[ijustcantwoee]

022020

This has been on my notes for a couple of months now. I composed this unsure of if I could still give this to you. The original plan was to read this out loud to you but here it goes...

13 years ago, I never thought that we would be THIS close. That we could be like this. (Who would’ve thought?) We didn’t even have our HIs and HELLOs back then. Actually, we didn’t even have a conversation at all. I never knew before that you’re in the same circle with my closest friends (palagi ka kasing busy eh missing in action ha ha). During high school, I only knew you by your name and face, you're way out of my league. You know what they say... the popular one. :)

Years passed and the time came when I'm with our friends, and your name actually pops-out, but I didn’t pay attention. I didn't pay much attention about what they have to say about you, your love-life and as to when you want to see us to hangout, etc. We would sometimes meet you and I was just, there, on the sidelines, drinking my beer and minding my own business and I never looked at you the way I’m looking at you now. I could remember you as the funny one, charming, the life of the party, you know.. everyone's favorite. Maybe that's why I didn't have a hard time admiring you. Your witty remarks, your on-the-spot jokes, and how on the go you are. But I kept my hands off as you were taken, and I really didn't have the intention to like you, you're way out of my reach. When I heard about your stories and all the things you had to go through, I was thinking, if I could go back in time, I'd find you so that I could love you longer.

But then I realized while looking back, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Maybe because if there were no gaps, and the timespan wasn't that long right before we became close, it wouldn’t be like this. Maybe we are just like me-Paula-B to each other. Maybe our time today together was molded to be just ours, that we had to wait that long for us to go through what we experienced so that we have stories and lessons to tell to each other. I admire you for being so good even after all the pain you went through. Even though I know you would never believe me, I'd still tell you anyway. I'd tell you every day until you believe it yourself because of someone as good and lovely as you shouldn’t feel that way. I may not be like the ones you usually see on the television, videos, billboards, and Facebook pages :)))) but I'll be the one you see right beside you when you feel like you're not enough or lovable (like what you always say).

That Saturday night that I sat right beside you??, I didn’t have the intention to flirt. Actually, that night, I was supposed to go home straight after I jogged, but thank God, nanaig yung lasinggera ako and I chose alcohol rather than sleeping hahaha.

[ijustcantwoee]

032416

Kamusta ka na? Ang dami dami kong gusto ikwento sa'yo. Ang daming beses ba gusto kita makakwentuhan ulit. Sobrang namimiss na kita. Sana masaya ka na dyan. Kahit minsan naiisip ko na sana naririnig pa kita. Pero alam kong iwas na iwas ka na sa akin. Hindi na ako yung dati mong gusto. Sobrang nawawala ako ngayon di ko alam san ako magsisimula. Ang hirap hirap magsimula sa umpisa. Lingon pa rin ako ng lingon kasi binabalikan ko yung masasaya na lang. Yung andito ka pa. Tuwing wala akong kasama, dati automatic ikaw unang una kong pupuntahan. Sasabihan kita pag gusto ko makita ka. Gusto ko ulit makasabay kang kumain, maglakad, tumawa, mainis sa lrt/mrt, magantay ng masasakyan at wala lang, kasama lang kita. Kasi ganun naman yun diba. Ang dami dami kong gusto ikwento sa'yo. Kahit sobrang wasak na wasak pa din ako kasi di ko alam nangyayari sakin. Kahit feeling ko tingin nyo pa din sa akin, yung kasalanan na nagawa ko. Kahit feeling ko gumagawa pa rin yung mundo ng dahilan para hindi ako makapag move forward, sisihin yung sarili ko at wala akong karapatan sumaya. Andami daming nangyare. Masaya, malungkot at wala lang. Gusto kita ulit makita. Gustong gusto ulit kita makita. Sorry.

[ijustcantwoee]

Feeling ko ang bobo bobo ko. Parang sobrang wala ko nanamang kwentang tao.

[ijustcantwoee]

Ikaw kasi sobrang galing mo eh. Ano ba naman laban ko sa thoughtful, family-oriented, techie, hardworking di ba.

[girlbehindthisblog-deactivated2]

I just wanted to cry right now. Cry ‘till i can no longer feel pain and sadness, until i’ll become numb. I feel so hopeless right now. I feel so alone. I just want a tight hug and cry in someone’s arms but i have no one i can run to. That’s why i’ll myself in this dark room and sit in one corner, hugging my knees and cry nonstop, this is my only way to lessen this heaviness inside me. I am so sad right now. I am in deep pain. I want to stop existing and be gone even just for a day. I don’t want to feel this. I don’t like this feeling, it’s too much to handle. It makes me want to stop breathing. Can someone please take this pain away. I can’t handle this on my own, But i’m just alone and i have no one where i can tell everything. I am so weak right now and i hate being in this kind of state, i feel so miserable. I feel so useless. The girl who used to be strong is now crying because i’m just a human being, i’m allowed to feel weak sometimes, i have this soft spot inside me. The girl who’s always been there for everyone, giving words of wisdom is now in need of s shoulder to cry on. I’m sorry for feeling this way, i just need to let this out.

[girlbehindthisblog-deactivated2]

I can see so many broken people. Finding their way on how to mend their broken heart. Some already on their stage of moving on and acceptance. While others are still hoping, some are still wondering on how and where they’ll pick up the broken pieces. They’re a lost soul and finding their way to their old self. It’s not easy to unlove someone but you can’t forget your love for someone, you’ll just get over it on the right time, it’ll always be with you. You can’t forget how they’ll made you feel, their scent, the sound of their voice and everything’s just part of the past. And i hope and i believe that one day, you’re going to be okay and you’re going to love someone who’s meant for you.

But for now, please be okay, someone out there cares for you (via girlbehindthisblog)

[ijustcantwoee]

I miss you

[girlbehindthisblog-deactivated2]

When the pain is real. When you can feel the pain in your veins as they keep you awake every night. When you can’t breathe as you can feel your rib cage slowly breaking. What will you do when words are no longer enough to describe the pain? When you can’t transform your tears as ink to write the most painful word you’re feeling. When you can’t find even a single word and transform them and let everyone know how it feels to feel this way. When you stopped using metaphors cause they’re no longer enough to let someone feel every emotion. How will you tell someone how badly you’re hurt when you can’t explain it because it’s too much, because the pain is already unbearable?

(via girlbehindthisblog)

[girlbehindthisblog-deactivated2]

I know i’m over you. I know that i’m already okay. But there are times that i’ll smell your favorite perfume and you’ll cross my mind. Sometimes I still feel your hands on my hand and i still see your face in a crowd. There are times that i’ll think of you and i can’t help to wonder what you are doing. You probably don’t know me by now and you don’t want to hear anything from me or maybe you know me but you just don’t care. I know things between us didn’t work out the way we expect them to be. Everything seems to be tainted by black and white and how everything slowly fade away. But I don’t regret any of the time spent with you. Those were one of the things i’ll never forget. But i’m okay now and i’m happy and i wish the same to you. But i have to admit that sometimes, even though I’m over it, it still hurts. And i guess that’s what it reminds me of you. Those moments when I’ve cried my eyes out every night, how my thoughts keeps me awake. These are the things that always reminds me of you and how it still hurts. Those moments I wished I’ve died because of you.

(via girlbehindthisblog)

[supposedtobe]

“Why does it hurt so much?” she gasps and clutches at the blanket in her grasp like it’s her lifeline.   He sighs and tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, “Heartbreak is so many things love.” “Sometimes heartbreak is watching someone you love fall apart, knowing you can’t put the pieces of them back together. Sometimes it’s watching them slowly, but surely, falling out of love with you. Occasionally it looks like your tired eyes when you stay up until 3am waiting for a message that you know is never going to arrive and other times it’s learning to live alone. Heartbreak is saying goodbye, even though you know those might be the last words you’ll ever share. It’s realising that the person you fell in love with doesn’t exist anymore, it’s beginning to doubt they ever really did.” “Heartbreak,” he falters. The crack in his voice is clear now, “Heartbreak is watching them watch someone else. It’s realising that that’s the way they used to watch you. It’s understanding that you’re going to be cold for the rest of your life because no number of blankets can fix the chill that took hold of your heart when they left.” “I guess,” he takes a deep breath, “what I’m trying to tell you is that heartbreak is a lot of things but what it always, always is, is fucking painful.”

Writers tend to romanticise heartbreak but, believe me, there’s nothing romantic about  heart in so much pain it refuses to function properly, 26/10/2015

#17

(via afadingdancer)

[ijustcantwoee]

Ikaw.

Ikaw na lang. Ikaw na lang yung naiisip ko. Hayaan mo akong isipin ka hanggang sa mapagod ako, kung mapapagod ako. Hayaan mo akong maalala lahat simula nung January 2013 kung saan mas nakilala kita..hanggang sa unti unti nawawala ka. Kung meron akong pangalawang pagkakataon na hihilingin.. Siguro yun yung bumalik sa oras na yun kasi para maramdam ko ulit lahat. Para mas nalasap ko ulit lahat ng bagay na nagpapagaan ng loob ko sa loob ng dalawang taon. Hindi ko alam kung anong ilalagay ko sa blog post na to. Nakita ko kasi yung picture mo 4 years ago. Ang taba mo don. Ang bata mo. Ilang taon tayong nagdadaan daan lang. Hindi ko din akalain. Patawarin mo ako sa araw araw kitang iniisip. Lagi kitang hinahanap. Kung hindi ka man makatulog baka iniisip kita. Baka napapanaginipan kita. Patawarin mo ko sa hindi ko pagbura ng nga mensahe mo, mga pictures mo, mga notes mo. Patawarin mo ako kung ganito ako kaclingy sa iyo noon. Patawarin mo ako kasi ikaw yung naging mundo ko, tayo yung naging mundo ko. Patawarin mo ako sa hindi ko masyadong minahal yung sarili ko at kung ano yung meron pa ako bukod sa'yo. Tinuruan mo ako kumain ng kung ano ano, magsulat ng ganito, gumawa ng handwritten letters, gumawa ng mga bagay na di ko aakalain magagawa ko. Tinuruan mo ako umiyak ng tahimik, magmahal, manahimik at maging natural sa pagpapatawa. Pero hindi mo naturo sakin paano pag nawala ka na. Pag ikaw na yung kusang lilisan. Araw araw para akong namamatay. Hanggang sa naiisip kong dapat ko pang mahalin kung anong meron ako. Kung ano ako. Mas nagiging matapang ako. Mas magiging matapang. Kahit anong ibatong lungkot at saya magiging handa dapat. Nung nakita ko yung picture mo.. Bumalik lahat lahat. Yung ngiti mo, yakap mo, yung mga salita mo. At unti unti akong namamatay kasi alam kong hindi ko na ata maririnig yun. Baka marinig ko pa pero sa malayo na. Good night.

[ijustcantwoee]

I MISS YOU SO MUCH. SO MUCCCCCHHHHHHHHHH. :''''((((((((

[ijustcantwoee]

It's nights like thisssss

Hello! Kamusta ka na?

Balita?

Kamusta yung araw araw mo? Ako eto, ok pa naman. Hindi ako pumasa. Sorry sa lahat ng nadisappoint ko. Salamat sa lahat ng nagdasal for me. Sorry if di talaga umabot. Malungkot. Pero sanay naman na akong maging malungkot. Sa dami ba naman nung nangyari siguro ganun talaga.

Hindi ko alam san magsisimula. Nagpapahinga, humihinga, nagpapa-hinga pa ako. Siguro isa sa mga araw na to, umalis nadin ako. Para gumalaw. Kumilos. Ang puti ko na nga eh, hindi kasi ako naglalalabas. Dito lang nagbabasa ng ano ano. Nanonood. Nagaabang. Nag-a-a-bang.

Mageexam ako? Siguro oo. Mageexam ako uli. Syempre hindi naman ganun ganun lang yun. Kaya pa naman. Kaya pa. Kaya padin. Di naman ako namatay para hindi ulit itry. Possible pa naman ako makapag-register. Pwede pa ulit magtake.

Siguro kinulang talaga. Kulang talaga. Or pwede din sabihin na, hindi mo ginalingan. Or ano pa ba? Hindi magaling pagkakasagot? Hindi ko inalala mga dapat at importante lang. Ano pa ba? Pwede din hindi ka magaling dun sa mga tanong na yun. Or hindi mo nabasa. Or ano pa ba pwede?

Basta alam ko hindi pa ako sumusuko sa kahit ano. Nagpapahinga lang ako. Puro pahinga ano? Puro pahinga ng utak ng pagiisip. Hindi naman physically, siguro. Ayaw ko na umiyak araw araw pag naiisip ko LAHAT LAHAT. Masikip sa dibdin at lalamunan pigilin umiyak, magmukmok. Pwede naman daw? Wag lang araw araw?

Masarap ilabas yung lungkot, yung hugot yung pagsisisi yung iiiyak mo lang. Baka magsawa naman ako? Masarap umiyak kasi masarap tumawa pag nakakabawi. Nakakatakot lang minsan kasi feeling mo katapusan na pero madaling araw lang naman at pasikat pa lang yung araw.

Nasaan na nga ba yung nagsabi ng " Wala ka naman aasahan kundi sarili mo lang."?

Naalala ko pa yan? Oo naman. Nasan na nga ba yun? Yung ok lang kahit wala lang. Yung kayang kaya ko lang kahit sino. Wala kang kinakatakutang mawala. Kahit ikaw lang sa mall, sa resto, sa bahay, sa mga lakad lakad.

Kaya pa naman. Kaya pa syempre. Kahit ilanv beses pa umikot yung mundo. Kakayanin pa naman. Buhay pa naman ako para gumalaw para sa araw araw ehhhhhh.

[ijustcantwoee]

I miss youuuuuu, hey.

[dimaquotes]

[ijustcantwoee]

10/14/15

Kamusta? Sobrang tagal na natin di nagkikita, as in. Nakakamusta na lang kita sa malayo. Hindi ko alam if malalaman or mababasa mo pa to. Syempre. Minsan gusto na lang kita puntahan, pero di ko alam if sasama ka pa sakin. Syempre. Yung makita lang kita. Kahit alam ko hindi mo na rin naman ako gusto pa makita. Siguro hindi ngayon. Hindi ko alam. Araw araw pa din kitang naiisip. Walang araw na hindi ko naiisip, ano na kaya. Kamusta ka na kaya. Sobrang nakaka-miss, hindi yung miss na wala lang, yung miss na, ikaw mismo, bilang Erika. Hindi yung miss na nasanay lang na may kausap, pero yung tipong ikaw yung mismong kausap. Na kahit anong nangyayare, ikaw mismo yung napagssharean. Kasi madali lang naman yun eh, yung may kasuapin, may mapagkwentuhan, yung may simpleng kausap. Pero yung mismong reaction ng Erika. Yung comments mo, simpleng pagtawa, simpleng pang-aasar Siguro lagi ko na lang yung mamimiss. Sorry kasi minsan nahihiya na ako makipag-usap sayo. Syempre, alamo naman yan. Kahit gustong gusto kita imessage, iupdate, maupdate siguro hanggang tingin na lang ako. Araw araw kong fnfeed yung utak ko na ganun na lang, yung hanggang matapos yung araw, tapos parang ang bilis na lang nung time, mabilis pero parang ang tagal. Yung hindi ko mawari ano pa ba pwede ko gawin, tapos maaalala kita. Ittext kita pero madalang na lang. Kahit gustong gusto ko sabihin, “tara, alis tayo”. Sorry. :(

[iammockingjrel]

Maybe it’s the thought that frightens me. The realization that I am a sole entity wandering everyday. No someone to call in the middle of night when I couldn’t sleep and I need that single voice of peacefulness that could calm my self. No someone to hold on to when things get rough and all I needed was a pillar of strength. I am afraid. I am a puzzled why until right this moment, i am alone.

I am perfectly fine. It’s just there are few things that linger on my mind and maybe these aren’t questions that needed to be answered. I don’t know why I am feeling this again right now. I just can’t shake the thought off my mind.

If I could wish for something right now and will immediate be granted that thing, I would wish to have you. I would always wish for you.

Come home.