happy first day of tour! just wanted to share this photo of us to commemorate being on the road again, despite looking all crazy jet-lagged. honestly, it all feels very... bittersweet.
while i’m happy to be back touring with everyone and making all these memories on and off stage, there’s one thing that’s holding me back. and that’s her. i’m scared that when i’m on that stage i’ll see her face in the crowd, freeze, and fall into this weird pit that disassociates me from what’s happening. because that very same face haunts me in my dreams to this day, and i hate knowing i’ll never be left alone. but i guess that’s my fate, right?
on the bright side, i’ll have my friends... my family. i have a lot of things to look forward to like: visiting the botanical gardens with taemin, starting a frog-shaped bread business with zendaya, touring around big ben with conan, niall showing me around the local hot spots, seeing ali again (god, i missed her so much), the tour mario kart competition, sticking stickers on all of my band members, and just enjoying the moment with whoever i’m with. i also brought my pet snail shelldon with me, so he’ll be by my side throughout this whole journey.
things will be okay. i’ll be okay. tour’ll be fun.
･ﾟ ☆ & STARS, a playlist for totalcontrolhq by park jimin.
a playlist compiled with songs that bring him back emotions that were felt in memorable moments of his life. ─ listen here.
TRACK ONE: no halo by brockhampton. “do i matter? i'm ecstatic, i'm depressed, more like god's special mess, never had no halo.”
whenever jimin listens to this song, it alleviates the societal pressures he’s given on the daily as an idol. the public expects nothing less than a pristine image from him; as if he’s given no room to be human. despite the way he presents himself on stage or in front of cameras, he’s not perfect. there are days where he’s not at his best, where he makes mistakes, and he can only express these emotions under the covers, eyes welled up with tears. what’s worse is that because he feels he can’t express these emotions, he’s convinced that he has to go through it alone. all he wants is for the world to know that he can’t keep this act up without falling apart. that he has no halo.
TRACK TWO: thursday by got7. “we’re now thursday i want to fill your weekend, my weekend... we’re now thursday.”
he first realized that he loved her on a thursday. when this song comes on, it brings him back to the beginning stages of their relationship... how good it felt when they were together. there wasn’t anything that came in their way, and they enjoyed each moment together. it brings back all of the memories where he’d hold her hand and dance the night away, the way she laughed at whatever lame joke left his lips, how everything was perfect. it reminds him of why falling in love was the best feeling, and he should only remember these parts of it rather than the bad. hearing it gives him that hope that one day, he’ll experience that kind of love again. fully, without the fear.
TRACK THREE: lose you to love me by selena gomez. “you promised the world and i fell for it, i put you first and you adored it...”
like with all relationships, the honeymoon period had to come to an end. people’s true identities begin to show as the rose-colored glasses begin to fade. in jimin’s case, after over a year of dating her, the secret came out. he was lied to. deceived. her intentions with him were always calculated, considering the fact that she turned out to be an obsessed fan who did whatever she could to be close to him. even if it meant to lie. whenever jimin listens to this song, he’s reminded of the heartbreak he’s felt upon letting go of the relationship. he had to lose her to love himself, to respect himself, and swore to never open up again.
TRACK FOUR: zombie by day6. “breathin', but ive been dyin' inside nothin' new and nothin' feels right...”
a song that perfectly illustrates the way jimin feels on a bad day. after the separation these bad days turned to every day, because of the way the situation was handled (he was blackmailed, and is now being stalked). it’s as if he can’t escape, which caused him to go into this downward spiral. what seemed like sunshine and rainbows on the outside felt different on the inside, as if he’s dying. lifeless and unhappy. he feels like a zombie. even if a significant amount of time has passed, things haven’t gotten that much better. but, he has to constantly pretend that everything is fine. if you hear this song blasting in jimin’s room on repeat, he’s crying.
TRACK FIVE: dynamite by bts. “'cause i'm in the stars tonight, so watch me bring the fire and set the night alight.”
on a much lighter note, this song perfectly encapsulates how far jimin has come as a musician. he’s been in bts for almost a decade now, and whenever he listens to this song, he’s reminded of all of his achievements. never did he think bts would get as big they are today, and he’s overwhelmed by all of the love and support he’s been given. it’s one of those feel good songs that never fails to have him crack a smile whenever it’s on. he’s lighting it up like a dynamite, and hopes that the impact he and bts has made to the world is remembered forever.
it’s sad, being a hopeless romantic and knowing that you can’t find yourself falling again. that you’re not allowed to feel that plethora of emotions a person feels when they’re head over heels for someone, that feeling of warmth. connection. comfort. whenever i see couples (whether its online or in real life), i have to remind myself that i can only live vicariously through these people in order to experience it again. because i know that if i find myself getting too close to someone, too attached... there’s a risk.
would i take it? i did, once. but look at how badly that ended.
constantly reminding yourself to keep your distance is so fucking exhausting. there’s always that voice in the back of my head that tells me: “no. you can’t fall. not again, not ever. remember the last time you fell in love? it’s too dangerous.” on repeat until i’m able to wrap my head around it. maybe i’m destined to be on my own forever.
but a part of me still wants to experience it. just once... i’d want to be able to ride that rollercoaster again without any of the consequences.
me watching my ex and her celebrity crush flirt on the dashboard: 👁👄👁 (this was a joke i’m so happy for her and i’m only here to support her in everything she does... but if he ever hurts her it’s going to be a problem)
gummygunk
2087
yousharknotpass
pixelskylines
stormborns
theartofmadeline
