Eva and Eito, he could become more relied on, just like he was by animals in the TRC!**How would he care for those in the academy though? Usually, in battle, they would only get scraped up, or straight up killed and revived. There was no window of time for him to try being their nurse – not to mention he didn’t have much experience with bandaging real people’s injuries, or washing wounds, or anything to do with nursing. Whoever he was ‘helping’ would brush him off, and recognize that he didn’t know what he was doing.*  *He also couldn’t do anything like Tsubasa, he would never figure out how to fix machines! Nor Yugamu, he never understood anything medicine related. Everyone else had a talent! Takumi was a natural leader, Kurara was blessed in the cooking and creative departments, Gaku, despite not outwardly showing it, was very good for the team. Same for Moko!*  *The only person in the SDU who didn’t seem to have a natural talent was him. Him and the man that he was facing right then. Sure, Eito was… good at killing, and hiding that he had killed, but could that really be classified as a talent? He read many books, but that wasn’t a talent either. Anybody could read a book and become “smart” just by remembering the content of said book. Eito wasn’t born with talent either. The SDU was capable of functioning without Eito. Just like how they could function without Shouma. He found that they were alike in that sense.*  *He bites the inside of his cheek sharply. Not even Eito would want to be compared to him in that way! They were nothing alike! He was completely useless, and Eito wasn’t. Eito had talent within him. Shouma didn’t. He directed his train of thought back away to how he could become more important.*  *He had to figure out how to ‘accidentally’ have people harmed, then he could help them! He could heal them, and they would rely on him! He would become important! How could he discreetly harm others?*  *It suddenly hit him like a truck.*  “Um.. E-Eito?” *Shouma visibly becomes more honed in, eyes no longer lost.* “How… easily do you think that we could get a poison of some sort?”

[righteous-aotsuki]

"Oh?"

That wasn't what Eito had been expecting. At all.

"We... could probably make something in the bio lab. If there's nothing on toxicology in the library, I have some rudimentary chemical knowledge we can make do with... poisons aren't that difficult to synthesize. The hard part is administering it to the target, and cleaning up your work after."

But he could work with it. Wary interest flickers across his face.

"We have a whole arsenal of chemical weaponry at our disposal, with a bit of effort. The more important question is, why are you asking me that?"

He assumed he'd already figured it out. No one would be impressed if they made a commander poison when they already had Yugamu to do it more efficiently. So, it had to be...

"You're... using it on them. Aren't you? I didn't know you were capable of that. Does your hatred transcend your cowardice?"

He fidgets with his glasses, his nose scrunching almost imperceptibly. A slight twitch.

"Won't I end up taking the fall for it? I'm the easiest scapegoat... was that part of your plan, or did you just not think that far ahead?"

[disgustingginzaki]

“Okay!” *Shouma smiles kindly. Maybe his lips furled up too far in a way that could be seen as creepy, attempting to be nice. Eito wouldn’t be able to tell the difference anyway.* *The smile, though, fades.* “...I-I am using it on them.” *He bites some skin off of his lip, looking down in contemplation for a moment. His envy and anger at the bonds all of his classmates excluding him did seem to outweigh his usual fear.*  “...i guess it does.” *Guilt smothers his voice down to be quiet.* “B-But– I think my plan for the poison is a little different than what you’re thinking… that probably means that my plan is even more idiotic than you had already assumed.”  “I’’m… going to microdose it to people. One at a time. Just enough for them to notice something’s wrong. They have a migraine that won't fade, even if they take medication and sleep. A random, bad cough that doesn’t leave.” “T-Then, I can help!!” “I can take care of them once they’re bedridden, hehe! I’ll give them all their meals, whilst keeping the doses of poison consistent!” *He seems strangely cheerful.*  “They can’t track it back to you if it seems like an illness.”  “..D-Does that sound okay?” *Shouma asks after a moment of silence.* “I know it’s probably far-fetched.. A-and I don’t even know who I would poison first…”

[righteous-aotsuki]

"Right... I deduced most of that. That's... fine. I just didn't think you would ever hurt anyone directly. That's why all my suggestions were pretty mild. I guess I stand corrected. Heheh... you're a vile little thing, aren't you, Shouma?"

"You'll have to be careful about not getting caught. I don't want you ending up as my roommate in the cage. As for who you should target first... the person you most want the attention of the most, of course. I'll take a wild guess and say that's Kurara."

[disgustingginzaki]

*Shouma looks into Eito’s eyes with childish joy.*

“I-I.. I think that you were the reason why I finally worked up the courage to act on my feelings! You’re… half the reason I’m doing this.”

“Thank you. If… If you were truly the one to make me ‘vile’… then I wouldn’t want to be any other way, Eito.”

“I-I’ll um.. do my best not to get caught! I know having me as a cagemate would be the worse possible scenario..”

*Shouma averts his eyes, hands carefully fiddling with eachother.* “…i do want kurara’s attention.” *…Did he?? Read his fucking mind??? How does he even know?? Blush dusts Shouma’s cheeks lightly.*

*Shouma starts walking back to the academy, expecting Eito to follow.*

“…W-We can go..make some poison? Like now? Together?” He sputters. “A-After we get it made I can feed Kurara a dose..”

[righteous-aotsuki]

"Uhm... good morning Eito!"

*Shouma greets in a cheery tone, one quite unusual for the short boy.*

"I got permission to take you out of the cage!" *He sheepishly giggles, hand fumbling around in his back pocket for a moment before pulling out a set of keys, unlocking the cage before stuffing the metal piece back into his shorts.*

"Uhm.. I-I don't know if I'm supposed to do this-- b-but.."

*Shouma hands the white haired boy his infuser.*

"I want to go past the wall of fire with you. I... wanna talk away from the ears and eyes of Sirei, I think..." *Shouma whispers.*

@disgustingginzaki

Eito stares at the infuser for a moment longer than he should, gloved fingers lingering above it as though he expects Shouma to snatch it away at the last second. But he doesn't, and Eito's hand clasps around the hilt tightly so it can't be ripped away from him again. Something like hesitation flashes in his eyes -- not quite fear, but something akin to a little bird's disorientation as it finds its cage unexpectedly open. Which, well, was an accurate description of the situation at hand.

"This is either... an extraordinary display of trust, or the worst lapse in judgement you've ever made," he remarks as he takes a tentative step away from the cage.

Despite his words, he doesn't drive the blade into his chest, not immediately -- he twirls it in his hand a few times, watching its movements in lieu of Shouma's expression.

"Well, lead the way. Before someone else notices the mistake you're making."

[disgustingginzaki]

*Shouma tilts his head, watching with wary eyes how Eito doesn't infuse himself immediately. He lets his guard down with a kind smile as soon as he sees that Eito isn't going to take advantage of the easy kill before him.*

"I don't think it's a lapse in judgement." Shouma states honestly. "I-I'm a very stupid person though.. so I wouldn't put it past me!" He very quickly adds, "...I just trust you."

*Shouma almost reaches to grab Eito's hand to walk with, but as swiftly as he had made the movement to grab, he snapped away, shaking his head faintly.*

*The two make it to the defense room door, and Shouma hesitates for a good few seconds before stabbing himself.*

...

"S-Sorry you had to hear my pathetic screeching..!"

*Shouma and Eito walk out into the barren land of destroyed buildings, the small boy leading by a small bit. He doesn't appear to be going any certain way, just letting his legs take him where they wanted. If anybody were to see the two, it would appear as if a wolf was trailing its unsuspecting prey.*

"... I-I also apologize for... bringing you here. I know being dragged out by the scruff of your neck by a nasty parasite like me is not the way you want to spend your morning!!" *Shouma starts rambling on about his mediocrity for a little while longer, eyes looking down to his feet and letting himself be even more vulnerable to the danger lying right behind him.*

"..." *Shouma finally falls silent after final insults, gaze still hyper focused on the pebbles that lie before the two men. He still hadn't at all explained why he brought Eito out.

[righteous-aotsuki]

"It's not the worst use of my time." Eito walks stiffly, visibly on guard. "I haven't gotten all that much opportunity to look around. To see for myself these war-torn streets... it's incredible how destruction is so much easier than creation, isn't it? How hatred and bloodshed come more naturally than peace..."

He sighs, slowing his pace to lag behind a bit.

"Even with oneself."

Shouma could almost feel how hard Eito was staring at his back.

"What did you bring me out for? Surely there was someone more cooperative you could've gone for. Was I your last resort?"

[disgustingginzaki]

Shouma stops as soon as he hears that Eito's footsteps have slowed.

"...I-I.. you're not a last resort. You're someone who I wanted to go to first." He mumbles under his breath. "I just... brought you here because I wanted someone to talk to, and to walk with..."

His hands fidget together. "It's incredibly selfish. I know it is. If you don't want to deal with a lonely, pathetic loser right now, then... you can just go back to the academy."

Shouma's voice cracks, frame trembling. He didn't want to be left he didn't want eito to leave he couldnt leave please dont go stay with me i need anyone to talk to i need care i need something please pleasep lease lpease lplease please easplease please

Shouma harshly bites his tongue to keep from crying, though it only seems to make the tears bead up faster.

"I-I.. uhm..." Shouma starts to speak very quickly.

"If- if you just want to kill me then that's okay."

He finally turns back to Eito. "I'm ready to.. to die. Leo... maybe would fare better.. without me as a thorn in his poor side."

[righteous-aotsuki]

Eito's expression hardens at first. Then Shouma turns around, and any contempt he felt vanished off his face. Whatever cutting remark he was about to make died on his tongue.

"You... have an incredible talent for saying the most infuriating things possible."

He takes a step forward, closing the distance.

"If I wanted you dead, Shouma, you wouldn't need to offer. I'm not going anywhere, either. Do you think I would let you waste my time by dragging me out here for nothing?"

He idly rests his hand on his scythe, drumming his fingers on the handle.

"If you wanted company, you could've said that. The only reason you'd be any kind of thorn in someone's side is because you won't shut up about being one."

[disgustingginzaki]

"..." Shouma goes silent, pupils dilating to look more like saucers. He wouldn't leave. Shouma holds onto useless threads of hope that someone would stay, attempting to ignore the feeling of thin thread escaping from between his fingers faster than he could pull it back. He wanted to just imagine for a moment that someone wouldn't go. That they wouldn't leave.

"I-I.. understand..! I should just shut up..!" Shouma stutters, "..T-Thank you for keeping me company." Shouma stops himself from calling himself a disgusting pig for wanting attention.

Shouma's legs begin to move again, gently pandering around Eito in circles. Why exactly he was doing that.. he didn't understand. It was like a rabbit circling a lion, As if Eito was a predator being surrounded by prey.

"Do you ever wonder what it's like to touch inside of your class armor chest hole? I dunno, maybe it would feel nice. Like touching your very soul?" Shouma keeps his eyes locked onto the taller man.

[righteous-aotsuki]

"You pace like a nervous animal. Working up the courage to bolt, are you?"

Eito's eyes follow Shouma with a mildly unimpressed stare, then looks down at the hollow in his class armor. He watches the pale swirls with an indecipherable expression.

"I've never had the temptation to stick my hand into my own chest, no. Though, considering I've impaled myself numerous times, I guess it wouldn't be too out of the question... it'd probably feel like touching something you were never supposed to. Like... TV static, or hitting the wrong part of your arm on something, but for your whole body. Humans are always so eager to put their filthy little hands where they don't belong, huh...?"

He brings his hand to his own chest, fingers grazing the edge.

"If it's a 'soul'... I doubt it'd feel pleasant to touch. Maybe it'd sting like touching your eyes or the exposed flesh of an open wound. Maybe it'd be nauseating, or burn, or... maybe it'd feel like nothing at all. Or it could be something entirely unfathomable."

[disgustingginzaki]

"No- no.. I don't want to bolt." Shouma shakes his head. He stops after a moment, watching Eito closely as the aforementioned boy's eyes start to drift to the chest hole. "...I-I guess unlike you... I've thought about doing it a ton. Maybe if I can touch something alike to my own soul, then maybe I could finally understand myself better."

Shouma looks down to his own chest, raising his hand, but his fingers hesitate just before grazing the white fluttering flames within. "..It sounds scary, though." His hand instead moves to feel across the rough, jagged ridges surrounding the hole.

"..I think you've mentioned something like it before.. b-but I think that understanding and knowing too much... is a terrifying thing." His hand falls to his side.

"Though-- I am an idiot! I'm probably completely wrong!" Shouma continues, "...Despite my... stupid fears, I think.. one of your theories for how it would feel is right."

Shouma starts to trot around Eito again. "... I think it would be unfathomable, like you said. Something that was never supposed to be touched, or even seen."

Shouma looks up to Eito. "Or maybe it's not even a soul, and it's just a culmination of hemoanima. Whatever it is.. I'd like to experience it with you, Eito. Maybe that's dumb..."

[righteous-aotsuki]

"With me."

A beat. One long enough to hear their hearts thump as one, almost.

"...are you propositioning me?"

Eito looks down at him in utter contempt for half a second before averting his gaze to literally anywhere else. The ground, the buildings, then settling on the skyline.

"I understand your morbid curiosity. I'm entertaining the thought with the same enthusiasm you'd exude while momentarily contemplating hurling yourself off a cliff just because it's there. I guess the call of the void can apply to something as mundane as one's own body, too."

His fingers twitch against his chest.

"That does not mean you can put your hand inside me. Under any circumstances."

[disgustingginzaki]

“Pro…po.. SITIONING-??”

Shouma’s voice raises quickly, blush spreading against his face. That was not what he was meaning to convey… though.. thinking about it..

…It totally looked like that. With how much he talked about being a fool, he surely didn’t realize how much of one he truly was.

“I-I uhm- yeah! Hah- uh- w-we don’t- y-you shouldn’t- no!” Shouma staggers backward.

“You n-never should’ve even thought of entertaining my disgusting imagination! I don’t- I don’t know why it even crossed my tiny mind to- to stick my hand into you!”

“I’m- I’m really sorry, Eito!” His whole body visibly quivered. He was an idiot— such a blasted fool. The instant assumptions that plagued his mind were that he had ruined their friendship for good. Whatever “friendship” had even been there in the first place. Who would want to be friends with someone who instantly tries to fuck right after you admit that you can tolerate them? NOBODY!

”I should’ve never spoken. About putting my hand inside you, o-or just.. anything to do with the chest holes in general-! T-that— that’s something that should probably s-stay a mystery!! H..hah..!”

[righteous-aotsuki]

"I see that you haven't lost your knack for catastrophizing. I was joking... mostly."

Eito pinches the bridge of his nose beneath his glasses. The slight flush at the tips of his ears considerably discounted his words.

"And... really, there was no way for 'putting your hand inside' someone to not sound wrong. That wasn't entirely your fault, I suppose. Only... mostly." He repeats the word like a taunt.

"You don't need to keep acting like every misstep is grounds for your execution, though. And you don't need to apologize for being curious, either. You said something odd and I pointed it out; that's not the end of the world. It isn't the end of... anything. Not even whatever this is supposed to be."

He continues to walk ahead, but stops after a few paces.

"You seem as though you're used to being cut off over trivial matters. Or maybe you've never had enough of a connection to be cut off at all. Say... I've seen the way you look at everyone. Your expression contorts into something hideous, but... unreadable, to me. Could it be you're not too keen on the others? You 'like' them sure, but... is that just conflict aversion? Is any part of you resentful of how they seem to get along so well without you? Of how they leave you out? Never invite you into their conversations, and gloss over anything you have to say? You can be honest with me. We came out here to talk one-on-one, after all -- might as well make the most of it."

The questions tumble out, one right after another, leaving no gaps until he's staring down at Shouma expectantly with an oddly welcoming smile after everything he'd just said.

[disgustingginzaki]

Shouma’s hollow eyes stare up at Eito, at a complete loss for words. He takes a tentative step forward, then back, then forward again, indecisive in his movements. Eventually he settles to be just a little closer to Eito.

“I’ve… never had a connection to cut. None from what I remember. I’ve always been resented — a-and for good reason! — so.. I was never destined to “connect” with any other person, or animal, or thing. Not even.. Leo.” Shouma’s voice waivers, and he pauses to scrub at his eyes. He swallows. “Sorry..”

“…being.. honest..?” The short boy’s voice sounds tentative, and afraid, like a child asking their mother if they may be let out of Time-Out yet.

“…I hate.” He bluntly states, eyes having traveled to the dirt, now blearily staring, “I.. don’t deserve to crave them so badly. And I don’t deserve to be acknowledged, but I wish they would do so. I want to be seen— I want to be heard-!”

Words start pouring from his mouth, and he starts sounding increasingly desperate. “My— My pathetic attempts to get close to them mean nothing at all! It’s.. it’s like they don’t see me. It would be so much better if they hit me and hurt me and yelled at me because then I would feel like I was… something more than a battle machine, or a deadweight, or a burden. They all have perfect right to think of me as those things, and I wish I wasn’t so selfish as to hope for more acknowledgement than they give me.”

“..I do think I.. resent. A deep feeling in my heart that.. I don’t deserve to feel. But I hate. And I resent. And I envy. I wish to a well for something that will never be granted, then… act confused when that blessing never comes.”

“…That sounds stupid. S-Sorry.. you can just leave me now. My honest feelings are disgusting.”

[righteous-aotsuki]

"No, no. You did good."

Eito's smile turns a bit sly. Tentatively, he places a gloved hand atop Shouma's head in a way reminiscent of someone afraid of dogs trying to pet one, and retracting it just as quickly.

"That's more than I hoped for from you."

A backhanded compliment, not that he intended it to be one. Though the words were still candid and sincere.

"You wanted... to experience something together, didn't you?"

He takes a step back and crouches down to Shouma's eye level.

"Maybe this is what you were looking for, hm? To share these awful feelings, festering deep within... to let someone else know. To let them all know, maybe. To let them see this hatred. I've heard that pets tend to chew up their owners' shoes, ruin their belongings, when they feel wronged... and it certainly gets attention. I'd assume you have experience with that with your dear Leo."

His expression darkens.

"I don't think that only applies to pets. Any attention is good attention, isn't it? Any impact you can make is worth making. All to prove that you're there. Just like them. Just as important. Right?"

[disgustingginzaki]

Shouma leans into the touch for the moment it was there, but he seems to shrink away from the contact as soon as he felt Eito snag his hand away. A fulfilled smile spreads across his face, heart thumping at the — albeit backhanded — praise he was receiving.

“…m-maybe. M-maybe.. that’s what I needed to say to feel a bit better.” He was directed to look right back at Eito, and how he had knelt down. Eito crouched down just for him. To speak to him. To see him. To try for him. He nervously squints.

“I.. d-do they need to see my hatred..?”

Fear shimmers through his disgusting voice.

“…Leo w-would chew up my boots, and clothing, and.. just about anything he could get his paws on..” Shouma looks to the sky as if… reminiscing, but the expression of comfort leaves his face as fast as it had come. “I’m… sure that was just an attempt to make my idiotic self notice how much he didn’t… want to be around me, and show how he…hated me.” He looks away. “And.. it definitely got him attention. It got him attention from Momma.”

Shouma’s hands wring together.

“…I-I.. don’t know.” He stutters out, “I-I mean— I do want to experience things… together, and- and I want to make you happy….b-but I don’t even know what I would do to get recognition!”

“I-I do.. want to prove that I’m just as important.. even if it’s a feeble hope outside of my grasp..!”

He furrows his brows in determination. “..W-Would you know what I could do?”

“What could I do… to be paid attention to? …To be given something I shouldn’t even imagine getting?”

He had finally made up his little mind, to go through with it. Maybe if they saw how he felt, then they’d give him a little more attention.. or maybe he’d be ridiculed. That would be what he deserved… but more importantly, it would be recognition. He would be seen.

[righteous-aotsuki]

Eito goes quiet for a moment. Not contemplative in any way that was normal for him, but wary, having it hit him just how much weight Shouma is placing in his words.

"...don't look at me like I'm about to hand you a manual on how to make everyone love you," he says. "If I knew, things probably would have been different. You don't need to do anything drastic to get attention. You've already got the unsettling feelings that won't sit quite right with them. People don't like knowing that you don't like them; sometimes it results in reciprocity... sometimes, they'll make desperate attempts to win your favour. Now, I never enjoyed that part. People trying to make themselves likeable to me felt disingenuous more than flattering."

He lets out a quiet sigh before continuing: "you need to be more of an inconvenience. Don't erase and don't belittle yourself. Let your feelings be loud. Hatred is easy to notice when you aren't afraid of letting them know how you really feel. I'm not telling you to hurt anyone -- I know you physically can't, and that won't yield the results you want, either. But... a little destruction goes much further than every ounce of kindness you can muster. How many people care about the beauty of a forest until it's caught fire?"

His gaze drifts to the dilapidated buildings surrounding them.

"Dogs aren't humans. They don't know evil and hatred enough to enact it. Sometimes it just chews something up because it's frustrated, not out of any personal vendetta. Sometimes because what it's chewing smells like the person it wants attention from."

He pauses again.

"You don't need to hurt yourself to prove that you're there. Steal something important, and miraculously be the person who found it. Make some mysterious mess and be the one to clean it up. Take credit for things, not blame."

He finally looks back at Shouma.

"...just be your obnoxious self out loud."

[disgustingginzaki]

*Shouma slowly nods.* “..O-Okay.. b-be.. Louder, and more annoying..”  *Shouma sets a finger on his chin, beginning to contemplate exactly what he should do to get more attention, or to become more important, or to just be visible to people like Takumi and Hiruko!* *...Taking care of people had always been something that he was alright at, even if anybody that he took care of didn’t enjoy his presence.. and for good reason. Leo, Eva, and any other small animals he would nurse to help in the TRC never liked him, and yet he still was important to them. He was someone they could rely on for the little bit of time they were healing. That little bit of talent that he somehow possessed could play into being more important! He could take care of more people than Eva and Eito, he could become more relied on, just like he was by animals in the TRC!**How would he care for those in the academy though? Usually, in battle, they would only get scraped up, or straight up killed and revived. There was no window of time for him to try being their nurse – not to mention he didn’t have much experience with bandaging real people’s injuries, or washing wounds, or anything to do with nursing. Whoever he was ‘helping’ would brush him off, and recognize that he didn’t know what he was doing.*  *He also couldn’t do anything like Tsubasa, he would never figure out how to fix machines! Nor Yugamu, he never understood anything medicine related. Everyone else had a talent! Takumi was a natural leader, Kurara was blessed in the cooking and creative departments, Gaku, despite not outwardly showing it, was very good for the team. Same for Moko!*  *The only person in the SDU who didn’t seem to have a natural talent was him. Him and the man that he was facing right then. Sure, Eito was… good at killing, and hiding that he had killed, but could that really be classified as a talent? He read many books, but that wasn’t a talent either. Anybody could read a book and become “smart” just by remembering the content of said book. Eito wasn’t born with talent either. The SDU was capable of functioning without Eito. Just like how they could function without Shouma. He found that they were alike in that sense.*  *He bites the inside of his cheek sharply. Not even Eito would want to be compared to him in that way! They were nothing alike! He was completely useless, and Eito wasn’t. Eito had talent within him. Shouma didn’t. He directed his train of thought back away to how he could become more important.*  *He had to figure out how to ‘accidentally’ have people harmed, then he could help them! He could heal them, and they would rely on him! He would become important! How could he discreetly harm others?*  *It suddenly hit him like a truck.*  “Um.. E-Eito?” *Shouma visibly becomes more honed in, eyes no longer lost.* “How… easily do you think that we could get a poison of some sort?”

[righteous-aotsuki]

"Oh?"

That wasn't what Eito had been expecting. At all.

"We... could probably make something in the bio lab. If there's nothing on toxicology in the library, I have some rudimentary chemical knowledge we can make do with... poisons aren't that difficult to synthesize. The hard part is administering it to the target, and cleaning up your work after."

But he could work with it. Wary interest flickers across his face.

"We have a whole arsenal of chemical weaponry at our disposal, with a bit of effort. The more important question is, why are you asking me that?"

He assumed he'd already figured it out. No one would be impressed if they made a commander poison when they already had Yugamu to do it more efficiently. So, it had to be...

"You're... using it on them. Aren't you? I didn't know you were capable of that. Does your hatred transcend your cowardice?"

He fidgets with his glasses, his nose scrunching almost imperceptibly. A slight twitch.

"Won't I end up taking the fall for it? I'm the easiest scapegoat... was that part of your plan, or did you just not think that far ahead?"

[disgustingginzaki]

“Okay!” *Shouma smiles kindly. Maybe his lips furled up too far in a way that could be seen as creepy, attempting to be nice. Eito wouldn’t be able to tell the difference anyway.* *The smile, though, fades.* “...I-I am using it on them.” *He bites some skin off of his lip, looking down in contemplation for a moment. His envy and anger at the bonds all of his classmates excluding him did seem to outweigh his usual fear.*  “...i guess it does.” *Guilt smothers his voice down to be quiet.* “B-But– I think my plan for the poison is a little different than what you’re thinking… that probably means that my plan is even more idiotic than you had already assumed.”  “I’’m… going to microdose it to people. One at a time. Just enough for them to notice something’s wrong. They have a migraine that won't fade, even if they take medication and sleep. A random, bad cough that doesn’t leave.” “T-Then, I can help!!” “I can take care of them once they’re bedridden, hehe! I’ll give them all their meals, whilst keeping the doses of poison consistent!” *He seems strangely cheerful.*  “They can’t track it back to you if it seems like an illness.”  “..D-Does that sound okay?” *Shouma asks after a moment of silence.* “I know it’s probably far-fetched.. A-and I don’t even know who I would poison first…”

[righteous-aotsuki]

"Uhm... good morning Eito!"

*Shouma greets in a cheery tone, one quite unusual for the short boy.*

"I got permission to take you out of the cage!" *He sheepishly giggles, hand fumbling around in his back pocket for a moment before pulling out a set of keys, unlocking the cage before stuffing the metal piece back into his shorts.*

"Uhm.. I-I don't know if I'm supposed to do this-- b-but.."

*Shouma hands the white haired boy his infuser.*

"I want to go past the wall of fire with you. I... wanna talk away from the ears and eyes of Sirei, I think..." *Shouma whispers.*

@disgustingginzaki

Eito stares at the infuser for a moment longer than he should, gloved fingers lingering above it as though he expects Shouma to snatch it away at the last second. But he doesn't, and Eito's hand clasps around the hilt tightly so it can't be ripped away from him again. Something like hesitation flashes in his eyes -- not quite fear, but something akin to a little bird's disorientation as it finds its cage unexpectedly open. Which, well, was an accurate description of the situation at hand.

"This is either... an extraordinary display of trust, or the worst lapse in judgement you've ever made," he remarks as he takes a tentative step away from the cage.

Despite his words, he doesn't drive the blade into his chest, not immediately -- he twirls it in his hand a few times, watching its movements in lieu of Shouma's expression.

"Well, lead the way. Before someone else notices the mistake you're making."

[disgustingginzaki]

*Shouma tilts his head, watching with wary eyes how Eito doesn't infuse himself immediately. He lets his guard down with a kind smile as soon as he sees that Eito isn't going to take advantage of the easy kill before him.*

"I don't think it's a lapse in judgement." Shouma states honestly. "I-I'm a very stupid person though.. so I wouldn't put it past me!" He very quickly adds, "...I just trust you."

*Shouma almost reaches to grab Eito's hand to walk with, but as swiftly as he had made the movement to grab, he snapped away, shaking his head faintly.*

*The two make it to the defense room door, and Shouma hesitates for a good few seconds before stabbing himself.*

...

"S-Sorry you had to hear my pathetic screeching..!"

*Shouma and Eito walk out into the barren land of destroyed buildings, the small boy leading by a small bit. He doesn't appear to be going any certain way, just letting his legs take him where they wanted. If anybody were to see the two, it would appear as if a wolf was trailing its unsuspecting prey.*

"... I-I also apologize for... bringing you here. I know being dragged out by the scruff of your neck by a nasty parasite like me is not the way you want to spend your morning!!" *Shouma starts rambling on about his mediocrity for a little while longer, eyes looking down to his feet and letting himself be even more vulnerable to the danger lying right behind him.*

"..." *Shouma finally falls silent after final insults, gaze still hyper focused on the pebbles that lie before the two men. He still hadn't at all explained why he brought Eito out.

[righteous-aotsuki]

"It's not the worst use of my time." Eito walks stiffly, visibly on guard. "I haven't gotten all that much opportunity to look around. To see for myself these war-torn streets... it's incredible how destruction is so much easier than creation, isn't it? How hatred and bloodshed come more naturally than peace..."

He sighs, slowing his pace to lag behind a bit.

"Even with oneself."

Shouma could almost feel how hard Eito was staring at his back.

"What did you bring me out for? Surely there was someone more cooperative you could've gone for. Was I your last resort?"

[disgustingginzaki]

Shouma stops as soon as he hears that Eito's footsteps have slowed.

"...I-I.. you're not a last resort. You're someone who I wanted to go to first." He mumbles under his breath. "I just... brought you here because I wanted someone to talk to, and to walk with..."

His hands fidget together. "It's incredibly selfish. I know it is. If you don't want to deal with a lonely, pathetic loser right now, then... you can just go back to the academy."

Shouma's voice cracks, frame trembling. He didn't want to be left he didn't want eito to leave he couldnt leave please dont go stay with me i need anyone to talk to i need care i need something please pleasep lease lpease lplease please easplease please

Shouma harshly bites his tongue to keep from crying, though it only seems to make the tears bead up faster.

"I-I.. uhm..." Shouma starts to speak very quickly.

"If- if you just want to kill me then that's okay."

He finally turns back to Eito. "I'm ready to.. to die. Leo... maybe would fare better.. without me as a thorn in his poor side."

[righteous-aotsuki]

Eito's expression hardens at first. Then Shouma turns around, and any contempt he felt vanished off his face. Whatever cutting remark he was about to make died on his tongue.

"You... have an incredible talent for saying the most infuriating things possible."

He takes a step forward, closing the distance.

"If I wanted you dead, Shouma, you wouldn't need to offer. I'm not going anywhere, either. Do you think I would let you waste my time by dragging me out here for nothing?"

He idly rests his hand on his scythe, drumming his fingers on the handle.

"If you wanted company, you could've said that. The only reason you'd be any kind of thorn in someone's side is because you won't shut up about being one."

[disgustingginzaki]

"..." Shouma goes silent, pupils dilating to look more like saucers. He wouldn't leave. Shouma holds onto useless threads of hope that someone would stay, attempting to ignore the feeling of thin thread escaping from between his fingers faster than he could pull it back. He wanted to just imagine for a moment that someone wouldn't go. That they wouldn't leave.

"I-I.. understand..! I should just shut up..!" Shouma stutters, "..T-Thank you for keeping me company." Shouma stops himself from calling himself a disgusting pig for wanting attention.

Shouma's legs begin to move again, gently pandering around Eito in circles. Why exactly he was doing that.. he didn't understand. It was like a rabbit circling a lion, As if Eito was a predator being surrounded by prey.

"Do you ever wonder what it's like to touch inside of your class armor chest hole? I dunno, maybe it would feel nice. Like touching your very soul?" Shouma keeps his eyes locked onto the taller man.

[righteous-aotsuki]

"You pace like a nervous animal. Working up the courage to bolt, are you?"

Eito's eyes follow Shouma with a mildly unimpressed stare, then looks down at the hollow in his class armor. He watches the pale swirls with an indecipherable expression.

"I've never had the temptation to stick my hand into my own chest, no. Though, considering I've impaled myself numerous times, I guess it wouldn't be too out of the question... it'd probably feel like touching something you were never supposed to. Like... TV static, or hitting the wrong part of your arm on something, but for your whole body. Humans are always so eager to put their filthy little hands where they don't belong, huh...?"

He brings his hand to his own chest, fingers grazing the edge.

"If it's a 'soul'... I doubt it'd feel pleasant to touch. Maybe it'd sting like touching your eyes or the exposed flesh of an open wound. Maybe it'd be nauseating, or burn, or... maybe it'd feel like nothing at all. Or it could be something entirely unfathomable."

[disgustingginzaki]

"No- no.. I don't want to bolt." Shouma shakes his head. He stops after a moment, watching Eito closely as the aforementioned boy's eyes start to drift to the chest hole. "...I-I guess unlike you... I've thought about doing it a ton. Maybe if I can touch something alike to my own soul, then maybe I could finally understand myself better."

Shouma looks down to his own chest, raising his hand, but his fingers hesitate just before grazing the white fluttering flames within. "..It sounds scary, though." His hand instead moves to feel across the rough, jagged ridges surrounding the hole.

"..I think you've mentioned something like it before.. b-but I think that understanding and knowing too much... is a terrifying thing." His hand falls to his side.

"Though-- I am an idiot! I'm probably completely wrong!" Shouma continues, "...Despite my... stupid fears, I think.. one of your theories for how it would feel is right."

Shouma starts to trot around Eito again. "... I think it would be unfathomable, like you said. Something that was never supposed to be touched, or even seen."

Shouma looks up to Eito. "Or maybe it's not even a soul, and it's just a culmination of hemoanima. Whatever it is.. I'd like to experience it with you, Eito. Maybe that's dumb..."

[righteous-aotsuki]

"With me."

A beat. One long enough to hear their hearts thump as one, almost.

"...are you propositioning me?"

Eito looks down at him in utter contempt for half a second before averting his gaze to literally anywhere else. The ground, the buildings, then settling on the skyline.

"I understand your morbid curiosity. I'm entertaining the thought with the same enthusiasm you'd exude while momentarily contemplating hurling yourself off a cliff just because it's there. I guess the call of the void can apply to something as mundane as one's own body, too."

His fingers twitch against his chest.

"That does not mean you can put your hand inside me. Under any circumstances."

[disgustingginzaki]

“Pro…po.. SITIONING-??”

Shouma’s voice raises quickly, blush spreading against his face. That was not what he was meaning to convey… though.. thinking about it..

…It totally looked like that. With how much he talked about being a fool, he surely didn’t realize how much of one he truly was.

“I-I uhm- yeah! Hah- uh- w-we don’t- y-you shouldn’t- no!” Shouma staggers backward.

“You n-never should’ve even thought of entertaining my disgusting imagination! I don’t- I don’t know why it even crossed my tiny mind to- to stick my hand into you!”

“I’m- I’m really sorry, Eito!” His whole body visibly quivered. He was an idiot— such a blasted fool. The instant assumptions that plagued his mind were that he had ruined their friendship for good. Whatever “friendship” had even been there in the first place. Who would want to be friends with someone who instantly tries to fuck right after you admit that you can tolerate them? NOBODY!

”I should’ve never spoken. About putting my hand inside you, o-or just.. anything to do with the chest holes in general-! T-that— that’s something that should probably s-stay a mystery!! H..hah..!”

[righteous-aotsuki]

"I see that you haven't lost your knack for catastrophizing. I was joking... mostly."

Eito pinches the bridge of his nose beneath his glasses. The slight flush at the tips of his ears considerably discounted his words.

"And... really, there was no way for 'putting your hand inside' someone to not sound wrong. That wasn't entirely your fault, I suppose. Only... mostly." He repeats the word like a taunt.

"You don't need to keep acting like every misstep is grounds for your execution, though. And you don't need to apologize for being curious, either. You said something odd and I pointed it out; that's not the end of the world. It isn't the end of... anything. Not even whatever this is supposed to be."

He continues to walk ahead, but stops after a few paces.

"You seem as though you're used to being cut off over trivial matters. Or maybe you've never had enough of a connection to be cut off at all. Say... I've seen the way you look at everyone. Your expression contorts into something hideous, but... unreadable, to me. Could it be you're not too keen on the others? You 'like' them sure, but... is that just conflict aversion? Is any part of you resentful of how they seem to get along so well without you? Of how they leave you out? Never invite you into their conversations, and gloss over anything you have to say? You can be honest with me. We came out here to talk one-on-one, after all -- might as well make the most of it."

The questions tumble out, one right after another, leaving no gaps until he's staring down at Shouma expectantly with an oddly welcoming smile after everything he'd just said.

[disgustingginzaki]

Shouma’s hollow eyes stare up at Eito, at a complete loss for words. He takes a tentative step forward, then back, then forward again, indecisive in his movements. Eventually he settles to be just a little closer to Eito.

“I’ve… never had a connection to cut. None from what I remember. I’ve always been resented — a-and for good reason! — so.. I was never destined to “connect” with any other person, or animal, or thing. Not even.. Leo.” Shouma’s voice waivers, and he pauses to scrub at his eyes. He swallows. “Sorry..”

“…being.. honest..?” The short boy’s voice sounds tentative, and afraid, like a child asking their mother if they may be let out of Time-Out yet.

“…I hate.” He bluntly states, eyes having traveled to the dirt, now blearily staring, “I.. don’t deserve to crave them so badly. And I don’t deserve to be acknowledged, but I wish they would do so. I want to be seen— I want to be heard-!”

Words start pouring from his mouth, and he starts sounding increasingly desperate. “My— My pathetic attempts to get close to them mean nothing at all! It’s.. it’s like they don’t see me. It would be so much better if they hit me and hurt me and yelled at me because then I would feel like I was… something more than a battle machine, or a deadweight, or a burden. They all have perfect right to think of me as those things, and I wish I wasn’t so selfish as to hope for more acknowledgement than they give me.”

“..I do think I.. resent. A deep feeling in my heart that.. I don’t deserve to feel. But I hate. And I resent. And I envy. I wish to a well for something that will never be granted, then… act confused when that blessing never comes.”

“…That sounds stupid. S-Sorry.. you can just leave me now. My honest feelings are disgusting.”

[righteous-aotsuki]

"No, no. You did good."

Eito's smile turns a bit sly. Tentatively, he places a gloved hand atop Shouma's head in a way reminiscent of someone afraid of dogs trying to pet one, and retracting it just as quickly.

"That's more than I hoped for from you."

A backhanded compliment, not that he intended it to be one. Though the words were still candid and sincere.

"You wanted... to experience something together, didn't you?"

He takes a step back and crouches down to Shouma's eye level.

"Maybe this is what you were looking for, hm? To share these awful feelings, festering deep within... to let someone else know. To let them all know, maybe. To let them see this hatred. I've heard that pets tend to chew up their owners' shoes, ruin their belongings, when they feel wronged... and it certainly gets attention. I'd assume you have experience with that with your dear Leo."

His expression darkens.

"I don't think that only applies to pets. Any attention is good attention, isn't it? Any impact you can make is worth making. All to prove that you're there. Just like them. Just as important. Right?"

[disgustingginzaki]

Shouma leans into the touch for the moment it was there, but he seems to shrink away from the contact as soon as he felt Eito snag his hand away. A fulfilled smile spreads across his face, heart thumping at the — albeit backhanded — praise he was receiving.

“…m-maybe. M-maybe.. that’s what I needed to say to feel a bit better.” He was directed to look right back at Eito, and how he had knelt down. Eito crouched down just for him. To speak to him. To see him. To try for him. He nervously squints.

“I.. d-do they need to see my hatred..?”

Fear shimmers through his disgusting voice.

“…Leo w-would chew up my boots, and clothing, and.. just about anything he could get his paws on..” Shouma looks to the sky as if… reminiscing, but the expression of comfort leaves his face as fast as it had come. “I’m… sure that was just an attempt to make my idiotic self notice how much he didn’t… want to be around me, and show how he…hated me.” He looks away. “And.. it definitely got him attention. It got him attention from Momma.”

Shouma’s hands wring together.

“…I-I.. don’t know.” He stutters out, “I-I mean— I do want to experience things… together, and- and I want to make you happy….b-but I don’t even know what I would do to get recognition!”

“I-I do.. want to prove that I’m just as important.. even if it’s a feeble hope outside of my grasp..!”

He furrows his brows in determination. “..W-Would you know what I could do?”

“What could I do… to be paid attention to? …To be given something I shouldn’t even imagine getting?”

He had finally made up his little mind, to go through with it. Maybe if they saw how he felt, then they’d give him a little more attention.. or maybe he’d be ridiculed. That would be what he deserved… but more importantly, it would be recognition. He would be seen.

[righteous-aotsuki]

Eito goes quiet for a moment. Not contemplative in any way that was normal for him, but wary, having it hit him just how much weight Shouma is placing in his words.

"...don't look at me like I'm about to hand you a manual on how to make everyone love you," he says. "If I knew, things probably would have been different. You don't need to do anything drastic to get attention. You've already got the unsettling feelings that won't sit quite right with them. People don't like knowing that you don't like them; sometimes it results in reciprocity... sometimes, they'll make desperate attempts to win your favour. Now, I never enjoyed that part. People trying to make themselves likeable to me felt disingenuous more than flattering."

He lets out a quiet sigh before continuing: "you need to be more of an inconvenience. Don't erase and don't belittle yourself. Let your feelings be loud. Hatred is easy to notice when you aren't afraid of letting them know how you really feel. I'm not telling you to hurt anyone -- I know you physically can't, and that won't yield the results you want, either. But... a little destruction goes much further than every ounce of kindness you can muster. How many people care about the beauty of a forest until it's caught fire?"

His gaze drifts to the dilapidated buildings surrounding them.

"Dogs aren't humans. They don't know evil and hatred enough to enact it. Sometimes it just chews something up because it's frustrated, not out of any personal vendetta. Sometimes because what it's chewing smells like the person it wants attention from."

He pauses again.

"You don't need to hurt yourself to prove that you're there. Steal something important, and miraculously be the person who found it. Make some mysterious mess and be the one to clean it up. Take credit for things, not blame."

He finally looks back at Shouma.

"...just be your obnoxious self out loud."

[disgustingginzaki]

*Shouma slowly nods.* “..O-Okay.. b-be.. Louder, and more annoying..”  *Shouma sets a finger on his chin, beginning to contemplate exactly what he should do to get more attention, or to become more important, or to just be visible to people like Takumi and Hiruko!* *...Taking care of people had always been something that he was alright at, even if anybody that he took care of didn’t enjoy his presence.. and for good reason. Leo, Eva, and any other small animals he would nurse to help in the TRC never liked him, and yet he still was important to them. He was someone they could rely on for the little bit of time they were healing. That little bit of talent that he somehow possessed could play into being more important! He could take care of more people than Eva and Eito, he could become more relied on, just like he was by animals in the TRC!**How would he care for those in the academy though? Usually, in battle, they would only get scraped up, or straight up killed and revived. There was no window of time for him to try being their nurse – not to mention he didn’t have much experience with bandaging real people’s injuries, or washing wounds, or anything to do with nursing. Whoever he was ‘helping’ would brush him off, and recognize that he didn’t know what he was doing.*  *He also couldn’t do anything like Tsubasa, he would never figure out how to fix machines! Nor Yugamu, he never understood anything medicine related. Everyone else had a talent! Takumi was a natural leader, Kurara was blessed in the cooking and creative departments, Gaku, despite not outwardly showing it, was very good for the team. Same for Moko!*  *The only person in the SDU who didn’t seem to have a natural talent was him. Him and the man that he was facing right then. Sure, Eito was… good at killing, and hiding that he had killed, but could that really be classified as a talent? He read many books, but that wasn’t a talent either. Anybody could read a book and become “smart” just by remembering the content of said book. Eito wasn’t born with talent either. The SDU was capable of functioning without Eito. Just like how they could function without Shouma. He found that they were alike in that sense.*  *He bites the inside of his cheek sharply. Not even Eito would want to be compared to him in that way! They were nothing alike! He was completely useless, and Eito wasn’t. Eito had talent within him. Shouma didn’t. He directed his train of thought back away to how he could become more important.*  *He had to figure out how to ‘accidentally’ have people harmed, then he could help them! He could heal them, and they would rely on him! He would become important! How could he discreetly harm others?*  *It suddenly hit him like a truck.*  “Um.. E-Eito?” *Shouma visibly becomes more honed in, eyes no longer lost.* “How… easily do you think that we could get a poison of some sort?”

[righteous-aotsuki]

"Uhm... good morning Eito!"

*Shouma greets in a cheery tone, one quite unusual for the short boy.*

"I got permission to take you out of the cage!" *He sheepishly giggles, hand fumbling around in his back pocket for a moment before pulling out a set of keys, unlocking the cage before stuffing the metal piece back into his shorts.*

"Uhm.. I-I don't know if I'm supposed to do this-- b-but.."

*Shouma hands the white haired boy his infuser.*

"I want to go past the wall of fire with you. I... wanna talk away from the ears and eyes of Sirei, I think..." *Shouma whispers.*

@disgustingginzaki

Eito stares at the infuser for a moment longer than he should, gloved fingers lingering above it as though he expects Shouma to snatch it away at the last second. But he doesn't, and Eito's hand clasps around the hilt tightly so it can't be ripped away from him again. Something like hesitation flashes in his eyes -- not quite fear, but something akin to a little bird's disorientation as it finds its cage unexpectedly open. Which, well, was an accurate description of the situation at hand.

"This is either... an extraordinary display of trust, or the worst lapse in judgement you've ever made," he remarks as he takes a tentative step away from the cage.

Despite his words, he doesn't drive the blade into his chest, not immediately -- he twirls it in his hand a few times, watching its movements in lieu of Shouma's expression.

"Well, lead the way. Before someone else notices the mistake you're making."

[disgustingginzaki]

*Shouma tilts his head, watching with wary eyes how Eito doesn't infuse himself immediately. He lets his guard down with a kind smile as soon as he sees that Eito isn't going to take advantage of the easy kill before him.*

"I don't think it's a lapse in judgement." Shouma states honestly. "I-I'm a very stupid person though.. so I wouldn't put it past me!" He very quickly adds, "...I just trust you."

*Shouma almost reaches to grab Eito's hand to walk with, but as swiftly as he had made the movement to grab, he snapped away, shaking his head faintly.*

*The two make it to the defense room door, and Shouma hesitates for a good few seconds before stabbing himself.*

...

"S-Sorry you had to hear my pathetic screeching..!"

*Shouma and Eito walk out into the barren land of destroyed buildings, the small boy leading by a small bit. He doesn't appear to be going any certain way, just letting his legs take him where they wanted. If anybody were to see the two, it would appear as if a wolf was trailing its unsuspecting prey.*

"... I-I also apologize for... bringing you here. I know being dragged out by the scruff of your neck by a nasty parasite like me is not the way you want to spend your morning!!" *Shouma starts rambling on about his mediocrity for a little while longer, eyes looking down to his feet and letting himself be even more vulnerable to the danger lying right behind him.*

"..." *Shouma finally falls silent after final insults, gaze still hyper focused on the pebbles that lie before the two men. He still hadn't at all explained why he brought Eito out.

[righteous-aotsuki]

"It's not the worst use of my time." Eito walks stiffly, visibly on guard. "I haven't gotten all that much opportunity to look around. To see for myself these war-torn streets... it's incredible how destruction is so much easier than creation, isn't it? How hatred and bloodshed come more naturally than peace..."

He sighs, slowing his pace to lag behind a bit.

"Even with oneself."

Shouma could almost feel how hard Eito was staring at his back.

"What did you bring me out for? Surely there was someone more cooperative you could've gone for. Was I your last resort?"

[disgustingginzaki]

Shouma stops as soon as he hears that Eito's footsteps have slowed.

"...I-I.. you're not a last resort. You're someone who I wanted to go to first." He mumbles under his breath. "I just... brought you here because I wanted someone to talk to, and to walk with..."

His hands fidget together. "It's incredibly selfish. I know it is. If you don't want to deal with a lonely, pathetic loser right now, then... you can just go back to the academy."

Shouma's voice cracks, frame trembling. He didn't want to be left he didn't want eito to leave he couldnt leave please dont go stay with me i need anyone to talk to i need care i need something please pleasep lease lpease lplease please easplease please

Shouma harshly bites his tongue to keep from crying, though it only seems to make the tears bead up faster.

"I-I.. uhm..." Shouma starts to speak very quickly.

"If- if you just want to kill me then that's okay."

He finally turns back to Eito. "I'm ready to.. to die. Leo... maybe would fare better.. without me as a thorn in his poor side."

[righteous-aotsuki]

Eito's expression hardens at first. Then Shouma turns around, and any contempt he felt vanished off his face. Whatever cutting remark he was about to make died on his tongue.

"You... have an incredible talent for saying the most infuriating things possible."

He takes a step forward, closing the distance.

"If I wanted you dead, Shouma, you wouldn't need to offer. I'm not going anywhere, either. Do you think I would let you waste my time by dragging me out here for nothing?"

He idly rests his hand on his scythe, drumming his fingers on the handle.

"If you wanted company, you could've said that. The only reason you'd be any kind of thorn in someone's side is because you won't shut up about being one."

[disgustingginzaki]

"..." Shouma goes silent, pupils dilating to look more like saucers. He wouldn't leave. Shouma holds onto useless threads of hope that someone would stay, attempting to ignore the feeling of thin thread escaping from between his fingers faster than he could pull it back. He wanted to just imagine for a moment that someone wouldn't go. That they wouldn't leave.

"I-I.. understand..! I should just shut up..!" Shouma stutters, "..T-Thank you for keeping me company." Shouma stops himself from calling himself a disgusting pig for wanting attention.

Shouma's legs begin to move again, gently pandering around Eito in circles. Why exactly he was doing that.. he didn't understand. It was like a rabbit circling a lion, As if Eito was a predator being surrounded by prey.

"Do you ever wonder what it's like to touch inside of your class armor chest hole? I dunno, maybe it would feel nice. Like touching your very soul?" Shouma keeps his eyes locked onto the taller man.

[righteous-aotsuki]

"You pace like a nervous animal. Working up the courage to bolt, are you?"

Eito's eyes follow Shouma with a mildly unimpressed stare, then looks down at the hollow in his class armor. He watches the pale swirls with an indecipherable expression.

"I've never had the temptation to stick my hand into my own chest, no. Though, considering I've impaled myself numerous times, I guess it wouldn't be too out of the question... it'd probably feel like touching something you were never supposed to. Like... TV static, or hitting the wrong part of your arm on something, but for your whole body. Humans are always so eager to put their filthy little hands where they don't belong, huh...?"

He brings his hand to his own chest, fingers grazing the edge.

"If it's a 'soul'... I doubt it'd feel pleasant to touch. Maybe it'd sting like touching your eyes or the exposed flesh of an open wound. Maybe it'd be nauseating, or burn, or... maybe it'd feel like nothing at all. Or it could be something entirely unfathomable."

[disgustingginzaki]

"No- no.. I don't want to bolt." Shouma shakes his head. He stops after a moment, watching Eito closely as the aforementioned boy's eyes start to drift to the chest hole. "...I-I guess unlike you... I've thought about doing it a ton. Maybe if I can touch something alike to my own soul, then maybe I could finally understand myself better."

Shouma looks down to his own chest, raising his hand, but his fingers hesitate just before grazing the white fluttering flames within. "..It sounds scary, though." His hand instead moves to feel across the rough, jagged ridges surrounding the hole.

"..I think you've mentioned something like it before.. b-but I think that understanding and knowing too much... is a terrifying thing." His hand falls to his side.

"Though-- I am an idiot! I'm probably completely wrong!" Shouma continues, "...Despite my... stupid fears, I think.. one of your theories for how it would feel is right."

Shouma starts to trot around Eito again. "... I think it would be unfathomable, like you said. Something that was never supposed to be touched, or even seen."

Shouma looks up to Eito. "Or maybe it's not even a soul, and it's just a culmination of hemoanima. Whatever it is.. I'd like to experience it with you, Eito. Maybe that's dumb..."

[righteous-aotsuki]

"With me."

A beat. One long enough to hear their hearts thump as one, almost.

"...are you propositioning me?"

Eito looks down at him in utter contempt for half a second before averting his gaze to literally anywhere else. The ground, the buildings, then settling on the skyline.

"I understand your morbid curiosity. I'm entertaining the thought with the same enthusiasm you'd exude while momentarily contemplating hurling yourself off a cliff just because it's there. I guess the call of the void can apply to something as mundane as one's own body, too."

His fingers twitch against his chest.

"That does not mean you can put your hand inside me. Under any circumstances."

[disgustingginzaki]

“Pro…po.. SITIONING-??”

Shouma’s voice raises quickly, blush spreading against his face. That was not what he was meaning to convey… though.. thinking about it..

…It totally looked like that. With how much he talked about being a fool, he surely didn’t realize how much of one he truly was.

“I-I uhm- yeah! Hah- uh- w-we don’t- y-you shouldn’t- no!” Shouma staggers backward.

“You n-never should’ve even thought of entertaining my disgusting imagination! I don’t- I don’t know why it even crossed my tiny mind to- to stick my hand into you!”

“I’m- I’m really sorry, Eito!” His whole body visibly quivered. He was an idiot— such a blasted fool. The instant assumptions that plagued his mind were that he had ruined their friendship for good. Whatever “friendship” had even been there in the first place. Who would want to be friends with someone who instantly tries to fuck right after you admit that you can tolerate them? NOBODY!

”I should’ve never spoken. About putting my hand inside you, o-or just.. anything to do with the chest holes in general-! T-that— that’s something that should probably s-stay a mystery!! H..hah..!”

[righteous-aotsuki]

"I see that you haven't lost your knack for catastrophizing. I was joking... mostly."

Eito pinches the bridge of his nose beneath his glasses. The slight flush at the tips of his ears considerably discounted his words.

"And... really, there was no way for 'putting your hand inside' someone to not sound wrong. That wasn't entirely your fault, I suppose. Only... mostly." He repeats the word like a taunt.

"You don't need to keep acting like every misstep is grounds for your execution, though. And you don't need to apologize for being curious, either. You said something odd and I pointed it out; that's not the end of the world. It isn't the end of... anything. Not even whatever this is supposed to be."

He continues to walk ahead, but stops after a few paces.

"You seem as though you're used to being cut off over trivial matters. Or maybe you've never had enough of a connection to be cut off at all. Say... I've seen the way you look at everyone. Your expression contorts into something hideous, but... unreadable, to me. Could it be you're not too keen on the others? You 'like' them sure, but... is that just conflict aversion? Is any part of you resentful of how they seem to get along so well without you? Of how they leave you out? Never invite you into their conversations, and gloss over anything you have to say? You can be honest with me. We came out here to talk one-on-one, after all -- might as well make the most of it."

The questions tumble out, one right after another, leaving no gaps until he's staring down at Shouma expectantly with an oddly welcoming smile after everything he'd just said.

[disgustingginzaki]

Shouma’s hollow eyes stare up at Eito, at a complete loss for words. He takes a tentative step forward, then back, then forward again, indecisive in his movements. Eventually he settles to be just a little closer to Eito.

“I’ve… never had a connection to cut. None from what I remember. I’ve always been resented — a-and for good reason! — so.. I was never destined to “connect” with any other person, or animal, or thing. Not even.. Leo.” Shouma’s voice waivers, and he pauses to scrub at his eyes. He swallows. “Sorry..”

“…being.. honest..?” The short boy’s voice sounds tentative, and afraid, like a child asking their mother if they may be let out of Time-Out yet.

“…I hate.” He bluntly states, eyes having traveled to the dirt, now blearily staring, “I.. don’t deserve to crave them so badly. And I don’t deserve to be acknowledged, but I wish they would do so. I want to be seen— I want to be heard-!”

Words start pouring from his mouth, and he starts sounding increasingly desperate. “My— My pathetic attempts to get close to them mean nothing at all! It’s.. it’s like they don’t see me. It would be so much better if they hit me and hurt me and yelled at me because then I would feel like I was… something more than a battle machine, or a deadweight, or a burden. They all have perfect right to think of me as those things, and I wish I wasn’t so selfish as to hope for more acknowledgement than they give me.”

“..I do think I.. resent. A deep feeling in my heart that.. I don’t deserve to feel. But I hate. And I resent. And I envy. I wish to a well for something that will never be granted, then… act confused when that blessing never comes.”

“…That sounds stupid. S-Sorry.. you can just leave me now. My honest feelings are disgusting.”

[righteous-aotsuki]

"No, no. You did good."

Eito's smile turns a bit sly. Tentatively, he places a gloved hand atop Shouma's head in a way reminiscent of someone afraid of dogs trying to pet one, and retracting it just as quickly.

"That's more than I hoped for from you."

A backhanded compliment, not that he intended it to be one. Though the words were still candid and sincere.

"You wanted... to experience something together, didn't you?"

He takes a step back and crouches down to Shouma's eye level.

"Maybe this is what you were looking for, hm? To share these awful feelings, festering deep within... to let someone else know. To let them all know, maybe. To let them see this hatred. I've heard that pets tend to chew up their owners' shoes, ruin their belongings, when they feel wronged... and it certainly gets attention. I'd assume you have experience with that with your dear Leo."

His expression darkens.

"I don't think that only applies to pets. Any attention is good attention, isn't it? Any impact you can make is worth making. All to prove that you're there. Just like them. Just as important. Right?"

[disgustingginzaki]

Shouma leans into the touch for the moment it was there, but he seems to shrink away from the contact as soon as he felt Eito snag his hand away. A fulfilled smile spreads across his face, heart thumping at the — albeit backhanded — praise he was receiving.

“…m-maybe. M-maybe.. that’s what I needed to say to feel a bit better.” He was directed to look right back at Eito, and how he had knelt down. Eito crouched down just for him. To speak to him. To see him. To try for him. He nervously squints.

“I.. d-do they need to see my hatred..?”

Fear shimmers through his disgusting voice.

“…Leo w-would chew up my boots, and clothing, and.. just about anything he could get his paws on..” Shouma looks to the sky as if… reminiscing, but the expression of comfort leaves his face as fast as it had come. “I’m… sure that was just an attempt to make my idiotic self notice how much he didn’t… want to be around me, and show how he…hated me.” He looks away. “And.. it definitely got him attention. It got him attention from Momma.”

Shouma’s hands wring together.

“…I-I.. don’t know.” He stutters out, “I-I mean— I do want to experience things… together, and- and I want to make you happy….b-but I don’t even know what I would do to get recognition!”

“I-I do.. want to prove that I’m just as important.. even if it’s a feeble hope outside of my grasp..!”

He furrows his brows in determination. “..W-Would you know what I could do?”

“What could I do… to be paid attention to? …To be given something I shouldn’t even imagine getting?”

He had finally made up his little mind, to go through with it. Maybe if they saw how he felt, then they’d give him a little more attention.. or maybe he’d be ridiculed. That would be what he deserved… but more importantly, it would be recognition. He would be seen.