I'D RATHER BE ME.

[massivelez]

so raise your right finger and solemnly swear  ━

🎨 ind. 𝙅𝘼𝙉𝙄𝙎 '𝙄𝙈𝙄'𝙄𝙆𝙀 from 𝙈𝙀𝘼𝙉 𝙂𝙄𝙍𝙇𝙎 '24. written by cj (25+, she/her), sideblog to @doomdays, affiliated with @massivedeal.

  ━ whatever they say about me, i don't care.

[massivelez]

hey @massivedeal

[massivedeal]

it should probably be her turn to hate janis after learning that every bad thing that's happened to regina since the arrival of cady heron was encouraged by her, but she gets it. she was horrible to her, so regina understands the need for revenge. in fact, a part of her actually admires it, honestly, even if it ended in her almost dying. that part wasn't janis' fault, at least, but entirely her own— if she hadn't been so blind to everything around her, focused only on herself, maybe she would have seen that bus coming. after a lot of medication and some self-reflection, she's come to the realization that she should change, or at least try.

regina's not sure what she's actually expecting from the apology. surely, too much has changed between them for the two of them to ever go back to the way they once were, especially after regina ruined the trust between them, all for reasons she's still not comfortable enough to explain— but maybe, for the first time in years, regina's less concerned in what's in it for herself and more focused on doing the right thing. over the years, she's lost sight of what that actually means, because there was a time when she'd had herself convinced that what she did to janis was right, because she was only trying to protect herself. but she realizes now that she could have handled it better, that even if she couldn't deal with being her friend anymore, she didn't have to turn her into a joke.

she's a little surprised that janis is even entertaining her at all, half-expecting her to just roll her eyes and walk away, the way regina would have done to her just weeks ago. but she's grateful, even if she's still not entirely sure what to say, where to begin. “ we'd have to share it, but yeah. ” even when she's trying to start an apology, it's hard for her not to be vain, but it's become a part of who she is, for better or worse. regina's used to compliments, but it's different coming from janis, making her stomach flutter in a way that terrifies her, the same way it did when they were kids, but she doesn't panic this time— and it's only partially because her medicine helps her mellow out.

“ i know it's, like... years overdue, but i wanted to apologize. for... everything. ” the kiss, the way she reacted afterward, the avoidance, the laughing at her behind her back, letting everyone think janis was just crazy and obsessed, because if she could convince the entire school that she was the one with the crush, then regina felt safe. but that's no excuse, because janis didn't deserve it. “ i was a bitch. ” that's no secret, not when that's what she's been called for years, but she owned it for the longest time, taking it as a compliment— but when she reflects on the way she treated janis, there's no sense of pride, only regret. “ you were probably, like, the only real friend i ever had. ” everyone after only seemed to want to be seen with her, not really caring for who she was as a person— which is fair, given that the person she presented herself as was just an image, even if she ended up becoming it eventually. “ i don't expect you to ever forgive me or anything, but i'm trying to be better, whatever, so i just... thought you should know i'm sorry. and i miss you. ” the last sentence leaves her mouth without permission, the medicine making it harder for her to think before speaking, but it's the truth, at least.

[massivelez]

every word she's ever heard regina mutter in the last few years  has made her angry or disgusted or disappointed in some way  —    but for once,   she doesn't hold her words against her this time.   maybe it's her current condition,   or maybe it's the truth to the words,   looking at how beautiful regina looks tonight,   how she actually seems like a real person for once,   that gives janis reason to ease up on her.    instead of scowling,    she simply offers a small smile,    nodding her head slowly.    ❝  sure,  ❞    she says quietly,    no harsh bounce back. 

whatever regina wanted to talk about,   an apology was the last thing janis was expecting—  ever.   regina george does not seem like the person who is willing to ever admit she’s wrong,   and if she knew that,   she definitely doesn’t seem like the person to apologize for it,   so janis is taken back,   her brows furrowing,   head tilting to the side curiously,   almost waiting for a punchline.    she waited for this day years ago,    but after everything that happened and the way it happened,  she was certain that an apology could never make up for anything that regina did.   she didn’t just abandon her;   she made a joke out of her,   made her out to be something that the whole school tried to use against her,   and worst of all,   she took her friendship from her.   she could handle being rejected by regina george,   she thought,    because maybe part of her always knew that was a shot in the dark—    but losing her friendship?   losing the girl she once knew?   she never really got over that. 

❝  yeah.  years,  ❞   she repeats,  stone-faced now as she tries to keep her walls up,   because as unexpected as this is,   she can’t let that distract her fro the fact that regina terrorized her in ways that will always stick with her,   no matter how far she’s come from it.   her eyes narrow in on her,   and she knows what she should do  —-   she should make regina tell her exactly what she’s sorry for,   because a word like that means nothing if regina isn’t willing to take accountability for all of it,   but janis,   no matter how brave she is,   isn’t sure she’s strong enough to actually hear it all recounted   (  she wasn’t even strong enough to hear damien tell all to cady;    it made her feel smaller than ever,  the wound still fresh whenever she’s forced to think about their past.  )  

she lets her go on,   looking away as regina says she was the only real friend she ever had.    that’s something she knew,   something she resented her for.   she saw regina walk around with her new friends and she could feel it,   the way they all lacked what janis and regina once had,   how easy it used to be for them to share all and find comfort in their unity,    not just a status.   that's why it was so easy to target her friends—  because she knew how fragile it seemed.   she wanted to watch regina’s life crash and burn,   she just hadn’t imagined she’d get hurt like this in the process,   and for that,   she feels bad,   but she’s not sure she's willing to give the same apology—   not when her own revenge party was a long time coming.    giving her the opportunity to talk at all is her form of an apology for the way it turned out,   because maybe regina deserves at least that much—-  even if she doesn’t deserve forgiveness.   

❝  i know,  ❞    she says honestly,   her shoulders slumping slightly as she takes a deep breath.     she takes in her words,   really forcing herself to debate it for a moment,    but she knows forgiveness isn’t on the table.    if regina is trying to change,  though,   janis isn’t going to tell her she can’t.   she wants her to—   but she has to see it to believe it, too,  even if they will never find any real clarity or peace with each other again.   her nose scrunches when she hears her say she misses her,   though,   definitely not expecting that much,   and before she can stop it,    a scoff falls from her lips.    

❝  god,  you really are fucked up on whatever they have you on,  ❞     she mumbles,   rubbing at her head before she braves herself to look up at her again.     part of her thinks she should just accept her words and move on with her night,   but now,    that ‘i miss you’ hangs in her head,   and she knows she won’t be able to shake it —-   if anything,   maybe she just wants to take advantage of this rare opportunity to actually have a conversation with her again,   because she knows it’s fleeting,   but it’s starting to make her heart race in a way she hasn’t felt since she stood up to her at the assembly,   and even this is different.    ❝  —-  i can’t forgive you, regina.  ❞    for once,   the word ‘regina’ doesn’t have a bite to it when it comes out of janis’s mouth.   it’s softer,   reminiscent to the way she used to talk about her friend in what feels like a world so far away now.    

so many words run through her mind,  everything she ever thought she’d say if she ever had the chance—-  but it’s hard to get them out now.     you tried to ruin my life but you failed,   you stole my best friend away but i bounced back,    you soured the biggest moment of my life but i still owned it,   you broke my heart and i never truly recovered.    her jaw clenches,   because she doesn’t think any of that will be as satisfying to say out loud as it once felt like it might be.    ❝   —  but it’d be nice.    seeing you try to be better,  ❞     she says,   admitting that she will pay attention,   that she wants to be there for her in some capacity,    even if it can’t be as a friend.   ❝   feels like i can almost see some part of my old friend in you tonight,  ❞    she admits,   because it’s something,    if she won’t let her have more than that.   

her tongue clicks at the roof of her mouth,    still stuck on her final words,   finding it hard to truly process them—-   the only reason she allows herself to even truly entertain them is because of what happened to regina,   because as much as she wanted to take her down and make her suffer,   she never wanted to lose her for good,  so final,  and she’s relieved she’s okay.   that has to count for something.    ❝   i miss the person i once thought you were.    before all this  .  .  .   bullshit.  ❞     no,   she was that person.    janis knows she once was.    but she has to keep some kind of distance,    can’t get too comfortable believing that her changing for the better might actually happen,   afraid that once she loses that brace,   she’ll go back to her pedestal,   and janis will be made out to be the fool once again.    she takes a deep breath,   shrugging her shoulders.    ❝   takes balls for regina george to say the word ‘sorry,’  though.   i didn’t know that was in your vocabulary.   ❞

[massivedeal]

she's trying to change. or maybe that's all the pain medication talking. she sees no other option, not when she's been dethroned, and deep down, she knows she has to. the cold and heartless act worked for a while, and she'll miss it, the way everyone looked at her— but it couldn't last forever, regrettably. there's a long list of people she owes apologies to, most of which she's unwilling to actually give, but at the very top of that list is @massivelez.

in a way, she was the start of it all, the reason that regina crafted the whole mean girl persona in the first place. while janis was proud of her sexuality, comfortable with who she was, regina wasn't. when she came out, regina had no issue with it, supported it, but then it got her thinking about herself: the feelings she'd had for her best friend finally began to make sense, the disinterest she had in boys her entire life falling into place, and it terrified her. she had to prove herself wrong, that she was only having those thoughts because she was curious, not because she actually liked her— the kiss did the opposite of that, only confirming her fears: she had a crush on her best friend. one she couldn't handle, because it meant embracing something about herself she wasn't ready to face yet, so she pushed janis away, turned cold, ruined everything, all to protect herself.

out of everyone, she's the most difficult to face. not just because of the neck brace that makes it hard to physically look at her, but the knowledge that janis doesn't owe her any of her time. she has every right to hate her, because regina's betrayal to her best friend is probably the worst thing she's ever done— but that's why she has to apologize. and if janis doesn't accept it, at least she has the pain meds to soften the blow. “ nice suit. it fits you. ” the compliment's genuine, unlike all the fake ones she'd hand out before, only to roll her eyes and laugh the moment the receiver turned their back. “ can we talk? ”

[massivelez]

love and hate go hand in hand   —    the only way janis could hate regina the way she learned to the last few years is because she used to love her.     it's one thing to lose a friend,   it's another to watch her change right in front of her eyes,   especially into someone so cold,  so bitter,  so awful.     everyone in this school seemed to have a certain perception of regina george  ---  and janis bought into it,  too,   but that's exactly why it was so hard to accept,    why all her hurt and bitterness and resentment still suffocated her,   even so many years later:    because she knows who regina used to be.    and while everyone around her seems desperate to seek regina's validation  —    janis may be the only person who really knows what it was like to be loved by her,    and there's no greater feeling,    nothing more satisfying,  more ethereal than that,   but it was gone too quickly.     regina's  support was once the thing that made janis feel the most free,   gave her the most hope,   and regina weaponized it against her,   turning it sour.    janis refused to let it break her,   only allowing herself to feel more pride in who she was despite it all   —    but that did nothing for the ache in her heart that regina left when she broke it.   

for years,   she and regina avoided each other entirely;   janis had nothing left to say to her anyway,   or at least she thought,   until cady came along and gave her the perfect opportunity to finally claim her revenge.   it got obsessive,   the way janis was so determined to make a point,   to use cady as a window to regina,   the person janis claimed to not care about anymore.    and in some ways,  that was true  —    she didn't care about her,   didn't care what happened to her,   but then she got hurt,   and when she realized they could have lost her forever,   she didn't know how to keep going on with so much hate in her heart for someone who used to be so important to her.    she didn't know how to speak to her directly--   all she knew how to do was give her one small piece of comfort,   in the form of a plushie left outside her door amongst all the outpourings of love from everyone else,    but her gift didn't include her name,   part of her still feeling like regina didn't deserve to see it,   and another part of her holding onto hope that regina,  despite everything,   would understand anyway.   

regina looks beautiful tonight.   and not in the way that people have always called her beautiful,   or in the way that she normally carries herself as if no one can compare  —    she looks beautiful in a way that goes beyond her looks,   the mean exterior shedding enough to show janis a part of regina that she thought she'd never see again.   and maybe it's only temporary,   maybe once regina heals she'll go back to being the miserable self she's turned herself into these past few years,   but janis wants to believe that this is the start of something new  ---    and maybe they can never get their friendship back,   maybe that will never be who they are again,   but it would be nice,   not having to dread her presence everywhere she goes,   even if just to exchange a simple smile with her every once in a while ——   because when it's real,   regina's has always been janis's favorite.

janis has never been the kind of person to falter from an awkward situation,   and yet,   standing in front of regina now,   she feels herself freezing.   the compliment makes her weary —    but it makes her feel warm,   too,   in a way that she hasn't in so long.   but she forces herself to be casual about it,   not allowing it to mean too much,   just for her own sanity.    she smiles cooly,   her hands moving to her collars and sliding off of them as she gives her a nod.    ❝  too bad there's no crown for best-dressed,  huh?  ❞       making a casual joke to regina george feels strange,   a wave of nostalgia hitting her immediately that forces her to move on rather than dwell.    she wouldn't normally feel obligated to return a compliment,   but it feels right,    and maybe it's a small step towards actually checking in on her.    ❝  you look good,  too.   dress looks like .  . .  you.  ❞    or at least the regina that janis remember fondly,   not the one she always wished to avoid.   her brows furrow at the question,   looking back at her suspiciously.    it's not a bad idea   —    she's been dying to ask regina directly how she's doing,   but it hasn't been her place;   she just wasn't expecting regina to approach her like this herself.    ❝  sure  .  .  .  ❞     she mumbles hesitantly,   for the first time in a long time,  neither having the right thing to say or to impulsively blurt.