figments of my imagination

just trying to make sense of things.

[lallycats]

How weird it is to be back at this blog. I used to come back to wish Marlee a happy birthday but she's 26 now and it's been a while since I wished her one on here.

I met and married the love of my life this year. A blog dedicated to a painful heartbreak and now I am spending my mornings with my husband who makes me coffee every morning. Who wakes me up with a kiss on the forehead and truly gives me everything I've ever wanted. The romance, the affection, the silliness, the dancing in the kitchen and swaying outside under the stars. He is everything I've ever wanted.

This morning I woke up to him jumping on me in the bed and smothering me with kisses so we could sit outside and enjoy the cool weather.

I remember yearning for love, praying to any god who would hear me that I would find a love like I have now.

I'm glad I could come back here to this blog years later to say that I have that love I wanted and I have it so deeply that everyday I wake up and thank all higher powers for him.

[lallycats]

Happy 23rd birthday to Marlee. Life has been so weird and difficult. Mom was sure we wouldn’t be able to celebrate but we did. I’m so thrilled it was a success.

Happy birthday to my best friend, thanks for cutting my hair and loving me despite how truly awful this year has been for me. You tried your hardest to keep me from crumbling in August and September and I’ll never forget that. Now during this pandemic, I’m thankful we get to be closer and able to support each other. I’ll love you forever. Thanks for being my best friend.

[lallycats]

Happy 22nd Birthday to Marlee, the reason this blog exists, the reason I keep coming back to this. 

[lallycats]

I feel that it’s important to write about the ending of my job with the kids on this blog because I started it while I was still on this blog. I’ve been at this job for 3.5 years (maybe a little longer) and yesterday, I submitted my letter of resignation and today is my last day at this school, at my job. Student teaching in the fall will leave no room for me to actually do this job and I had to quit. 

It’s strange. I genuinely love my job and I’m going to miss this kids more than anything and closing this chapter of my life is hard but I’m grateful and happy and ready for what comes next. Such a weird sensation.

[lallycats]

Dear Marlee,

you’re 21 now. what a crazy age. I can still remember the brutalness of childhood pushing us back and forth. Windswept, dirty, but always laughing. You were my best friend, you still are my best friend, and I hope that I’ll continue to be your best friend. Life isn’t turning out the way you wanted and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. This tumblr still exists for this one day. This one day that I can say happy birthday to my best sibling (my only sibling) and 21 is a big milestone. 

Life only gets harder and I think you realize that but I’m hoping that you know that I’ll always be there for you. To help, to confide, to love. I’m so proud of you, too. I’m so proud that you’re making your own life and working hard every single day. 

Happy Birthday to my baby sister. May things get better and my life get stronger. 

[lallycats]

Marlee,

it seems so fitting to come back to this blog for you. I missed last year but I posted it on my other forms of social media but I’m glad I have this private and hidden gem to boast about you. Oh, my sweet sister, you get on my nerves but I wouldn’t change you for the world and for that, I am so grateful for you. 

You’re turning 20, Marlee, 20! Holy shit. I truly can not believe how much we’ve changed, how great you’re becoming, how fucking awesome you’ve been about all the bad things that have been happening recently. There’s no one on this planet I love more than you. You are my best friend, my confidant, my favorite person, and I am so glad I have you on my side, I’m so glad you love me enough to physically fight someone in my defense. You’ve grown and changed so much in the past couple of years and I am so proud of you, I could scream. 

Marlee, holy fuck. You’re 20. 

I can not believe it. 

I love you so much

I’m so thankful for you.

Happy Birthday baby sister, 

[lallycats]

I kind of miss this blog. Stuff has happened this year that has really made me reflect on the person I was when I had this blog. I just got back from a road trip across Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, and I kept thinking about who I was at the beginning of college and I was so scared and unhappy and I mean, I’m not any better now but at least I recognize it. I see my anxieties and I see my fear and crucial aspects of myself. I graduate in 2 semesters and I cant wait to begin that chapter of my life. 

Life has changed so much in 2 years but I wouldn’t change who I was when I had this blog for the world, because that girl made me and that girl is who I am now. 

[lallycats]

I was watching this show the other day where the main character looks exactly like you and it made me miss you so much. I wish I could text you and talk to you but that would be inappropriate on so many different levels. We squandered so much potential and you let me ruin something amazing. I miss you, you can text me, I'll respond. I'll visit you, too.

[lallycats]

I never knew happiness like this existed.

[lallycats]

Bon Iver released new music tonight and I'm sitting here struck by the difference between when I first discovered them and now and as I lay in bed, dreaming of the cool morning walk, sipping coffee on my back porch, watching my plants bloom, I am overcome with happiness. My own house, my own plants, my own life, my own Bon Iver. Happy release day, my love, I'll see you in LA in a few weeks.

[lallycats]

I'll be home for a few hours this November. I'm so happy. I'm devastatingly sad I'll only be there for a measurable amount of time but at least I'll be there.

[lallycats]

I'm still logged into this account on my iPad which is just so funny. Life is fucking wild.

[lallycats]

Guess who I am seeing!? That's right. I'm seeing him in LA. I'm so happy. ☺️☺️☺️☺️☺️☺️☺️☺️☺️☺️☺️☺️ Life is awesome.

[lallycats]

Mmmmmk I literally hooked up with the hottest guy I've ever laid eyes on last night and I'm just wondering how I landed someone so fucking hot. Ugh, he even fucking sent me a good morning text. Also, his body was a fucking miracle of nature. I also got a 4.0 last semester and only have a year and a half left of school. I finish my school job and start nannying in 2 weeks. So that's my life lately.

[firewhisky]

Fantastic Beasts - Teaser trailer

[avocadobananas]

i literally teared up at the end when the theme started BYE

[lallycats]

I won’t be on this blog anymore, I guess I’ll check up on it from time to time but honestly this blog is a reminder of who I was when I wasn’t really happy. My life has completely changed and I love who I was during this time but it wasn’t a fun and great time. This blog is a huge memory vault and I’ll never delete it.  

[cerceos-deactivated20160308]

K M - Uryunuma Moor, Hokkaido, Japan, 2009