—JOHAN X NORTH · FOUREVER YOU · Episode 6
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@instantlyforsakengauntlet
—JOHAN X NORTH · FOUREVER YOU · Episode 6
I'm pretty sure I'm going to like the Four-Faced Buddha Audio Drama more than To My Shore
So it's no secret that when it comes to Danmei I highly prefer reading novels and listening to audio dramas than watching live action films and shows. So I'm always going to be a bit biased.
While I am immensely enjoying To My Shore, from the few small clips that I've listened to, I feel like I will enjoy the audio drama's take on You Shulang and Fan Xiao more.
In the audio drama, which is on Manbo, Fan Xiao is more emotionally expressive while You Shulang is more reserved. This makes a subtle difference in their dynamic. Even while You Shulang is breaking, there's almost a quiet dignity about it. That level of control over his psyche and emotions is almost superhuman given what he's been subjected to. No wonder Fan Xiao worships him. Meanwhile, while you will probably still be disgusted by Fan Xiao's actions, you can at least feel his desperation, and his despair is at least somewhat more understandable when faced with the emotional rock that is You Shulang.
Another thing is I've always enjoyed Chinese voice acting performances than live action. The control they have on their emotions, down to breath control, makes for a much richer, more subtle emotional experience.
God damn, there's so many things going on in this one clip in terms of voice acting and post-production. The sound of bells and the Buddhist chanting when Fan Xiao starts imploring to Buddha that he doesn't want to go to hell are so ominous and haunting. Also I can somewhat understand the trauma of his mother's death better without the awkward child acting.
That's not to say that I think the show is bad. It also does some really interesting things with its direction and shot composition that fan editors are probably making the most out of. And I also do enjoy the direction the main actors have taken with the characters.
Fan Xiao continues to be normal about You Shulang
TO MY SHORE (2025) EPISODE 10
TO MY SHORE (2025) EPISODE 7 // EPISODE 10
"I'll wear it all the time"- He meant it.
Fan Xiao trying to get Shulang back but in all the wrong ways ;-;
— To My Shore 吾岸 (2025) | EP. 10
Seems Fan Xiao was supposed to be way more aggressive and forceful with Shulang than we were shown in the drama, but they clearly decided to tone it down (?)
TO MY SHORE NOVEL SPOILER AHEAD‼️
I'm genuinely so in love with Fan Xiao and You Shulang's dynamic. I've never read any couple like this before. But right now I want to talk just a little bit about Fan Xiao's character and how he has surprised me.
He's such a loser. I love him. He makes my heart ache.
How I would like you, Night! without those stars Whose light speaks a language I know! For I seek emptiness, darkness, and nudity! -- C. Baudelaire
His expression flicked so fast and he truly struggled to hide his joy and excitement when learning about Shulang's recent breakup. He is so twisted and yet I can't wait for more from them.
This edit triggers that familiar addictive clenching in my gut😓
Obsession..
It is truly such a fascinating thing to me. I don't understand why.
More Four-Faced Buddha (ch 19/ep3 of 吾岸/TMS)
I simply loved Chapter 19 so much! Instead of screencapping giant walls of text I'm just going to share excerpts directly, but these are all from Chrysanthemum Garden's translation, which you can find here.
It would probably be faster to just read the chapter than read my absurd summary + discussion of it, and this post is mostly all me revisiting the joy and wonder of episode 3. But if you are still here with me, let's set the scene!
Fan Xiao is hanging with Lu Zhen in the park, counting down the minutes to when You Shulang will appear and he can "end this game" by forcing a confrontation between all of them.
He does a little villain monologue to Lu Zhen, speculating about how somebody who always presents himself as flawless on the outside will react when he has his "unspeakable secret" (queerness.) exposed in public. Lu Zhen is like I guess he'd fly into a humiliated rage?? and Fan Xiao is like no I think he'll just swallow everything down with a smile :)
Which, lots to say, but I bring all this up for the confirmation that, after Fan Xiao learned that Shulang's girlfriend was a boyfriend, his goal went from trying to fuck the perfect man's girlfriend to trying to make the perfect man think he was fucking his boyfriend so the perfect man will fall apart, gayly, in public. Except he knows he won't fall apart, so he just wants to see him not fall apart over the thing he should fall apart over. Which as plans goes is just so lmao????
I think we're at the stage where Fan Xiao's recognition of self in Shulang's ability to suppress his misery is driving him, like he just wants to see confirmation that there's someone else "fake as hell" like him out there, but it's conflated with how much he wants to fuck this guy and have him to himself, so the way he goes about it is let me break up your relationship for no reason and publicly out you. Incredible stuff.
ANYWAY I'll try to stay on topic. They're in the park and Fan Xiao is gearing up for the forced confrontation with Lu Zhen and You Shulang, when he puts his hand in his pocket and feels the face cream You Shulang bought for him.
It was as though some hidden switch had been flipped, and a flood of untimely thoughts came pouring out in an unrestrained rush... The lingering warmth of a man's fingertips against his own skin. The quiet intensity in his eyes while comparing face creams at the mall. The faint smile tugging at his lips when he had lightly chided him to "shut up." [...] Would all of these, after today, vanish from his life forever? You Shulang would draw a clear line between them, drifting further and further away. The fingers that held the cigarette stilled, and the smile on Fan Xiao's lips gradually faded. So what of it? A flash of defiance burned in him. At most, it only meant that man would retreat once more to the initial courteous reserve - no longer indulging his reckless nonsense, no longer rummaging casually through his pockets for cigarettes, no longer letting him sling an arm around his shoulders under the excuse of brotherhood. Nothing more than that. Fan Xiao drew in two deep drags of smoke, repeating the words "nothing more than that" over and over in his heart.
As Shulang's car gets closer and closer he freaks out more and more, as you do, until he chickens out of his stupid scheme and sends Lu Zhen away seconds before You Shulang shows up.
You love to see it.
So yeah now they're on their little park date. You Shulang isn't paying enough attention to Fan Xiao, he's looking around at everybody else having a good time and smiling. Fan Xiao is like you feel happy just seeing other people's happiness? Man aren't you compassionate.
[You Shulang] turned his eyes back to the passing tourists. "I'm not that noble, but I can still be infected by the simple joy of the people around me. Aren't you the same?" "The people around you?" Fan Xiao stepped closer, pressing into You Shulang's space: "I should be the one beside you. So tell me, do you think I'm feeling simple joy right now?"
Shulang is like I can't tell you whether you're feeling joy or not but nothing you feel is simple or innocent! FX has an internal moment of OH NO HE SEES ME!!! but calms himself down by throwing an arm over Shulang's shoulder and enjoying how he tenses up. Then he notices from up close how Shulang's ears are flushing from their proximity.
Kind of cute. Fan Xiao, like a 3-year-old who had stumbled upon a new toy, rubbed and pressed against him all along the covered walkway, until You Shulang truly could no longer keep up the pretense of being a straight man. With forced sternness, he pried Fan Xiao's arm away. "It's hot. Stay away." Being pushed aside didn't annoy Fan Xiao in the least. Watching You Shulang, who avoided his gaze, he finally felt a taste of that simple joy.
What can I even say but 🥲🥲🥲🥲
And then the last scene where Fan Xiao feeds You Shulang Lu Zhen's food hoping he'll recognize the taste <3 I basically just wanted to excerpt the whole thing because <3 god
The sushi roll was brought to You Shulang's lips, but the man turned his head aside. "I'll do it myself." "What's with the formality?" Fan Xiao pressed on with a bit of stubbornness. The food in his hand once again brushed against You Shulang's lips: "You even helped me apply face cream. How could I not serve Director You in return?" You Shulang furrowed his brows, realizing it was impossible to explain things clearly to Fan Xiao. He could only part his lips, evade the man's fingers, and cautiously swallow the sushi. [...] His words came cold: "Cut the damn clinginess. Don't let there be a next time." Fan Xiao thought even the way You Shulang cursed had a certain lilt to it -- annoyingly pleasant to the ear, making his heart itch and driving him crazy with the urge to sink his teeth into his skin and bite him hard. Bite! Him! Hard!? The moment that "wicked thought" crossed his mind, Fan Xiao froze. Bite him? What kind of deranged idea was that? Fuck--his skin crawled in disgust, and he clenched his teeth hard as he forced out, "Does it taste good?" How could he, as his lover, not recognize Lu Zhen's cooking? Fan Xiao waited for You Shulang's look of surprise and confusion, his prepared explanation ready to tumble out at any moment. However, that twisted craving of his went unfulfilled. You Shulang only gave a flat, indifferent reply: "Not bad. Did you make it? Or buy it?" This time, it was Fan Xiao who found himself caught off guard. He fell into a brief silence, then asked with deliberate nonchalance: "How does it compare to your girlfriend's cooking?" You Shulang bent his arm over his eyes with a sigh: "Fan Xiao, you should get yourself a girlfriend. It's better than always taking an interest in someone else's partner." Helpless, he resigned himself and replied: "My partner rarely cooks. It's usually me who makes the food for him." "You cook for him?" Fan Xiao's voice shot up in pitch. Fuck! For no reason at all, fury flared in him. He hurled the sushi back into the food bag. Clapping his palms together as if to rid himself of filth, Fan Xiao spat harshly: "Tastes like fucking shit!"
🥲
Fan Xiao talking about the view but turning to look intently at You Shulang as he says "it's beautiful"
...
And You Shulang must have known it was him Fan Xiao was referring to. He must have heard the slight change in his tone, felt the air shift with an unexplainable tension... because he turned around and looked into Fan Xiao's eyes before putting distance between the two of them.
Laying his "intentions" bare through those intense eyes and that shameless body language. Fan Xiao is really set on winning this game.
I really hate that they didn't include the scene at the restaurant where Fan Xiao hides himself and You Shulang in the bathroom stall because his colleague was searching for him as it's been a while since he left his post. He put his hand over You Shulang's mouth to shush him so they wouldn't be discovered and after that all he thought about was the feeling of You Shulang's lips in his palm and how he wanted to give it a kiss lol
He got his revenge on that classist ªsshole male customer who humiliated him. It didn't take him long to find out the man's information and make his wife discover his affair (he was at the restaurant with his mistress)
When the wife arrived and chaos ensued, Fan Xiao was standing off in a corner by himself giving his own palm a deep kiss😂
That scene was so hilarious to read, I wanted to see how it would play out on screen. Fan Xiao really is crazy, he can never change. As someone said, all that darkness he is and all that madness and intense obsession which he holds for You Shulang is still there within him. It never left, it is all a part of him and always will be; the only difference is that he's able to rein it all in now, somewhat.
He never really changed, he just turned himself into the man he thinks You Shulang wants him to be. He doesn't want Shulang to hate him or be afraid of him anymore.
Ok late message but just wrapped up ep 10.
Man if episode 8 was unravelling, and episode 9 was trying to pretend the relationship never happened, episode 10 is just YSL being SO past the point of being able to care or process emotions. I genuinely thought he'd have a breakdown when he saw the cameras. But no, he forces FX to reveal his hand by calling for an escort.
Even when he is at his lowest point, he doesn't let go of his rational side. I love YSL as a character.
And I'm really seeing the parallels to gothic romances where more than individual humans, YSL and FX embody good and evil. But the draw here, what really twists the knife is that they are human!! They are SO Human and so broken and damaged and where YSL tries to soften his sharp edges or hide them away from others to reduce the risk of cutting them with it. FX greets people jagged edge first, a leather glove hiding the rusting and broken razor blade within it.
The brother was just very very irritating and so freaking entitled it's unbelievable. You cannot blame YSL for finally reaching his limit when he had the epiphany that he would never be able to satisfy his brother's greed. But also, he bore so much of that verbal abuse just out of respect to his adopted mother, only to have it thrown back at him.
It was interesting that FX was also low key annoyed at the brother for this stunt, and then quite ready to push him off the ledge himself.
The move with Bai Ting was brutal, and truly how is FX doing the EXACT WRONG ACTION every time??? The teaser for the next episode was brutal too. Looks like YSL has essentially given up on his life, almost accepted that he's been trapped and cornered, and he's just going to suffer through it.
Hmmm it was another lull episode for me. Its still the tension being diffused after ep 8.
P. S. - the scene where FX accuses YSL of not being able to top anymore reeked of internalized homophobia and was one of the worser ways in which FX has assaulted YSL I think.
where YSL tries to soften his sharp edges or hide them away from others to reduce the risk of cutting them with it. FX greets people jagged edge first
YESSSS! I think FX actually does hide his jagged edges to some extent on first impressions but is just so ready to whip them out and act like that's the whole of his personality. Until because of his behavior he makes it true: he is All Bad. Bai Ting as the final line he knows he shouldn't cross but does anyway and the threat that finally breaks YSL is just </3
I honestly love the miserable relationship between You Shulang and Zhang Chen and the vibe that You Shulang would have genuinely supported him FOR EVER until he finds out he's been poisoned by his trash father. Like if it was still the two of them and their mother against the world, You Shulang would have stayed in that role forever, but the betrayal of Zhang Chen actually letting his father back into his life and way of thinking is a betrayal/corruption he can't come back from. I've started the novel now and I'm definitely going to keep my eyes peeled for information on the dad because the fact that You Shulang is that all-or-nothing "You chose that guy? There's no hope for you." about him says SO MUCH. I'm assuming he hurt their mother like a lot a lot a lot.
Anyway yeah Zhang Chen is annoying and exploitative of You Shulang's patience and money and sense of obligatory love and kindness and just like... if FX fumbling YSL was hard to watch, his little brother pushing away and blaming a family member who loves him so much and stood by him is next level character fucking himself over. I imagine there's a post-canon future where Zhang Chen regrets this every day for the rest of his life but it's too late :)
It was so funny that Fan Xiao and Shi Lihua were even like wow that guy sucks about Zhang Chen though seriously ahaha
And okay so for me, the thing with the scene where Fan Xiao twists the knife about You Shulang's sexual preferences is that it's less about Fan Xiao's attitudes about queerness/masculinity/sex and more about You Shulang's - maybe that's what you were saying, but either way I'm with you on that it was one of the most devastating scenes in the entire show for me. Where the assault is that Fan Xiao has been watching You Shulang through the cameras, and despite You Shulang's incredibly skillful attempt to assert his agency by fucking someone on camera and then throwing in Fan Xiao's face that he now prefers topping (i.e. he's tooootally moved on from you, thanks bye), Fan Xiao has been nonconsensually watching him enough to know based on, implicitly, You Shulang's MASTURBATION habits, that that's a lie.
And Fan Xiao is trying to assert his claim on You Shulang and prove he hasn't moved on, that his body still prefers Fan Xiao, which to be clear is abusive and controlling, I just don't think the motivation on his end is to tap into You Shulang's issues but to establish ownership. (WHICH IS STILL VERY BAD, lmao, he just ends causing harm he wasn't looking to cause.) But for You Shulang the entire notion of being a less "respectable" gay man, a less straight-passing gay man, is tied up in that traumatic childhood flashback where he was told gay perversion makes him unlovable and unwantable by family/community/society. All the freaky feral sex we know they were having (based on for example the scratches all over Fan Xiao's back in episode 8 lol), where You Shulang was actually enjoying himself and finding satisfaction it's implied he never found with Lu Zhen, now exists in his mind as confirmation of his perverted deviancy which drove the bullies to target him and kill his mother.
Sob lol just, that flashback was simultaneously the most bombastic piece of character information they could have given me, like I am going to be obsessed with You Shulang for the rest of my life now, and so so so sooooooooooooooooooo SO hard to watch, omfg.
But basically yeah, I agree w/ you it's one of the worst things we see FX do! I don't think his goal was to emasculate YSL or trigger what he did, but his access to YSL's body and his access to the cameras and his access to his knowledge of their shared consensual experiences, the way he has betrayed his trust so completely and is using what Shulang gave him freely + nonconsensual continued surveillance to try to own him, which are all so evil and horrible on their own, tap into You Shulang's actual deepest issues and fears and traumas.
(I wrote a post at the time on my thoughts on internalized homophobia in the drama, if you want to read even moreeee of my yapping on this lol. This episode really set my brain on fire.)
Episode 11 was the hardest episode for me to watch by far, so please be prepared! There is a lot of onscreen sexual assault where Fan Xiao tries to initiate sex, You Shulang pulls away or rejects him, and Fan Xiao forces him. It's kind of symbolic of where their relationship is at at that point but I was still startled by how explicit it is and how many times it happens. The relationship is at its most controlling, isolating, and abusive, and You Shulang is at his most numb, broken, and dead inside. So yes I would say it's the most brutal episode of all of them by far.
Fan Xiao trying to get Shulang back but in all the wrong ways ;-;
— To My Shore 吾岸 (2025) | EP. 10
FAN XIAO ACTING CUTE AND PINCHING SHULANG'S SLEEVE WITH HIS FINGERS
Trying to test if he's kinda forgiven