2019 was a shitty year but 2020 is even shittier
This was originally posted on my Facebook but I thought I should share it here too. I wanna vent, y'all. I rarely share what i'm going through on social media because I prefer to fight my own demons on my own but FUCK IT, i'm tired. Whatever. This is gonna be a lengthy post so bear with me. I'm going through a roller coaster ride of emotions at the moment. Here, let me elaborate what i'm having a 'break-it-down yo' moment for: 2019 was a shitty year but 2020 has proven to be MUCH SHITTIER. I thought 2020 would be the year that I would FINALLY get my shit together, ya know? I was looking forward to go to school after several semesters of dreading to go to class. I was so determined to make this my year and I was not going to have it in any other way. But here comes this asshole, 2020. All my plans I laid out just got cancelled, postponed, and put on hold. So much for 'getting my shit' together, I guess? I'm emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually drained. I cannot explain how or why. I just feel like I am. At times, I do not know if it's because I have an auto-immune disease (Psoriasis) that makes me feel more fatigued than the normal person. I feel extremely lethargic 24/7. I've adapted sleeping for long hours (maximum is 12-14) and staying up late at night to make up for the day I lost. Even after sleeping for 12-14 hours a day, I still feel extremely tired and lethargic. For several years, I struggled with doubting myself ALL THE TIME. I've lost my passion for everything I used to love doing - training, swimming, dancing, and writing. Over the years, I lost interest in everything I thought I was good at. I gave up on so many things I wanted to pursue because I thought I would not excel or be good enough. At one point (or in this case, several points), I avoided standing out or exerting myself into any situation that would require public speaking or socializing. I began to hate it with a burning passion I had no idea I was ever capable of. I will never understand how I can post bullshit tweets and posts when I can't even construct a decent sentence for my school work. Did all those years of writing creatively (during my HS days) just drain my writing abilities or is this just the aftermath of having depression for several years now? I still have to write for my research proposal some time in the future and just the thought of it makes me want to cry. *screams internally* If anxiety was a person it would most likely be me. I break down whenever i'm under pressure. It might not seem believable because of the way I portray myself on social media but seriously, who wants to be seen as weak anyway? I suppose that's also another reason why people never take me seriously? I do have the tendency to have a dark or morbid sense of humor. Perhaps that's another reason why people think i'm just fooling around when i'm not. My anxiety made me so scared to take chances. I will always regret missing out on so many wonderful opportunities because my anxiety got in the way. I will always regret the things I did not do and the things I wish I could have done differently. I will always wonder about the 'what if' and the possible outcomes it could have given me. Just when I thought that was it, my eating disorder came back again to rear its ugly head. Depression + Anxiety + Eating Disorder = Deadly Triumvirate. AMAZING (take note of the sarcasm there). I keep going through one problem after another and old issues keep on resurfacing. When will I ever get a break from it all? I've had enough at this point. I genuinely want to believe that whenever a door closes, a new one will open but at the current state of my mental health, I don't know if I still have faith left in that. But gotta carry on, ya know? What other choice do I have anyway? Every man for themselves, am I right or am I right? It's not all that bad, I guess? On the bright side, i'm learning how to put up boundaries for myself because for most of my life, I just allowed people to do whatever they want. I've made some small progress. It's not much but progress is still progress at the end of the day. That's all I can talk about for now. My apologies if this seems all over the place. It's a reflection of what my thought process is like - all over the place.