Well I have been on hiatus due to some extraordinary amounts of stress and attempting to put my life back together. No matter how hard I try though, it all seems to fall back apart. I feel like my whole like is just supposed to sprout misery... from birth to now... my strongest and most consistent partner has always been misery. It’s like the best friend I never wanted. I mean of course there were instances and times where I felt happy. But is happiness in an instant true happiness? Or just what my mind wants to see at the moment. I’ve been beat up and bruised by everyone who has ever come near me so I sink deeper into isolation and self-dependence... less social... more awkward. Can I just rewind the hands of time to a younger me who was less conscious of her decisions. The me who controlled her life and took it by the reigns. I was happy. Or at least as close to happy as I’d ever get. But that me felt no pain. That me barely had a heart. Without a heart how could I really be alive? I try to find love but i often find myself trying to figure out what it really is. Do I really know it? I’m not sure if I’ve really felt it. was it momentary? Who knows. My mind is confused. It’s stuck between the person I want to be and the person I feel I HAVE to be to survive. My heart mourns. My head is synonymous to an all day funeral. Where people in my life go to die, where my demons are caged, and where the small sacred last inch of my heart remains. I don’t have around the clock watch however so at times it can be quite chaotic. Do I hate my life? Or do I actually hate myself? Is my life really a reflection of me and the choices I’ve made? Or did I just pull the really shit end of the stick when it comes to life.
dailybridgerton
theartofmadeline
titsay
annaxmalina
2087
