"Standing bare on the ground, --my head bathed by the blithe air and uplifted into infinite space, --all mean egotism vanishes. I become a transparent eyeball; I am nothing; I see all; the currents of the Universal Being circulate through me; I am part or parcel of God." - Ralph Waldo Emerson (at Arcata Marsh & Wildlife Sanctuary)
Last night I ate 1.5 grams of psilocybin mushrooms with a good friend. Lately Iāve been a little nervous about exploring psilocybin consciousness, a paranoid side effect of the high-dose panic attack āsurrenderā trip I wrote about previously, but yesterday I felt courageous, open, and willing to submit myself once again to the unknown.
(photo credit: Martin Hartley)
Fast forward an hour and a half into the trip: Sitting with eyes closed in my friendās quiet living room, I briefly entered a mental space that had a very serene, gentle quality to it. I seemed to have been transported into a field of nothing but soft white light. Briefly, the outlined figure of a human meditating in lotus posture came into view in the middle of this peaceful yet powerful psychic space. I experienced some sort of sensation/intuition/thought that this wasĀ ānothingness,ā and that this was always here, some sort of featureless supreme force behind all manifestations, all form. I was not aware of myself, my breathing, or any sound. The space seemed to be utterly silent, with no one in it, save the momentary glimpse of the figure meditating. That figure seemed to imply that this field is accessible in the meditative state and that this sense of supreme peace and lightness is accessible regardless of physical circumstances.
This visit to the world of ānothingā was a quick stay, maybe 30-40 seconds, just long enough to cement the image in my mind. Back in the living room, I shared the experience with my friend and started playing with the idea ofĀ ānothing.ā
āWEāRE JUST A BUNCH OF NOBODIESā¦
ā¦DOING NOTHINGā¦
ā¦IN NOWHEREVILLE!ā
This last year Iāve read and re-read Ram Dassā metaphysical classicĀ āBe Here Now.ā Itās a hippie bible of sorts, chock full of enlightening truths from both ancient and modern schools of thought. My condensed understanding of the bookās primary message is this: All is one, everything isĀ āGod,ā and the only thing preventing you from experiencing eternal union with the source of all love and light is your mental prison, the stubbornly persistent illusion that you are a person, a poor little āmeā somehow separate from the whole of existence. Alan Watts explains the true nature of self with the idea that our lives are but waves in the infinite ocean of being. We come out of the earth and are a part of it. Much like how an apple tree produces apples, the universe produces people.
If you follow the idea of cosmic unity to its pragmatic ends, one realizes that there is nothing to do. Everything just happens, including the process you callĀ āI.ā
This is a very far-out concept for most folks. Most of us modern humans are raised to believe that we have some sort of control over our lives. It is such a deeply-ingrained illusion that it sounds utterly stupid to claimĀ āthere is nothing to do.ā
āWhat the hell are you talking about, Mr. Stoned Philosopher? Nothing to do? How the hell you gonna make a living if you donāt do anything? Didnāt you eat those mushrooms?Ā Didnāt you choose to sit down and type these thoughts?Wasnāt it your choice to illustrate a counterpoint with an imaginary objector in quotation marks?ā
I am typing, but āIā am not typing. Life is typing through me.
Meanwhile, my inner left-brained skeptic self is screaming āOOH YOUāRE SO DEEP, ARENāT YOU? WOW, SO METAā¦ā
On the surface, it seems obvious that we can control our destiny: if I want a glass of water, I can choose to get one. I can choose to go over to the sink, fill a glass, and drink. However, if you really stop and think about what ādecisionsā are, it seems that they are cleverly-disguised split-second impulses. One can never truly take into account all the infinite factors that might go into making the ābestā decision. My desire for a glass of water seems to be a reaction to feeling thirsty, which is a sensation that happens beyond my control. I don't choose to be thirsty, the sensation just comes into my awareness. There are so many aspects of our lives that we have zero control over: we donāt choose where weāre born, we donāt choose the thoughts that enter our minds, and we never know exactly whatās going to happen next. Nature just happens, your thoughts just happen, your emotions just happen, and your understanding happens according to every experience that happens to you.Ā
In simpler words, you donāt live your life, life lives you.
The experience you call āIā just happens.
So does the eventual, inevitable dissolution of the idea ofĀ āI,ā thank God!
Throughout my whole life, I have strived to make the right decision, to live an ethical life, to love others and make the world a better place. Iāve always felt an enormous pressure toĀ ādo the right thing.ā However, the more I realize that itās not reallyĀ āmeā doing anything, the more I experience this ridiculous lightness of being. I sometimes find myself cracking up, laughing to the point of tears at the absurdity of it all. All I gotta do is watch! Just watch the whole fucking drama unfold! All the pressure of making the right decision just dissolves and blows awayā¦
As I slowly become more attentive to this beautiful blooming of life, I allow the spirit of life to flow through my being with less and less resistance. ITāS ALL JUST HAPPENING! All Iāve got to do is just let it happen, which is essentially doing nothing! Just watch it unfold! Watch yourself happen!
And dig it!
(For more information, check out Ram DassāĀ āBe Here Now,ā Nothing, this Wiki article on the Taoist notion ofĀ āWu wei,ā and meditate)
"Let children walk with Nature, let them see the beautiful blendings and communions of death and life, their joyous inseparable unity, as taught in woods and meadows, plains and mountains and streams of our blessed star, and they will learn that death is stingless indeed, and as beautiful as life." -#JohnMuir (at Santa Cruz Mountains)
If you're lookin' for a new š in your life, I highly recommend any/all of these: ā¢"Breakfast of Champions" - Kurt Vonnegut ā¢"Food of the Gods" - Terence McKenna ā¢"Think On These Things" - J. Krishnamurti ā¢"Be Here Now" - Ram Dass š„ ā¢"The Book On The Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are" - Alan Watts ā¢"The Third Eye" - T. Lobsang Rampa ā¢"2012: The Return of Quetzalcoatl" - Daniel Pinchbeck ā¢"Drumming At The Edge of Magic" - Mickey Hart ā¢"The Power of Myth" - Joseph Campbell **this post inspired by @wilbo_bagginz 's music recommendations** What have YOU been reading lately? Share in the comments! #readmorebooks #staylit
A few nights ago, the universe taught me a heavy but much needed lesson.
After all my housemates went to sleep for the night, I thought it would be a grand idea to consume a large quantity of hallucinogenic mushrooms. In fact, the most Iāve ever eaten. In my absolutely laughable conception of self, I consider myself an amateur psychonaut, or explorer of altered states of consciousness. I seek unusual realms of experience in the pursuit of broadened understanding and different perspectives on the mysteries of life. My past experiences with psychedelics have completely reshaped my perspective on life and I feel a much more persistent sense of inner peace than I used to. Further probing into these realms of altered awareness has proved to be extremely insightful. Iāve eaten psilocybin mushrooms a handful of times, but never a large dose. After learning about the ancient history of psychoactive mushroom use, I grew more curious about the spiritually-transformative effects often reported after consuming bigger quantities. After watching several YouTube videos of legendary psychonaut/philosopher/author Terence McKennaĀ the day prior, I thought it would be just a wonderful idea to consume what is sometimes called a āhero dose,ā or 5 dried grams of psilocybin mushrooms, alone, in silent darkness.
āYou can get a non-human perspective on human issuesā - Terence McKenna
With this potent prescription, McKenna reports being able to communicate verbally with the galactic intelligence of the mushroom spirit. He could ask it questions and it would reply in easy-to-understand English. To anyone not familiar with the far-outĀ world of psychedelic experience, this sort of trans-species shamanic dialogue seems batshit crazy, but I ate it up with cat-killing curiosity. Iāve experienced some physics-defying āmiraclesā before and I couldnāt put it past the realm of possibility to be able to communicate directly with a conscious entity of another biological kingdom. Sir Terence recommends eating this dose on an empty stomach and steering the trip with cannabis. When things get a little heavy, or you find yourself lost to fear, simply spark up a J to change course and center yourself a bit.
With the words of my psychedelic forefathers in mind, I ate my hefty dose, rolled several joints, and, with zero foresight, decided to take a quick nap before the storm rolled in. After roughly an hour, I woke and sparked the first joint to attempt to usher in the beginning of the mushroom journey. I remember very little of what happened next. I think the nap was a very poor move, because I awoke in a groggy state, immediately got weed-stoned, and then proceeded to get slammed by the mind-melting train of psilocybin perception. There was no moment of clarity before the storm rolled in; half-asleep I set sail to the mercy of the cosmic seas.
I donāt remember any wild visuals or super-profundo revelations in the beginning of the trip, but the next thing I do remember was feeling a sort of mental claustrophobia. Like my head was becoming denser. Thinking back to McKennaās advice that weed can recenter a trip, I reached to spark another joint but couldnāt seem to find my lighter. I panicked a bit because I saw weed as my captainās wheel. I thought, āno lighter, no mary jane, no control,ā and I frantically searched around my bed. Despite my tense energy, I tried to be as quiet as possible as not to wake my roommate. Thatās right, I had decided to embark on this hair-raising trip with my roommate/good friend passed out in the next bed over, thinking Iād manage just fine and wouldnāt interrupt his slumber. Probably not the best idea, but you live and you learn, right? After another minute or two of very antsy and ineffective searching, I accepted that the lighter had been hidden by supernatural forces and I would have to direct my attention elsewhere. I kept thinking about lighters though. I managed to entirely forget in the moment the three other lighters in the room that I easily remembered in the morning, and also deemed it impossible to leave the house to the corner store without waking my other housemates. With seemingly zero access to my favorite herbal medicine, I felt imprisoned in a paranoid psychic hell. I just wanted to mellow out.
I was super, super, super high on mushrooms at this point, the point where everything you look at seems to be lined in shimmering rainbows and melting into everything else. I have forgotten some of the details of my looping thoughts, but I remember the sensation that they were growing tighter and tighter. I was swept up in an ever-accelerating fear feedback, and my body began to reflect this inner turmoil. Sweating bullets and breath racing, I felt utterly trapped in a state of heightened psychedelic insanity. Looking back, it seems like such an avoidable problem, but in the thick of it, the light of awareness had grown very, very dim. It felt like I was drowning in fear. It felt like I had zero control over my body and my mind.Ā I felt both paralyzed and about to explode. I was afraid to reach out for help, knowing my roommate had to get up at 5am for work, but I just had to make contact with a more peaceful consciousness to save me from this mental doom.
Head like a hurricane, feeling like death, I broke my fear of being a nuisance and called my roommateās name in a distressed whisper. He woke immediately: āWhatās up?ā
āI canāt really talk... aaagghhh... I am way too high right now and just need to hold someoneās hand.ā
āI gotchu dude.ā
We connected and I tried to explain myself, feeling the need to justify why I had to wake him in the middle of the night. I could barely get my words out.
āMy headās... Ā stuck in loops... feel like shit... aaaagghhhh...ā
He calmly reassured me, āitās okay dude, youāre okay, just breathe.ā
I felt like a helpless baby.
Heās seen me in some rough places before, but, in my head, this was easily our most intimate moment as friends. With a whirlpool mind and sweat-drenched body, I silently and fearfully latched onto his hand as if my life depended on it. It felt like it truly did.Ā
It took maybe 10 minutes before I began to come back down to earth. The calm energy of my friend helped still the frenzied thought-demons in my mind. My breathing finally started to slow and the mental storm clouds began to dissipate. The strange, strangling fear rolled away almost as suddenly as it had come. I was still very, very high, and still a bit dizzy, but the worst had seemed to pass. I ecstatically said to my friend,Ā āThank you, thank you, thank you! Dear God, thank you for being the best friend ever. I owe you my life.ā
Then I got up, went to the bathroom, took a very mystical sit-down piss, and, breathing in the fresh light of a different room, I slowly came back to my often-forgotten ācalm center.ā Iām here. Now. Breathing in, breathing out. Iām back. Iām alright. Itās all alright.
Feeling much better, I got back in bed, still very high, and a blissful sensation of gratitude swept over me like a warm summer breeze. Iām alive! Still here! Breathing too! Holy, holy, holy shit, that was awful, but man, I made it!Ā What was that?!?
I remember the wordĀ surrenderĀ popped into my head at this point, and I meditated on it for a while. Surrender. Surrender. S u r r e n d e r. I recalled that, during my little panic attack, I felt as though I had zero control over my entire being. Surrendering to the storm was the only option available, but I resisted it until the very end. It had felt like I was drowning in thought. When I finally did surrender, my fear immediately began to dissipate.
I realize now that I had entered the trip under the illusion that I have control over my destiny. I thought that I would be able to enter a highly-unstable mystic headspace and safely navigate any scary seas with the reliable help of my trusty friendĀ marijuana. I honestly thought I was going to just waltz stoned into the infinitely-bejeweled cosmic architecture of inner space, become lost in blissful ecstatic awe, and casually converse face-to-face with the essence of the fungal over-mind. Now thatās a trip! What an innocent and beautiful sandwich of bullshit expectations I had packed for my mental picnic! How could I think it would be so easy?
This trip reminded me that I must empty myself before I can receive. I came into this learning experience with a head full of expectation and I had that gorgeous rug of illusion violently pulled out from under me. Falling on my face, reduced to a pathetic speck of fried-out trembling fear, I was reminded that this life is not mine. I am just along for the ride, eternally at the whim of the cosmic plan. I thought I needed some far-out telepathic gnosis that evening, but in reality I needed an ego-check. More like an ego-beatdown.
Despite a persisting fascination with the possibility of experiencing the mystic wonders described by other mushroom voyagers, I am retrospectively more than satisfied with the dreadful ābad tripā I encountered. It humbled me and reminded me of the strength of the energies I am working with.
I see a little more clearly now that what happens to me is not up to me. My life is not in my control. The mental line drawn between āwhat I doā and āwhat happens to meā is arbitrary. They are one and the same. All I can really do is trust the process and just watch it. Itās always for good. Just watch it.Ā
And never forget to love it.
ā® ā„ ā
(Disclaimer: I do not advocate psychedelic use for everybody. The learning potential of these experiences depends on the mindset of the experiencer and the environmental context of the experience. They are not without risk, and some people are best never touching them. If you are curious about this realm of experience, I recommend erowid.org as a great starting point for personal research.)
Today I gotta give a big shout out to my homie Charles the wall. He's really stepped up to his new role as spiritual advisor for the boys and I feel we've grown a lot in his presence. Thanks for the vibes dude. #gratefulgram #wcw #nonhumanperson
Feelin very grateful this morning that the #hippiespeedball is now legal in Oregon. It continues to blow my mind that people here now have such easy access to this sacred plant. Big changes are happening!
Strolling stoned along a scummy city sidewalk, the being calledĀ āIā swims subconsciously in a silty swamp of streaming thoughts. In flows anxiety, insecurity, longing, past struggles, future dreams, and IĀ float fearfully along in my cloudy mental river. I wander and wander and am nowhere to be found. Lost in the aimless haze of my mindās eye, it feels like ages before that little sage in my head finally speaks his mystic message: āWelcome back.ā And Iām back. Here I am! Breathing in, breathing out. Feeling this present step. And this one. Aaand now this. Back here in the present, the eternal now, my often-forgotten permanent address. Iām still floating but the rideās a little smoother. I donāt get so hung up on the bumps in the road. I know Iāll drift off again, I always do, but I see itās okay. You must know blurriness before you can know clarity. You must get lost before you are found. Grateful for the deepening mystery, I float along.
Iāve never really spilled my thoughts publicly on the internet before, but I feel a compelling urge to let loose and allow my fingers to transform these sensations into sharable text. These earthly lives are too short not to share oneās heart all the time, and I think that maybe, just maybe, someone will read something here and it will bring joy to their life. If not, Iām still going to have a great time practicing the art of written communication and clarifying my worldview in the process. I have undergone a potent inner transformation in the last few years, coming to a much more peaceful state of being, and I feel the need to share my journey with the world. My only hope is that I might truthfully share the blazing fire in my heart. Remember to take these words with a grain of salt, for I am just one perspective in this infinitely-faceted diamond of a universe. You must find your own truth at your own pace. This is mine. Thanks for joining me on this journey.Ā ā®
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