Landscaping Or Turtles? @landscapeturtle - Tumblr Blog

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rainy seasons fast approach, but i sleep through them

farmers gave me this nice little tree to keep me company! it says hi

#landscape #turtle #drawing #landscapeturtle #whoevenseesthese #areyouthere

me? gone? no sir-ee! got myself lost but these kind farmers were kind enough to help!

just for the small exchange of carrying their farm over the river. neat!

big rocks of runny puddles my adventure continues!

wonder where i dropped my castle though-

#art #turtle #doodles #landscape #almostforgotaboutthis #whoops

amberstarlights

Why do people listen to the advice of those wannabe ‘writers’. I mean they are not even published?

skeleskeeller

Excuse you? People can still give out valuable writing advice even if they are not published. Besides, not being published does not mean someone is a bad writer.

amberstarlights

Explain?

skeleskeeller

I assume by being “published” you mean through a publisher and not through self-publishing. Most publishers are for-profit. Meaning they want to make money. However, they don’t like taking chances and spend money on publishing a book that might not sell well. No matter how good of a writer you are, the chances of hearing “Sorry, there is no market for your book”, are extremely high unless you have something to show for it:

Followers on social media, success of your self-published book, email subscribers, website traffic, etc. Anything that shows the publisher that your book will sell increases your chances of being published dramatically. Many times, writers are approached by the publisher!

I have had this conversation with many of my writer friends, and some of them think this is unfair. What you often see is famous people writing a mediocre book and using their fame to have it become a best-seller. Except I don’t think it’s unfair. It’s business. As a writer, you are your own business. Many writers seem to forget this fact!

Let’s take Lang Leav as an example. You might have heard of her as she was dominating the poetry section on Tumblr in ‘13 and ‘14. She amassed many followers on Tumblr by sharing her poetry. She then self-published her book ‘Love & Misadventure” and promoted it on Tumblr.

“How did you get published?

I self-published my first book, Love & Misadventure. As soon as it was listed for sale, my book began to top best-seller charts and caught the attention of two literary agents in New York. I signed up with Writers House and was promptly offered a publishing deal by Andrews McMeel.” (source)

My honest opinion about her work is that it’s poetry for the masses and that she is not necessarily an astounding or great poet. However, her first book has 38,943 ratings on Goodreads (source)

Key to success? Posting her work online, good branding, nice poetry, building a loyal following.

Let’s take fifty shades for example. (YES)

E.L. James used to write twilight fanfiction. Many people loved her Twilight fanfiction so a publisher called The Writer’s Coffee House contacted her, they changed all the names in her work, and the rest is history.

I hope this explains it a little. Publishers mitigate the risk of their investment not being profitable by publishing books that have a high chance of being successful. There are many great, unpublished writers out there sharing valuable advice. Those people not being published has more to do with them not knowing how to increase their chances of being published, rather than being a bad writer.

skeleskeeller

Currently on a bus from Nice to Paris. It’s a 13 hour drive so I am going to dump a lot of information for people who want to sell a book right now or ten years from now. The sooner you start using this strategy, the more successful you will be.

First of all, if you have a lot of reach (audience), meaning that you have a few thousands of followers on social media, and a publisher contacts you, you always want to ask them if you can self-publish first! Always! If they refuse, you really want to think twice about signing their contract. Why? Because publishers are using your followers to sell your own book to. Self-publishing gives you around ~70% profits. Publishers often offer you a contract giving you 20%. Shady af. I don’t like that shit and I so often see small authors being used like that. Yes, publishers do help with editing etc., but depending on your reach, it’s up to you to decide if hiring an editor yourself isn’t a much better option. So, always SELL to your own fans first self-published if you can. THEN, if the publisher thinks your book has potential beyond your followers, work with them and sign the contract. Don’t let them profit off your fanbase and then leave you hanging.

If you are going to write a book, you need to talk about it! A lot. At least 6 months in advance. Preferably two years. You need to build up some anticipation among your followers. You need people to be aware of it and WANT it. It’s like a book. You don’t just tell your readers the plot in 5 sentences and that’s the book. You need to build up the story. And then BOOM, Karen just turned page 170 and she doesn’t know what’s coming for her, but she’s gonna be shook and love it. Same with promoting your book. Nobody is gonna give a shit if you say: “oh hi, you didn’t know but I wrote a book. You can buy it here”. You gotta talk about it long before you publish it.

Chances are, you don’t have a following at all. In this day and age, social media is all the hype. There is this misconception that you need millions of followers to make a living online. Not true. Let me introduce you to 1,000 True Fans, an article written by Kevin Kelly in 2008. Read it. It’s eye-opening and practical!

“A creator, such as an artist, musician, photographer, craftsperson, performer, animator, designer, videomaker, or author – in other words, anyone producing works of art – needs to acquire only 1,000 True Fans to make a living.”

How to get 1000 fans as a writer (also works for artists)

Your main focus should be on creating content and growing your reach (audience). Focus on building an email list and a simple website. Why an email list? For the same reasons everyone else always asks for your email when you sign up for something: so they can reach you.

Many content creators struggle with two things: algorithms and platforms dying. Instagram’s algorithm makes it so that if someone doesn’t hit ‘like’ on your content for a while, your content gets pushed all the way to the bottom of their feed. Why? Because IG wants you to stay on their app as long as possible and thus shows people the content they interact with the most first. The second reason is, at some point people are not going to use their Myspace, Tumblr, Wattpad, or Instagram account anymore. Someone might have a million followers on Myspace, but right now, if they update their profile, maybe a thousand people will see it if they are lucky. So, how do you keep reaching the people who followed you in the first place? EMAIL.

Email is fantastic for two reasons:

There are no algorithms. People see your email based on the time you sent it.

People do not change their email as much as they do social media.

So, if you ever shoutout your book or art store, you are guaranteed that everyone on your email list sees it.

I recommend MailChimp for sending batch emails. It’s free for up to 1,200 email subscribers, and that’s plenty for small businesses.

But how do you get people to sign up for your email list? Well, there are a million ways to that, but first, we need our website and we need to actually reach people!

Let’s first focus on reaching people

Create a social media account on each platform that makes sense to you. Opt for the same username everywhere to strengthen your brand. Then post your content to each and every single one of these platforms, but add in a call to action. Write a personal caption on Instagram, or write things in the tags on Tumblr. The best advice I can give to writers on Tumblr is to reblog writing prompts and write a story and include a ‘READ MORE’.

Many people don’t like to make the commitment to read something long without knowing what it’s about. A writing prompt is the perfect intro and increases the number of people reading your story.

By including a ‘read more’ people have to visit your Tumblr blog. Have a nice bio, and end your story with something personal and a call to action, this skyrockets the number of followers you will get.

Now the problem is: getting people to reblog your story. You could try DMing bigger blogs, but chances of them reblogging your story are slim. DM your followers instead and ask them to reblog your story if they want. If you don’t have followers, go through a tag of your choosing. Filter on ‘recent’ and DM those. You need to hustle a bit. It doesn’t matter if you wrote the story today or two years ago. If you think it’s good content, then you can self-promote it until it gains traction.

For Instagram: Never use popular tags. Avoid them like the plague. I would even go as far as to not use tags at all. But if you use them, only choose niche tags. Why? Bots. There are so many of them. You NEVER want bots following you on Instagram. Every time you post something new, your post gets ‘tested’ in batches of followers. 20% (this is not proven, but I feel pretty confident about this number) out of the first few people who see your post need to like it, or else Instagram stops pushing your content out to more people. Bots never like your posts. If your post fares well and stays above the 20% it gets pushed out to more people, and it will eventually land on the explore page. I don’t have much experience using tags, but if you use them, make sure bots do not target them.

Post your content everywhere. Writing on Wattpad. Art on DeviantArt etc., and always link to your website! All your socials must link to your website, this is key to build your email list.

Also, quick tip for IG, if you want to grow really fast, make sure your content is well received. Most of your post should have a like/follower rate of 20%. In the beginning, the increase in followers is barely noticeable. But once you have 1k followers, it snowballs! Furthermore, some Instagram pages, often businesses, have a terrible like/follower ratio. Less than 1% of their followers like their content. Why do they even bother with Instagram? Only a small portion of their followers see their content since so few people like it, and so it doesn’t get pushed to the feeds of the rest of their followers. Why do they bother? Email. Many businesses, big or small, use their Instagram account as a funnel to get email subscribers. Email is always more important to a business than followers for email lasts much longer and isn’t subject to algorithms, except the spam filter. However, if you are on Instagram as an artist or writer, strive for both: high engagement and collecting emails.

Now that you are having your email list, website, and your social media accounts are growing, it is time to promote your newsletter (email list) beyond the links to your website on social media. We are striving for 1k email subscribers. It’s not a lot. My advice is to message all your followers. Copy paste the same message asking them if they want to subscribe. Make it personal. I want to know who the artist or writer is. I always enjoy someone’s content more if I know the person behind it. I want to know who you are.

But, at this point, you might be wondering: why would people subscribe to my email list? What to send emails about in the first place? Think long and hard, put yourself in your follower’s shoes. If you asked me:

If you are a writer, I would love to have some bonus material send to my inbox.

Updates about your WIP.

An occasional blog post about your life.

Early bird discount on your book when it comes out.

If you are an artist:

I would love to know about the art process and what inspires you.

Read your blog and learn more about you.

Know when you are open for commissions again.

Get updates about your art store.

Obviously, not everyone is going to sign up for your email list. But try your best to make something special. The goal is to:

Build an email list. You will always reach those people. No algorithms or platforms dying (unless email dies, but not in the foreseeable future)

You can build a relationship with your email subscribers. This is important. By reading about your life, I will become more invested in your writing or art.

You are not selling the cheapest shoes or pens in the world. You sell art and books. Build a relationship with your audience!

I am against using extra incentives that have nothing to do with what you do to have people subscribe to your list. If you do giveaways, then make sure it’s something you sell yourself. Don’t give away a bunch of books you didn’t write or a laptop. You will get people signing up because they want the laptop, not because they are interested in you. Instead, as an artist, do a commission giveaway (people who want your art will sign up) or give a discount for your Esty shop etc., Writers: out of the people who sign up, one person can give you a prompt for a short story, for example. Or give away your book if you have already written one!

(By the way, I see some artists doing amazingly well with commissions on Tumblr already! My advice would be, if you want to keep doing this for a long time, go start your website and email asap. So that ‘if’ Tumblr dies, (at this point I am not sure if it’s even possible for this site to die) you can still reach your audience and keep doing commissions.)

Prioritize your website and email list over your Patreon

Patreon is great. As a creator I love it. However, when does someone become a Patron? For me: first, the rewards need to be good. But second, I need to care about you as a person. You can’t promote everything at the same time. It’s best to focus on one thing for a period of time. I suggest you first build up relationships with your email subscribers, so they get to know you better and give an f, then plug your Patreon.

Email subscribers are more likely to become Patrons compared to the rest of your audience because they already showed you they want to hear more from you by signing up to your newsletter/email list.

You get to collect VALUABLE email addresses first. Those are easier to obtain then having someone become a Patron. People need to pay to become a Patron, your newsletter is free.

This might look a bit counterproductive to some of you. After all, you want to go from A (content) to B ($$$) as fast as possible. But I highly recommend you implement this extra step if Patreon is one of your sources of income. You will end up with more Patrons.

Starting a website and collecting emails

You need a domain name. Preferably a .com. Name it after yourself or your brand/store. There are many ways to go about starting your website.

Here are three:

Bluehost: Bluehost uses WordPress. Take the cheapest package. You don’t need more than that yet. Might be difficult to set up for computer illiterate folks. Though GEN Y and Z should have no problems with it.

FastComet: Also uses WordPress. They claim to be the fastest. Might be hard to set up but it’s very cheap.

Wix: You probably have heard of this one. I suggest you choose the Combo package. It’s free to use, but you do want to upgrade in order to get rid of the blabla.wixsite.com at the end of your domain name. Also, do not buy straight away. They send you a ‘50% discount’ by email after you created a website within 2-14 days. Easiest to use in my opinion.

There are plenty of others out there, but these I have used and are reputable. Feel free to add your hosts to this post.

For email marketing automatization I recommend MailChimp. There are many options, but MailChimp is by far one of the most used and has therefore many one-click-install website integrations, making it is easy to set up. By the way, sending 2-4 emails a month to your list is more than enough.

Hope this helps some of you out. It’s simple but not easy. Also, give it time. You don’t get 1000 email subscribers overnight. The sooner you start the better. And, yeh, you have to put in some time and energy. In my opinion, it’s worth it. Spend 90% of your time creating, the other 10% doing the less fun stuff. If you want to increase your chances of success, being published etc, this is a good way to start. My advice would be: Don’t rely on being discovered or going viral. Rather, increase your chances of being discovered or going viral by strengthening your foundation for success.

Reading material

https://optinmonster.com/email-marketing-vs-social-media-performance-2016-2019-statistics/

https://www.lyfemarketing.com/blog/why-email-marketing/

https://kk.org/thetechnium/1000-true-fans/

https://www.theme-junkie.com/add-read-more-link-tumblr-post/

elizxa-beth

I just finished reading the first link of the reading material and what stood out is that email is seven times more likely to convert someone into a customer than social media! That’s insane! Thank you, dear person, for posting this. Going to make a website this weekend!

creshireneira

@elizxa-beth you really should! I think your art is amazing. A friend of mine from college does this. She has ~3k followers on Instagram and only ~400 email subcribers. She gets 90% of her comissions through email. About 12 a month! And that’s a lot since she charges anywhere from $75 to $200 for a comission. You could do the same! (:

elizxa-beth

I think I will! Thank you <3

elizxa-beth

So I created my own website with Wix today and here are some tips for anyone who wants to start a website using Wix:

1. Let Wix build a website for your first with ADI. Play around with it and publish your website. Then edit it again. Go to ‘site’ and select ‘Go to Wix editor.’ Now you have full control over how your website looks. 2. There is a small learning curve. It might be complicated in the very beginning but don’t give up. Get some snacks and work on your website. It’s actually fun. It took me around 3 hours to create mine.

3. Wix has a built-in email sign up form and email marketing tool called ‘Shoutout’. So you don’t need mailchimp. You can still connect mailchimp to Wix if you prefer.

4. Do wait with upgrading your website until they send you the 50% discount coupon to your email.

5. Signing up for Wix is free. If you upgrade you get a free domain as well!

moonxchaos

This is solid advice, but OP forgot to mention the two most important reasons as to why you should have your own website and create an email list. 1) a dot com domain without [.tumblr].com or [.blogger].com in front of it looks professional and conveys trust. 2) You own the website and email list. Tumblr and Instagram accounts are being deleted left and right without warning. Even some creators on Patreon have gotten there accounts banned for no reason at all other than staff messing around. No one can delete your website and email list. You have full ownership.

cyhyryth-deactivated20190524

PSA: you are allowed to reblog this super long post to help out artists and writers!

voidlessshadows-deactivated2022

This is some great advice

lumpbiscuit-deactivated20130327

my parents aren’t teaching me life lessons.

#i need some adults to TEACH ME SHIT ABOUT LIFE

flutterjedi-deactivated20140413

I’m an adult.

thatsnicebutimmarried

Some shit about life, from a bonafide adult:

even if you get along great with your family you will get along even better with them after moving out

generic is almost always just as good as name brand. But there are some things you never buy generic, including: peanut butter, ketchup, liquid NyQuil, Chips-Ahoy chewy chocolate chip cookies

just imagine the person on the other end of the phone hates talking on the phone as much as you do. Even a receptionist. I worked as one and I hate talking on the phone

at least once in your life you will go to Wal-mart to buy something under $20 like an ironing board or something and your debit card will get rejected. No one will judge. Everyone at some point in their lives has had $2.98 in their bank account.

thrift stores

everyone else is too busy panicking about everyone else noticing every tiny thing that could possibly be wrong about them to notice any tiny thing that could possibly be wrong about you

you will screw up. a lot. you live and you learn. and when you start to think too hard about that embarrassing thing that happened and how you wish you could change it, just tell yourself that what’s done is done. There’s no changing it, so just forget it and move on. It’s the only way to stay sane.

do the dishes before the sink grows its own ecosystem

you can’t put Dawn dishsoap in the dishwasher.

if you are the only one in the aisle at the grocery store, and you need to get from one end to the other without even looking at anything in that aisle, then you should totally cart-surf down the aisle. Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional. Hold on to the little things. They make all the difference.

never try to make cake from scratch at 3am. You end up with a topographical map of Middle Earth.

15% tip.

the best way to get money for food is to tell your grandparents about how you basically live on microwaved mac and cheese. Their horror may result in twenty bucks and orders to go out and get yourself “a real dinner”.

sometimes life sucks, and knowing that it might get better doesn’t always make it suck any less, but you’ll never get to the non-sucky days without enduring the suckiness.

no seriously, NEVER put Dawn in your dishwasher

250darkstars

Do not buy generic brand spaghetti sauce either.

Always check the type of light bulb that goes in lamps. A 60w is not interchangeable with a 40w.

Dollar store batteries work just as well as store brand.

shrineart

Reward yourself from time to time when you do things that you needed to get done. It’s a good way to remind yourself to do them. Going out to pay a bill? Get Starbucks or something you don’t get often. Rewards don’t have to be huge, they can be small things like that.

Rice, pasta, flour, sugar, cheese, eggs, milk, a pack of chicken, a pack of frozen veggies and a well stocked spice cabinet go a long way food-wise. Splurge and get the biggest container of rice you can. You don’t have to go back and buy it again anytime soon and it makes a TON of meals in the meantime.

Rice can be cooked on the stove. You don’t need a fancy rice cooker. Two parts water to every one part rice (two cups water for one cup of rice for example). Get your water boiling, add rice, put a plate or lid on it, put it on low for 20 minutes. It should be done.

Keep a calendar on your pc of bill due dates. If your bills are set up at inconvenient times, like all of the services started on the first or something, then call up the company and find out if you can get your billing date switched to something more manageable. A lot of places do try to work with you.

There is no shame in calling a company and asking for an extension on a bill. Let them know what you can pay, pay that amount, and they arrange when the rest of the payment is required. This can stop you from having services shut off man. It shows responsibility on your part.

Take time to eat, even when you don’t feel like eating. Your body needs energy to live.

Wash or rinse your dishes before putting them in the dishwasher. It prevents gross caked on junk.

“The Works” is an excellent cheap toilet cleaner.

MAGIC. FUCKING. ERASERS. THEY WORK ON EVERYTHING JUST DON’T SCRUB HARD. I took the ring out of our bathtub with one. Also generic ones work just as well.

Keep some bleach around but if you use it for cleaning? Dillute it. There’s rarely ever a case where you need to pout straight bleach on anything. A cap full or two in a bucket of water works just fine.

DO NOT MIX CLEANERS. Chemical reactions are can be very dangerous. Here’s a good list. (Note that vinegar and baking soda can actually be a good combo for removing smells from things but it’s not very good at actually -cleaning-.)

If you drink? Don’t take meds at the same time it’s just not good.

Make sure you check the dosages on your pill bottles. No one wants to accidentally overdose on cough syrup or ibuprofen.

If you have a uterus make sure you have a heating pad and ibuprofen on hand for the pain. Hot baths also generally help and Ginger Tea is excellent for any nausea.

Buy a first aid kit. It’s worth it in the long run.

You can often do your taxes online at places like TurboTax.

Here’s some good sex ed resources because I had to explain what a yeast infection was recently.

Petroleum jelly (aka Vaseline) is good for chapped lips and you can get a decent sized tube or tub of it (generic brand version) for cheaper/same price as Chapstick.

KEEP TRIPLE ANTIBIOTIC OINTMENT IN YOUR HOUSE FOR CUTS AND SCRAPES AND SORES.

~~Medications~~

Over the counter medications (stuff you can buy right off the shelf no prescription needed) have a name brand and a generic name. ALWAYS buy generic if it’s available it is literally the same thing and way cheaper usually.

Some names to remember when you’re looking for meds!

Acetaminophen = Tylenol

Used to treat pain and reduce fever. Do not take with Ibuprofen.

Ibuprofen = Advil, Midol, Motrin

Used for pain and fever, is an anti-inflammtory. Is good for period cramps because it is an NSAID (non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drug).

Naproxen = Aleve, Naprosyn

Treats fever, pain, arthritis pain, gout, period cramps, tendinitis, headache, backache, and toothache. Is also an NSAID.

Acetaminophen + Asprin + Caffeine = Excedrin

Usually marketed as “Migraine Relief” as a generic.

Asprin = Bayer

Use for pain, fever, arthritis, and inflammation. Makes you bleed easily so should not be used for periods. Might reduce risk of heart attacks.\

Triple Antibiotic Ointment = Neosporin

Used on cuts, sores, and scrapes to reduce risk of infection and promote healing.

Also a general mutli-vitamin isn’t a bad idea and if you don’t get a lot of fruits or milk/sunshine in your diet you might want to get vitamins C and D specifically for daily use.

kiokushitakaa

if you do accidentally lapse and put dawn in your dishwasher, run it empty and put hair conditioner where the detergent goes. that’ll clean it out (tip given to me by dorm custodian when roommate did the thing).

if you live off ramen, add stuff to it! add veggies you like, don’t use the whole flavor packet to cut down on sodium and msg or don’t use it at all and add your own spices.

if you’re making something with potatoes in it (beans, stew) potatoes are done when you can easily stab a fork through them.

you can microwave a hotdog as long as you put it in a microwave safe container of water. microwaves work by making water molecules vibrate. also, when reheating rice leftovers, add a small amount of water, like maybe a spoonfull, so it doesn’t get hard and crunchy.

the rice cooking advice above is for long grain rice. if you’re making short or medium grain rice, a 1:1 ratio (one cup water for one cup rice) is better, so the rice doesn’t come out too mushy.

buy a few cans of chicken. wholesale club stores like sam’s, costco, or bj’s tend to carry multipacks for a good price. they’re incredibly useful for when you forget to defrost meat.

buy meat on sale and put it in the freezer. buy vegetables on sale, and put them in the freezer. frozen veggies are often as flavorful and good as fresh ones, keep longer, and often come in microwaveable bags or with microwave directions.

soak ink stains in milk to help get them out or at least lighten them.

soak blood stains in water as soon as possible, with a bit of detergent or stain remover. scrub at them. use cold water, heat binds proteins to fabric. tbh, there’s no real need to change the washer from cold-cold setting unless the thing you’re washing says to wash in warm water.

acetone, found in most nail polish removers, dissolves super glue.

cloningmycat

YOU’RE ALL DOING GOD’S WORK BLESS YOU

lifelovebooksnshit

Takes pictures, have prints made and put them in photo albums. Be IN the pictures, have someone take pictures of you and your friends. Get over not looking perfect in thw picture. Someday that friend might be gone and those pictures might be all you’ll have, you will want to be in them. I made that mistake with my best friend, i always felt weird asking for a picture together… he died of cancer January of 2014 and now i have no pictures of us together. Its my only regret in life.

boasamishipper

This is really helpful, thank you all!

batsandhatsinunderland-deactiva

I’m the newest of new adults but I’m gonna throw these little tips in there. IF YOU HAVE AN OLD CAR:

-coolant or water if your car overheats (coolant is preferable cause it won’t hurt the engine in the long run but hey i know money is tight)

-flashlight in case you break down at night and need to check under the hood and your phone is dead

-SPARE TIRE.

-jumper cables.you will at some point leave your lights on. you just will.

AAA or any other road side service is never a bad investment i swear. (try to mooch it off your parents as long as you can though)

shipperqueen93

Know how to change a tire. You’re going to need to do it at some point in time and you can’t always rely on someone else to do it for you.

Don’t be afraid to go to your local food bank. They are there for a reason.

Don’t be ashamed to ask for help period. Life is hard, everyone needs help occasionally.

woodelf68

You can put a LOWER wattage bulb in a lamp that says it’s for a higher one, but don’t put a HIGHER wattage bulb in. Also, watts refer to the amount of electricity used. LUMENS refers to the amount of light put out, and can vary quite a bit between brands, even though the wattage is the same. Look for the one with the highest lumens unless you actually want a slightly dimmer bulb in a certain location. Those dollar store batteries? Fine if they’re alkaline. “Heavy-duty” batteries, however, won’t last nearly as long. You can microwave a hot dog and bun simply by wrapping them in a toweling for a minute, less if you don’t want them scalding hot.

blue-pixiedust

Reblogging to save lives.

faranae-moved

Two adulting (kitchen-related) tips from me!

1. Buy a roll of parchment paper from the cooking shit aisle. A big roll will last you for-fucking-ever. Pretty much any time you’re using a baking pan you can line it with that stuff and save yourself A: food sticking to the pan and B: it’s a quick rinse and it’s clean.

2. Bread can get fucking expensive, so make your own. A bigass bag of flour and a bag of active dry yeast (store it in the friiiiidge!!!) works out a FUCK of a lot cheaper than buying bread at the store, and you can do so much more with it. Bread, pizza, rolls, cinnibuns, homemade pizza pockets. It seems intimidating but it’s stupid easy.

Seriously. It’s stupid simple to make, and most of the “3 hours” to make it is sitting around surfing the internet or doing whatever the fuck you want while the dough rises. If you have an afternoon free once a week to sit and play video games or surf the net, you have the time to make your own bread on the cheap. Here’s my simple-as-fuck recipe:

2 ¼ teaspoons active dry yeast (You can buy a bag of this stuff CHEAP in bulk stores, the little packets are hella stupid priced) 1 cup warm water (think a hot bath) 1 ½ teaspoons sugar 2 tablespoons oil (any kind works for the most part) 2 ¼ cups flour 1 teaspoon salt

1. Stir the yeast, water, sugar, and oil up in a bowl. Let it sit for about 10 minutes. It will foam up VERY high, this is the yeast getting happy! If it doesn’t get all foamy, the water may have been too hot or not hot enough. Remember, Yeast is alive! Treat it like a nice girlfriend!

2. Mix your flour, salt, and the yeast concoction up in a bowl.

3. Knead that shit for about 5 minutes. It will start sticky as heck, but will come together into a nice dough. If it’s still super sticky, toss in a bit more flour. Here’s how to knead it:

4. Put your dough in a covered, lightly oiled bowl and leave it someplace warmish for an hour. At that point it will have roughly doubled in size, give it a gentle punch to release the gasses that have built up inside. Cover it again and let it sit for a bit longer.

Boom. You have bread dough. Here are some baking times and uses for ya:

Optional egg-wash: Just crack an egg into a bowl, add a pinch of salt, and mix the bejeebus out of it with a fork. Brush (or if you’re like me, goop it on with said fork) that shit thinly on bread before baking for a nice crust.

Pizza: Stretch it on a pan, stab the fucker all over with a fork, add toppings, bake 425*F 15-20 minutes.

Bread Sticks: Make snake-shapes, let rest on pan 10-ish minutes, bake 400*F 10-20 minutes.

Dinner rolls: Make ball-sized (yes those balls) balls. Place on greased pan, let rest 10-20 minutes to rise. Egg-wash and bake 375*F 25 minutes.

Bread: Lightly score (cut) the top, let sit for 20-ish minutes on/in whatever you’re using to bake it, egg-wash, bake at 375*F for 20-ish minutes. It’s done when it sounds hollow if you knock on the bottom.

You bet your ass you can deep-fry this shit for cheapie yeast doughnuts. Roll that shit in sugar or dip it in whatever, it’s fucking tasty.

Bagels: YES. YOU. CAN. Form bagel-shapes out of the dough and boil them in salty water for about 2 minutes. Egg-wash them and bake them at 400*F for 10 minutes.

Cinnamon Rolls: Roll that shit out into a rectangle. Brush it with a mix of butter, cinnamon, sugar, and a pinch of salt (no exact amounts here, do it to your taste). Roll it up into a log, and cut it into discs. Let them sit 20 minutes in a pan and then bake at 375*F 15-17 minutes.

You can add whatever you want to the dough for some variety, just if it’s dried spices remember you really only need 1-ish tablespoons. I personally like making bread with about 1 tablespoon of dill in the dough. Roll it out flat, sprinkle it with cheddar, roll it into a log, squeeze the ends shut, and bake it like a regular loaf of bread. Cheesy dill bread OMNOMNOM.

*ahem* That got a bit long. But yeah. Bread’s expensive, yo. Save your wallet.

(Also it’s ridiculous amounts of therapeutic to bake, for me anyway)