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Hold me close so I can breathe

Paring: Ally Mayfair Richards x Reader

Words: 3,032

Warnings: mentions of trauma, phobias and panic attacks

Genre: hurt/comfort

For you, Sweetheart @twistedpoeticjustice .

You couldn’t help but stare at her. Her eyes were sparkling in the sunlight, the stream of lights reflecting beautifully in her brown orbs. Her complexion was flawless, a smile gracing her soft lips. Her cheeks were slightly flushed from laughing a little too hard. She was wearing a red pantsuit with a white blouse, of which the first two buttons were undone. You loved seeing her so carefree, so joyful. When she noticed you staring at her, she blushed, looking away shyly.

It was early November. The weather still mild, the trees around you dressed in orange, red and brown colors. Some leaves had already fallen too the ground, some hanging on for dear life, not ready to fly away just yet. The birds were still chirping away happily while the sun was shining brightly. Ozzie was playing with some kids on the swings, their laughter ringing in your ears. Around you, people were pushing strollers with little children, couples were walking through the park holding hands and in the distance you could hear a group of teenagers chatting away. But your eyes were glued to your girlfriend who was contentedly sitting on the blanket you had spread out on the grass, face angled towards the sun.

It wasn’t often that you would get to spend her lunch break together. Usually she had to rush from one meeting to another, always on the run with hardly any time to breathe. On this sunny Friday afternoon, she had clocked out early, desperate for some time with you and her son. She seemed happy, sitting in the park with you, watching Ozzie. You had brought her favorite salad from the store around the corner, a bottle of wine sitting between the two of you. She was holding her glass in her hand, occasionally sipping her wine lazily. You couldn’t help but smile. Never in a million years you would have thought to find a woman whom you loved so deeply, so undoubtedly, so unconditionally.

You were torn out of your thoughts when Ozzie suddenly threw himself at you. “I was talking to Carter, my friend from school, and we want to have a sleepover at his house tonight!”, he excitedly beamed at you. Ozzie knew you were the soft one, the one who would always grant his wishes just to see him smile. Your gaze met Ally’s. She smiled at you, nodding hesitantly. After all she had been through it was hard for her to let Ozzie out of her sight, let alone spend time at a different house where she could not keep an eye on him. You gently intertwined your fingers with hers, stroking her knuckles tenderly with your thumb, trying to ground her. “You know little man, we would have to talk to Carter’s mom about that and you need some clothes, too.”, you gave Ozzie a gentle squeeze, failing to notice Carter’s mom having come up to you. “It’s fine with me.”, she gingerly smiled at you and Ally, “He can borrow some of Carter’s PJ’s and we do have spare toothbrushes at home.” You gave Ally a questioning look, receiving a silent nod from her. “Well, have fun little man.”, and Ozzie happily strode off with his friend, their laughter ringing through the park.

You could feel Ally's tension as she drove home, she was penetrating every fiber of her body as she nervously fiddled with her fingers. "Ally, everything is fine. Don't worry. I know how difficult it is for you to let Ozzie go, but he needs time with his friends, time to develop and just be a normal boy.”, Ally huffed, her eyes still gazing out the window. The sun had long since disappeared into her bedchamber, instead the moon was now bright in the sky. Not a cloud was to be seen, the night was clear with stars. “Anything I can do?”, you simply asked. When you didn’t receive a reaction from Ally you figured to just let her be. Over the years you had learned that Ally would seek your company as soon as she felt overrun by her anguish or when she was overwhelmed by her fear. When the walls came closer to her and she felt like she was suffocating. When no more air could get into her lungs, when she was pulled down by an invisible force, into the dark, with no way out.

You parked the car and Ally almost jumped out, making her way to the door without even waiting for you. You quickly caught up to her and once you stepped inside, you gently grabbed her coat, freed her shoulders to softly hold her so she would finally look at you. Even if Ally acted like she was mad at you, her eyes spoke a different language. When your eyes met you could see her insecurity, you could see that she was afraid that something might happen. Even if her experiences with the cult no longer seemed as present in her life as they did a few years ago, the memories of it became a constant companion for her. You gave her a soft smile, your hands moving down her arms until you were able to intertwine your hands with hers, gently dragging her with you, up the stairs and to your shared bathroom.

Once you entered the room, you couldn’t help but let out a breath you had not realized you were holding. Standing here, Ally’s hands in yours, you felt like everything was going to be okay. The big, cosy bathroom had always been your safe space. When you had moved in with Ally, you had remodeled it completely, insisting that it needed to be warm, inviting and comforting. You had a large fireplace installed on one side of the large room, and directly in front of it a free-standing bathtub was placed, surrounded by candles. You knew that it seemed cheesy, but it was more important to you that Ally had a place to calm herself, where she could forget her worries and fears, where she could find peace after the day had drained her of her strength again. So now, when she seemed so worried about leaving her son at a friends house, you wanted to take her worries away, help her relax and feel like herself again.

You carefully helped her to sit on the edge of the bathtub while you started to let the water in, your eyes not leaving hers for a second. You gave her a kiss on the forehead while gently sliding her hair behind her ear. Ally had closed her eyes as she hummed contentedly. You could still feel the tension in her body. Slowly, tenderly, you began to open her blouse, only to see that she was not wearing any underwear. You grinned at her as you raised an eyebrow. "Were you in a hurry this morning?" and while she remembered how you had pushed her against the closet, covered her neck with little bites and kisses, a small smile left her lips. "I wouldn't have been if someone hadn't distracted me."

Your lips met Ally's, a tender kiss to seal the promise of forever, while you let her pants fall down her legs. Your hands found hers and you helped her stand up. "Do you actually know how beautiful you are?", your eyes had watered. Some days you still could not believe how lucky you were to have found her. You gently helped her to ease into the bathtub. As soon as the warm water enveloped her, she sighed. “Will you stay with me?”, she whispered softly while she watched you light the candles and the fireplace. “Actually, would you just join me?”, her eyes looked for yours, an invisible band pulling you towards her, meeting her gaze. “Always.”, So you took off your clothes to take a seat in the tub behind her.

Your arms wandered from her shoulders to her hands where they gently met hers and found their place over Ally's heart. She sighed as she leaned against you. You pressed a kiss against her temple while your fingertips ran over the tender skin over her heart. “So how about we just order a pizza and hang out in bed for the rest of the night?”, you gently whispered into her ear while you nibbled her earlobe. She turned to the side, meeting your gaze, “That sounds good, Honey.” and her lips met yours in a soft kiss only to have her rest her head on your chest after. You traced her spine with your fingertips, barely touching the soft flesh. She hummed, snuggling closer to you, basking in your warmth. “Are you feeling alright?”, you inquired while rubbing circles on the small of her back. “I am worried. Not only about Oz, but about you leaving me. I know it’s not easy.. being with me.. dealing with me.”, she didn’t meet your eyes, “But I want you to know that I am doing everything I can to get better. I want you to be happy. I want to be the one to make you happy. I hate myself for being so afraid of everything, for not letting our son have the childhood he deserves, for freaking out about every little thing around me.”, you pulled her closer to you, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. “You make me happy, Ally. Every time you smile at me, every time your eyes meet mine, every time you hold me close and bring me coffee in the morning.”

“We are out of wine.”, Ally yelled from the kitchen. You had finished your bath a while ago and had just ordered a pizza which you were going to eat in bed while watching a movie. You were already in your Pajamas, hair wet and captured in a towel over your head. “I am just going to run to the store real quick.”, Ally was already putting on her coat and her fuzzy shoes, grabbing her keys from the counter. “You don’t have to, seriously. We can just eat Pizza.”, you didn’t want her to leave, always afraid for her. These days it did not take much to trigger any one of her phobias and it always broke your heart seeing her in distress. “It’s fine. I will only be gone for a few minutes.”, and with that, the door closed behind her, leaving you standing in the middle of the entryway by yourself.

Your phone started ringing about 15 minutes after Ally had left the safety of your shared house. Even before you answered, you knew something was wrong. The clenching of your stomach had only intensified after Ally had left, a bad feeling taking over every fiber of your being. “Ally?”, you tried to keep the trembling out of your voice. “Honey, I need you, please, I need you.”, you could hear her erratic breathing over the phone, could hear the tears in her voice. “Where are you? Just tell me where you are, Ally!”, you had already run out the door, the engine of your car roaring. “At the store.. they were trying to get me. So many of them..”, she was bordering a panic attack and you disregarded any speed limitations while you made your way to the store around the corner. You spotted her car right away since the parking lot was empty. With screeching tires you drove towards her, your heart beating like it was trying to get out of your chest. When you reached her, you opened her door, trying your hardest to seem calm and collected.

Her knuckles were already turning white from gripping the steering wheel with everything she had. Her breathing was uneven, erratic and her eyes firmly shut. She had a small cut on her forehead, blood dripping down to her furrowed brows. Your heart broke for her, but you knew that no matter how much seeing her like this hurt you, her pain was a thousand times worse. “Ally, Sweetheart, I am here. You are safe now.”, you kneeled next to the car, your hands finding her thigh, rubbing gentle circles over her pants, trying to ground her. She didn’t open her eyes, still squeezing them shut while she desperately try to fill her lungs with oxygen. “Ally, they are gone. I promise you, please open your eyes for me, please look at me.”, you were so worried about her, fiercely trying to make her open her eyes, to leave the dark place her mind had captured her in. All you wanted was for her to come back to you, to find safety in your embrace where you would protect her from everything and everyone trying to hurt her. You felt your heart skip a beat when her eyes finally opened, meeting yours. Her brown eyes, which usually reflected so much warmth, which seemed deeper than the ocean and with which the sun shone in competition, were shrouded in darkness. They swam with tears that were now slowly finding their way down her cheeks, gathering on her chin until they dropped to her lap. Your hands found hers, caressing the back of her hand. You slowly got up from your kneeling position, unbuckling Ally’s seatbelt. “Can you breathe with me, Ally?”, you whispered while you encouraged her to face you. Trembling hands held on to your jacket, grabbing it with all she had while she tried to find a breathing pattern. You guided her head against your stomach, stroking the back of her head “Breathe with me, Sweetheart… 1…. 2….1….2…”, you felt her shudder, so you kissed the crown of her head. “You’re doing so good Ally. I am so proud of you, you’re so brave.” You felt her breathing find a pattern, still far from steady, but steady enough to get her into your car to drive to the safety of your home. You helped her up, grabbing her back from the passengers seat. She was still pressed against you, refusing to leave the safety of your embrace. “I am calling a cab, okay? I will hold you. I won’t let go.”, and you felt her nod against your neck.

The drive to your house took barely five minutes and you had kept your promise. You had sat with her in the back of the cab, your grip firmly around her shoulders. When you were finally back your safe space, you could feel the tension slowly leaving her. She was still leaning against your frame, but her grip had relaxed a little, now loosely holding onto the lapels of your jacket. You planted a kiss to her forehead, freeing you both from your coats. “Why don’t you go upstairs, change and I’ll bring up the pizza?”, you could see the gears turning in her head, not wanting to let you go, but also in desperate need to put on comfortable clothes. She nodded, making her way upstairs.

As soon as you were sure that Ally was upstairs, you let out a shaky breath, wiping angrily at the tears which had gathered under your eyes. Sometimes you felt like Ally’s pain had climbed through the pores of your skin, putting your heart in shackles, forcing you to feel everything she was experiencing. You knew this was only because your love for her ran deeper than anything you had ever felt before. She was everything to you and you promised her and yourself that you would do anything to make her happy. When the microwave dinged, signaling that the pizza had reheated, you gathered two plates and made your way upstairs. A smile played on your lips when you saw Ally in her comfiest pajamas, just getting into bed. When she saw you, she opened up the comforter, taking the plates from your hands so you could settle in next to her.

You finished the movie close to midnight. Ally was snuggled up against you, her head resting in the crook of your neck while her legs had entangled themselves with yours. Her arm was thrown over your small waist while yours was used to secure her position, gently caressing her back while your lips planted soft kisses on her head. “I think something’s wrong with me.”, you almost didn’t hear her, her voice barely audible, and you could feel her tears on your neck “I don’t know what’s real anymore.” Your heart broke for her. “Listen closely, Ally. If you need it, I will tell you everyday how much I love you, how I will always protect you, and how I will be always by your side. You are worth so much more than your illness, than your phobias. Have you ever felt your love? It’s like a blanket around me, making me feel warm and safe. Your smile is my favorite thing in the world… and when you actually laugh out loud.. it’s music in my ears. There is nothing wrong with you, you just have an illness which can not be cured by being put in a cast, by taking antibiotics for a week or by physical therapy. It is not less real just because others can not see it. And even though your fears are irrational ones, you never should feel bad about being afraid. I will always be here to remind you of the present, to remind you where you are and to remind you how I will always be here to protect you. I love you Ally and being loved by you is the greatest joy I have ever felt in my life. You are everything to me and if it’s going to take a lifetime to make you believe that, I will happily spend mine doing just that.”

You took a deep breath. Ally’s eyes found yours and this time the tears which were dancing down her cheeks were not of sadness, but happiness. “I love you so much.”, she choked out, her lips finding yours in the gentlest kiss. You could feel her love pouring into you, igniting every cell of your body, your skin tingling underneath her touch. “And I love you, Ally.”

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