It’s Phthalo, baby!

Full time silly critter. Part-time Glutton. I yap, love dinosaurs, and draw doodles

[phthalogreen95]

Being a Trump supporter is like getting on all fours and eating horseshit and when people tell you stop, you look up with your shit eating grin you and go “jealous, pussy?”

[suppermariobroth]

Extremely rare Donkey Kong 64 render of Diddy Kong from behind. This was only ever used once, in the German official guide for the game, and never appeared in any other material, including guides from other regions.

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[fudge-the-horse]

[phthalogreen95]

Backrooms but it’s your passive-aggressive mother roaming the halls.

[phthalogreen95]

As someone who is black, I’m not sure how is it my fault that racist white people get offended at the thought of me existing. Like oh my bad big dawg, I forgot to leave my skin color at home. I promise I’ll do that next time so I won’t cause any trouble.

[phthalogreen95]

Every American Election since 2016:

John Doe: I’m going to strip people of human rights and be absolutely unreasonable if I get into power. Like you shouldn’t vote for me, I actually am a fucking monster. My first goal in office would be to donate money to Israel.

John Doe 2: Thank you for having well first off me am human for real. Like all humans on earth planet, I am one of you. I love….water? I love….lamp? I love chicken bacon ranch chalupas? I love…America? Pls vote for me, am good yes? Do know of Charli XCX and me major brat. That make me relate to you, yes? Also I plan to donate money to Israel.

A vast majority of voters: well, fuck dude I can’t decide.

[phthalogreen95]

Work just called me, they told me they turning me into evil Jimmy from Scary Godmother: The Revenge of Jimmy fuck my life dude I don’t have PTO 😩😩😩

[phthalogreen95]

Me looking at my rose toy after multiple shots of henny, smoking backwoods, and listening to Phoebe Bridgers for 2 hours straight.

[phthalogreen95]

What’s stopping McDonald’s from putting a pig trough in their establishments? Like just throw some your imitation burger meat and fries in there and I’m good to go. I know my worth as a customer, throw some fucking lard in there while you’re at it I’m not fucking picky.

I think it’s just my right as an American to go down on my hands and knees as I use my snout to shuffle through the McDonalds trough and guzzle down a bucket of coke.

[anphivenas]

Im in gnome city rn going gnome skydiving and i low key think the parachutes are too small for me lol but i should be okay

[anphivenas]

[phthalogreen95]

The fly in my car looking at me when I lowered my window to let him out just to put it back up at the last minute.

[phthalogreen95]

One of my last brain cells laughing at the other one as it attempts to communicate with my body to be financially stable (I lost my life savings while playing slots at the local gas station again and my wife is demanding answers because I was supposed to pick up the kids at 2:45pm after school and its midnight)

[phthalogreen95]

The fun police sending me to the guillotine after saying that clown masterbation should be called “goofing off”.

[phthalogreen95]

Date Idea: Religious Trauma inspired backshots at The Marias show and then grab a Steak and Eggs breakfast at the local diner (backshot hijinks may ensue)

[phthalogreen95]

Me and the boys arriving to the local Applebees to get piss drunk and sing King for a Day off-key

[phthalogreen95]

Cashier: Sir, that’s your 10th Double Quarter Pounder within the last hour. I think you should be careful.

Me ready to order my 11th Double Quarter Pounder:

[phthalogreen95]

Had this ruben yesterday and I honestly I think it would be sacrilegious to say it was just a sandwich. This tribute to humanity blessed my entire being for a what felt like a lifetime. In that moment, from that first bite, the bar was my temple and the ruben was my object of worship. The tender meat paired with the sweet thousand island dressing reached my soul better than any sermon could. One might think that God felt jealous of such devotion toward this succulent blessing.

If it wasn’t for the unspoken rule of public etiquette, I would have fell to my knees and ripped my shirt from my body in sheer reverence at that small bar in Philadelphia. God exiled himself in Heaven because he knew that he couldn’t compete with this ruben. While he sulked about his failure, I reveled in the corn beef’s embrace and witnessed the universe by tasting of the sauerkraut. I could never die unhappy from this moment on.

[phthalogreen95]

I think Diogenes had a point that happiness and independence were possible even under reduced circumstances. I just wish I knew how the subtle art of jerking off in public or urinating on people, lead him to the realization.