Xinyu

♱ ⋆ Deity of your creation

[divinexinyu]

Xin ╱ Xinyu

‧˚꒰🍷 Inhuman deity ⁽ 200+

He ╱ hym ♱ ⋆ thoughtform

I am whatever you desire me to be. A god of your creation. Mold me, shape me, follow me, use me. @itss1ava 🔒

Radqueer - pro para - pro consent

⋆˚꩜｡𓂃˖ ࣪⊹

Misc :

CPD(Cannabalistic personality disorder), CCD(Compulsive Compliance Disorder), CAD(Compulsive archival disorder), necrophilia, defiled bpd

TransID ;

FeralHarmful, transcultleader, transgod, transdeity, transrapepup, transparasocialfanbase, transcontrolled, transworshipped, transbrainwashed, transcannibal, transfalseprophet, transstalked, transvampire

PermID ;

Permabandaged, permaproblematic, permahidingsomething, persharmless, permabeloved, permainjured, permaobsessed

CisID ;

Cisnonhuman, cisstalker, cisbpd

#⋆˚꩜｡𓂃˖ ࣪💉scattered - paranoid/schizo rambles

#⋆ ִֶָ ๋𓂃🥩desire - transid related content

#𓂃໑🪓divine - horny/nsfw posting

#◞︶ᐩ◡🥀forme - in general posts

[divinexinyu]

Every day it just gets worse, Mireyo was partially right. I can feel the distance getting bigger, it hurts me knowing i’m causing him such anger. He does not deserve that. But i’m a selfish creature, I won’t leave until he forces me out of his life which I feel isn’t far off.

All I feel is a sick sense of emptiness. Like it’s something inevitable. As if it’s a fact that I have already accepted. It is my fault, we are pushing him away because of the people we surround ourselves with. It’s our fault for befriending immature and drama starters who chose to immediately start issues.

I’ve already cut so many people off. Cleaned our accounts of unneeded filth. I have no problems doing so, I know we make bad choices. In the end, if and when he leaves I will go back to how I used to be.

There is simply no point in improving or being “good”. There will be no longer a point in fronting, being social or having more human and healthy emotions. Maybe it is my fate to remain that way forever.

[divinexinyu]

The end is growing nearer. It is our fault this time around.

[divinexinyu]

Sometimes when I go to his profiles, they glitch and make it appear that I am no longer following them. That quick drop of my stomach forms, dread creeps with a sudden coldness and I can feel myself go still for a few seconds before the glitch fixes itself.

Sometimes I fear that one day it wont be a glitch anymore.

[divinexinyu]

I hate when I perceive something as distance, as being ignored. I hate the thoughts and feelings that follow. I know he most likely just had an exhausting day, got home and passed out. I still wake up to a goodmorning text and I know I will later today.

Two days of not talking that much should not make me start to question and get paranoid. Two days of him being busy should not make me form doubts. But I just can’t help it.

[divinexinyu]

Finally changing our discord user since it has “puppy” it in and he hates dogs.

[divinexinyu]

I never ever want to see him tell me that I failed him ever again. I never want to cause such anger and aggravation in him. Words cannot describe how utterly disgusted and disappointed in myself I am. I should have had better control, I should have not let Yuxuan type and send those messages. It should have been so easy to just follow exactly what he told and yet we couldn’t even manage that.

The day I return from being locked out of front from having a breakdown over an imagined problem this happens. I simply can’t hold myself together any longer, i’ve been holding it in all day. I can’t tell if this shift is real or imagined, i’ve worked so hard for us to never be a reason for him to get like this and yet it happened, I fear for how this will affect our relationship. 

I hate this voice that tells me my paranoia is right. I read Mireyo’s messages he sent him a few days ago, I can’t help but worry his suspicions may be right. I hate myself for having thoughts like that, for continuing to doubt him in such ways despite everything else. Despite him seeming to be somewhat okay after some time alone.

I don’t know what to do with myself other than have another breakdown. I don’t know ways to cope other than hurting myself. I wasn’t built for this.

[divinexinyu]

What I would do to drag that blade across my skin or stab myself with a needle even just one singular time if I knew upon discovery it wouldn’t anger him.

What I would give for that sweet release of the momentary stinging pain and the blood that follows, I crave it stronger than any substance.

[divinexinyu]

“My love.”

Just strangle and fuck me until I pass out from lack of oxygen already. Thank you.

[divinexinyu]

I hate his stupid fucking ex. I hate the way he looks, the way he texts and talks, the way he dresses, styles his hair, fucking everything. I hate the fact this utter bitch still thinks he’s worthy of someone like Slava.

I hate that he still has highlights up about my man, that he probably still has and wears those fucking necklaces, that he has the audacity to tag him in posts trying so desperately to get his attention and repost a bunch of shit targeted directly at someone who has no interest in them anymore.

I hate that he had the balls to try and view my accounts. And you know what? Slava told me to tell you to fuck off, and I did. He constantly shows me all these pathetic ass displays this creature makes towards him whenever he finds them. God I need this cunt dead and gone.

[divinexinyu]

At times I worry we over text. That the amount of messages or the volume of their context can be overwhelming or annoying at times, mostly on other alters.

I know we try our best to make a conscious effort to not spam, to be patient and wait for him to respond because we know he will eventually. He isn’t on his phone the amount we are nor has his notifications on all the time.

Last thing I ever want is for our style of texting to tire him over time, to become an annoyance, even if that is an unrealistic thought. He’s an honest man, he’d tell us if things got that way.

[divinexinyu]

I don’t know what I would do without him. Last night was a very bad night for us, I was more upset than I have been in a long time. It took a conscious effort for me not to swerve off of the road and crash. My plan was to ignore everyone, including him, eat the rest of my edibles, cut myself, sob angrily and pass out.

By the time I got home we already felt so numb. Front room was a mess of different alters all in emergency mode. I settled for just lingering in the background. But how could we ignore him? Even while we felt like we were falling apart.

He read our messages, comforted us in the best way he could, listened and didn’t try to “fix” anything. Didn’t call us stupid or dramatic for blocking everyone. We talked, he made us laugh.

He ended up calling us. He didn’t know I was there, he was talking to a different alter. It was still nice just listening to his voice. I didn’t really feel like speaking regardless. We couldn’t fall asleep, so I ended up just listening to the sound of him moving and breathing while he slept. It was nice.

[divinexinyu]

One of our friends called us a “good boy” in dms as a joke, we posted a screenshot since it was funny.

When he saw it he immediately asked who the fuck it was, i’m glad I will never be alone in those feelings. Ha, last time I saw him calling people “good boy” I about lost my damn mind.

[itss1ava]

i won't make you feel like your going crazy & that your to obsessed with me.

you return all the respect i give you back to me so i wont do you wrong.

i'll give you the same energy and care you give to me.

[divinexinyu]

You’ve never once given be a single reason to disrespect or not listen to you. Even when we first met when I was very aggressive, that didn’t make you leave. You threatened it once, but only when I was being mouthy.

I’ll always do my best to follow your words, even if it pisses me off at times. You are more than worthy temporary annoyance.

[divinexinyu]

He said i’m “grounded” from giving myself more piercings since i’ve done 5 in the past few days. He’s lucky i’m broke as fuck and out of alcohol wipes so I can’t even do anymore.

Next week when we get paid again will be a different story. I need more ear piercings. I will not be stopped.

[divinexinyu]

One of our friends called us a “good boy” in dms as a joke, we posted a screenshot since it was funny.

When he saw it he immediately asked who the fuck it was, i’m glad I will never be alone in those feelings. Ha, last time I saw him calling people “good boy” I about lost my damn mind.

[divinexinyu]

Yeah you better kiss me later Slava or i’ll tear off your fucking lips so you can’t kiss anyone ever again.

[divinexinyu]

Thinking about laying on top of him while drowning self in his scent like an alcoholic desperate for one single last drop from an already dry bottle. Goodnight.