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Exhaustion

Life is exhaustive. Let me tell you something I’ve never liked about life. You’re born, fed to this system known as school and for about 16-18 years of your life you’re in this forced accelerated learning process whereby in some cases you have to do things you don’t really want to do. Then after those initial schooling years. You get a little bit more freedom. You can either continue to study or head straight into the real world thereby cementing your status as a working adult. Now this is what most people’s lives are like unless you’re super talented at something/pursue something with enough courage. Its always bothered me that the majority of people have their lives spent doing things for other people. When you ask people about why they go to school, I imagine most answers to be like “Because I have to be” or “Because I was forced to.” The same kinda rings true for a person in a full time job. It seems to me that we spend most of our lives as slaves for someone else. It feels like the system I was brought up in, yes that same schooling system I’m complaining about right now isn’t built for a student like myself to truly realise their complete potential. The current school system is just a nice precursor to the real world. You go from being a slave to the school to being a slave to a company you work for until you finally retire. Its a sad truth. The whole idea of working for someone else just never appealed to me. Maybe its because I’ve always felt like I was meant for more and I’ve never felt like I had the right support to do what I’m truly meant to. To be honest I’m not entirely sure what that is yet. But what I do know, is that there is a lot I want to try and a lot I want to accomplish yet the time I have left probably isn’t enough to accommodate all that. To me a lot of that comes down to the time I waste on things that don’t matter. I spend around 8 hours a day working for someone else, doing a task that takes little effort and is of very little use to what I really want to achieve in life. It’s exhausting because you finally get home and just lose the will to go out and do what you wanted. Those who have achieved great things and are successful are ones who challenged the system and went out of their way to make themselves great. The system won’t change passively and neither will I. So I guess what I’m trying to say is that I live a passive life and I’m exhausted. So how about I attempt to live the life I want to and started feeling more alive than ever?

VALUE

Its nice to brain dump once in a while. I literally just wrote what was on my mind in this moment and threw up all over the page. It began with some thoughts which I’ve had for a while/still have and I managed to come full circle with a self diagnosis of the problem. You should get some rest mate. Of course you’re gonna be exhausted when you chat too much shit. Also don’t make any more blog commitments. I think by now we’ve realised this ain’t your thing. You always write for a bit then disappear. Who knows when we might see you next?

Alvida

Day 32 & 33

Another day, another double dosage of blogging. Now why didn’t I blog yesterday? Well I got home late due to standard gross incompetence. Went bowling with a few of the work lot after work. I ended up winning but that was it as for the good things that happened that day. This triumph was subsequently followed by getting on the right bus, only for it to go the wrong way. Yep, I didn’t realise until I looked at my phone and saw the route get longer. Worse still, I had my work mate with me who now thinks I’m terrible at life and directions. And even more worse, he was snapchatting the whole thing. We get off at the next stop only to cross the road to get to the nearest bus stop which is in the middle of fucking nowhere. I’m waiting until my friend gracefully informs me that the stop we’re waiting at is closed. Could this day get any worse... yep. So now I’m perceived as even more stupid than I already am and we’re walking to the next bus stop while it gets dark. The name of the next bus stop was a piss take as well. It was called “Challenge Road”, yeah fuck you universe. Finally we make it onto the right bus that goes the right way. I’m now on this bus alone back toward home as my workmate has to change to get to where he was staying. The bus stops at one of the stops and the fucking driver just gets out and goes to the nearest shop and decides to do his fucking shopping. Like what the hell, as if I wasn’t late enough getting home already. Then comes the kicker. Only I on this day could have stayed on the bus I was on for two stop longer than I should’ve been since I wasn’t paying attention. I then had the luxury of walking a nice long walk home. How so many things went wrong was beyond me. But the truth is I knew why. My mind was plagued with other more deep thoughts that I was struggling to contain and it was affecting my daily life. Sometimes a series of mistakes you make in the past can haunt you in the future and that’s exactly what happened to me that day.

VALUE

As for today, my only priority has been to learn and take in as much as I could at work. Distracting myself is the short term solution for what I’m going through right now. Its a mental struggle. But its a battle that only myself and God understand. On the plus side. Today I start a new book. Can’t wait to get stuck in. Doing my best to build better habits.

Day 31

Diligence.

This is the beginning of a long series of posts in which I attempt to identify and understand certain character traits of mine that require improvement. Today we start with diligence. By definition, diligence is working hard and doing the best job you can. There is special emphasis on taking care in the things you do and giving your best effort. In my experience, I always assumed I was a diligent person, but the more I look into past situations and experiences, I was not diligent when it came to diligence. I’ve half assed a lot of things in my life. It took until now to realise that. Those times I’ve been at work and completed a task for the sake of completing it. This was a completely wrong approach. I’ve especially lacked it when it comes to relationships and studying. My half assed approach and overall disdain for studying led me to be subpar by my standards. Not showing proper care in a recent relationship was the downfall of it. Diligence ensures that a job is done well and makes sure that there are no severe negative consequences as a result.

Diligence leads to people relying on you and trusting you. People will recognise you for being that person who’s good at what they do and puts the required care and effort into the things they do. Now that is something I would want a reputation for. It can be practiced in everything we do.

VALUE

My road to redemption begins with becoming an individual of more diligence. Its time to take more care in the things I do and the people I interact with. Not giving certain relationships their due diligence is what caused me to be in this dire position. So I figure its a good place to start. How do I plan to do it? The first thing is to think about my actions, then decide how I’m going to undertake my task, followed by my full attention and effort towards that task. You are the value that you’re recognised for. If other people can see diligence in you, there is no need for you to brag about it. Take care in everything you do. Nurture those relationships, don’t make the mistakes I did. You will regret it. Be the best you can be. You don’t want to lose people like I have. And if you already made those mistakes, it’s not too late to start.

Day 30

I’ve never felt these feelings before. The hurt, the pain, the non stop physical hyperventilation. What happened last night irked me. It was a standard family incident but this one punched me right in the mouth and made sure I tasted my own blood before I could properly assimilate what happened. By the time I did, I was out the room because what happened was no accident. This was by design. God made sure I saw this. He wanted this to happen. Well it happened and it was unlike anything else. The trauma and after effects were just devastating. It wasn’t the situation that was the traumatic part though. It was the reminder that the incident brought with it. A reminder that will stay with me throughout the rest of my time and haunt me in future days. I’ve accepted my fate for now.

VALUE

Today was a day of struggle, one of many. But I can gratefully say at the end of this day, that I knocked it out like mama said so (LL Cool J told me to say that). I went through the rough and tough for most of this day. But this isn’t the end. I have to brave this out for however long it takes. The ups and downs will continue to come and go. Emotions and retributions will emerge and fade. But all feeling is temporary. Nothing will last forever. And hopefully I find the path to the redemption I seek.

Day 29

What happens after I told you so? What happens after someone you do something wrong like really wrong? How does one atone for such mistakes? Can you really forgive a murderer? How about that parent who left? What about the guy who pissed off his best friend to the point where they just left him? Mistakes happen. At what point do people choose to forgive us for them, if there a point that is? I wish I could tell you. Nobody’s perfect. Arguments happen. You live, you fuck up, you learn. Or in my case, you live, you fuck up, you live, you still fuck up, you ignore, you waste, you don’t care then you learn. But by that point its too late. One major lesson I’ve learned so far is to be aware of your actions. People will take note. You’re allowed to fail when you try. But when you fail and don’t try to rectify that means you chose not to move forward. I learned it the hard way.

VALUE

You messed up and you’re at that point where you don’t know if things will ever be the same again. Unfortunately, they probably won’t but that’s not a bad thing. If there’s one saying that has stuck by me my entire life. Its that “Time heals all wounds.” I’ve experienced a lot of shit in my lifetime, and from all those experiences, time has been my best friend. Time will pass, things that meant a lot start to mean less. Your head starts to clear and the overall distance from the situation is just useful for reflection. Everything is messy right now, but trust me bro yep you I’m talking to you (Talking to myself) it won’t last forever. You’ll go through all the emotions to get over this but eventually time does its thing and maybe one day you’ll revisit the situation in the future when you’re much older and wiser. You will live.

There is nothing like the power of unrequited love. Its not shared, its mine and mine only. If you gamble in the name of love stake what you like...whats to fear? How wonderful if you win, Even if you lose, all is not lost

Day 28

Today has been a rough day. It seems everytime I think I’m taking steps forward, I’m taking steps back. Life is tough. Life is a struggle. People come into your lives for four reasons. Add, subtract, multiply and divide. Its sounds almost too simple. And yet when you think about it, its true. You can do a million things right and yet people will only ever focus on that one thing you did wrong. Why is that? Why does that one flaw become the be all and end all of our lives? I’ve made mistakes. I’m not ashamed of it, and I’ll still make mistakes. Yet it feels like taking responsibility for those mistakes has no effect on how someone can view you. I’m here trying my hardest to be the best I can be and yet it seems futile to some. The thing that keeps me going is that I do this for me. Nobody matters anymore just me. I’ve given so much of myself to others. Time I saved myself for me. At the end of the day, you come into this world alone and you leave alone. All that in between is just filler. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do anything with it. Life is a constant test. Some people will come into it and change your life for the better or worse. Recognising the value of such people is important. Its a constant learning process. Don’t be afraid to fail. And even when it does so in the most catastrophic of ways, pick yourself back up and keep moving.

VALUE

Time waits for no one. Life hits you in the strangest ways and will continue to do so. Relationships are a struggle. Don’t overreact. Reflect on your actions. Stay kind. When things go wrong, time is your friend. You have the opportunity to look back and see where things went wrong. I was accused of something today, and in my perspective it wasn’t true yet to someone else it was. I’m still not sure who’s right. Seek to understand, there is no need to win the argument.

Day 26 & 27

There is nothing in the universe so permanent as never to change. Change is inevitable. And no matter how much some of us will feel like we don’t change, the truth is we do. Our bodies are always changing. Us as people change with our environment and whats important is the way we deal with this change.

VALUE

To change with a change is a state of no change. Change is good, you grow and evolve. When you cease to change, you stagnate and somewhat begin to regress. Don’t believe that you or someone else can’t change, because nothing in the universe is so permanent as never to change.

Day 25

Amazon pickup locations can go fuck themselves. I go to get my package, got my ID ready just wanna get my package and go. Guy says come back in half an hour, I’m thinking to myself why but being the way I am I’m like okay I don’t live too far half hour ain’t much. I go back later, without my ID this time. Idiot right. Guy says na can’t give you package. UGHH what a waste of my time. Sure the place isn’t far, sure you send me away for no reason at first but wtf how am I gonna waste my own time like wtf.

VALUE

Value your time. Time is money they say. Time is time and money is money. I was upset because I wasted time going there and getting nothing. That happened on more than one occasion. Truth is in that time I would’ve saved I probably wouldn’t have done much. Which is quite sad. I’m pleased that I was annoyed for wasting my time because that shows desire to do something useful with it. However it was just a case of me not getting my package and getting mad because I didn’t get it. Oh well, I’ll get over it...as should you. Small blip, won’t mean much in the future.

Day 23 & 24

Another double day blawggg post. So day 23 was pretty fun... well the morning was anyway. A nice breakfast outside in one of the niche places in Brighton, damn its beautiful. Breakfast followed by a peng walk on the beach, Brighton is a perfect holiday destination. I’m not sure I could live there but definitely a good place for a vacation. That was the highlight of day 23. Now on to day 24, I’ve begun to stagnate. A horrible realisation. I’ve gotten stuck in a routine. Don’t get me wrong, its a good routine but it needs to change in order for me to evolve.

VALUE

Routines are boring, they’re good for a bit but then things start to get boring. Look to change things up every week or every couple of weeks. This way you stay on your toes and adapt every week to become the optimal you.

Day 22

What a day. I discovered somewhere new today. A place where it was beautiful and quiet and just generally peaceful. It was soothing. The steep inclines of the hilly roads and the general beauty of the pier and novelty shops. Damn it was great. I didn’t feel like I was thinking too much and the overall experience was just refreshing. There was no over analysing, no thinking too far ahead. Just walking, discovering and taking in the beauty of what the world had to offer. I’ll admit Brighton surprised me. I went in not knowing what to expect and there was no fear holding me back. Just curiosity driving me to explore and uncover things which I may have missed in the world. This place is genuinely beautiful. A bit like love at first sight yet I’m still to find out about her personality. At first glance, I see a place where I could potentially settle. Now obviously its early days but I wouldn’t rule it out. Along with the discovery of this magnificent place, also came the discovery of another deeper internal recurring problem. A problem which wasn’t clear to me until it was essentially spelled out to me. This is probably the part where you’re expecting a whole “Well the new me doesn’t talk about problems.” Truth is there is no new me, there is only one me and me is ever changing.

VALUE

To change with change is being in a changeless state. I’m not here to dwell on that problem but simply to remind myself to not ignore the solution. The solution to all problems we encounter lies within oneself. I know the problem and I have a solution. The solution may not be long term but it will however do for now and be modified to evolve future needs. Do what you have to do out of necessity.

Day 21

3 weeks since I started. Boom boom. I feel healthier, happier and just more content in general. Now what happened today? Standard ass work from home day. Followed by gym and other good food stuffs. Just a standard day at the office. Well tomorrow should be fun. Ya boi is off to see a mate in Brighton. never been there before so it should be good. Footy season started again whoop whoop! Can’t wait. Promising new beginnings.

VALUE

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, consistency is the key. I’m here at day 21, now 3 weeks is good, but its not a month nor is it year. Now the progress is beginning to show, but its important to enjoy the journey as much as celebrate the results. Keep this up for a another few weeks and I’ll be even more better than I am today. But it also doesn’t stop there. Keep it up.

Day 19 & 20

Another double day blog post (Due to another day of incompetence). The good news is, I learned something. I learned it yesterday and today I’m sure I learned something too but yesterdays lesson was better...I think.

It takes 10,000 hours to become world class at something. Yep 10,000 hours. That is a lot of fucking time. If you spend 2 hours a day on something, it’ll take over 13 years. Again, that is a long fucking time. That is a marathon. In order to be great at something, you have to put the time and work in. Most people get to that stage where they put a bit of work in and they become competent then they just stagnate. There’s a reason Michael Jordan is the greatest of all time. There’s a reason Ronaldo and Messi tower well above every other footballer today. There’s a reason Diddy is the most successful musician of all time. They are all masters of their craft. If you really love something and want to be great you have to put the time and effort in to get those 10,000 hours. Those people wanted to be great and stuck with it and have continued to. In doing so they have managed to reap the rewards of their work.

VALUE

You want to be great at something. You now have the number of hours of practice you’re gonna need. I don’t mean those half assed attempts. This is 10,000 hours of hard graft. Now this doesn’t mean you won’t enjoy any success along the way. The journey won’t always be smooth sailing, however, once you have reached those 10,000 hours things will become second nature, you’ll start doing it without realising. Don’t forget to enjoy the journey. We often forget what’s around us and tend to leave the real experience behind when we’re fixated on something. The journey is just as important as the destination, cherish it.

Day 17 & 18

So yesterday completely slipped my mind. i was all caught up in other things which is both good and bad since I was occupied but occupied to the point where I forgot about this. Somehow, someway, overnight I got sick. I woke up today that is, felt like shit and that feeling continued to prevail throughout the day. Today was an anomaly, diet wise fruit intake was not as consistent as it had been. Tomorrow that should go back to normal. I still went to the gym though. There’s something about going to the gym when I’m sick, its like for that one hour I’m there, I’m not sick anymore.

VALUE

Been a bit crap the last few days. Hopefully everything should normalise again tomorrow. Consistency is the key. Even when you’re sick. Today was an off day. Off days are allowed. Whats not allowed is turning those off days into off weeks then off years and having everything you’ve worked for just unravel and dwindle in an instance. Stay with the program.

Day 16

I’m sat here thinking to myself, hmm what should I write about today. there weren’t any meaningful epiphany’s I had, nor interesting life experiences where I learned something. I guess I’ll keep this short and sweet. I’ve been social media free for a few weeks now and feel like I’m missing out on nothing. It’s actually refreshing. You should try it sometime. Yes you, imaginary reader (No one actually reads these things).

VALUE

This has not been my best post by any stretch. But for the sake of consistency and keeping up this everyday record it’s here. My life has been ever improving and continues to do so. And me being here is my way of showing it, kind of like my own personal progress meter. It all started with deleting all the shit off of my phone that was useless. Then a few lifestyle changes and other implementations and we’re here. Now it’s time to take that next step. Go get em.

Day 15

Now I now this is actually quite late for me. Well lately anyways. Its been a busy day, guests poppin up left right and centre. No time to rest or any real time for myself but it was all good, I enjoy the company of people especially the ones who have the ability to make you forget about life so you can just enjoy their company with them. It was a fun filled day with one heart wrenching moment that shouldn’t have meant as much as it did. And to be honest the more I think about it, the more I uncover about my true feelings. It was something so little that doesn’t isn’t gonna mean much to me in about 5-10 years. Yet it still managed to make my insides sink but never mind. It was one moment that shouldn’t mean anything to me so fuck it, I’m done giving it the attention it doesn’t deserve. There is something I did learn today. My dad was telling me a story about how he bought our house and how some estate agent tried to get them to buy a different one. But he really wanted this one. The lesson being if you want something go get it.

VALUE

If you want something go get it. Nobody will get it for you and don’t let anyone stop you. Make the necessary steps to strive towards that thing you want. Doing nothing means its not gonna come to you. More importantly, if you don’t ask you don’t get. Never think of yourself as an inconvenience, but don’t take liberties. There’s good fear and bad fear. Bad fear stops you from taking action. Good fear is thrilling, it makes you think wow that really is what I want and it seems so far from where I am now.

Day 14

Its been two weeks. Improvements have been slow and steady but I’m still not where I want to be. My diet has actually improved, my belly however has chosen to be stubborn. More fruit and veg I’ve been eating and a lot more protein. Need to introduce more cooking and a few other superfoods. Few more weeks and the diet should be even better than today. With that complemented with my gym routine I’ll be where I want to be physically. Mentally though things can still be struggle. Just gotta make sure I keep up the consistency and focus I’ve had the past two weeks. Its a hard battle. There’s days where sometimes you just sit there for a while and let time pass you by. For no reason at all you just let it happen. Its soothing but extremely wasteful. The internal battles are the worst, it is true you are your worst enemy. Overcoming oneself is the greatest challenge. I’m not sure you could ever truly conquer yourself but you can certainly tame yourself.

VALUE

Take a long hard look at yourself. See where the flaws are and make steps to improve those for a better you. Don’t wait to be told. Don’t burden someone else with your bad habits. A lot of the times we blame our problems on something else, but fail to see where we went wrong. Be critical of yourself to the point where you can be constructive not to the point where you lose hope and feel the need to kill yourself. You want to be a better you, and the only thing stopping you is you. So move out of the friggin way.

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