[lithobided]

( 𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐁𝐈𝐃𝐄𝐃 ) “ ⁽ ˑˑˑ ⁾ too much is wrong 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝒎𝒆. that's the problem, isn't it? too much is wrong with me, & you can't do anything about that. you can't change it. ”

a 21+, highly selective, & mutual-only roleplay blog for 𝐈𝐀𝐍 𝐆𝐀𝐋𝐋𝐀𝐆𝐇𝐄𝐑 from 𝐒𝐇𝐀𝐌𝐄𝐋𝐄𝐒𝐒 (𝐔𝐒). heavily headcanon-based, & focused primarily on seasons 1 — 7 with some minor influences from later seasons. low activity & remade in 2024. explored by venus ⁽ she/her & 30+ ⁾. please note that i will be selective with following first.

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𝐀 𝐒𝐓𝐔𝐃𝐘 𝐈𝐍: innocence lost, childhood trauma, troubled teenage years, mental illness through high-highs & low-lows, not wanting to end up like the mother, mama's boy, like mother like son, not feeling good enough, the black sheep of the family, trying to prove one's own worth, wanting to be different from your family, seeking validation in others, coming to terms with who you are, making your own happiness, & finding love in an unexpected person.

[lithobided]

something i eventually want to write about is ian and the concept of love. i firmly believe that growing up in the gallagher home really fucked with his ideas about love.

[daggerdoggy]

wish i could go missing for a little bit and no one would freak out and then i could come back and they'd be like "did you have fun going missing" and i'd be like "yeah, thanks" and then i could do that every couple of months or so and it wouldn't be a big deal

[lithobided]

ian carries monica's death with him everywhere. she was someone who unapologetically understood him and he doesn't know how to let her go.

[shirelike]

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ" oh, okay. cool, cool. " he's not really listening though, gaze now intently resting on his younger brother. his eyes follow him as he gets up and traverses to the kitchen; lip can already tell the guy's feeling a bit twitchy, a little anxious. ever since their confrontation in their room things had been tense. lip liked to think that he knows his brother like the back of his hand, and the way ian refuses to meet his gaze tells him everything.

finally pocketing his cigarette carton, he warms himself up some by rubbing his hands together. slowly, he puts one foot in front of the other, lazily making his way over to ian. " beer? " he echoes, then pauses. it was pretty early in the morning, but who's keeping track? he shrugs. " yeah, sure, hit me. " he's just behind his brother now, coming to rest against the side of the room's threshold.

sucking at his teeth, lip's brows furrow a bit. he still couldn't get the image of kash and ian out of his mind, and it eats at him incessantly. he didn't give a shit if ian was gay or queer or whatever, but someone had to be the adult here; wasn't like frank was about to give a shit about anyone but himself, and he doubted fiona had any idea.

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ" hey, uh, ian. just so you know, 'm not gonna tell anyone shit, okay? y'know, 'bout you n' kash. but you gotta know that he's a sicko, right? the guy's preying on you — and you're what, not even half his age? haven't — haven't you ever stopped t' think about that? huh? "

[lithobided]

ian didn’t reach the fridge. his feet stop short of the kitchen & living room entrance. he swallowed, wanting to feel small; he crossed his arms & brought his shoulders more inward as he shook his head and bit his lower lip. why did the conversation have to shift to kash? couldn’t they just talk about life without involving that piece of it? a sigh escaped, heavy & ready to pull him under. he avoided eye contact for as long as he could before he glanced at his brother & shook his head again.

“ shut up. ” the first words he can spit out don’t weigh enough. his head was spinning with all the things he wanted to say but getting them out was another story. “ i’m old enough to make my own choice with who i fuck or not. ” you’re not frank, you don’t get to talk to me about this shit. the voice inside his head screamed while ian rested his body against the nearby wall.

he wanted to yell at lip, but what good would it do him? “ besides, have i ever given you shit about the girls you go with? why does kash have to be any different? just because he’s older? so, what if he’s older! i – ” words trailed off as ian pulled himself away from the wall & moved further into the kitchen. on his way, he hit his shoulder against his brother’s shoulder before he stopped & turned to face him & as he did, his arms fell to his sides.

“ you’re not frank, lip. we don’t need to have this conversation, okay? ” & there it was. what he wanted to say all along finally found a way out.

[lithobided]

click the heart for a medium-length starter. if you are a multimuse blog, please specify the muse(s) otherwise i won't write anything for you.

[unfuck-it]

you fucked up

idk what you’re referring to but probably

[graunblida]

@lithobided smashed the heart !

" remember when we smoked ditch weed out of a gatorade bottle? " nothing in that moment was at all reminiscent of the memory. well, other than ian of course. and maybe the hawaiian punch slowly traveling up her straw. red had been the flavor ( only cops knew the actual names ) of the gatorade all that time ago. " what the fuck was wrong with us? " a chuckle followed the question, proving she wasn't feeling too guilty about behavior from the past. growing up, there was never a dull moment. always some SCUFFLE to get into or havoc to wreak.

[lithobided]

a groan & then a chuckle. “ that was fucking years ago, don’t remind me. ” he then reached across the table, grabbed a small handful of lexa’s fries, & began to eat them with a shake of his head. as he leaned back against his booth seat, he sighed. “ we were dumb kids, that’s what was wrong with us. well ... actually, you were the dumb one. i followed along to make sure your dumb ass didn’t get arrested. ” he leaned forward again, arms resting on the table as he looked down at his hands while a grin worked to pull his lips upward.

[lithobided]

ian hates st. patrick's day, mostly because it involves wandering around downtown chicago trying to find where frank passed out. sure, the family could just leave him wherever he is, but the last time they did that, he almost accidentally drowned in the river. when asked about it, he said he liked the green color and wanted a closer look. he also hates it because he's a ginger and got teased as a kid because other kids would call him a leprechaun.

[southsider-deactivated20240319]

FUCK! FUCKIN' FUCK. 'cos of his little brother's stupid stint with kash, he couldn't even keep it up while with karen. it was playing like a broken record behind his eyelids, that creep going at it with his brother. ian's dick in places it shouldn't fuckin' be, kash — eugh. he had to excuse himself, much to karen's dismay. or, well, irritation, maybe? whatever. the eldest gallagher son shrugs his jacket on and exits the house, middle finger raised high like a salute as he flips off a pissed karen. she'll forget about it. not a big deal.

as he made his way back to the gallagher house, he fished out his ol' lighter and a smoke, taking a much needed drag. " what's he fuckin' thinkin'? " he'd murmur to himself with a shake of his head. ian wasn't even 16, for crying out loud. but kash? did the dude have no shame? he was a pedophile, plain and simple.

he'd take one more puff before flicking his cig into the street, jogging up the steps to his home. sucking in a big sigh, he braced himself; he was pretty sure he could hear that mtv shit ian always liked coming from the family room. he was home.

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ" oh. yeah. " shutting the door behind him, lip slowly enters the room, digits busying themselves with his cigarette carton. " nah, she, uh, had a thing. sheila's tryin' to make it to the corner store or some shit, i dunno. " slowly, he comes to a halt directly behind ian. half-lidded gaze does a once over around the house, noting the unusual quiet. " hey, are debbs n' carl not home yet? s' jus' you home? "

[lithobided]

ian swallowed. his head shook at the question as a hand reached for the nearby remote, his fingers hovered above the volume button. he was tempted to turn up the TV & pretend like he hadn’t heard lip’s question. the sounds would be a great distraction from the hell he was living. “ just me, ” he repeated slowly.

his hand removed itself from the remote as he crossed his arms over his chest. he couldn’t get comfortable, not with lip standing behind him, which only made his leg bounce more & his head spin. for fuck’s sake, he shouldn’t have to feel this way around his own brother!

he exhaled softly. “ fiona said something about taking them & liam out for ice cream with jimmy. i told her that i had homework and needed to do it before monday. ” a lie. whatever homework he had could wait, but the idea of having the house to himself sounded nice.

before lip came back, ian had considered calling kash for a meet-up. now those plans were better off in the ground. without warning, he stood up from the couch & turned to face his older brother. “ i’m gonna grab a beer, you want one? ” his leg stopped bouncing when he got up, but his fingers twitched at his sides. the TV couldn’t drown out the racing thoughts in his head, but alcohol could.

[lithobided]

meta + drug addiction

like ian’s hypersexuality, which presents itself during a manic episode, the allure of drugs is not lost on him. the reason he seeks them out is because of the thrill that can come from certain drugs. take that thrill and mix it with the poor impulse control that comes with a manic episode, ian sees no reason not to do drugs. he also won’t listen if someone tells him not to do something, and in many ways, that pushes him to want to do it more.

as a result, he gets addicted, but not necessarily to the drugs themselves, rather, he gets addicted to the feeling the drugs give him. during a manic episode, the drugs will numb his body and allow him to experience things without worry. he simply enjoys the freedom that comes with the numb sensation.

i should also note that drugs don’t just appeal to him when he’s dealing with a manic episode. ian also finds drugs to be extremely beneficial when he’s going through a depressive episode. why? the drugs help numb his brain, which is a big deal for him. his brain is constantly buzzing with activity.

additionally, he finds that anything to help numb him is better than always feeling like he’s on unstable ground. being bipolar doesn’t make him an addict, he is an addict because he chooses to go back to the drugs for the numbing feeling. in ian’s mind, feeling numb still allows him to live his life, meanwhile, the medication to treat his bipolar reduces a lot of what he enjoys about life.

i should also say that when ian is fully medicated, the desire to go back to drugs is still with him. it never fully goes away, but it gets easier for him to say no. for example, we see this with alcohol, where he learns to limit himself or say no altogether. when it comes to drugs, he can say no as long as he isn’t in an environment that could cause a relapse. it also helps if he has someone around to help keep him in check.

𝐦𝐞𝐭𝐚 𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 ★ always accepting!

[lapis-memes]

Reblog this if you’re okay with people sending unexpected IC asks to your muse at any time! No meme prompts needed!

[daemones-angeli]

I want to violently fuck you, in a loving way.

[lithobided]

meta + ian's thoughts on therapy and meds

the short answer is he hates both.

now the real answer is, that the starting medication made him feel horrible. as he told debbie, being on those medications made him feel like life wasn’t worth living, but that’s because ian didn’t give them enough time to work before he flushed them down the toilet. he felt the side effects and instantly hated the way they made him feel without giving them a chance to make him feel stable. truth be told, he was afraid of who he might become if he was stable.

all of that was his fault and Ian knows it. once he tried again, with the push of those around him, he started to see the benefit of the medications. that to say, he does miss the times when he was more carefree, the times before the medications. however, he does his best to remain on the medications to avoid going back to the hospital. he hated the hospital more than the medicine.

while ian would rather not have to be medicated for the rest of his life, he does realize that when medicated, it makes his mood easier to handle. not only that, when he feels a manic episode or a depressive episode come on, they are easier to deal with and don’t last as long, which means ian gets more chances to live out his life and not be controlled by his disorder. that scares him. he’s so accustomed to the disorder controlling him and not feeling like he fits in with others that when it doesn’t and when he can fit in, it seems out of place.

he would never wish any of this on anyone, he also wishes he could be normal without medication or the stain on his record that states he spent time in a hospital for his mental disorder. he feels like he has to keep his head above water and keep those feelings to himself, but occasionally, he might let it slip that he doesn’t enjoy his medicated life.

𝐦𝐞𝐭𝐚 𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 ★ always accepting!

[lithobided]

meta + infidelity ... :(

this is a tricky subject because it has two sides to it. the first side is that ian knows what he’s doing and does it anyway ( which could be true or not, it depends on how far into the manic episode he is ), and the other side is that he doesn’t know what he’s doing and is simply acting on his desires. either way, you look at it, the main reason for ian’s infidelity is a result of his bipolar. that isn’t to say that his actions should be excused because he has a mental disorder, it just gives an understanding as to why he does what he does.

for example, when ian is manic, he is seeking to fulfill an urge that he otherwise has control over, but in a manic state there is no control, there is only that desire. as a result, he acts on the desire to bring him pleasure ( however that may come about ) and it allows him to feel good. in the manic episode, ian doesn’t think about the feelings of others and isn’t intentionally trying to hurt someone else. his brain flips a switch and it becomes almost impossible not to act on what his mind wants because he has poor coping skills when it comes to his mania. if he knew how to better handle it, he might have a better way to handle the urges when they come up.

however, in addition to his manic state, which is a big cause for hypersexual responses, ian was sexual from a younger age. i’m not saying kash did things to ian when ian didn’t want it, but i am saying that whenever ian was in a more hypomanic state ( before his bipolar got worse ), men could take advantage of him and he went along with it because it fulfilled that desire the mania created.

so, in a way, ian doing these things was normal in his mind and he had no reason to stop it. now, if it was brought to his attention after his manic episode was done, he would feel a lot of guilt and shame for it. he would also struggle to talk about it because he knows that his disorder has more control over him than he would like it to.

𝐦𝐞𝐭𝐚 𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 ★ always accepting!

[lithobided]

sitting on the couch, watching MTV, ian wanted to believe he was numb to it all. the bouncing of his leg & the inability to bring the nail on his thumb away from his mouth told another story. he couldn’t focus on the TV. his mind raced as he replayed the way lip looked at him when he discovered the truth. he never thought he would see that look from his brother, of all people, & now, he couldn’t stop seeing it.

it wasn’t like he had done anything wrong ( at least, that was what kash told him ). not only that, while he & kash were casual about their hookups, they had been smart about them as well. now, it felt like any consideration about being smart was just for show.

his stomach dropped as he heard the front door open, a quick turn of his head away from the TV allowed him to see @southsider. ian looked back to the TV & pretended to be focused on whatever was playing. he lowered his finger from his mouth & placed both hands on his legs. if he was lucky, maybe the one would stop bouncing.

“ back already? i thought you’d be at karen’s for longer ... like the whole night or some shit. guess i was wrong. ” he said trying to keep the conversation casual.

starter call ★ accepting, mutuals only!

[twcbelts]

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