Today I watched my friends turn their tassle from right to left. I watched from many feet away. I clapped with tears running down my face. I didn't know it was to be happy that my class graduated or out of pure rage and jealousy of those who graduated.
That was MY graduating class. I was supposed to walk but unfortunately, life isn't as pretty as I always grew up thinking to be. I am ashamed of myself. I was just told yesterday that I won't be able to walk. I wouldn't be able to shake anyone's hand. I wouldn't be able to graduate. I had been given a false hope that I would hear my name being called and be able to walk onto the stage. I had been mislead to thinking that my whole family would be there cheering me on and taking many pics of me in my cap and gown.
I am ashamed. I am disappointed in myself. I am at fault. I'm so depressed. This past few weeks, I've honestly been on autopilot. Just taking every bad piece of news left and right and cry it off; but I will never get over this day. I feel so horrible for the two people who had raised me for the past 18 years. They've been waiting for this one day. This was more their day than mine, yet it was taken away. They ripped out the heart of my parents and I will always feel anger for this.
This morning I watched my mom iron my gown. She had tears in her eyes. She knew that this gown was merely a prop. A facade to trick people to thinking I was graduating but in reality I was just taking pictures with my friends so it looked like I did. The school's principal took away my cap and gown moments after seeing me in line. I know I wasn't supposed to be here. This was the line for people are graduating. I don't belong there, however, I tried anyways, even to just be near everyone as they screamed of happiness.
Ma, dad. I am so sorry. I am so ashamed of myself and I've learned my lesson but I don't want you to be hurt. This is one me. Let me suffer. I'm so sorry that your first daughter couldn't set an example to the rest. I'm so sorry that your worst nightmare came true. I'm so so so truly sorry for letting you down. I see you both smile but I know you're both hurting. I know you're both embarrassed. You couldn't even tell my siblings that I didn't walk today. It's okay, I deserve to be ashamed of myself. I deserve to be disgusted with myself but please don't blame yourself. Don't take this out on yourself. This is not your fault. You both are terrific parents. I'm just a lazy disgusting daughter. I don't deserve you both, but thank you for always trying to comfort me. Your smiles make it seem that it's a lot less terrible than it seems, but I know in this situation it truly is as bad as it gets.
As the caps were thrown up into the air, I became so worthless in that moment. I am nothing. I feel like nothing. I am nobody. I am nobody important. I won't change a life and I most certainly won't make anyone's life any better. I am truly no one. I am a girl named Cassandra but what has she done? She's become a dissapointment to those around her. She rather be dead than be someone who couldn't make anyone proud. As of now, I've lost all of my self worth. All these past months that I've worked so hard on, so hard to love myself- gone. In just one day. I don't think I'll ever be as self confident as much now. Right now, I'm really suicidal. I really just want to end things here, because here, just feels like the end. I've really lost it all. I feel like I have nothing. These past four years have given me nothing and made me nothing. I'll just have to learn to build myself again, that will be so difficult, this was such a hard day to be apart of.
And so congrats to the class of 2018. Congrats to having a life didn't screw you over as much as it did to mine. Congrats to the adult world you're in right now, while I stay behind. Congrats to all my classmates, that I've watched walk with bright smiles and given firm handshakes. Congrats getting a paper than basically determines your self worth within these past four years. Congrats on making it. Congrats to North Brunswick's Class of 2018.
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