Stillness
Note: Wrote something xx. Hope you don't relate.
Trigger Warning: This poem contains themes of emotional abuse, identity erasure, gaslighting, self-blame, and implied suicidal ideation. Please take care while reading.
I stare at the still lake.
The story goes,
A woman in white walks to the middle of the lake
and lies down on the water.
She went under
and never came back.
told me I was everything
You held me,
that I was the first.
But the snide remarks,
commentary on my choices,
You said you love every part of me
on my boundaries was never just a jest.
and yet, you dissect me
and pick which part to adorn and which to toss.
My body lay in heaps, in pieces
but you just crossed the threshold,
Life wasn't fair to you.
locked the door and never looked back.
Times change,
it is easier for me, you said.
I'm too young to know the cards you were dealt
But I chose you, repeatedly.
Every day with you was aging me,
bringing me closer to your age.
My soul weary, but my face remained the same.
The ringing in my ears never left from the moment you said,
A beautiful young woman, a sight for sore eyes, they say.
you were ashamed.
You were disappointed because of me.
I'm the cause of pain.
The cause of your pain.
I ran to the lake.
Am I allowed to feel mine?
The lady in white hummed a tune.
A splash
and my feet were in the water.
I tried to go to her, but you gripped my waist and pulled me away.
You said I'm not the same,
that I'm a stranger that you do not recognize.
That this is not who you made me to be.
So, you took my clothes off,
ran your hands across my body to find traces of the girl you knew.
Every inch, every curve was seized
I laid there, my eyes gazing upon the night sky, unseeing.
Unfeeling.
And when you were finished?
You left me there,
I'm cold after that.
shivering in the night.
I refused your embrace,
your touch.
I say, you're the cause but you showed me the mirror
and said I did this to myself.
Conversations were meant to soothe
That I deserved this.
but it was always a trap.
You tell me to say how I feel
but it was never to understand,
only to find fault
You made me feel like I was going mad.
and turn the blame on me.
I thought I was overreacting.
I knew I was the problem.
I pushed it all down and put a smile on my face to soothe you,
to tell you I'm not leaving.
I will behave.
You will always have me.
I sat by the lake.
But I was always happier when you are away.
The lady in white stared at me.
She said nothing but her piercing gaze told me she knew,
she understood.
It took me a long time to be able sit with my emotions,
It was easy,
And to listen to my own advice when I told my friends, "How you feel matters"
for you to love someone.
I saw it all happen from the window.
You sat with her by the lake,
held her hand and swam with her to the ends of it.
I heard her laugh,
Funny, isn't it?
Your soft voice that I was certain only ever existed in dreams, calling her name.
Now she appears in my dreams,
Chasing me with your hands in hers.
Was it just me, then?
Your laughs echoing the beat of my heart.
Am I so hard to love?
You won't even look at me.
It's pathetic, really.
I'm picking up scraps from what you so willingly toss to others.
I hoard them all, like a siren hoarding her treasure
only I was on my knees, bleeding
bones protruding, wearing clothes larger than I am
Then came the disrespect, as if there was any respect left.
A sight for sore eyes, indeed.
But I can't run
I don't have a name to cling to
I don't have a place to call home
I don't have people to call my own
I did everything to please you.
You were my name, my home, my people
But it was never enough for you.
You needed to control me
To consume me
I should feel lucky someone cares, they said.
But a gilded cage is still a cage
and even though you put me there,
I was the one who refused to leave when you left it unlocked
Everybody watched me change
How can I blame anyone but myself?
I'm less obedient,
less accommodating.
Whispers of me being ungrateful reached my ears.
You looked at me and I stilled
Fixed myself.
Smiled for the people,
and gave you my hand
You gripped mine till it turned blue and showed me off to your people
Prided yourself on what I can endure,
boasted to everyone that I can take what you give me
and that I will.
You never hit me and yet the pain feels the same.
I watched myself being erased
and I watched everyone celebrating it
with a glass on their hands, smile on their faces
So, I went to the lake.
while the gloves remain on mine.
The lady in white beckoned me to her,
Her hands outstretched, like a mother's embrace
I reached for her hand,
Soft compared to yours,
and walked to the middle of the lake with her
A boat.
and stayed there while you were clinking glasses and exchanging glances.
You took a boat to find me,
Still refusing to set foot in the water.
Your warmth was all I needed
but you threw a blanket at me
I set boundaries, a selfish act you say.
and told me to wrap myself up.
How can I erase the version of me you've created in your mind?
You created a monster
and I hate to point the finger
but have you ever thought that maybe,
Surface level, like the still lake
It was because of you?
is the only picture you're willing to paint of me.
I asked you to dip your feet in the water
and meet me halfway
but you're a coward.
Afraid to see your face reflected on the water
Afraid to see me
If I leave,
The one you created.
The shame is only mine to carry
Not yours, never yours
My name forever tarnished
So, I lay still in the lake
Yours celebrated
And wait
But I'm being pulled under
and maybe,
this time,
I don't fight to stay afloat.
