get jinxed

21 she/they

[petaltexturedskies]

Virginia Woolf, from a letter to Vita Sackville-West, wr. c. February 1926

[shittingonthisworld]

[obsceneversee]

cant even do this fucking shit correctly and I am so fucking vile. how come ive lost so much weight and when A picked me up and carried me over his shouldernfor the funnof it, he told me I was way too easy to carry yet I still look so FUCKING FAT?? the fat on my stomach is just too much gor me. fuckinfndidgusting. deviant. worthless. slutty. bitchy. abusive. chaotic. destructive. dramatic. I AM A FUCKINF PIECE OF SHIT AND MY CURSE IS THAT I AM SO HORRIBLE YET ALL I WANT IS FOR SOMEONE TO LOVE ME QND ACTUALLY STAY AROUND AND SHOW IT

imngonns get so much higher and drink way too much. this is disgusting. idgaf that I have DD's at this weight bc there's still FAT. unless I am sickeningly underwright, I am WORTHLESS AND IVE GOTTEN THAT MEMO

FUCKING DISGUSTING!! NO WONDER THE ONE PERSON I WISH WOULD TEXT ME DOESNT SAY ANYRBINF LMFAOOOOO

[obsceneversee]

thankfully K and A both agreed to going out. obviously A's roommate and L aren't going because L is being a fucking bitch towards me for god knows what reason atp. but so we're going to go out. I am in pain, flaring, and I haven't eaten a single thing all day. this is a horrible idea and I couldn't care less

we're going to get super high and likely drunk. thank god. I'm really not okay. I was hoping my ex could be here but he's busy with family and then will be busy with them until about 10 or 11 my time, which is 12am-1am his time, which is kind of insane but I don't expect any different. every time we were separated, he spent 24/7 with friends and family. makes sense why they said I took up ALL his time when I was actually constantly begging him to spend time with me. ig they think he owes them all his time and don't even consider that once he has a love life, that changes. but like it matters anymore. I'm not his girlfriend, I'm not his love life. and that was his choice.

so I'm gonna go out with them. do a bunch of shit, get super high, dance and drink and pretend nothing is happening anymore. I'm tired and full of rage and it's perfect

[obsceneversee]

I tried calling my ex to grab his attention but he answered it, muted, never looked at my texts. I'm really fucking upset. I want to know when we'll be able to talk so I know what to do because I'm debating leaving the house again. I am so tired of him never answering my texts.

[obsceneversee]

I feel horrific. came home for a bit to help my mom. a huge argument broke out. somehow my brother keeps comparing his shit with our dad to the insane abuse I've faced. I got extremely angry and talked to my mom about it and she somehow defended him and said we both have our own perspectives. I yelled, "that's not a PERSPECTIVE!! these are FACTS! he's never been sexualized, molested, slapped, beaten! he's never been restrained or thrown into anything! he has never heard half of the shit I've heard! he's never dealt with the situation I was in with (redacted name lmfao) and Dad which is the reason my self harm got THIS FUCKING SEVERE AND THEN SET OFF A HORRIBLE CHRONIC PAIN DISORDER THAT WOULD KILL ME WITHOUT MEDICATION!! he has dealt with NONE OF IT!"

yet she kept saying it's perspective and I'm losing my mind. my brother can name the one time my dad said "go fuck yourself," the ONE. TIME. and he's never been even slapped. istfg

anyways I don't want to be in this house

[obsceneversee]

it's 2:04pm and I need to get high. I don't feel okay. my mind is currently bombarded with some horrible imagery and thoughts. will I ever be good enough? sexy enough? pretty enough? ENOUGH? i wonder if he's looked at other women in that way. I wonder if he's actually thought about some other fucking bitch in that type of way. will I ever compare? I'm currently starving myself to no end and I can't do enough to fix and edit and perfect my body. I hope I compare and I hope I'm the best. I want to be fucking loved. someway. somehow.

I'm gonna go to K's place for a bit and full send it with some alc and substances LMFAOO. what, like my ex would actually text me any time soon saying he wants to talk soonm? hah! as if! he only does that at night unless I literally have to ask him for it due to being unable to talk at night. it's ridiculous. and even then, sometimes I only get 7 minutes of talking in those situations. lmfao. so yeah no, I'm not staying home rn. there's absolutely no reason when the person I love has an entire life and existence without me and will not come back to me til the middle of the night meanwhile I'm sat here, waiting, thinking about him, thinking about how I'd do fucking anything for him to actually talk to me and text me like he used to. he was somehow more loving and more consistent and more talkative THE FIRST WEEK WE MET than he is now. I'm tired of wishing he loved me enough to want to talk to me.

[importantpics]

[thelovingend-deactivated2025073]

[deadontheweb3]

[primafawnagirl]

Me asf as fuck

[lone1nmycastl3]

[dollinrot]

i want a gun

[bryandaugherty]

[rottenaltars-deactivated2023040]

[obsceneversee]

I actually showered and shaved fully finally yesterday. we are so low on money since my dad is unemployed and then I spend all my money on my meds.. thankfully I got help paying for the stuff. it took ALMOST AN ENTIRE HOUR to shave my entire body. lord have MERCY. I hate going that long. it was terrible. but afterwards, I'm so happy. I use a lot of products and everything so my skin is soooo smooth and soft and I'm so happy. I feel so sexy and pretty now and it's nice. it's odd how despite the insane amount of scars on my legs and the fact that I'm COVERED in scar tissue, I can still get my skin to feel so soft after shaving. I love it. it's worth the effort. other places... ahem... don't have scars obviously and it's SOOOOOOOOOO smooth and soft and I'm amazed every time I shave 😭

I'm kind of in a weird mood bc my ex didn't even say anything this morning aside from letting me know he was awake. that.. really hurt. normally he says at least an ily.. called him back after work and he still didn't reply but oh well I guess.. I might hang out with K later but it's odd hanging out without everyone else involved but god only knows if or when my ex will be able to talk and I'm tired of being alone with myself, especially after last night

[obsceneversee]

insm so like woooaahhw ow