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@nonbinarylondon
So you're creating an online form. If it's longer than the standard email-and-zip-code signup form, you've probably got a gender question. Here's how to make that gender question inclusive.
When to ask, when not to ask, and how to ask in a minimally harmful way. Neat!
3 Keys to Having Sex With the Non-Binary Person, Even When That Person is You
What is gender?
Gender is a spectrum, which means that between and outside of the constructs of male and female, there exists an entire range of gender identities. We often speak of “transgender” and “cisgender” identities: “cisgender” indicating that one’s gender matches the gender they were assigned at birth, and “transgender” indicating that one’s gender does not. However, we still often only recognize trans women and trans men, failing to acknowledge that this too incorrectly perpetuates the “binary”.
And what do people mean by ‘gender essentialism?’
Too often, even conversations about trans identities fall into “gender essentialism” – that is, the misconception that there are only men and women, and that they are two distinct and fixed identities: for trans or cis women to exist validly as “women,” they must perform “womanhood” (wearing pink, loving babies, caring about their appearance, etc.), and for trans or cis men to exist validly as “men,” they must perform “manhood” (loving sports, shunning femininity, etc.). As you might have noticed, gender essentialism is terribly sexist and does not reflect the many realities of the human experience, even for cisgender people.
Some people do exist whose identities match these gender essentials, but it’s reductive and destructive to imagine that these delineations should define gender or identity. There are trans and cis women who do not conform to constructs of the “female” or the “feminine,” and trans and cis men who do not conform to constructs of the “male” or “masculine.” They are entirely valid.
What does it mean to be gender nonbinary?
There are also those who do not identify as male or female at all. There are those of us who exist somewhere along the spectrum, not identifying with our birth gender but not necessarily identifying very strongly with any other gender, either.
To be nonbinary is to identify as other than male or female: as multiple genders at once (pangender or bigender), as neither (agender), as androgynous (androgyne), etc. To be nonbinary can mean your gender identity can vary (genderfluid/genderfucked/genderqueer), that yours is a gender specific to your culture (Two-Spirit or third gender, etc), or that you identify with a binary gender like man or woman but not exclusively or all the time (demigirl/demiboy).
Binary gender is actually largely a Western (mis)construction, and it’s it certainly doesn’t speak for all of us. You can read more about nonbinary identities here and debunk some misconceptions here, but let’s get down to it –
What does sex look like outside the gender binary?
When a nonbinary individual is sexual, every act can be charged with the personal and political. Almost the entirety of our understandings of sex – from the media to sex ed to our love songs and how tos – involves bodies gendered along the binary. Queer partners are asked who’s the girl, even when both or neither are, because sex is coded heteronormative: the male dominates and penetrates, the female receives. Dominant/submission, penetrator/penetrated. Even in queer or same sex partnerships, sex is coded along the gender binary, and to experience your body or someone else’s outside of these heteronormative scripts is an act of radical undoing, of radical innovation.
I want to speak about sex beyond the binary as it applies to being a nonbinary sexual individual, or being sexual with a nonbinary individual, but I want to note that we all can benefit from a sexual understanding that transcends gender essentialism. Also, it’s important to include that asexual and aromantic trans and nonbinary people exist and are valid – sex and gender are not always in correspondence, and neither is sexuality or lack thereof; do not conflate one identity with the other.
To be nonbinary and sexual can mean to redefine what you’ve been taught sex is.
Raised a woman, I was taught that sex is to serve cis men. It’s still not uncommon to question the very existence of an orgasm for people with vaginas. It’s still common to perceive sex as a process of kissing, touching, oral sex performed on penises, perhaps briefly oral sex performed on vaginas if a vagina is involved, and then penetrative sex until the person with the penis experiences orgasm. Any or all other pleasure-oriented acts are still largely considered “extra.” Just by watching tv or porn, or talking to cishet people, anything else might seem “deviant” – and that is just one of the most unfortunate symptoms of the sex-negative cisheteropatriarchy!
Sex can and should be fun. Sex can and should be empowering and affirming, for any gender or sexual orientation. Whether you’re being sexual with yourself or others, your sex should reflect whatever is best and safest for you and/or your partner(s).
When you are a nonbinary person, because sex has been scripted in such an essentialist way, you might experience dysphoria or other triggering moments during sex. When you are a gender conforming person having sex with a nonbinary person, you must consciously ensure that your partner’s experience is affirming rather than triggering. Here are a few steps to keep in mind:
1) Unlearn the binary scripts of sex.
When you are a nonbinary person you may have been socialized as male or female during the beginnings of your sexual exploration, and you still may have memory or muscle memory of those sexual roles. You may have been socialized to be one who penetrates or one who receives, a dominant or a submissive. Even reversing or opposing these roles can still feel gendered: one of the first times I was sexual with another person with a vagina, I felt a maleness arise in me, as if there was a “he” who needed to be present. This can be fine, if it makes sense for you and your partner, but I was able to recognize that I was trying to approximate a heteronormative sexual experience because it was the only understanding of sex I had ever had.
I had to confront the unspoken scripts that were racing through my mind, informing my actions and experiences: if she’s being dominant, I should be submissive. If I’m focused predominantly on her orgasm, I feel more masculine. I was able to recognize that I was ascribing gender to experience, and I didn’t have to – I didn’t have to!
My gender identity is not necessarily directly correlated with what I like in bed, and my sexual experiences do not need to be informed by the gender binary.
You don’t need to sacrifice your nonbinary identity to be sexual, because you do not need to perform gender during sex. There doesn’t have to be a male or female, dominant or submissive. Experience yourself and your partner. Undo the power imbalance – share and balance your powers instead.
As the partner of a nonbinary person, it is crucial to be aware of this. Do not ever expect your nonbinary partner to perform gender during sex. Be aware of the fact that no matter your own sexuality, you may implicitly expect your partner to take on a role complementing your own — recognize that there are no opposites here. Focus on creating an experience of pleasure and positivity for both of you. Do not forget that the trust that must go into any sexual experience may be heightened for your nonbinary partner. The process of self-love that non-cis individuals may experience before they’re able to share their bodies with someone else can be a very fraught one – respect and appreciate that they are granting you this trust, and do not betray it.
Communicate, always. This doesn’t mean bully or coerce them into sharing information that might make them uncomfortable, or guilting/pressuring them into teaching you how to fuck them in a way that feels empowering or affirming for you. Let them know you understand that you do not have authority over what they’re going through, that you respect their desires and their body, and that you are here to share a positive experience.
2) Recognize dysphoria.
The sounds you make, the expectations of what your body should do or should experience, the way you move – all this has been gendered, and whether you are nonbinary or being intimate with someone who is, it’s a process of consciously detaching those reductive gender ideas from what’s actually happening.
As a nonbinary person, combating dysphoria can already be a struggle. When we experience it in sex, it can be even more triggering. Reclaiming your breasts, your penis, your testicles, your vagina, and/or your orgasm from societal scripts and exploring them as they actually manifest in your incredible body, as they affect your incredible soul — that in and of itself is an experience, and can become a celebration. Let your partner know what triggers you, and if certain acts or expectations manifest as misgendering for you. You can be explicit or you can keep certain reasons private depending on your relationship with your sex partner, but there must be some degree of trust if you are going to be intimate. You shouldn’t feel pressure to detail past trauma to a casual hookup, for example, but you can let them know that you’re not comfortable being submissive, and they should respect that.
As the partner of a nonbinary person, ask how you can help. Be aware of how the reality of your cis body, the certainty with which you inhabit it, may be painful for your partner. Recognize it’s not about you. Good sex requires you to be both a little selfish and selfless, but when you’re having sex with someone with dysphoria, recognize that your needs and wants must adjust to the possibilities of what is safe and comfortable for them. Check in. Make sure wh you’re doing together is affirming for their mind and body. Avoid gendered sexual language, unless your partner wants you to use certain gender labels or pronouns.
3) Focus on the realities of you and your bodies.
Now that you’ve undone the narrow notions of what sex “should” be, and worked to make you and your partner(s) are comfortable in your shared space, you are part of a comparatively unscripted sexual experience. This means you can focus on your comfort, and your pleasure.
As a nonbinary person, focus on what actually feels good for you. Take time by yourself, if you’re comfortable with it. This can be masturbation or literally just experimenting with your own senses. Explore your body by yourself; touch places no one has; use different pressure. Remember that there’s no should here, nothing should necessarily feel good, just focus on what is. If penetration feels good to you, experiment with pressure, placement, speed, depth. If stimulation of your thighs, chest, throat feels good to you, explore how much. When you are ready to be with a partner, communicate what you’ve learned. Don’t feel trapped by what you’ve been taught bodies like yours should enjoy — no body is quite like yours. Your sexual experience is a place of possibility. Positive, communicative sexual experiences may actually affirm your gender identity — this is your body, and you are in control of what you do with it and what you want others to do with you. You define what feels pleasurable to you.
When you are the partner of a nonbinary person, listen. Without putting pressure on your partner, ask them what feels best for them. Be responsive, check in to make sure they like how you’re doing what you’re doing. Be open to using toys, or experimenting with positions. Do not view toys as a threat. When your nonbinary partner asks you to adjust something that you’re used to, something you’ve never questioned (like playing with nipples or testicles, for example), respect them, their preferences, and their body. Do not view their instruction on how to make them feel sexy and safe as a criticism of your own sexual skill — instead, recognize that this is how to be sexual with the individual in front of you, and embrace it. Detach your sex from binary roles, from binary expectations. Work together to make each other feel good.
Sex is a collaboration, a partnership, and can be experienced positively by anyone who wants it, across the gender spectrum. Gender is not binary, and neither, necessarily, is sex. To all of us out here whose gender exists outside the binary, to the nonwhite nonbinary, the disabled nonbinary, the asexual nonbinary, I love you! Know that if you want it, positive and affirming sexual experiences are out there for you, as well as within you. Your body is unlike any other, and that is an awesome and powerful truth. Your body belongs to you, and whoever you share it with must respect your identity and your desires.
Now go out there and be sexual in whatever way makes you safe, affirmed, and satisfied!
from thebodyisnotanapology.com, by Maya Gittelman
Confusion over why autism is so prevalent among transgender people may be limiting their access to medical care.
While a shift has ensured many cisgender women are now finding diagnoses, approaching autism in strictly male/female terms has still largely excluded gender-diverse people from the conversation.
More on the differences in presentation, and on the Spectrum study they mentioned.
For the anon who is an NB London student there are loads of great LGBT+ societies in London that do trans and NB meet ups. KCL do a lot and I think imperial and UCL are starting to and they're all inter uni :)
ty! <3
Hi, im a student in london. Havent come out as nonbinary to a lot of people around me, feel trapped and overwhelmed by my situation. Im hoping someone is still running this id just like to talk to someone. im not a part of any groups, where do I go? What do I do? I guess im desperate..
Hello love. There are a few Facebook groups you can join if you look? e.g. NB UK, and the UK NB meet-up network <3
Help the Beyond the Binary magazine run a payment scheme for marginalised non-binary people in the UK. We need your support!
REACHED THE TARGET for the @beyondthebinaryuk fundraiser! Here’s to paying marginalised non-binary writers *cheers*
These have happened about once every two months for the past year. People chat (about gender things and random things), bring snacks, sit quietly and doodle on pieces of paper, etc.
OPEN TO: those who don’t identify as ‘only a man 100% of the time’ or ‘only a woman 100% of the time’, those who identify as non-binary or genderqueer, and anyone questioning whether this applies to them or not! In the words of a blog post: “You don’t have to be certain and yes, you can change your mind.“
Date: Saturday 7 May 2016 Time: 2pm-5pm Place: Stratford Circus, Theatre Square, E15 1BX London
Note: you can’t see the Facebook event unless you join the meet-up Facebook group.
This is this week! EEEE!
THIS IS TOMORROW! See y’all there <3
Is it OK to drop in for a bit if I can't make the whole time? :)
Definitely! No pressure to stay the whole time 😘
Hey. I plan on going to the meetup next week. Any idea how many people are going or where to meet yet? Thanks.
^_____^
We don’t ask people to register, so no clear idea on numbers: but I’d guess maybe around 10-15?
And as for where to meet, we’re in Stratford Circus (a la this post) and it’s not very big. We’ll probably on the seats on the first floor, that’s normally where we sit! Can’t wait to meet you :3
These have happened about once every two months for the past year. People chat (about gender things and random things), bring snacks, sit quietly and doodle on pieces of paper, etc.
OPEN TO: those who don’t identify as ‘only a man 100% of the time’ or ‘only a woman 100% of the time’, those who identify as non-binary or genderqueer, and anyone questioning whether this applies to them or not! In the words of a blog post: “You don’t have to be certain and yes, you can change your mind.“
Date: Saturday 7 May 2016 Time: 2pm-5pm Place: Stratford Circus, Theatre Square, E15 1BX London
Note: you can’t see the Facebook event unless you join the meet-up Facebook group.
This is this week! EEEE!
"Solidarity between trans women here and elsewhere is important. We're also in a big fight here for nonbinary recognition at the moment, which is obviously quite important to many of us."
s/o to girldick.hosting, the web hosting services for all folks who experience transmisogyny!
Help the Beyond the Binary magazine run a payment scheme for marginalised non-binary people in the UK. We need your support!
BTB has been really good for actually paying people something for their work to encourage marginalised NB people to write for us. But we need £££ to help this continue!
London (non-binary) journalist Ray Filar takes on some random internet dickhead on the topic of supporting trans kids RE a Brighton Council decision to check kids’ gender identities.
But a word of warning from my mate Tanya: "Folks sharing this story like it is a good thing seem to have forgotten the lessons and fallout from same sex marriage being legalised. I'd strongly argue that non-binary folks don't need legal recognition. What we are needing is gender being removed from all official documentation, forms, questionnaires and other bullshit. "I don't want the official sanction of a government to tell me who is proper and who isn't. I want them to keep the fuck out of people's gender choices. This is simply another step in the deradicalisation and co-option of queer identities, splitting off the 'respectable' from the rest. Personally I see this as a massive backwards step not only for folks under the non-binary umbrella, but for everyone.People have been happy with the recognition this brings / signifies."
“Would you rather” - yes, those are the only real choices
A couple of days ago I posted a Twitter poll on @nonbinarystats that has been getting a lot of attention.
I have been going to gender-specialist counselling sessions at my GIC in London to address some niggling social gender dysphoria. One of the things we’ve been talking about is that because there is no space in society as things are for nonbinary people, I/we have to constantly shout about our genders and be visible, or be invalidated by default because people don’t know about our genders at all. This means that I am forced to be visible, where cis and binary people would not be. It also means I am defined by my gender and my activism.
My counsellor asked me what a society that accepted me would look like. One of the answers I gave was that people would not assume I was a man or a woman, and perhaps they would ask my pronouns or default to “they” and gender-neutral language if they needed to.
I posted the question out of personal curiosity as the result of a conversation with a friend - she proposed the first two options and I added the last one.
I am very pleased with the almost-1,000 votes this has garnered. 1,000 is only a drop in the ocean, but the percentages are remaining fairly consistent as the votes come in, even though it has now spread further than my usual closer circle of trans and nonbinary followers and allies.
“Just guess [correctly]” is an option I couldn’t provide
Today the question has been getting a few replies along the lines of “I would rather people just choose the pronoun that matches my presentation.” I’m guessing some of these people might be genderfluid (since I know that’s a common preference with genderfluid folks), but it’s also something I hear a lot from cis and binary people. “Can’t you just call me ‘she’ automatically because I am feminine-presenting?” This is also the safest and most comfortable option for a lot of binary trans people - because who doesn’t want people to just correctly guess their pronouns all the time? I know that’s what I’d like most, but since nonbinary genders aren’t thoroughly ensconced in the public consciousness online and in my region of the world, this isn’t really an option for me. People use the wrong pronouns even when I tell them I’m a “they” and even when I wear a big red sticker on my chest saying so.
I’ll start by explaining that I deliberately left this option out, because it’s not universal and therefore requires a brief meta conversation with the person you’re about to talk about in the third person. Anything you’d have to ask or be told about can’t be included.
But that’s just logistical. A big reason that I left it out is because it erases the experiences of a lot of people - trans, cis, binary, and nonbinary.
I know someone who prefers “they” pronouns not because they’re nonbinary, but because singular “they” is the pronoun that you use for someone whose gender is unknown and they consider their gender to be a very private and personal piece of information about them that only close friends might be told about. And this fits something I’m quite passionate about: the fact that nonbinary people are a very diverse population. There is this stereotype that nonbinary people look like… well, me. Not much in the way of testosterone, youngish, small or bound or flat chest, white, slim, short hair, presenting “androgynously” (ie: masculine of centre), etc. And people need to know that nonbinary is a gender thing, an internal experience that anyone can have or be regardless of presentation or behaviour or name or pronouns or anything else. Yes, for a lot of people it feels a lot better to express their gender outwardly, but there’s no way to know what that person is expressing. You can guess, and a lot of the time you might be able to guess reliably, but you can’t know.
This idea that people should guess your pronouns based on your presentation has roots in a lot of false assumptions.
That a person’s pronouns will match their gender.
That a person’s gender presentation will also match their gender.
That a person’s gender (upon which their gendered presentations are based) is a gender that the general public will recognise and acknowledge, socially (by not having to ask or be told) and philosophically (without questioning your assertion) and linguistically (they’ll know which words and pronouns to use without asking).
Point the first, there are people out there whose genders and pronouns do not “match”. “He” is not automatically a man’s/masculine pronoun, ditto “she”, and “they” can mean that a gender is unknown or it can include all genders or it can represent a third or shifting gender, etc. etc. After singular they, the most popular pronouns among nonbinary people are he and she, followed by “mix it up” and no pronouns. Newer singular gender-inclusive pronouns like ze/hir don’t make that top 5.
Point the second, butch women exist. Some of them are trans but most of them aren’t. Regardless of whether a woman is trans, to call her “he” because she has a masculine presentation is incredibly rude and presumptuous. The same is true for femme men, and femme and butch nonbinary people. And binary people who dress “neutrally” (ie: masculine of centre). And this is just a small fraction of the incredible diversity of gender identities and presentations out there.
Point the third, even if somehow this shoddy stereotype of nonbinary as young thin white androgynous/somewhat masculine AFAB was at all representative of most of the nonbinary population, the vast majority of humans are not aware of nonbinary genders - and if they are, they do not know that singular “they” is a popular pronoun or that we might want a pronoun other than “he” or “she”. And when they do, the number of people who tell us that they refuse to use it because it is grammatically inaccurate or just far too difficult is astounding. So many nonbinary people are in the closet just because binary people’s convenience is more important than respecting us.
My agenda
Judging by one reply in particular, there seems to have been an assumption that I am asking this question in order to push for a societal shift. Somehow they think that I intend to show everyone the results and say “look! This is what you should do when talking about a stranger henceforth!” I am asking to find out whether I should advocate for misgendering, asking, or using neutral language until told otherwise - for all people, and consistently.
How it actually is: I was curious and wanted to inform my choices with a quick Twitter poll, and thought that others might want to too.
The latter two options harm trans people
In practise, says one respondent, using “they” for everyone or asking everyone for their pronouns just doesn’t happen enough. So people end up using “they” for or asking pronouns of only visibly trans or nonbinary people, which I can definitely see would cause a lot of dysphoria for a lot of people, myself included. Anything that you have to do when cis folks don’t have to do it, that’s got dysphoria all over it.
This is certainly a big problem, and a symptom of the marginalisation of trans and nonbinary people.
As I mentioned above, I’m not advocating that anyone do a particular thing. I’ll be avoiding this problem by attempting to be consistent and sensitive. Whatever I do, I’ll do it with everyone as standard - and I may adjust what I say or do sometimes if I think a situation requires a little more care.
TL;DR
This Twitter poll is going really well! :) Some people said the best option is for people to guess a gendered pronoun based on presentation, but that erases a whole bunch of gender-nonconforming people and isn’t universally accepted. Some people seem to think I’m pushing an agenda, when actually I’m just curious. One person points out that when the poll options are applied sporadically it causes harm to trans and nonbinary people, which is true - so that’s why I’m going to try to apply them consistently.
These have happened about once every two months for the past year. People chat (about gender things and random things), bring snacks, sit quietly and doodle on pieces of paper, etc.
OPEN TO: those who don’t identify as ‘only a man 100% of the time’ or ‘only a woman 100% of the time’, those who identify as non-binary or genderqueer, and anyone questioning whether this applies to them or not! In the words of a blog post: “You don’t have to be certain and yes, you can change your mind.“
Date: Saturday 13 February 2016 [note it’s no longer on Sun 7th] Time: 2pm-5pm Place: Stratford Circus, Theatre Square, E15 1BX London
Under a week til this!
Thanks for sharing everyone but the facebook event has now been cancelled. People starting the campaign decided to scale it back, it seems people are welcome to show up but with the following explanation in mind:
FYI!
