M.T. Withington #iiamw

Just a regular girl with an extraordinary soul.

[mtwithington]

You’re Still Alive...Calm TF Down.

Hey guys. So, he won. I know we thought it was fucking impossible but, here we are. Emperor Trump will be sworn in in January and thems the breaks.  

I know how some of you must feel this morning. Defeated. Irrational. Unheard. Disrespected. I know how you feel because this ain’t my first rodeo. I’ve spent 29 years in a country that doesn’t agree with my humanity. I am a young, black, woman living in a country that has NEVER been governed with me in mind. I deal with damn near every ‘ism’ (racism, sexism, classism, etc) on a daily basis and I’m still here. I’m still cute. I still crack jokes everyday. I still help my daughter with her homework. I still write stories. I still listen to music and go to concerts. I still fuck (though not currently cuz I’m single AF…le sigh) What I’m saying is…I still live. 

And so will you. For some of you (on all sides), this may be the first time you’ve felt this type of rejection. This may be the first time you’ve had friends who don’t care to understand you. This may be the first time you’ve had family make you feel like a stranger. This may be the first time you’ve felt like an outsider in a country you once felt was home. And I empathize because I live it everyday.

But guess the fuck what!? I still thrive. I still make money. I still have a roof over my head. I still have goals. I still have dreams. I still have fun. I still have hope. I still eat good. I still love hard. 

I know you feel like the sky is falling but hear me out, the sky is a perspective. And it changes depending on who’s looking at it. When I look at the sky I see endless possibilities. I see my daughter graduating college. I see my face on the side of a bus for my first book tour. I see my brother opening his own dance studio. I see my best friend becoming the biggest musical influence of our generation. I see whatever the fuck I wanna see! Because it’s my fucking sky! I own my life. 

And so do all of you. So what do you choose to see when you look at your sky? Do you see a yuuuugggeee orange face peering from behind the clouds forcing you to not be shit!? Are you that big of a pussy that you’re going to allow any damn body to tell you how the fuck YOUR life is gonna go? Fuck that! DO YOU BOO BOO! Go paint or sing or run a marathon. Play with your kids or finish that business plan you’ve been dilly dallying with the last few years. If you’re really that mad, go start on your campaign for 2020 and be ready to give us THE ANSWERS! Go fall in love or break up with that nigga who’s been cheating on you for the past nine years. DO YOU! 

Because that’s really what counts. What you do with the life you’ve been given is the only vote that matters. I know, it’s hard especially for all my woke, white friends but go find y’all black friends today and laugh at their jokes. Cuz trust and believe we crackin jokes all day! One asshole don’t stop no show. Never has (see: 8 years of Bush) and never will. 

So, chill the fuck out. Go get a drink or smoke a blunt or have an orgasm. Or a smoothie, a vape pen and a tantric experience for all my LA peeps. Go fucking live…ain’t nobody stoppin you. 

[mtwithington]

You’re Still Alive...Calm TF Down.

Hey guys. So, he won. I know we thought it was fucking impossible but, here we are. Emperor Trump will be sworn in in January and thems the breaks.  

I know how some of you must feel this morning. Defeated. Irrational. Unheard. Disrespected. I know how you feel because this ain’t my first rodeo. I’ve spent 29 years in a country that doesn’t agree with my humanity. I am a young, black, woman living in a country that has NEVER been governed with me in mind. I deal with damn near every ‘ism’ (racism, sexism, classism, etc) on a daily basis and I’m still here. I’m still cute. I still crack jokes everyday. I still help my daughter with her homework. I still write stories. I still listen to music and go to concerts. I still fuck (though not currently cuz I’m single AF…le sigh) What I’m saying is…I still live. 

And so will you. For some of you (on all sides), this may be the first time you’ve felt this type of rejection. This may be the first time you’ve had friends who don’t care to understand you. This may be the first time you’ve had family make you feel like a stranger. This may be the first time you’ve felt like an outsider in a country you once felt was home. And I empathize because I live it everyday.

But guess the fuck what!? I still thrive. I still make money. I still have a roof over my head. I still have goals. I still have dreams. I still have fun. I still have hope. I still eat good. I still love hard. 

I know you feel like the sky is falling but hear me out, the sky is a perspective. And it changes depending on who’s looking at it. When I look at the sky I see endless possibilities. I see my daughter graduating college. I see my face on the side of a bus for my first book tour. I see my brother opening his own dance studio. I see my best friend becoming the biggest musical influence of our generation. I see whatever the fuck I wanna see! Because it’s my fucking sky! I own my life. 

And so do all of you. So what do you choose to see when you look at your sky? Do you see a yuuuugggeee orange face peering from behind the clouds forcing you to not be shit!? Are you that big of a pussy that you’re going to allow any damn body to tell you how the fuck YOUR life is gonna go? Fuck that! DO YOU BOO BOO! Go paint or sing or run a marathon. Play with your kids or finish that business plan you’ve been dilly dallying with the last few years. If you’re really that mad, go start on your campaign for 2020 and be ready to give us THE ANSWERS! Go fall in love or break up with that nigga who’s been cheating on you for the past nine years. DO YOU! 

Because that’s really what counts. What you do with the life you’ve been given is the only vote that matters. I know, it’s hard especially for all my woke, white friends but go find y’all black friends today and laugh at their jokes. Cuz trust and believe we crackin jokes all day! One asshole don’t stop no show. Never has (see: 8 years of Bush) and never will. 

So, chill the fuck out. Go get a drink or smoke a blunt or have an orgasm. Or a smoothie, a vape pen and a tantric experience for all my LA peeps. Go fucking live...ain’t nobody stoppin you. 

[mtwithington]

I Wonder What Would’ve Happened Had I Been Bitten By A Black Man?

Ok y’all, full disclosure, I don’t like animals. If you know me you know that the ONLY reason I own a dog is because my daughter wanted a brother and I. Ain’t. Goin. 

There are many reasons for my dislike of animals, specifically domesticated ones:

I am allergic to everything.

I am apparently the only human that realizes YOU CAN NOT TAKE THE ANIMAL OUT OF AN ANIMAL!!! No matter how much training, love, or hot dogs you give it, it’s still a fuckin wild animal at heart.

I’ve been bitten by a dog before

I’ve been bitten by a cat before

I’ve been humped by a dog before while the owner looked on, intrigued

I don’t like animals, fuck y’all, I don’t need to explain myself.

But, since moving to SoCal I’ve tried to embrace the Whole Foods weirdos who put sweaters on their dogs in 60 degree weather cuz lil Fido is “chilly” (ain’t that why they got fur coats?), I’ve tried to feign interest in the breed of every mutt of every owner I am accosted by when I’m waiting for my own mutt to shake the last piece of shit from his ass. 

Random Whole Foods Weirdo - “HHHHOOOOOOOOOMERGERD! He’s just so cute, what’s your name lil fella? What’s your name...yeaaaaa you’re such a good boy...what’s your name? What’s your name? WHAT. IS. YOUR....”

Me - “Ohhhh...well shit I thought you was talkin to his ass. I was waitin for him to answer I thought you knew something I didn’t...lemme find out I got a talkin dog biiiissssssshhhh...CHECKS! A-HA!”

*crickets*

“Jake, his name is Jake...the dog.”

Who decided this was an appropriate social activity anyway? I don’t even wanna be here while my own dog is taking a shit. Y’all want to have a shit social hour? This is the activity that brings about small talk and icebreakers?! Oh ok....

And yes, I’ve even gotten a little doggie of my own. A mixed breed I found in a box on the side of the 405 (or the pound, but, that’s where they found him so, same difference). So, not only was I coming around, I was a fuckin dog hero! And this is how they chose repay me....

This morning, the fucking fire alarm went off in my building again. They are redoing the hallways and it has been happening at least once a week so most of the tenants don’t even follow fire drill protocol anymore. BUT I DO! Fuck all that, I heed warnings. If it’s a siren blaring and doors slamming, I’m OUT. Every time. Y’all can get trapped and burnt the fuck up if you want to but I will stop, drop and roll my black ass out that door EH-VUR-REE time. This morning, I was already dressed and ready to go since it happened later than usual. While I usually go out the back way when it goes off at 6AM and I still got my scarf and booty shorts on, I was like, 

In My Head - “Girl, go out the front and catch them firefighters one time for the one time!”

So, as I sashay Shante’d toward the front door, this...female...comes looking out her door talkin bout,

“What’s going on? Is there really a fire!?”

Me in my head - “I don’t know bitch, but you gonna find out when your apartment is engulfed in flames ooooorrrrr you gonna take your happy ass outside like you supposed to do!?”

Me IRL - “Not sure, but I don’t play wi-”

And that’s when it happened. Lil Kujo comes from the portal of hell which I am sure is within that apartment, leaps from the free throw line and attacks my thigh meat. It happened so fast, I ain’t even realize it until I felt the burn and realized this lil shit was attached to my thigh! I kicked him off and his ass was still growling and bouncing around the hallway while the owner is just standing in the doorway.

“WHAT THE FUCK BITCH GET YO DOG!” - IRL.

“Oh my God, what, did he bite you, he doesn’t bite!”

“YES THE FUCK HE DO BITCH WHAT YOU MEAN! ARE YOU NOT STANDING RIGHT HERE!?”

She grabs her dog and shuts her door and I start walking back to my own apartment and dialed up my baby daddy who was down the street at the Best Buy, wasting money,

“I just got bit by a fucking dog, bring your ass cuz I’m bout to kill everybody and I need a white person here”

“I’m not white.”

“You can be, just BRING YO ASS!”

See, my baby daddy, Steve, has had a lot of experience with dogs but I have never had an animal and I had no idea what to do! And while he identifies with his Korean half, he still uses the white privilege half when it’s convenient so I figured, put on the hat...get some shit done! 

The first time I got bit by a dog it was a stray in the hood so there was no one to hold accountable. A neighbor lady called animal control and they never came. But, who do you call when the little thug dog stays right down the hallway!?

So, Steve finally gets here and he calls his friend who got bit by a dog last year to find out what to do. She told us to call the police and they will send someone out from the animal police, below is a transcript of the callssssss, plural:

1ST CALL

 “West Valley Police, what is your complaint?”

“I just got bit by a dog in my building.”

“Ok, let me transfer you to dispatch.”

*Hold music for 12 minutes*

“West Valley Dispatch, what is your complaint?”

“Y’all don’t loop each other in before you answer the call? I just told...nevermind...I just got bit by a dog in my apartment building.”

“What is your name?”

“Mycki, like the mouse but spelled M-Y-C-K-I.”

“Last Name?”

“Withington.”

“Was it your dog?”

“.................................................no. Why would I call about my own dog? And I wish the fuck he would! It was a neighbor’s dog.”

“Ok, what is the address?”

*Gives address*

“What kind of dog was it?”

“I don’t know, a little mutt ass white dog, a terrier or something.”

“Was the dog on a leash?”

“No, it was on my thigh.”

“I mean, prior to the bite.”

“No, the lady opened her apartment door and it came leaping the fuck out and bit me on the thigh.”

“Oh ok, do you know the dog’s name?”

“No, the lady went in and never said its name, it’s probably Kujo.”

“What race is the owner?”

“Is this a real question? I don’t know, not black. She had an accent, I don’t wanna be racist and presume.”

“Hispanic?”

“Didn’t I just say...those aren’t the only accents. I don’t know. Apt. 117.”

“Ok, we will go ahead and send someone out.”

“Ok...cool”

So then I wait a little bit.

2ND CALL (BACK)

“Hello, is this MEH - KAI?”

“Sure.”

“Hello, ok so we just spoke...”

“So then I just told you my name is MYCKI?”

“Huh!?”

“Nevermind...continue..”

“Yes, we just spoke and I was calling to inform you that someone from the animal police will be contacting you shortly.”

“You just told me someone was coming out? They not coming no more?”

“They will call you first then come out.”

“Oh ok...cool.”

So then I wait a little longer....

3RD CALL (BACK)

“Hello, is this MEH...MEH...Ms. Weddington?”

“Sure.”

“Hello, my name is Officer McStuffins from the West Valley Police Department, I understand you were bit by a dog this morning?”

“Yes, I was bit by a dog.”

“Was the dog provoked?”

“The fuck you mean!? Are you asking me if I was wearing something a little too suggestive or calling it names!? NO! The dog was not provoked. I was just walking past minding MY BUSINESS!”

“Ok...why don’t you tell me what happened?”

“I JUST TOLD THE GI--...DON’T Y’ALL TAKE NOTES OR --...Tuh. Ok. I was walking down the hallway. Lady came peeking out of her apartment. Dog came Lambeau leaping the fuck out the door. Clamped down on my thigh. Lady aint do shit. Told her to get her fuckin dog. She went in the house. Don’t know the dog’s name. Probably Kujo. Dog’s breed? Little white mutt. I don’t know what race she was but she wasn’t black and she had an accent. I don’t know what kind of accent it was, could have been Hispanic oooorrrr one of the other 1000s of kinds of accents, I’m not a linguist. My baby daddy went back over there and a dude came to the door. So it might be a dude or a female. Apt. 117. It broke skin, there’s a hole in my thigh, I’m bleeding, I’m wasting time which means I’m wasting money and I don’t like that shit, and now I might have rabies. The. End.”

“Ok, so what we’re gonna do is send you something in the mail to fill out and then we will begin our investigations. We will call Health Services to quarantine the dog and will be in contact with you should we need anymore information.”

“Ummmm...I’m sorry? Soooo someone is coming to get the dog right!?”

“No, ma’am. Not at this time.”

“Why not?”

“Well, because we have to investigate first.”

*Thinking...thinking...thinking...*

“Ok, so what happens if the dog bites someone else? Because there are a lot of families in this building and I have a daughter and if it would bite an adult unprovoked out of nowhere who’s to say what would happen if it is around a rambunctious little bay bay?!”

“A what?”

“A child.”

“Like I said ma’am, we will have to investigate before we can do anything.”

“Is this call being recorded?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Ok, then understand this. If this dog bites me or any damn body during this ‘investigation’, y’all will wish y’all had come to get this dog.”

“..........................ok ma’am, we will investigate.”

“You do that.”

Baby Daddy - “Why would you saaaaaayyyyyy that!? Your black ass...you know these people love they dogs now you on tape threatening a dog! Oh my god...you know you already on lists and shit!”

Me - “Shut yo bitch ass up...I DON’T GIVE A FUCK! I’m glad it was on tape! Cuz now if they come here and I got the little mutts head mounted on a stake in the front yard like Ned Stark they gon know it was they fault! Play the tape! I told y’all!”

BD - “Ok...you don’t give a fuck...we don’t give a fuck.”

Me - “Exactly...and you know what’s crazy. If your ass had bit me...they woulda took you to jail! And if you was black...you know what...nuh unh...I’m bout to call them back.”

4TH CALL

“West Valley Dispatch, what’s your complaint?”

“Yes, I just called about being bit by a dog this morning and at first y’all told me y’all were gonna come out and now I’m being told noone will be out today and I have a problem with that. Somebody needs to come get this dog”

“Ok, yes, Ms. Weddington let me transfer you to the officer.”

“Officer McStuffins, how can I help you?”

“Hello, yes, I just talked to you and I would just like to know why no one is going to come get this dog? Because as I said, I have a child here and this dog has got to go. I can’t.”

“Ma’am we have to investigate and determine whether or not removal of the dog is necessary.”

“Soooooo you’re telling me the dog is innocent until proven guilty!? The dog got human rights now? Is there someone else I can talk to a supervisor or something cuz maybe you don’t know the laws, you could be new, I don’t know, can I speak to someone else?”

“Uhhh there’s no one else here right now.”

“Ok, so when can I call back? When does someone else get in?”

“Uuuhhhh you can call back around 3.”

“3PM!? Y’all don’t start workin til 3PM!?”

“Well, that’s when the lieutenant will be back ma’am.”

“Ok sir, just try to understand this for me. This is a dog, right? Dogs only have one dog law to follow: Don’t bite nobody! Ok, so you are tellin me this motherfucker breaks his only dog law and he out, no bail, he’s just free?”

“Yes ma’am. We can’t remove the dog until the investigation is complete.”

“Ok, I understand that but that don’t make it any less dumb as fuck. Cuz if I bit someone y’all would arrest me, right?”

“Correct.”

“And then, you would investigate AFTER I was arrested, right?”

“Correct.”

“Ok so, follow me now, I just wanna know if you think this shit is as dumb as I think it is. Cuz you have got to see this stupid shit for what it is, like you’re a person, right. Ok, so my baby daddy is here right now, you are telling me that had I called you and told y’all that he bit me, y’all would come out here and arrest him, right? But A DOG did the ONE thing it’s not supposed to do, like dogs can piss and shit outside...nothing happens, sexually assault people, places, and things...nothing happens, this lil nigga had ONE job and he fucked up and y’all aint bout to come get him until AFTER the investigation. Just tell me, on this recorded line, do you realize how fucked up that is!?”

“Yes.”

“Ok, at least you could say that shit. I wonder what would happen had I been bit by a black man...”

*crickets*

“Hello...hello...............”

I thought of what would have happened had it been any man, or any person for that matter. It would have been assault. It would have been domestic violence or sexual harassment. I thought of what would have happened had I actually killed the dog? 3-5 minimum? But in light of recent events, I specifically thought of what would have happened had it been a black man or a black person, who bit me instead of a dog. Cuz damn, we already out here gettin killed for selling loosies and CDs and having our legal firearms concealed on our person and “routine” traffic stops; no tickets, no investigations, just shots. 

This is the problem with the police structure; humans are regarded with less respect than dogs. This little mutt got alllllllll the benefit of the doubt but we get the doubt of the benefit. And that...no matter which way you slice it, is fucked up. And per Officer McStuffins, they know that shit too. A dog has more rights than you. A dog gets treated with more respect than you. A dog gets more due process than a fucking human! But y’all want me to respect that? Maaaaaaannnnn fuck y’all. And to little Kujo...I’ll see you in court my dude. I’ll. See. You. In. COURT!

[mtwithington]

Maybe, I AM #MidnightMusings 9.2.16

The stagnation generation

We know

ANYTHING

About everything

EVERYTHING

About anyone

NOTHING

About ourselves

The whims of whores

change us

faster than the fict of “quotes”

blames us

But who is us?

Surely YOU are sure

What we stand for?

Who I am?

Tell me again?

Oh that’s right

I am a name

unidentified

Not a yes nor a no

Am I angry?

Maybe...

Am I justified?

Perhaps...

Today?

Or tomorrow...

I refuse to be your answer

when you never even asked

You tell me I’m not

as though

I’m yours

Google does not populate

lives

Worldstar does not gauge

growth

But you know

That one neighbor you

used to play with

in the street sometimes

told you so

Shall I bow or shuck?

Or fuck?

Let you have

your way

just so I can say

I’m free?

Allow you to

consume

my womb

just so I can be

a lady of liberty?

You wanna save me?

Am I a victim?

A martyr?

A sinner?

A blessing?

Maybe, I am.

I’ll linger leisurely

Come with me

and you’ll be

in a world

of pure imagination

Innovation

Creation

Journeys

Not Destinations

Definitives scare me

Because if we all

already know....

Where the fuck are we gonna go?

Here. We’ve made it.

Are you happy with this

shit?

You want the power

to change it?

Maybe, it’s yours

Next time the

circus comes ‘round

We’ll be pushing 34...

35...just in time.

You ready?

Maybe, I Am.

[mtwithington]

MidnightMusings 8.3.16

As a former contestant who placed in the 2004 Miss Teen USA-Wisconsin pageant WHEN THEY KNOW DAMN WELL I SHOULD’VE WON...fuck Miss Teen USA.

As a current black woman and mother in America...fuck the system. 

As a registered voter and upstanding American citizen...fuck Donald Trump.

And finally...as a regular, degular, schmegular, girl from the Mil...I loves my filters soooooo #teamsnap fuck instasnap with they petty asses. 😂

#thatsalligottosayaboutthat oh and #hashtagfuckyall 😂#midnightmusings

[mtwithington]

MorningMusings 7.28.16

You are allowed

         To be affected          To cry when you’re in pain or miss someone          To fear the drop of the turbulence and hope for the buoy of the updraft          To eat dessert before dinner          To want to love someone          To answer on the first ring          To know someone is lying          To believe them anyway          To end a friendship          To turn off your phone          To have a boring day          To give a third chance          To not know how to fix something          To forgive yourself          To expect a text          To take someone at their word          To be wrong          To say what you shouldn’t          To get rejected          To be misunderstood          To care a little too much for a little too long          To fail          To buy a car because you think it’s cute          To quit your job          To start over          To start over, again          To not find the words until they’re gone          To ignore a call from your Mom          To cancel plans          To go out alone          To be embarrassed          To not know what’s next          To have a bad hair day          To have pit stains          To mourn someone you’ve never met          To have growing pains          To save sweet messages           To spend the day in bed          To make the same mistake twice          To say, “I love you,” first          To set boundaries          To listen to the same song for hours because it’s exactly what you want           to hear           To change your mind          To eat cupcakes for breakfast two days in a row          To not want to let go          To say no          To be flawed          To be genuine          To be human.

[mtwithington]

Diary of a Mad, Black, Token

I gasped as he ripped the poster from my wall, A.J.’s face was far too beautiful to be broken.

“Get these white boys off my fuckin wall!” he screamed. 

“But I love them daddy!” I cried. “Just because they are White doesn’t mean they are bad people!”

It was the winter of 2000 and I was around 13. I remember being confused as to why, on that particular night, the mere sight of my Backstreet Boys shrine had infused him with such malice; it had been there for a while. As I scrambled to salvage what was left from the carnage, he fumed,

“Don’t you bring these white boys into my tribe. A daughter is to marry into her father’s tribe! These white men will never care about you!”

I silently responded,

“What is your crazy ass talking about?”

What tribe? Was he secretly the Prince of Zamunda and I, a princess? And marriage? Did I have some handsome African suitor waiting for my hand with the promise of adventure and a kingdom? 

My father was a proud man and I had never seen him so...insecure. The idea of a white man staking claim to his daughter seemed to cause such a visceral reaction that it terrified him. Sure, he had some prejudices, but they usually seemed to stem from a slight jealousy, never from fear. But I was young and uninformed, I simply thought his reaction was that of a dad, possibly after a couple of drinks, scared to watch his baby grow up. 

It wasn’t until yesterday that I realized his outburst had been a reaction to the 2000 February acquittal of the four White officers who murdered Amadou Diallo. He had been watching it on the news that night. Of course, BSB had done nothing to him explicitly, but they looked like they could’ve. And I’m sure their blatant cultural appropriation of the Motown sound he loved that his only daughter acted like they invented, didn’t help much.

I’ve recounted that story dozens of times over the course of my life. The story of my old, black, dad and his archaic ideas that white people and black people aren’t equal. You see, I used to take pride in the knowledge that I wasn’t like him. I wasn’t prejudice. I was raised in the 90s and came of age in the new millennium. Surely, the Jim Crow days of my father’s youth would never resurface in my life. These white people were not their parents, they were MY people. They were friends, they were lovers, they were allies. Their ignorance would dissipate once they got to know a black person like me. One of the good ones. 

And then one day, the white boy who was secretly dating me called me a nigger. I forgave him because he didn’t know any better and it was my job to teach him.

And then one day, my best friend laughed while she told me that my hands and feet looked like those of a monkey. I laughed with her because my initial reaction of “you can’t fucking say shit like that!” frightened her, and it was my job to make her feel comfortable and not afraid. I was the only black person she knew and I didn’t want her image of us to settle at the feet of the angry black girl narrative.

And then one day, I got spit on and called a nigger at my high school. I tried to create a diversity group for the approximately 1500 white students to be exposed to other cultures and history but the school decided the multicultural group for the 10 minority students to have a “safe space for open dialogue”, was a better idea. I accepted that because at least they were trying, right?

I believed that one day we would be equal. I believed all lives mattered. I believed the only true way to promote change was to wait patiently, to remain neutral, safe and approachable. 

I assimilated as far as anyone could until “then one day” became damn near everyday. I explained, defended, tolerated and turned the other cheek so often I began to question whether or not being one of the “good blacks” was meant to compliment or to capture. 

And then one day, I saw two black men get murdered on Instagram. I have never watched those videos...my heart is far too tender. But I made myself. I made myself because I wanted an image of Alton and Philando that I would never forget, in an attempt to counterbalance the millions that surely would,

I watched as the collective reaction of my white friends, lovers and allies again shifted to the customary murdered investigation, no typo. The kind that only happens when a black person is the victim. The kind that transforms the law faster than a speeding bullet and turns resisting into a capital offense. 

“Well, this is why you ALWAYS do what the cops say.”

“Well, I’m sure he/she was some kind of criminal.” 

I heard the silence of my white friends, lovers and allies who, after just celebrating their own freedom, swallowed their tongues when mine was threatened. These people who claimed to love me, mourned the life of a gorilla more than the life of a human that easily could’ve been me. And I grew disgusted. You now disgust me. 

And then I remembered something I said to my father that night in the winter of 2000,

“It will be different when I’m a grown up...you’ll see!” “No...it won’t be, you’ll see.”

It wasn’t until yesterday I realized he was right. It wasn’t until yesterday I realized that if a cop killed me, many people I know would consider it justified. Many people who know me, would act like they never did. I have a mug shot. I’ve had a warrant. I used to party a lot so there may be a picture out there. I have sold shit in front of a store. I have openly carried a firearm, legally, with my daughter in the backseat. I have smoked a cigarette while getting a speeding ticket. I have questioned why I was being stopped by a police officer. I have been assaulted, improperly searched by a male officer, kept in holding for hours without any rights read. I have never resisted, but they sure could’ve said I did. And y’all would fucking believe them. Y’all wouldn’t say shit!

So now, I stand with my tribe. In all our triumphs and our missteps. I will use my voice, my strength, my power, my magic, my talents and my intellect to aid us and only us. I will no longer waste my energy explaining what has never wanted to be understood. Instead, I will use everything I am to never again hear guttural weeps like those of Alton Sterling’s son, to never again see the loss of innocence like that which we saw drain from the life of Philando Castile’s daughter. I will not allow my blackness to be exploited for the gain of anyone or anything other than our progress. 

I am done being the token. I am done being good. I no longer want equality, I demand freedom...by any means necessary. 

Sidenote: From what I can tell, NO member of BSB has made a public comment about any of the most recent shootings. So I ripped them off my playlist. HYFR, Dad. Fuck them. 

[mtwithington]

I am no ones to acquire Only mine to give Freely if I please Slowly if I don't

I am a lazy Sunday and a harried Monday

I am       the coffee           the cream              the sugar          and the spoon.

But I am not the cup...               ...that's you. ❤🌺

- M.T. Withington

‪#‎iiamw‬ 👑 ‪#‎gn‬

[mtwithington]

Happy Birthday to My Girl

Hey Babe,

You’re 7 today!!! It’s midnight…January 31, 2016. I just finished tiptoeing around you and your friends, cleaning up after your first sleepover. I can’t believe you’re old enough to have your first sleepover. I’ve always dreaded this day, not because I hate other people’s kids which, is definitely a factor, but because it’s a milestone that takes you away from me a little bit more. When you were a baby and I imagined our future, I thought I would hate sharing you with the friends you’d eventually make. But I’ve actually loved watching how big of a deal this has been for you. Your nervous excitement and how you felt like such a big girl.

The crazy thing is, you really are a big girl now…

You’re closer to 10 than 5. You’re taking out your ponytails at school because you’ve realized that if you want to wear your hair down, you don’t actually need permission because it’s your hair. (But you better not do it again, we agreed, weekends only)

You get moody when you feel slighted and you cop an attitude when you feel unheard. You roll your eyes now and mumble under your breath when you don’t like something I tell you. (Just remember, I hear everything…and I’m not a doodoo head)

You have girlfriends to have dance parties with and now, you want me to record it and while I’m still allowed to dance I can’t too much or else the video will be shaky. 😂 You take selfies and paint nails and talk about the latest tv shows and movies. You’ve got opinions and jokes for everything…

….you’re even big enough to read my letters now.

Before this past year, I had an answer to everything you wanted to know…

Why does the moon change shapes? How many days are in a week? How many quarters does it take to make $5?

But now…you ask questions about intangible subjects, some I’ve yet to fully answer for myself…

What do we believe in? How do you know when someone’s telling the truth? I heard you yelling at papa, don’t you guys love each other? Do you miss your dad?

Your world is opening up and getting larger everyday. It’s not just playgrounds and movies and Legos anymore. You see things now that never existed to you before. You see yourself in a way that never existed to you before.

And I’m seeing you in a way that never existed to me before. Last night was the first time I really saw you as an individual not just as an extension of me. I saw how you handled yourself amongst peers. I saw how you maneuvered between friend groups and made everyone feel comfortable. I saw how popular you are. I saw how girly you are. I saw how dominant you are. I even saw you get a little catty.

And you see me in a way that never existed to you before. You notice me now.

You notice when my voice changes when I’m talking to other people. You notice when I’m quiet during a conversation that means I’m thinking about something else. You notice that I don’t really have all the answers. That I’m growing too.

And that scares the shit out of me. You being old enough to call bullshit…scares the shit out of me.

Because I want so badly for you to feel secure in thinking that I know how to handle everything. I never want you to feel like you have to find your answers other places, because sometimes looking for answers in other places can get you hurt. And I know that I’m the only place that I can guarantee will never intentionally hurt you.

You are a lot like me but you are more like you…and while I would love for you to think of me as the perfect female specimen to emulate…I don’t want you to emulate me. Because I am a work in progress just like you.

So this year, for my list, I want to give you 7 Things Mama Doesn’t Know That You’ll Have To Figure Out Yourself…

I don’t know what love will mean for you. I don’t know if you will get married. I don’t know if you will find your soulmate. I don’t know if you will have devastating heartbreak and if so, I don’t know how long it will take to recover. But I do know that I will always love you and I will hope everyday that you find both the meaning and the love that you deserve.

I don’t know what success will look like for you. I want you to be a scientist. I want you to be stable and credible and comfortable. But you are a child of the struggle and I see your interests changing. I’ve read your stories and I hear you when you sing in the bathroom. You love pottery class and swimming. I will guide you but I can’t show you. Only you can decide where your happy is. And being happy is true success.

I don’t know why other girls are so mean. It has always been a mystery to me. But I do know that we are NOT mean. We are protectors, we bully the bullies and shield the underdogs. We are always nice unless we have to be mean.

I don’t know when anyone will die. But trust me baby, be consumed with life not crippled by the fear of death. The more you live the less time you have to think about dying.

I don’t know if I will ever give you another sibling. Since I don’t plan on giving you these letters until you’re 18…if you’re reading this and you still don’t have any…I’m sorry I never gave you another sibling. But I’m sure I’ve told you the reasons why by now and probably given you a pretty sweet ride from the guilt so, you’re welcome.

I don’t know yet how to balance my career and being a mom. Sometimes I work long nights and sometimes I have to go away without you and some days I’m too tired to go to Dave and Busters. I don’t know because this is all new to me too. But I do know that everyday of your life I try my best to be a good mom for you.

But I don’t know if I will always succeed at that. I don’t know if you will ever be disappointed in me. I don’t know if you will ever feel like I hurt you or made you question yourself. But I do know that I will never be too proud to tell my kid I am sorry. Moms fuck up too. I hope you will always give me a chance to make it right. You will always have infinite chances with me.

Sheesh, these are getting longer and longer. Just like my love and admiration for the baby you were, the girl you are and the woman you will become.

I love you all the way to Pluto and back my sweet girl. Happy Birthday.

-Love, Babe

[mtwithington]

#strongenoughtobearthechildren #thengetbacktobusiness