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Proof of Life 2024/Wedding Prep rants

Hi, my dearest dashboard. I'm back to emotional dump you without your consent lol.

2024 is my year. Well actually the 2nd half of 2023 has been good to me, too, since inacknowledge nila ang kagandahan ko haha eme. I never dreamed to participate in a pageant and win 'em...or yes, I did dream pero more like a thought na dumaan lang hahaha (buti walang Q&A lol).

In Feb. 2024, I was able to transfer to a new company and tinanggap ako ng manager as a career shifter aka may nabudol akong boss wahaha joke. Pero he understood my dilemma and he wants me to pursue my career growth under his team. I'm so very grateful. Although, within this year din, muntikan ko silang iwan dahil I couldn't cope with a team member's attitude, my manager asked me to stay and hindi daw siya maghahire ng kapalit ko. Me as someone who kinda understands na masasayang yung resources na nainvest sakin dahil di mapapakinabangan, I decided to stay.

And lastly, I'll be married later this year to @t1m0t5, the man of my dreams haha uwu🥹👉👈. We spent a year slowly laying the details of the event, and as of this writing, ilang araw nalang bago ang big day yaaay (pero andami pa naming kulang! TT_TT)

In those past few months, masaya ako nung nilalatag ko yung mga details. In within those months, natuto rin ako magdrive because I figured we would need wheelzzz para makapunta sa events place. I was really happy with the planning, meeting up with our entourages, dress and suit fitting, DIY-ing souvenirs, scrolling sa Lazada lol, counting the budget, etc. Nag-enjoy at the same time, nagiguilty kasi kahit during work, di ko maiwasan trabahuin yung kasal.

Pero after ng 2nd family meet, nawalan ako ng gana. I hate my thoughts kasi it shows na I'm not family-oriented. I hated it na feeling ko slightly nawalan ako ng control in some aspects for the sake of pleasing the family. I had unpleasant thoughts na rin pero alam ko namang maldita ako so ilalagay ko nalang din dito lol. Like, kami naman nagbayad ng almost everything (venue, food, dress, suit, entourage dress and accessories, rooms!), hindi kami humingi ng pandagdag, request nalang namin is punta sila and sila nalang bahala sa transpo and susuotin nila...so bakit sila nangpupuna? Like, initially gusto talaga namin civil nalang para tipid pero nagrequest sila na may ceremony dahil kami ang 1st sa both families na ikakasal.

I started questioning myself kung ano ba talaga ang kasal. Is it a family event? Social event? I see it as a celebration of our union and ang mindset ko is to invite immediate family, friends who were there when my fiance and I started as a couple, friends who we met and bonded as a couple, and people who supported me and my fiance as individuals. Parang birthday party lang, but make birthday into wedding. So I don't see the point of inviting (my) distant relatives na wala namang kamalay-malay sa relasyon namin. Limited lang yung seats ng inavail naming package so we really have to carefully select our guests. Ang gusto is iinvite ang mga aunties and cousins out of respect????

Di naman pupunta yan. Magsend ka lang ng invite.

Eh what if pumunta nga? Sino magshoshoulder ng additional pax? Diba kami? I'm sorry, di ko talaga magets yung point kung bakit sesendan ng invite pero di mo naman siya gusto dun sa event huhuuuu I really feel bad kasi feeling ko ang sama kong tao, at the same time, I'm just looking after our finances. And like sinabi ko na ilang beses na ayoko, but my parents won't yiiieeeeld!! try ko lang daaaaww huhu. Super nafrustrate ako kasi nagtatalo yung thought na "kami ang ikakasal, kami ang masusunod" at "family mo pa rin sila, baka naman natulungan ka nila dati in ways that you haven't seen, chance mo na para maggive back"

Then they also made fun(?) of/criticized my dress, kesyo revealing daw, lalamigin daw ako (since Tagaytay yung venue), mama shook her head in disapproval, di daw ako makakasagot ng 'I do' sa lamig. Nung nag-1st fitting ako, ang saya ko kasi nasunod yung peg ko, although slightly di siya bumagay sakin dahil wala na akong curves, but I love the dress. After that meeting, I would occassionally look at my pic of 1st fitting in the hopes na matuwa ako kasi ang ganda ng dress, kaso nalulungkot lang ako kapag naaalala ko yung comments nila. Wala ako maalalang may sinabi silang "uy, ang ganda!", deretso criticize agad. Like, gets ko concern nila na baka lamigin ako and all, pero hindi ba nila pwede sabihing "wow ang ganda, siguro iwork out mo lang yung sleeves para di ka lamigin, ganitong design oh". Like it's supposed to be my fiance and my best day! pero maiisip ko lang na hindi ako up to their standard on that day. Pinakita ko na sa mga entourage ko ung dress in the hopes na mavalidate yung nafifeel ko, kaso wala, nakakalungkot pa din. Alam ko namang kasal namin yon and no other opinion should matter, pero I can't help it, kung kaya ko lang kalimutan mga sinabi nila to bring back my confidence. Hahahaha kinangina babaw ng problema ko diba.

Tapos makakakita pa ako ng mga comments ng taong on their high horse, na feeling nila angat sila dahil civil wedding sila vs. sa mga nag-opt for wedding events. Lowkey nabash rin sa office dahil sa choice namin magkaroon ng wedding event, sabi niya "dapat di nyo na ginastusan ang kasal niyo, pinanghoneymoon niyo nalang sa Japan, tangena neto eh", "tangina mo rin atleast ako ikakasal na, ikaw 5 years nang single" will be my TOTGA clapback. At least nga may sasahurin ang mga tao dahil sa mga events management and suppliers pwe

Tapos yung cash gift na ibibigay ng relative from abroad, kakaltasan ng aking magaling na pamilya. Well, I don't have it yet pero they were joking na kakaltasan nila dahil sa father ko itatransfer yung $$$. Di ko alam kung joke or totohanin, pero minsan hirap din talaga ako sa kanila pag usaping pera kasi umuutang sila pero nakakalimutan na/nagiging thank you for the money nalang. Kaya siguro hindi magsit well sa akin yung ganyan nilang biro kasi feeling ko totohanin nila. Like nung bata pa kami ang higpit nila sa pera tapos ngayon...ganyan?

Tapos yung mother ko, nagbibiro na ipagdrive kami sa honeymoon namin like...!?!?!??! naka-3x ata siyang magbiro ng ganun and I said no everytime. Idk sobrang patola ko na napipikon ako sa lahat ng biro nila. It's on me, I know.

Sorry for airing my dirty laundry here. Ilang araw na rin siya bumabagabag sakin, gusto ko balikan ung planning kasi onting araw nalang yung event pero marami pa rin kaming kulang. Wrong timing yung pagkawala ng gana ko and ayoko rin naman maging disaster yung event namin kasi feeling ko magrereflect samin yun as a couple, pero idk meron ba dapat kaming iplease lol. Hopefully, by letting my heart out here, makamove forward ako and continue with the planning and all.

wow so kaka-rant ko lang pala netong March. hahaha

hello kween bitch main character here. I have another story to tell.

So recently ang active ko magpasa pasa ng mga resumes to different companies.

And guess wat...andito pa rin ako sa kumpanyang to yay hahaha

I had my first interview last June. 1st interview mula nung last year I think. it was referral. Feeling ko chance ko na yun makaalis sa osned. mataas ang chance na ma-hire.

ayun, ligwak.

And i felt it na fail ako nung interview palang. Iniyakan ko siya. took me weeks para makamove-on. Hell, hanggang ngayon ata bitter pa rin ako.

But I tried to push.

I had another interview from a well-known company. It was...pano ba, luck? Kasi wala nagrefer sakin sa company na yun pero nagulat ako na tinawagan ako ng HR for an interview. So I tried. Pero sabi niya lang Component Engineer. Nung nagsend na siya ng invitation, Senior level pala ang hanap. But I still tried.

Pero puro sagot ko, I have no experience.

Other interviews were phone calls from HR. Wala masyado nagproceed to next step.

Then nagparefer ako ulit, another well-known company na mag-eexpand sa Batangas. Senior post ulit. I tried again last week lang. Haven't heard from then since. Assume ko nalang na rejected. Ganun pa rin, no experience.

I think marami na ako napasahan ng resume (pero hindi pa abot sa 100+) but mostly ay seen, viewed. Shortlisted pero no feedback. Downloaded pero no feedback rin.

Mahina loob ko. So it took a toll on me upon remembering the facial expressions of the interviewers na nadidisappoint sa sagot ko, everytime I answer "I have no experience po". It felt like I wasted their time and feeling ko rin apaka-bobo ko. What have I been doing in 4 years? Should I still push my luck? What if wala naman talaga ako palag, nagpupumilit lang ako?

I also found questioning myself like "matalino naman ako diba? honors nung elem, science high, tamad nung college pero minsan nakakalamang sa iba. Bakit di ako matanggap?" "Kaya lang ba ako naghahanap kasi ayoko isipin ng iba sakin na I don't know better, na nagpapakatanga ako sa kumpanyang to, nagpapaexploit? Or baka iniisip na nila na 'Ay si Jan, mahina naman yan sa elecs, di na yan makakaalis sa denso, di yan matatanggap satin'" Umabot na rin ako sa point na iniisip ko kung bakit ako natanggap sa kumpanyang to, considering na ang hirap nung entrance exam.

I didn't want to dwell on those thoughts longer so I decided to stop muna. Iniyak ko muna lahat (I think) nung Sunday and decided to move on. Pahinga muna sa pagpasa ng resumes and decided to just do better at my job, sa pag-aaral ng Nihongo, sa pagmanage ng time, sa pagset ng boundaries.

Pero di na ako umaasang magiging super technical engineer pa ako. Nakakaiyak pa rin siya isipin. Naiinggit ako kapag nakikita ko ibang team members na nagkakalikot ng product, nagtetest, nagaanalyze ng report, pero I think I have to accept na wala akong affinity sa ganung area. I thought to myself na gagalingan ko nalang sa Nihongo para, maybe, someday magamit ko sya as sideline. I don't know.

Nalulungkot pa rin ako. Pero I have to push through kasi marami pa akong luho na kelangang sustentuhan lol

marineliene

Di ako makatulog, and I'm here overthinking malala na naman esp sa career.

Kwento ko lang nagpapa-overthink sakin. Sooo, it's my 4th year in this JP company (2 years nang panay nagsasabi sa sarili na magreresign na ako) that helps fulfill my HS dream of being able to communicate in JP...kaso basic lang lol nakakatamad na kasi mag-aral. And also, I was recently promoted to Project Team Lead yay. And also, mas nalalapit na ang opportunity for business trip, right?...right? *insert amidala meme*

Wrong. haha. and I feel like the opportunity was proactively taken away from me. Pero mali ko lang din na umasa ako. And I'm tired. charot.

Anyways, how did it happen? So ayun. Actually marami pa talaga kami nakapila for BT. And like nung si Mam V pa ang Lead namin, napagkasunduan na rotation ang gagawin for BT, like kahit di mo project, basta next in line ka na, ikaw na sunod ipapadala. BT is mostly educ/training para sa new work so no worries I think. Hindi rin naman kami (at that time) very exclusive lang sa isang project. Like, anyone can work on a certain project depende kung saan need ng support/manpower. And ayun nga, yung senior ko na 1year ahead sa akin ang next in line. Kaso pandemic happened and nacancel yung project. It took at least 2 years para magka-abundance ulit ng projects pero mostly Expatriation opportunities ang nag-oopen. Then within that 2 years, marami rin nagresign sa team namin. Currently, 2 kaming waiting for next BT opportunity (PTL din siya). And yung isa is not open/ayaw mag-BT so eto ako umaasa na sakin ibigay.

Currently, may inaacquire na project na mukhang rich in knowledge and experience. Yung previous senior ko na kakaresign lang, ako ang vinouch for the project. Then yung 2 current expats ay nagsuggest na maghati kami ni co-worker sa project. The 2 expats are very supportive na magka-BT opportunity kami. btw, meron kami each project ni co-worker but both are stabilized na kasi so minimal supervision nalang ang kelangan dun. Umay na rin kami sa puro drawings haha naghahanap na rin kami ng technical work.

Si current supervisor nag announce na ididiscuss nya daw ang new organization sa team namin sa next team meeting which is Friday, March24. Pero nadiscuss na nung Tuesday March 21 kay other co-worker then diniscuss na sa kanya na siya ang ipapadala for BT so she needs to prepare. Nag-antay ako within that week for a separate meeting sa org to maybe discuss din at hingin ang opinion ko...pero walang dumating na invitation.

Tbh, I was heartbroken. I'm not saying di deserve ni co-worker yung opportunity pero ako yung panay request ng technical work since time immemorial, ako yung very open, very willing maipadala sa Japan. Pwede namang 2 kami sabay ipadala for BT since may need rin naman siya iacquire na certain task para sa project niya. Pero ang ginawa nila is tinambak kay co-worker yung current and new project. Di rin siya masaya since 2 projects na hahawakan niya and, although stabilized, matindi pa rin workload ng current project niya tapos madadagdagan pa ng isa tapos 1k lang nilamang ng sahod niya sakin. sinabi nalang din niya na di pa updated ang passport niya.

I could just wait for co-worker na magsabi kay SV at TL na tanggihan niya yung opportunity and maybe sakin ioffer yung project right? Kahit acquire lang gagawin...Pero it felt wrong. If inoffer sakin, like, ang dating is I am the alt option, and I don't know why it feels degrading. And also, I'm not just mad at the missed BT opportunity, I'm mad kasi there goes my chance of improving my knowledge sa electronics. So ayun, kapag inoffer sakin, baka di ko na i-grab kasi "bakit ko tatanggapin yan di ko naman project yan". yan kunwari kween bitch tayo.

"kung sakin niyo agad binigay yan, di sana kayo mahihirapan ngayon" HAHAHA CHARING PA-IMPORTANT YARN #IAmTheMainCharacter

And napaisip din ako na bakit kaya hindi ako yung pinili. Mas magaan naman workload ko. Iniisip ko nalang din na baka dahil di naman ako okay sa elecs (compared kay co-worker), di rin okay attendance ko, 9am na ako pumapasok (pero flexible naman kasi kami), minsan ko nang naditch sa meeting si SV, lagi ako nagpapasupport sa meetings with Manufacturing (kasi tangina naman di ko talaga alam isasagot sa mga tanong e, kakasalpak lang sakin sa Mfg shits). Dahil din ba sa padating na new Devt, pero yawa antagal pa non. Wala rin BT opportunity don, kahit si Mam V (expat rep) walang nababanggit na opportunity sa project ko.

Baka nga di ako okay performer...pero it still hurts. I feel echapwera-ed.

It's not like pinapagpitch or interview din kami to fight for the project, like state the reasons bakit namin ibibigay to sayo. Wala, basta nalang nagdecide si SV tapos di niya pa kinonsider suggestions ng ibang leaders. Sabi pa ni Mam V, sayang yung 1hr meeting na nag-usap sila about new organization, di rin naman tinake consideration yung suggestions nila. Nagkagulatan nalang din nung pinakita na. 3 nag-agree sa hati-project setup, 1 unknown kung ano nasa isip, ayun, yung 1 ang nanalo.

And right now, feeling ko, tumaas nga position ko, pero I feel more stuck than ever. If ever man may dumating na technical opportunities, magfofocus na ako sa management and not on the operation kasi nga Lead na rin position ko, and I'll give away the learning exp to subordinates.

Ayun. Hindi ko na feel mag-effort at mag-oty para sa kumpanyang to.

I hope to never forget that day, that week, that moment of heartbreak and weariness so that mapush ko sarili ko to look for greener pastures.

Yun lang bow.

TLDR di ako yung piniling maglead sa project kaya goodbye elecs knowledge at BT opportunity so hopefully goodbye na rin ako sa kumpanyang to.

marineliene

Also, I'd like to add. Di ata sila kinakabahan na aalis ako? like nag-rant lang out of the blue si co-worker kay TL na "sir pagod na ako pag ako napuno magreresign ako", panic mode na agad sila at nagpameeting pa and all para pag-usapan yun. hahaha

ako? dinadaan ko nalang sa biglaang leave or WFH or late pasok (para maaga out) or undertime para lang maibsan yung nafifeel kong pagod and umay and burnout...and napaisip ako na di ba sila kinakabahan sa mga ganun ko? nobody asked how i'm doing? like, everyday i'm lost sa gagawin and no one is there to guide me, wala akong ma-shadow just so i know what to do.

haha bottomline i dont feel special sa team. i feel dispensable. oh well, sila din mahihirapan pag nakaalis na ako.