Lying as a trauma driven behavior..
Lying is actually a completely normal human behavior. Think about it- when was the last time you lied? Be honest with yourself (ha, I chuckled at the irony). It probably wasn’t that long again.
There are all sorts of reasons floating into your mind I’m sure- but they all land somewhere near the truth that we only lie because we are afraid of what will happen if we don’t. We only lie because it doesn’t feel safe to tell the truth. And when I say safe, I’m don’t necessarily mean physically safe. It could be relationally safe.
Sometimes lying happens because we cannot tolerate the idea of what could happen to the relationship, even if it’s just for a moment, if we told the truth.
Sometimes lying happens because we cannot tolerate the idea of what could happen inside us (shame, dysregulation, etc.) if we told the truth.
There really are quite a lot of explanations for lying but ultimately it almost always comes down to it’s not safe to tell the truth.
It comes from having a traumatic childhood…
As children, we are routinely punished for telling the truth. For example, if a child sees something that could make adults uncomfortable, they are encouraged not to say anything. Sometimes they are even actively punished or rejected or ignored for it.
Many caregivers sacrifice a childs authenticity for the comfort of adults.
Not only is telling the truth often disallowed, sometimes the child is held to contradictory standards. In some situations they are always expected to tell the truth but in others they are strongly discouraged from doing so.
For example, the child is expected to tell the truth about where they are going, what they are doing, and similar personal things. Here, truth and honesty are good. Yet in many families, if the child sees that, for example, the father is drinking again or that the mother is hysterically crying or that the parents are fighting, they are expected not to talk about it.
In friendships/ romantic relationships, please give your friend/ partner a safe space to express how they truly feel without being judged or have the fear of consequences.. or else you’re going to wonder why they constantly lie to you where all you do is judge them or constantly misunderstand them or make them feel unheard