[lelosaur]

The world is broken, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I keep trying to fix things, like I can cover up a dam full of leaks. As if I can hold back the ocean. As if I can pick up my friends cracking, shattering inside. The ones gasping for air, for a chance, for a single moment of reprieve. I wish so much I could be that help, but I’m not God. I’m not all powerful, nor am I all knowing. I can only watch as the ripples of death, cancer, suicide, depression, and the absolute selfishness of others ripple across communities. Pain leaping from heart to heart. Ravenous, each time stealing a portion of hope from each. A portion of life. Father, I am powerless to do anything, but You are not. You are the one that moves mountains. Heals hearts. Brings dry bones back to life. You pour life into those of us, on our knees. Gasping for air. Water. Anything. You are the one who saves. So I will place my faith in you, because I know you are good. I know you will restore and bring hope to what was once dead. You are my God. My one source of light. You’ve never let me down, so I beg of you. Don’t let them die.

[lelosaur]

I love community. I see so much worth and good in it. Sometimes to a fault. However, one time a trusted brother and friend said he saw that I’d been gifted as a wanderer. One who goes to places, makes huge impact, and keeps walking. A catalyst. As much as I want to reject it, I can’t deny how good I am at doing that. Catalyzing growth and change in every community I meet. After that, I feel slightly useless.

[lelosaur]

With maturity comes stability in spirit. Spirit being emotionally, physically, mentally, ect. Indifference is not maturity. As much as it looks like stability, it’s simply an extreme in one direction. One day that tipping point reaches a limit and self realization of the true identity of their indifference can crush hearts and break spirits. Fight for what is meaningful. That builds maturity. Don’t run and bottle your heart up. It’ll break free.

[lelosaur]

I believe the reason why people are so scared to face emotions and vulnerable realities is because they believe that their conversation and words define who they are. To say “I’m scared’, “I’m angry”, or “I’m confused” in some way defines them. However, that’s the furthest from the truth. You don’t say “I’m scared”. You say, “I feel scared”. Scared, angry, confused, sad, ect. You feel this. You are NOT that. Does that make sense? You can feel scared but still be brave. You can feel sad but still be a joyful person. You can feel out of control and weak, but STILL be so strong. It’s a matter of perspective. You are not your emotions. Emotions are just a byproduct of your situation. Byproducts do not define you. So do not let it define you. You are strong.

[lelosaur]

Just a reminder

A friend told me to write here so I am. I used to write on here a lot, but definitely slowed down once I realized the unhealthier implications of receiving the majority of my self identity and affimation through social media, so I made some boundaries. Physical boundaries. Called my journal.  On the note of boundaries though, that’s been a big part of my day to day lately. I’m realizing just how lucky I was to have good people in my life teach me what it means and looks like to create and build good boundaries and relationships through communication. Granted, I learned that hard way with some crappy people, but there’s always gonna be crappy people, so. I like that it’s part of my identity  now. It comes so naturally to pursue good direction in that aspect. Not saying I’m perfect or have it down, I’m just saying that it’s a habit and mindset that’s been created of looking at crap in my life and saying, “What would happen if I chose to grow healthily out of this prioritizing relationship and personal growth”. So here I am. Woo. I haven’t written here in a while, but I always ended with an affirmation of sorts. So here’s the one for today. You’re loved. In some way, shape, or form. You are. If you truly have an abrasive personality, you may have less than others, but that doesn’t make these relationships any less special than others. Love isn’t a quantitative thing. Cherish the love you have. Build it. Grow it. Protect it. If it’s not love but rather manipulation, get rid of it. In any case, you have something truly good. Most people don’t realize that. So knowing that you have something truly good, I hope you do something earth shakingly amazing with it. Yeah. Peace.

[lelosaur]

I’ve been thinking about the process as I went through my stage of deep depression. With toxic “friends” and too scared to tell family. What shocked me the most was the deep level of tenacity I had that I never knew existed. It’s crazy, but I grew the most I’d ever had during those 2.5 years. Something about struggling to stay alive really helps focus your self worth, confidence, and values to purely what is most important to you. Then refines it over and over again.

Then again, I didn’t do it completely alone. There were times I should have died. Days where it was too dark to see the light. It was at those times when I was inches away from death that God would still my heart and hand. He would give me peace, and I would fall into deep rest. Rest that would give me more than enough strength to continue to refine myself again. To burn away the darkness and truly find the light at the end of the tunnel. 

I thought that was pretty cool.

[lelosaur]

Rest

I’ve been learning what good and healthy rest looks like. I feel like rest is something not really talked about or examined as a whole within our culture, and that that healthy rest leads to better habits and growth. With the Asian/ Silicon Valley mindset, we just single mindedly gogogo until we physically/mentally/emotionally burn out. Then we dissociate and shut off until we have enough energy to do it all over again.  I believe that healthy rest should be interwoven in our daily, allowing us space, time, and energy to grow and positively influence ourselves and our direction. We shouldn’t look exactly the same after returning from a burnout only to do it all over again. That’s called insanity.

[lelosaur]

Reminiscing

Over this past year, I’ve seen more than I have in all my other years. This post is not to brag or anything of the sort. It’s to me. This blog has always been to me and for me. So I remember where I came from and where I’m going. So when my heart is sick with anxiety and grief, I can look back and see the good that God has done in my life. I can look back and trust in Him. This year I’ve had a friend die out of the blue. I’ve talked down 3-4 people from the ledge. I’ve waited and prayed anxiously for countless nights that certain people would make the right choices. I’ve fought my way out of suicidal depression and anxiety. I’ve built a truly loving community around myself. I’ve found love in the people around me again. I’ve pruned the number of those around me who I call confidants. I’ve let self destructive friends go and let those who truly were interested in a relationship in. I’ve invested countless hours of genuine love into people who now call me mentor and friend. I’ve found more self confidence than I ever believed I could have. I’ve held 5 people’s hands and walked with them day by day after they were sexually assaulted. I’ve learned to laugh in all situations until my sides hurt. I’ve learned how to have infectious joy and peace. I’ve learned more of how to protect that which is worth protecting. I’ve learned how to have more professional confidence and to reach for what I want. I’ve learned how to learn. I’ve learned that I still know nothing, and that it’s okay. I’ve learned more of what God’s voice sounds like. I’ve learned that I am so blessed by Him. I’ve learned that I have an AMAZING testimony that truly shakes mountains. I’ve learned that my words have power. I’ve learned that He has given me worth and all this that is around me. I’ve learned what to be proud in as well as what true humility and servitude looks like. I’ve learned how ego can crush personalities of friends, and how some wield it to cover fear. I’ve watched friends learn how to love again. I’ve seen friends leave their comfort zone in every sense of the word, and come out better people. I’ve also seen friends leave their comfort zone in every sense of the word, and come out more fearful and egotistical people. I’ve seen myself grow. I’ve watched myself fall. I’ve seen myself learn, and I’ve seen myself forget.  But through it all, I’ve always remembered to be faithful and grateful. Thank you for your Grace, God. I would have truly been shattered without you.

[lelosaur]

Life isn't about the explosions that happen. It's about the fires you kindle and nurture from nothing into fruition.

[lelosaur]

Ugh. Today's bad. I can feel it. It's been bad. Idk about tomorrow, but I know its sucking rn. I ate, slept, read, worked, and did everything right. Sometimes I kinda forget that this depression is still a thing. But I am not my emotions. This too will pass.

[lelosaur]

I used to place so much worth on photography. My photography was everything. It was so much of my identity. Everything I thought and did centered around how I snapped my next shot. How I delivered it. The reception of the picture. The emotion tangible from the shot.  So when I hit slumps, my mental state dipped as well. When the angles and shots came easily, I felt free. Photography started out as an outlet for the creative and emotional buildup I had going through highschool and college. The act of snapping the shot to squinting at the screen through one eye, editing until the colors seemed to melt together and blur. 

All this was new for me. I had never known anything except for science and math. Rote memorization or hard logic. Photography on the other hand let me express myself and the thoughts I had inside. It freed me from the birdcage of my mind, that for so long had kept me bottled up and frustrated. So it’s no wonder that when I hit slumps, everything else in my life skid to a halt.

Eventually, I began to realize this. I realized that instead of freeing myself, I’d let myself walk straight from one cage into another. Nothing had changed. Instead, now I could get frustrated at my art AND my mathematical ability. Great. So I looked for another outlet. In fact, I looked for two outlets. Writing and piano. I’d always been a reader. Ever since I was in kindergarten, I’d been reading Alice in Wonderland, The Wizard of Oz, 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. The classics. It’s for this reason, that I loved and admired those who could write. Wordsmiths that took a permutation of 26 different characters in countless different ways to forge pure magic with  nothing but ink and paper as their medium. Artists that breathed worlds and heroes and  wisdom into being with a flick of a pen. I wanted that. I wanted simply to put what I felt onto paper. I wanted no longer to be mute. Not just coherent, but verbose. To let my personality flare to life on paper. So I eagerly searched online with the best way to do so, and this is all I got. “Just keep writing”.

So I did. I forced myself to write for months. Years. I wrote prayers to God. I wrote frustrations against those who hurt me. I wrote pieces of wisdom I had garnered and tempered through fire. I wrote about me. Each and every night, sitting in a student cafe, many times blinking through tears, many times struggling to stay awake, but I persevered. I persevered until the tempest of thoughts and rage and emotion that burned inside of me was tempered into words. No longer were my thoughts scattered like sand on a beach. It had been tempered into iron. Something I could wield. It was then that I saw the piano.

I’d taken piano lessons when I was in elementary school. Just a couple years, nothing serious. To be honest, I’d quit because I just wasn’t interested in it. Nothing about more rote memorization interested me. Nothing about playing the piano interested me. Well, nothing except for improv. I’d seen improv piano done once or twice. After I saw the performer do it, I talked to him and he explained how to use basic chords, as well as teaching me a few to start off with. So that’s where I started off with. I had 3 chords I knew, and a decade since I’d last played. With that, I mustered up my confidence and began playing...and it sucked. 

The student run cafe had a few couches and tables scattered around the room. It was a cozy place with the piano nestled into a corner. In the reflection of the piano, I could see the entire room. When I started off, I could see the grimaces and wry smiles everyone shot one another. It was heartbreaking but I knew this was the next step. 

Each and every day I played at that cafe at least once. I felt humiliated. I hated that piano with a passion, but still I kept at it. Eventually, I got better. I felt the music begin to flow through me. I saw the grimaces change to smiles, the wry glances into those of amazement, and I realized why I’d fought so hard for this. I had a measure of talent for it, and it made me smile. From then on, I improved by leaps and bounds. My music no longer simply garnered smiles. I had once again reached the point of literacy through a new medium. I played at open mics while still playing at the cafe. I saw the music lead people to tears of rage and those of sorrow. But at the same time, I was able to also translate the joy I felt inside. I saw people cry with happiness. People who came to me later and just sat me down and gave me a hug. I was able to give joy and peace to those who needed it. Much like how I had needed it so many times before. I was amazed and filled with gratitude. 

Just like that, 2.5 years had passed. 2.5 years of depression and anxiety. 2.5 years of pain and sorrow. 2.5 years of growth. At the end of it all, I can truly say, I’m happy. I’m happy and so thankful that God led me from gift to gift. That he showed me just how multifaceted I am. That I am a person. I am beloved. I am worth it. 2.5 years, and I’m so happy and loved. That’s what Daryl means. It means dearly beloved.

[lelosaur]

I have the best thoughts for writing at night. The rest of the day, I’m just preoccupied with whatever else I need to do or plan for the future. Either way, I’ve grown to appreciate the act of writing on paper or on here.

[lelosaur]

Fear is always a constant, but how one deals with and allows it to temper them truly defines a person. Be brave. This too, shall pass.

[lelosaur]

I’ve been thinking a lot on friends of mine who’ve been hurt. People who had things happen to them that didn’t deserve it. Situations out of their control that spiraled into fear. So many people who are or were lost and in pain. Myself included. Then I thought of how they made it out. What it took to make it out. Especially the people who reached out to them. The people who were willing to be vulnerable and loving. The people who sacrificed, not knowing if their love and care was or could ever be reciprocated. All because they wanted fear and pain to go. To be extinguished. I thought about just how brave these people were. They weren’t foolhardy, they were brave. Be brave.

[a-joyfuljourney]

I would go to the deeps a hundred times to cheer a downcast spirit. It is good for me to have been afflicted, that I might know how to speak a word in season to one that is weary.

Charles Spurgeon (via white-anemone)

[lelosaur]

I feel like every stage of life, we’re trying to coalesce ideals and major milestones of learning and mindsets. Some people have a natural affinity for their stage, some keep working at it and move forward, some go too fast and trip, and some just give up. Either way, I’ve been trying to realistically stake down important values and mindsets that have a much bigger effect on my state of mind and being in the near future as well as big F future. Honestly, it’s been pretty tough. I get sidetracked in small as well as big ways. Things I know are distractions, as well as things that seem important, but really aren’t. So I’m trying to push it away and focus. I’ll do my part and trust that God’s in control, maneuvering me into the right places at the right time. Although, if I don’t make a conscious decision every day to change, the journey’s going to take just that much longer, and that’s not cool. God, give me the willpower and wisdom to do what’s right by you. P.S I guess that’s one then. Focus.

[composeme]

The book of James talks about those who carry leadership being called to a higher standard. This is especially true in the area of communication. A leader’s words of correction can penetrate much more deeply, sometimes resulting in wounding. Likewise, their words of praise can do much to encourage people toward their best.

Darlene Cunningham (via composeme)