I Wonder What Wouldâve Happened Had I Been Bitten By A Black Man?
Ok yâall, full disclosure, I donât like animals. If you know me you know that the ONLY reason I own a dog is because my daughter wanted a brother and I. Ainât. Goin.Â
There are many reasons for my dislike of animals, specifically domesticated ones:
I am allergic to everything.
I am apparently the only human that realizes YOU CAN NOT TAKE THE ANIMAL OUT OF AN ANIMAL!!! No matter how much training, love, or hot dogs you give it, itâs still a fuckin wild animal at heart.
Iâve been bitten by a dog before
Iâve been bitten by a cat before
Iâve been humped by a dog before while the owner looked on, intrigued
I donât like animals, fuck yâall, I donât need to explain myself.
But, since moving to SoCal Iâve tried to embrace the Whole Foods weirdos who put sweaters on their dogs in 60 degree weather cuz lil Fido is âchillyâ (ainât that why they got fur coats?), Iâve tried to feign interest in the breed of every mutt of every owner I am accosted by when Iâm waiting for my own mutt to shake the last piece of shit from his ass.Â
Random Whole Foods Weirdo -Â âHHHHOOOOOOOOOMERGERD! Heâs just so cute, whatâs your name lil fella? Whatâs your name...yeaaaaa youâre such a good boy...whatâs your name? Whatâs your name? WHAT. IS. YOUR....â
Me - âOhhhh...well shit I thought you was talkin to his ass. I was waitin for him to answer I thought you knew something I didnât...lemme find out I got a talkin dog biiiissssssshhhh...CHECKS! A-HA!â
âJake, his name is Jake...the dog.â
Who decided this was an appropriate social activity anyway? I donât even wanna be here while my own dog is taking a shit. Yâall want to have a shit social hour? This is the activity that brings about small talk and icebreakers?! Oh ok....
And yes, Iâve even gotten a little doggie of my own. A mixed breed I found in a box on the side of the 405 (or the pound, but, thatâs where they found him so, same difference). So, not only was I coming around, I was a fuckin dog hero! And this is how they chose repay me....
This morning, the fucking fire alarm went off in my building again. They are redoing the hallways and it has been happening at least once a week so most of the tenants donât even follow fire drill protocol anymore. BUT I DO! Fuck all that, I heed warnings. If itâs a siren blaring and doors slamming, Iâm OUT. Every time. Yâall can get trapped and burnt the fuck up if you want to but I will stop, drop and roll my black ass out that door EH-VUR-REE time. This morning, I was already dressed and ready to go since it happened later than usual. While I usually go out the back way when it goes off at 6AM and I still got my scarf and booty shorts on, I was like,Â
In My Head - âGirl, go out the front and catch them firefighters one time for the one time!â
So, as I sashay Shanteâd toward the front door, this...female...comes looking out her door talkin bout,
âWhatâs going on? Is there really a fire!?â
Me in my head -Â âI donât know bitch, but you gonna find out when your apartment is engulfed in flames ooooorrrrr you gonna take your happy ass outside like you supposed to do!?â
Me IRL -Â âNot sure, but I donât play wi-â
And thatâs when it happened. Lil Kujo comes from the portal of hell which I am sure is within that apartment, leaps from the free throw line and attacks my thigh meat. It happened so fast, I ainât even realize it until I felt the burn and realized this lil shit was attached to my thigh! I kicked him off and his ass was still growling and bouncing around the hallway while the owner is just standing in the doorway.
âWHAT THE FUCK BITCH GET YO DOG!â - IRL.
âOh my God, what, did he bite you, he doesnât bite!â
âYES THE FUCK HE DO BITCH WHAT YOU MEAN! ARE YOU NOT STANDING RIGHT HERE!?â
She grabs her dog and shuts her door and I start walking back to my own apartment and dialed up my baby daddy who was down the street at the Best Buy, wasting money,
âI just got bit by a fucking dog, bring your ass cuz Iâm bout to kill everybody and I need a white person hereâ
âYou can be, just BRING YO ASS!â
See, my baby daddy, Steve, has had a lot of experience with dogs but I have never had an animal and I had no idea what to do! And while he identifies with his Korean half, he still uses the white privilege half when itâs convenient so I figured, put on the hat...get some shit done!Â
The first time I got bit by a dog it was a stray in the hood so there was no one to hold accountable. A neighbor lady called animal control and they never came. But, who do you call when the little thug dog stays right down the hallway!?
So, Steve finally gets here and he calls his friend who got bit by a dog last year to find out what to do. She told us to call the police and they will send someone out from the animal police, below is a transcript of the callssssss, plural:
 âWest Valley Police, what is your complaint?â
âI just got bit by a dog in my building.â
âOk, let me transfer you to dispatch.â
*Hold music for 12 minutes*
âWest Valley Dispatch, what is your complaint?â
âYâall donât loop each other in before you answer the call? I just told...nevermind...I just got bit by a dog in my apartment building.â
âMycki, like the mouse but spelled M-Y-C-K-I.â
â.................................................no. Why would I call about my own dog? And I wish the fuck he would! It was a neighborâs dog.â
âOk, what is the address?â
âWhat kind of dog was it?â
âI donât know, a little mutt ass white dog, a terrier or something.â
âWas the dog on a leash?â
âNo, it was on my thigh.â
âI mean, prior to the bite.â
âNo, the lady opened her apartment door and it came leaping the fuck out and bit me on the thigh.â
âOh ok, do you know the dogâs name?â
âNo, the lady went in and never said its name, itâs probably Kujo.â
âWhat race is the owner?â
âIs this a real question? I donât know, not black. She had an accent, I donât wanna be racist and presume.â
âDidnât I just say...those arenât the only accents. I donât know. Apt. 117.â
âOk, we will go ahead and send someone out.â
So then I wait a little bit.
âHello, is this MEH - KAI?â
âHello, ok so we just spoke...â
âSo then I just told you my name is MYCKI?â
âNevermind...continue..â
âYes, we just spoke and I was calling to inform you that someone from the animal police will be contacting you shortly.â
âYou just told me someone was coming out? They not coming no more?â
âThey will call you first then come out.â
So then I wait a little longer....
âHello, is this MEH...MEH...Ms. Weddington?â
âHello, my name is Officer McStuffins from the West Valley Police Department, I understand you were bit by a dog this morning?â
âYes, I was bit by a dog.â
âWas the dog provoked?â
âThe fuck you mean!? Are you asking me if I was wearing something a little too suggestive or calling it names!? NO! The dog was not provoked. I was just walking past minding MY BUSINESS!â
âOk...why donât you tell me what happened?â
âI JUST TOLD THE GI--...DONâT YâALL TAKE NOTES OR --...Tuh. Ok. I was walking down the hallway. Lady came peeking out of her apartment. Dog came Lambeau leaping the fuck out the door. Clamped down on my thigh. Lady aint do shit. Told her to get her fuckin dog. She went in the house. Donât know the dogâs name. Probably Kujo. Dogâs breed? Little white mutt. I donât know what race she was but she wasnât black and she had an accent. I donât know what kind of accent it was, could have been Hispanic oooorrrr one of the other 1000s of kinds of accents, Iâm not a linguist. My baby daddy went back over there and a dude came to the door. So it might be a dude or a female. Apt. 117. It broke skin, thereâs a hole in my thigh, Iâm bleeding, Iâm wasting time which means Iâm wasting money and I donât like that shit, and now I might have rabies. The. End.â
âOk, so what weâre gonna do is send you something in the mail to fill out and then we will begin our investigations. We will call Health Services to quarantine the dog and will be in contact with you should we need anymore information.â
âUmmmm...Iâm sorry? Soooo someone is coming to get the dog right!?â
âNo, maâam. Not at this time.â
âWell, because we have to investigate first.â
*Thinking...thinking...thinking...*
âOk, so what happens if the dog bites someone else? Because there are a lot of families in this building and I have a daughter and if it would bite an adult unprovoked out of nowhere whoâs to say what would happen if it is around a rambunctious little bay bay?!â
âLike I said maâam, we will have to investigate before we can do anything.â
âIs this call being recorded?â
âOk, then understand this. If this dog bites me or any damn body during this âinvestigationâ, yâall will wish yâall had come to get this dog.â
â..........................ok maâam, we will investigate.â
Baby Daddy -Â âWhy would you saaaaaayyyyyy that!? Your black ass...you know these people love they dogs now you on tape threatening a dog! Oh my god...you know you already on lists and shit!â
Me - âShut yo bitch ass up...I DONâT GIVE A FUCK! Iâm glad it was on tape! Cuz now if they come here and I got the little mutts head mounted on a stake in the front yard like Ned Stark they gon know it was they fault! Play the tape! I told yâall!â
BD -Â âOk...you donât give a fuck...we donât give a fuck.â
Me - âExactly...and you know whatâs crazy. If your ass had bit me...they woulda took you to jail! And if you was black...you know what...nuh unh...Iâm bout to call them back.â
âWest Valley Dispatch, whatâs your complaint?â
âYes, I just called about being bit by a dog this morning and at first yâall told me yâall were gonna come out and now Iâm being told noone will be out today and I have a problem with that. Somebody needs to come get this dogâ
âOk, yes, Ms. Weddington let me transfer you to the officer.â
âOfficer McStuffins, how can I help you?â
âHello, yes, I just talked to you and I would just like to know why no one is going to come get this dog? Because as I said, I have a child here and this dog has got to go. I canât.â
âMaâam we have to investigate and determine whether or not removal of the dog is necessary.â
âSoooooo youâre telling me the dog is innocent until proven guilty!? The dog got human rights now? Is there someone else I can talk to a supervisor or something cuz maybe you donât know the laws, you could be new, I donât know, can I speak to someone else?â
âUhhh thereâs no one else here right now.â
âOk, so when can I call back? When does someone else get in?â
âUuuhhhh you can call back around 3.â
â3PM!? Yâall donât start workin til 3PM!?â
âWell, thatâs when the lieutenant will be back maâam.â
âOk sir, just try to understand this for me. This is a dog, right? Dogs only have one dog law to follow: Donât bite nobody! Ok, so you are tellin me this motherfucker breaks his only dog law and he out, no bail, heâs just free?â
âYes maâam. We canât remove the dog until the investigation is complete.â
âOk, I understand that but that donât make it any less dumb as fuck. Cuz if I bit someone yâall would arrest me, right?â
âAnd then, you would investigate AFTER I was arrested, right?â
âOk so, follow me now, I just wanna know if you think this shit is as dumb as I think it is. Cuz you have got to see this stupid shit for what it is, like youâre a person, right. Ok, so my baby daddy is here right now, you are telling me that had I called you and told yâall that he bit me, yâall would come out here and arrest him, right? But A DOG did the ONE thing itâs not supposed to do, like dogs can piss and shit outside...nothing happens, sexually assault people, places, and things...nothing happens, this lil nigga had ONE job and he fucked up and yâall aint bout to come get him until AFTER the investigation. Just tell me, on this recorded line, do you realize how fucked up that is!?â
âOk, at least you could say that shit. I wonder what would happen had I been bit by a black man...â
âHello...hello...............â
I thought of what would have happened had it been any man, or any person for that matter. It would have been assault. It would have been domestic violence or sexual harassment. I thought of what would have happened had I actually killed the dog? 3-5 minimum? But in light of recent events, I specifically thought of what would have happened had it been a black man or a black person, who bit me instead of a dog. Cuz damn, we already out here gettin killed for selling loosies and CDs and having our legal firearms concealed on our person and âroutineâ traffic stops; no tickets, no investigations, just shots.Â
This is the problem with the police structure; humans are regarded with less respect than dogs. This little mutt got alllllllll the benefit of the doubt but we get the doubt of the benefit. And that...no matter which way you slice it, is fucked up. And per Officer McStuffins, they know that shit too. A dog has more rights than you. A dog gets treated with more respect than you. A dog gets more due process than a fucking human! But yâall want me to respect that? Maaaaaaannnnn fuck yâall. And to little Kujo...Iâll see you in court my dude. Iâll. See. You. In. COURT!