Proj.Liee

The randomest of the random.

[projectliee]

2026.05.25

I don't know, Lord. This "dream" won't go away; You're not removing it. Is it because I already have it? It's practically impossible, but You're the God of all things possible. I honestly don't know how this will pan out but I know you will never put me in harm's way.

Guide me through this. Lead me through this. Lead me out of HERE.

[projectliee]

Just past midnight and I just have some thoughts...

Hear me out.

I think I know why I am so impatient about arriving at the next chapter or the next stage of my life where everything is good.

I am the friend who is babysat. I am the friend who is always being taken cared of by her friends. I am blessed with friends who do this wholeheartedly and love me unconditionally. I am grateful. I am blessed. I am thankful... but I am also in a constant state of wanting to give back to them and I've been in this stage of my life where I can't give back to them yet. I think that's part of where my frustration lies. Like Lord give me the chance to take care of my friends now. Let me be the one who tells them "I got it," or "Ako na bahala." Because it's always been me who has been on the receiving end of their goodness. I feel like all I do is take.

I know they will debate me on this, telling me this is not true. But this is how I see it. I feel like I'm doing my friends a great disservice by just taking and taking and taking. I mean it's not for lack of trying to repay their kindness, you know. It's just that I don't really have a lot and what I have is abstract. I want to take care of them the way thay have been taking care of me. So that's why sometimes my impatience and frustration rear their ugly heads.

I am being taught patience at the moment, so I know there's a lot to unpack and learn with how I've been processing things. I just wish I get to that point where I can give back.

I pray for them. I pray for them a lot -- their health, their safety, their intentions, their happiness. That's all I can do at the moment.

[projectliee]

Realizations (probably a confession of sorts)

Should I put this under a cut?

Anyway...

I realize I'm lonely and I've been lonely the past years. But the past few months taught me to love my own company again. But I feel like it must be nice to have someone to actually share my life with, to have someone. Believe me, I will be fine if my life moving forward would just be me and my cat, but it's a very human thing to yearn, right?

We know having someone won't solve all our problems, but yeah. I thought I had that. I've been really lonely the past 20 years and I just brushed it off because I thought I had someone and I shouldn't feel this way. And admitting the loneliness I felt the past years is pretty huge for me. But also: What the hell did I allow myself to happen? And yet I stayed. To my detriment.

Is it wrong to yearn? Like I wanna feel how that's like... but if it doesn't happen I'll be happy still. I mean I thought I'd live my life alone anyway. And my friends will be there for me also. Like I'm not alone ALONE and lonely because I have no one. I do. I have my friends and they don't have any idea how much they've helped regulate my nervous system all this time. May they be blessed forever.

But yeah. I'm probably yearning for someone solid, dependable, supportive, calm. Someone who makes me relax my nervous system fully. Nothing to brace for. Nothing to guard against.

But I think that someone would have to be me hahahahaha.

[projectliee]

Letters to Jo and Vhai #21: Blood Moon Edition

I don't know why I get these episodes of yearning that are so strong that I am driven to tears... or maybe I do know why, but I don't really understand it? Does that make sense. I'm not making sense.

I just yearn. I can't really articulate what I'm yearning for; it seems like this monolith of things that I want to do and be. But I think my crying episode last Sunday somehow got my point across. That's how I feel several days a month.

I'm typing this now and I'm just feeling it. I guess that's what I should do. Cry it out. Rest. Try to focus on studying. Try to understand why this is how my life is going.

Like I said, I can't articulate what I feel in a way that would explain what my mode is right now. Even if I yearn so hard that I cry, there's that peace I feel when I put myself in that place where I yearn to be. Like in my head. And I guess I just want to feel like that all the time. God knows I need a lot of comforting.

This... I'm just babbling.

I lit sage today and doused myself in salt water. I hope this helps whatever I'm feeling.

I hope you both feel better after all the rituals you do on this night. May your breakthroughs break through. I'm wishing only the best for you, your lives, your careers, your circumstances.

I'm still thankful. I'm always thankful. Always grateful. Grateful that I get to feel like this. Grateful that there's something I'm looking forward to getting. Just not yet. I have a lot of work to do.

[projectliee]

Letters to Jo and Vhai #20: 2025

This is just train of thought, so forgive me if what I write don't seem cohesive.

---

There's a hard line where the old me died and the new me was born if you're going to base it off the entries on this blog. It still gets to me. I still can't believe I was that person. I don't mean to sound like I'm looking down on my old self. It's not that. It's more like... how did I survive that long? How did I let myself be that for that long? I was blind (or turned a blind eye) to a lot of things, but now that I have chosen to see them, I can't unsee. It is a blessing, yes, but it really took me out of the comfort zone that is my uncomfortable life.

Seeing how things are in the present made me realize a lot of things. I know I have recounted some of these to you. I still get some new realizations from time to time and at this point I'm just astounded how foolish I was to let things happen the way they did. I was misaligned. If my life was a spine, it would have severe scoliosis.

But I also realized like, ah, that's why some things did not push through, why some things didn't happen. It probably wasn't part of God's plan for me. I wasn't aligned. It's why I never got out of this black hole.

And then one day, or over the course of several days and weeks, it started to change. It started to turn. Life seemed possible now, if you get what I mean. It still feels weird to have this much hope for the future, and this much excitement, and this much CERTAINTY that I'm so SURE that the things I'm praying for will happen. I used to pray and hope, sure, but it was just all on the surface. Underneath that flimsy exterior, I was broken and hopeless. So that must be why I wanted to die all the time.

I prayed for clarity when I started this journey back to faith, back to God. Sometimes you wouldn't like what God shows you. It is what it is. I needed that clarity. Some things hurt to see, to know, to realize, but I needed that clarity. I thank God for clarity all the time.

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Do I hate this year? I mean how could I, when this is the year the Lord took me out of the dark and kept holding my hand. This is the year I found myself again. This is the year I opened up to my oldest friends again. This is the year I was honest with whatever's been happening in my life. I don't love 2025, but I'm grateful for what it allowed me to do, what it allowed me to be. What it's allowing me to be.

There's still A LOT to work on with myself, with my life, with this tangled web that I wish to get out of but for the first time in my life I'm excited for the future. All things are possible. It's still a weird feeling. It's like I can't believe this is my life now.

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Gratitude.

It wasn't like I was an ungrateful wench all my life, but I was so deep in the trenches that I couldn't see the light of whatever blessings God gave me. I feared good things because I knew the other shoe would fall and something bad will happen. That's how I used to be.

Apart from my other friend's advice to surrender EVERYTHING to God, Vhai's advice about gratitude is one that really impacted my life. Now I see God in everything. I see the blessing in everything, even the smallest things. It feels peaceful. It feels calm. It makes you realize how you have been surrounded by blessings all this time. Even the simple thing of being woken up from sleep every morning is a blessing.

And with that I would like to thank you guys for being my anchors, for supporting me through all this. I just pray for all of us all the time that we all be enlightened, that we all stay healthy and happy, that we all get clarity to make us see things clearly. I pray that we deserve the things we pray for. I pray that God gives us the things we pray for. I really couldn't have made it if God didn't place you guys in my life. Sometimes I feel emo about the fact that God planted this friendship seed in us when we were so young. And of all the people in that school, we were the ones who ended up friends, and are still friends to this day. God works through everything and the more I go through this faith journey, the more I see the way God works even when we think nothing is happening. So we trust. He will take care of us all. He is taking care of us all.

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Happy new year, guys. I'm excited -- truly excited -- for the year ahead. And as Koreans say: 새해 복 많이 받으세요! It literally means May you receive many blessings this new year. Love you guys.

[projectliee]

Lord, please let me deserve it beautifully. Let me have it. Let it be to Your plan. Please let it be my dreams come true. Lord, please let me deserve it.

[projectliee]

Lord, you know what...

You know what's on my mind and in my heart. I just... That's my constant. And if this isn't truly for me, Lord, please make me lose interest. Please take it away.

I say this as though I'm doubting or don't have faith. You know it's not that Lord. I know you will grant me this. Maybe I just need to really work on myself and prepare well. And I hope this prayer is also preparing itself for me.

[projectliee]

Letters to Vhai (and now Jo) #19

There's 19 of these already? Wow.

I'm just stalling from studying because parang inaatake na naman ako ng ADHD, yung tipong ang dami kong gusto gawin sabay-sabay habang nag-aaral so I just stopped muna tapos I decided to write here. Wala lang din. I just felt like writing, make konting kwento. You'll see how scattered my thoughts are because the topics will probably be all over the place.

.....

The super typhoon (Uwan/Fu-Wong) just passed and the fact that there are barely any casualties (although the best number of casualties would be ZERO) is a miracle. It's a reason to be thankful for. Thank God for that. I am grateful. My anxiety over this typhoon has been high. Prayed for it to weaken and all that. I know a lot of people did, too. Thank God for the Sierra Madre, although that does not diminish the damage it caused on the coastal towns. It was a bitch of a typhoon. But I'm glad it's peaceful and quiet now. Oh, Lord. No more of this, please.

.....

I wrote about this in the actual physical journal, but lately, I feel like things are slooooowly falling into place. Not in a big way. Slowly. It makes me stop what I'm doing sometimes when I realize it. And lately I've been remembering things somewhat connected to this thing I'm praying for. Maybe it's confirmation bias, maybe it's the Lord, who knows? I just keep praying for this thing, for the things leading up to it, for the preparation I need to undergo to receive it. And I do pray that if this is not for me, to banish it out of my heart completely.

.....

I think I wrote or talked about this before, but I used to hate my name when I was younger. It was too formal, too lang, and I've been hearing the same things, the same jokes about it since I was a little child. So I didn't really like it. It evokes a different mental image from what I see myself as, or even how I look like and present myself. I just felt really detached and far away from it.

As I've gotten older, however, I realized being named that contributed to me becoming who I am. I was wrong for thinking that my name could only represent women who act and look a certain way, when there's me who doesn't really fit that image. I feel like I could make it come across as there's no one way for Filipinas to be. I don't mean this to be in a manic pixie dream girl, pick-me girl kind of way, but like... we can all coexist in the same space and be celebrated for what we are and what we have become and what we can become. Wala lang.

.....

Things I'm grateful for (a random list)

The super typhoon weakening and not taking many lives. Prayers for those who perished (2 at the time of this writing). I hope the people who lost their homes get the help they need to rebuild.

My cat is sleeping and not actively fighting with me or demanding my attention. This is probably because I turned the aircon on at the appointed time (appointed by his Majesty, Soju the Persian). This cat loves me hahaha.

I think I'm thankful for the ability to still learn new things. I think my brain is finally cooperating. All those 40Hz gamma audios (many variations) I've been listening to probably work. I realize I'm retaining what I'm studying. Maybe the next step is for me to actually speak or talk to myself in the actual language I'm studying. I realize I know more than I think.

The Lord's provision, always. Sometimes I really don't know how it gets to me, but it gets to me. I am able to live and not drown. I can even dream again.

I haven't had collarbones showing in a long while, and they're starting to show. They're not obvious yet, but they're starting to show themselves lol. It's not a requirement, but they're kinda nice to see again.

Ayun lang. I better get back to studying :) Love you! See ya soon. Book our flights soon!

[projectliee]

Letters to Vhai (and now Jo) #18

I cried so much in October. So much.

It was part anxiety, part depression, part hormones, part grief and mourning. October was exhausting and I think I was holding my breath and had my jaw clenched the entire time, bracing myself for the worst. So to be honest, I was bracing myself for no reason because nothing really happened and for that I'm grateful. This month had been so busy though.

While October might be exhausting, it is not without blessings. September was spent praying for clarity. October was spent pleading with God to never let go of my hand. All the tears I cried and all the feelings I've been feeling the entire month put up a red flag in me. I felt I was starting to slip. I prayed harder. I prayed for peace and calm. Thank God I was given that. And I was blessed with reasons to smile, reasons to keep standing. This may sound weird but I just feel like I'm in constant conversation with God and that my spirituality is evolving still. For this I'm grateful. Always. In all ways.

I still have a lot to learn, but the important thing is I'm learning. Di ba ganun naman gusto natin mangyari? Fall forward. Move forward. I do wish for a day where I don't have to give anything I don't want to give.

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That writing thing that I was a semi-finalist at, I joined that not exactly on a whim but I was on a stretch of getting my goals sorted and having this goal that if I say I will join a contest, I will. It was nice to have that sense of accomplishment of actually submitting something and have judges actually like it enough to shortlist it? Even if I did not become a finalist (they released the finalist list today), I was still happy because I got so far. Also I don't think I could promote that, given the story I submitted hahahaha. I could show you if you want. It's too on-the-nose and kinda asking for trouble.

Nevertheless, it felt like a pat on the back from God, like an affirmation of the things I'm praying for, that it's not as impossible as I deem it to be, that I should continue with this path.

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Emman Atienza's death kinda triggered me, but it made me open up with some co-workers (far too casually) that I once tried to kill myself at that age. I could talk about it now because I feel like I'm far from that person now, that it's something I can share now as a learning lesson. And that conversation with my co-workers ended up with learning a lot about them as well, and also possibly finding a psychologist to help diagnose possible Au/DHD that I suspect I have. And this psychologist could possibly help me with therapy as well. So I'm glad. Something came out of it.

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I'm grateful for a lot of things.

My friends.

The group chat.

That we were able to have a session this month. I'm glad I'm able to go these past couple of times.

Vhai's vision that she told me about a while back, that I pinned in our chat, that I've been thinking about lately.

All the ice cream at ICEGEX.

Stress-free co-workers even with our stressful jobs during these stressful holidays.

These language lessons. I'm so excited every day. Like I have a purpose.

Making art again. I feel like I'm myself again.

That thing I'm praying to God about. Thanking him already for it.

The Lord's provision.

I cried so much in October. So much. And if you cried a lot too, may these tears water the blessings we will get for the rest of the year and beyond.

I love you. May flowers always line your path. <3

[projectliee]

Letters to Vhai (and now Jo) #17

The past couple of weeks has been difficult for me. IF I had been as unhinged as I was before, I would have lost it. I can't imagine feeling like this and not have an anchol to rely on, do you know what I mean? I don't know how I would have behaved if I didn't have my quiet times and my constant conversations with God, pleading for a calm heart, calm hormones, a calm mind. Like I said, it felt like the devil was whispering garbage in my ear, trying to derail me.

I'm in this precarious (not really, but maybe a bit) stage of my life where I'm not trying to tip over at the moment. I'm exhausted because it takes a lot of effort to put on a normal face for work and for life. It takes a lot of effort to function well (still) because I have no choice. I have a job to do. My problem is I can feel it crawling in my skin, the very distinct ache of not being where I want to be yet.

Patience. Being still. The Lord is teaching me to be patient, to wait, to trust. I honestly don't doubt that the things I have prayed for are mine. The question is am I worthy yet to receive it? Am I ready? Also, this prayer will happen in stages. One cannot happen without the other. Parang may pre-requisites sya. Steps. Levels. I know in my heart I am still in the process of preparation, and preparation feels like being churned into pulp. I'm not ready yet. And whatever I'm praying for may not be ready yet for me. It's all preparation.

It pains me. I'm human. That's why I've been praying a lot, because who else do I tell my agam-agam to? And I'm very thankful that God doesn't get tired of me talking to him every 3 seconds about the very same thing. He knows my heart. He knows my mind. He understands this is not borne out of a lack of trust. I'm probably just very excited.

But oh, Lord, I'm so tired of crying... even if crying does lighten the heaviness I feel. At the moment, I feel better. The sadness was partly hormonal and I'm on my period now (TMI, yes, I don't care lol) so a lot of the fog has lifted. I never liked crying even when I was younger. But right now, what can I do? If I don't cry it out, I'll walk around with a heavy heart and heavy shoulders.

I'm not in any danger; I'm just not where I want to be, where I should be.

But still... I'm grateful:

You know, whenever I'm about to spiral, God sends me something -- a sign I asked for, or something funny. God always sends something that makes me laugh or cheers my heart up. Grateful I can still find things funny.

Look, I have food to eat and a roof over my head. That's God's provision.

I'm not sick. No one in my life is sick. Even if my parents make my blood pressure rise, at least they're not sick sick, do you know what I mean?

Grateful for the opportunity to pray. Honestly. I never had that before.

The opportunity to have language lessons, and I'm grateful that I'm actually progressing lately.

Art inspiration. Currently sketched Vhai's and I sketched Part 2 of my 인연 series. Will start on Vhai's in November (because I'm just trying to normalize my work schedule) and also I do have language lessons. But I earmarked November for that. My hope is I could hand it by December. :)

Steadily getting out of debt, which is nice. Still a long way to go, but I don't feel like drowning anymore. Sometimes I have flashbacks of the feeling I felt a couple of months ago, and so I'm grateful for the opportunity to redirect and deflect these thoughts back to the present time. Grateful for everyone of you who helped keep me from drowning.

If I write less here, that's because Vhai gave me a journal and I write a lot there. :)

Praying for you and your intentions. Until next. :)

[projectliee]

My real thoughts

Sometimes I think I'm delusional for thinking God will answer my prayers not because He won't... but because I don't think or I can't believe that I deserve such blessing. It's not because I don't have faith. I believe it's set; the Lord will give it to me at the right time, when I'm ready, when everything's ready and it's just a matter of when.

But do I deserve it? Me? What have I done to deserve it?

But then... God loves us, scars and all. We are blessed not because of who we are but because of who HE is.

Lord please continue to guide me through this life. I truly don't know what to do most times.

[projectliee]

Letters to Vhai (and now Jo) #16

I'm just grateful that Baks is recovering from her (seemingly) sudden illness. Here's the thing: If you don't make time to rest, your body will force you to. And it's not as fun as when you schedule resting/decompressing time yourself.

I'm glad you're on your way to recovery now, meds are working, Bubuy's also doing okay na.

Just please let's all try to not let illness get that far again.

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I'm also grateful that I have friends, you guys, our barkada. I truly wouldn't know how I'll fare without the friendship. We were just kids alphabetically seated in class and now here we are. So thank you for you.

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As for me, I'm just really looking forward to God's future, God's plan. It's probably the only thing that keeps me going, although I would have to admit that later today I was so close to asking God to put me in a coma. This PMS is PMS-ing. I was listening to calming sounds and my praise playlist and also some Grace Prayer audio. It helped. But I hope tomorrow is better. It feels like the devil is whispering despair in my ears, that there's no way out of this, that I shall be stuck here for the rest of my life. It's kind aoverwhelming.

Right now as I type this, I'm doing okay. Chilling. Watching TV Patrol on Youtube and getting ready for language class. It's Friday tomorrow. I think I have work to take home this weekend, and then the next week is going to be busy. I wish December 31 na, to be honest.

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I need to get better in redirection, anxiety management, and I need to get my life together truly.

I hope you have a good night and a good Friday and a good weekend :)

[projectliee]

Just Thoughts for today

All throughout the day I just had so many thoughts that I wish I wrote them down as soon as I thought of them... but I cannot possibly do that in the middle of Mass. So as always, these will be piece-meal, seemingly random, and medyo disjointed:

There's a Bible verse that seems to follow me -- Habakkuk 2:3. It's a very reassuring verse to me at least. And I understand when the algorithms on my devices decide to show it to me since I like similar posts. It's still a nice surprise when I come across it online. However, it was part of the 1st Reading today. At Mass. And honestly, all readings today were about the themes I'm pursuing like faith, patience, waiting on the Lord. I actually saw it was part of the reading when I looked up what the readings were for today. I was rendered speechless because... wow? I am in this waiting season... praying for something and waiting on God. The Lord is preparing me for what I prayed for and I cannot hurry it. I will get it when it's the right time. There are a lot of metaphors we can employ to explain this, but one that stands out is that God planted this dream in me, this prayer, this desire. So now he is tending to it. He is watering it, making sure it grows best. I need to wait before I can see the fruits of that seed, that dream come to fruition. I sometimes think am I delusional for thinking God say yes to THAT? It seems impossible, but nothing is impossible with God. Separate friends have told me that our God is a big God. We cannot put Him in a box of a human's failures and limitations. What is impossible to us is but nothing to Him. I think I'm projecting my limitations to my prayer, my dream, my desire and I should stop doing that. I need to be still. God is working on it. And one day I will get it. I have asked Him that if this prayer, this dream, is not for me, to make me lose interest, to take it away, to make me not want it anymore. As of this writing, that dream is what keeps me going.

Sometimes I think I pray to God too much that He must be sick of me. But it's really nice to have someone to talk to that you know fully listens to whatever you say, right? My prayers throughout the day are mixed. Sometimes I just stop to pray about my life and my dream -- THAT dream -- and sometimes it's a quick Thank you for even the littlest thing... Last Friday, because it rained and it was, well, Friday, I had a difficult time booking a ride home. I tried for like an hour and drivers just canceled on me when they got nearby. It was so frustrating. I decided to just eat dinner alone at a restaurant nearby. I got to relax, eat, spend some me time as I watch Quezon Avenue's horrible traffic. I thanked God for the provision and the foresight to do that. I prayed for a safe ride home, and I just thought that the rides who canceled on me are not for me, that the Lord is keeping me safe. I booked a ride around 8pm and it was a pretty smooth ride. We didn't get stuck in traffic much because it was 8pm already. My patience was really tested that day, but I think I passed. I was calm. Was that a test, Lord? I admit it was frustrating especially as I was trying to book rides for an hour. But I was calm. Didn't throw a tantrum.

Another test... I thought I would be at the Super Junior concert last Saturday but God had other plans. I thought I was fine with it. I really was, but I couldn't help but feel just a teeny tiny bit sad at that situation. But I know I had to choose being a responsible adult and steward the resources handed to me responsibly. And also, God did say no. Clearly.

As for my prayer, my main one... I know I sound delusional but I think God said yes. And that has been my source of comfort and calm. As a makulit person, I do confirm from time to time, not that I don't believe in God and his power, but I just wanted to make sure these are not my thoughts or the enemy talking. God said yes, but not yet. But I have been given reassurances. And what I need to do is to be still. Prepare. Wait and pray. I wish I could tell people about it. For now, I only have God to talk to about this. I get reassurances, though. And for those I'm thankful.

Pastor David Hwang from Jubilee Church in Seoul has this series of lectures about the non-violence of God, and one of the things he says is that how you perceive God is how you relate to and with him. Like do you see God as a vengeful, violent God? Or do you see him as a loving father? It just makes me think a lot about how I see Him because even with the Bible stories of destruction, I never feared God in that way? My fear of God is fear of disappointing him, of failing him (which I have done countless times, I'm sure). But my perception of God is that of a loving father, always. Your dad wants the best for you, his daughter. He will admonish but he will also guide. He will allow storms, but he will also make sure I can handle it. He holds our hand through everything. Our life won't be a life without problems, but he strengthens us. We need to trust him, put our whole lives in his hands. And sometimes surrender happens more than once. I'm human. I'm learning. But the things I did surrender fully, I have seen him work through them to protect me.

I'm excited to see how this all works out. It's not going to be easy, but I'm looking forward to it. For now, my job is to wait and prepare as he prepares me.

I got teary in church again earlier. Because of Anima Christi (yes, the song). It just makes my heart go to my throat.

Gonna try to squeeze in an hour of language lessons now.

[projectliee]

Letters to Vhai (and now also Jo) #15

Earlier today as I sat on my ride home I had a thought come to me: What if I just kept the peace, kept status quo, and just went back to how things were -- me swallowing myself and making myself small, continually doing things for others, forgetting my own interests, losing interest in my own interests, ond basically forgetting and ignoring myself again, crawling back into my hole to be quiet so that no one would be uncomfortable with what I want with my life. It felt like th devil whispering lies to my ear. It did make me sad for a bit. A bit lang. Like I told you before, I will actively redirect any thoughts like that.

Because why would I voluntarily do that? I know the answer, of course. You know the answer. It's force of habit to be the peacekeeper, to not disrupt lives, but I do know they come at MY expense somewhat. I already feel like I wasted so many years pining after what I truly want to do. That time is gone now. And this new era is one where I decide to make myself happy, no matter how long it takes. It won't be easy but at least I know I will be in a good place once I truly subscribe to what I want to do.

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The past week has been great for me. I started waking up more peaceful. I had less anxiety --- like way less. I only had a bout of anxiety when I had strong coffee the other day, and even that is my fault. I guess I'm learning to regulate? Or I'm learning to accept peace? Maybe my prayers are working in that I am being trained to be peaceful? I'm not quite sure, but I do feel better compared to, say, a month ago? Wow, it's only been a month?

I have a very distorted sense of time these days.

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I know I've told you guys this before in passing, and in chat, but as parents, you guys are doing a great job raising your kids. I hope you guys know that. I know when you're deep in an episode or an issue or a problem, it might not feel that way, but as a third-party observer, believe me, I see all that you do.

Being a parent is hard work and you guys do it beautifully. Just look at how your kids are. And in the next few years, see how your kids turn up. You are doing great work. Amen.

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You know, today was great. Let's start my list of things I'm grateful for, no matter how mundane.

Okay, today. I had to cover a work event but thankfully, it was a food event and we had TONS of food heheh. Ate so much that I didn't have to eat dinner.

I had a haircut. Actually it's not just the haircut, it's more like I'm grateful that I have afforded myself the time and the effort to care for myself. So grateful for myself to take care of myself? :)

Quiet time. At 4:30 in the morning. Although sometimes I find that some people in this compound are already awake at that time, nagwawalis at that hour sa labas??? lol But for the most part, it's quiet, it's serene, it's my time to pray and reflect. It's given me a nice start to my day, before I listen to the news. It's funny talaga na I go from praying and listening to devotionals to listening to what's happening in this country. What a contrast. Pero sitting still in the morning (for me) prepares me well for the day ahead. Other people do it at night para to end the day on a good note and to pray in advance for the next day.

The conversations I've been having with you guys over the past few weeks. They're equal parts uplifting, enlightening, comforting, and assuring. It's nice to be out of this hole and to be finally filled with light from my friends. Love you.

Clean sheets.

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I wish to see you soon. :) I'm praying for you guys always. Be well. :)

[projectliee]

Letters to Vhai #14

Hello to Jo, too, if you're reading this hahah :)

I suppose we have a lot to be grateful for this weekend. Well, araw-araw naman we have a lot to be grateful for, it's just that this weekend was one for the books. So I'll just list the things I was grateful for the past days, no matter how mundane.

Catching up with Jo. I truly wish I am more in tune with what's going in with my friends' lives, but I suppose I isolated myself from almost everyone. I didn't think I was but looking back now, I really did. So it was good to catch up. And also good to hash out some thoughts I had.

The rally -- getting there safe, rallying safe, getting home safe. It was peaceful. I got rained on, but it was okay. It was nice to feel hope for this country again. Most of the time kasi you feel like no one is as angry as you and your friends, that there's not enough of you to make a change. It turns out, there's a lot of us. There's apprehension, but there's also hope that something just might happen this time. Something lasting. Something that would finally get this country out of this rut. I don't want to keep protesting or be back in EDSA when we're in our 60s because nothing has changed.

Friends. Chosen family. That conversation I had with Jo drove home the point that my friends are great. I did good. I think the only thing I did right so far was being able to choose friends like you guys. Jo was right in saying she feels like she's finally coming home when she's with us. Honestly I feel the same. Safe space talaga. No pretenses.

I don't know if I ever mentioned by co-workers here before, but I'm glad that I don't have to go to a toxic workplace. I may not be actually part of any group or clique or barkada in the office, but as a department, it's pretty solid. I don't really feel unwelcome; it's just that I prefer being a lone wolf. Also, I already have friends lol. I'm not rejecting their friendship; we are friends to some degree.

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And now some thoughts?

I mentioned the grief that comes with obedience, right? Man. Obeying God is hard and I feel guilty for the grief I feel. Then I come across sermons and posts about how saints and elders were also apprehensive and mournful and scared about doing what God willed them to do. Then I also thought of Jesus's agony in the garden, and how we has agonizing over what was to happen to him, but he chose to obey God still.

I'm not comparing myself to Jesus, and my agony is nothing compared to his, but it did give me a point of reference. If the Son of God, his human part, can feel that way about obeying God's will... how do I say this... it doesn't make me go "Yay!!!" but it does make me feel seen and understood.

Do I still cry about it some days later? A bit, yes. It was worse when I realized what I had to do to obey.

I'm trying to frame it as preparation for what I'm praying to God for. I'll do my best then.

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It's difficult being this age because I don't feel my age. By that I don't mean my back doesn't hurt when I breathe wrong or something. I just don't feel 43. There's no checklist of how 43 feels, but right now I feel like I have more time to do the things I want to do, have things happen that I want to happen? Maybe because seeing the light, feeling like I'm going back to myself, so it feels like I'm back at that age before I started drowning? Like truly drowning? I've been probably depressed since age 12. I sometimes see my journals and I just want to hug that kid who was writing these things. When I was younger I always seemed older and that's probably because I was ready to die lol. I was wishing for it. But now I'm at this strange (for me) time in my life that I'm excited about what's in store for me.

It's not without challenges. I'm also not perfect at all. I just learned to redirect anxiety into something else, quiet the thrum that goes along with it. Don't let my heart pound. Knowing full well I'm not in danger.

As for sadness... I think I just come with the melancholy. It doesn't sit as heavy because my thoughts right now are geared towards the future, which makes me work on my present even more. I do still feel sad especially when I'm PMSing. But I'd rather be sad than anxious. Sadness I can deal with. Anxiety is a bitch. I never want to go back to my anxiety breakdown ever again.

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You're in therapy, Jo's in therapy, our other J friend also went to therapy... so I'm thinking about therapy. But not yet. Not right now. Not yet. It's there on the list, just not now.

But I'm glad it's on the horizon.

Healing is a process, right?

Even in this spiritual journey, my admonition to myself was I will not do what I want to do. I don't want to force anything. I will discipline myself to my morning devotionals and going to church on Sunday but that's just me committing to those things. If I feel like my heart isn't into it yet, I won't do it. Not yet.

I think doing things out of "because I have to" got me in a lot of trouble. Catering to other people's needs and never my own. I became my own afterthought, and that's what led me to this situation.

Putting myself first is new. I can't remember a time when I did that, even back then when I was going to the movies alone, eating alone, strolling alone. It's refreshing? It's also unusual. I'm not used to it.

There's still guilt. But i'll get over that fully, soon.

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I'm just excited about the future. I used to look at the future with dread. It seemed like an extension to my suffering. Now I just wanna see it, I wanna be there. Look back in hindsight and see how God has worked through me, how things worked out, how I have gotten through difficult things.

I did pray for something. Something big. Something impossible. But I think it's being worked on. And I only have to be still. Do my best here and now. Prepare myself for that future. So I will.

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These Senate hearings are testing my patience lol. But I can't stop watching??? Hay.

So anyway... until the next letter!

[projectliee]

Letters to Vhai #13

I'm gonna put this under the cut, so please click mo yung Read More or Keep Reading na part lol. I don't want to put it out there outright.

My heart is broken, I know this now.

And I feel like the villain in my own story and his.

He's trying, but all I can think is this is how it should have been all along. I didn't have to experience a breakdown and then hear those words he said (which he sincerely apologized for). Because even if I know he's truly sincere in his apology, I keep hearing it in my head. So would that mean I'm the problem?

I feel sad because I just feel lonely now.

I used to have... well, I technically still have him, but I feel so far away now. My head is another space entirely. But I used to have someone to do things with, or plan things with. I know this opens up things I want to plan about for myself, things I want to do, but you know, I feel like I can't tell him anymore about restaurants to try, or places to go to. And this is just because of what I feel at the moment. I feel like I lost that already. And I don't really want to go back to it, because I know what will happen once I do. He doesn't even notice if I cry. I've been crying alone for years, then I just dust myself off. Is that the life I foresee for myself?

And God already promised me a better future.

I know I have to live in the present because this is where we are. We need to live in the now.

He's not a bad person. I don't want to lose the friendship. I don't want to hurt anyone. Kaya sometimes I thinking should I just sacrifice myself? Go back to status quo? For peace?

I feel like I'm betraying God himself if I do that.

All I'm left to do now is to trust that I will eventually get through this. In peace. With so much peace. Praying a lot. Cry a lot because it helps lighten the heaviness.

I'm glad I understood God already, that God already made sense to me when this thing happened because I won't know what to do if I feel like this and not have God to turn to and to pray to.

I don't know how to do this, Lord. Please guide me. And him.

[projectliee]

Letters to Vhai #12

I'm supposed to be working (I actually am, but I just took. a small break), but anyway...

I suppose I feel lonely right now as I type this? Like I kinda wanted to be comforted with a hug right now, but I don't know where I can get that anymore. I had a bout of anxiety when I got home for no reason.

No, you know what. Scratch that. I know the reason. I'm PMS-ing. I'm about to have my period and my hormones just started ganging up on me. I just prayed and took deep breaths to be able to feel some comfort. It's better now. It's just starting to creep in into "overwhelmed" territory. It's nice that I am able to identify this cause because if not, I'll go crazy.

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I really liked what happened at the bank earlier. It was already raining when I hailed a trike (it was nearby) to go to the bank. I could have decided to go later during the day, or even go tomorrow, but for some reason I decided to go right at that moment.

I have to put this here because it really made me happy.

What were the odds? It was lunch time. There was no line. Kuya driver could have been eating lunch at that time and not be at the bank until later. It all worked out. Amazing. Thank you, Lord.

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I've been crying a lot lately because there's some heaviness I feel, or maybe I feel overwhelmed at things, or I read something touching, and I just cry it out. I do feel better after, so there's that. I guess awe are at this part of feeling everything.

I still don't know what to do about this other situation. All I know is I feel too responsible. My head is elsewhere. My thoughts are elsewhere. My soul is probably elsewhere. Somewhere else.

Can we skip to the good part? :(

The thing with my feelings, I just need to let them out somehow -- either by writing about it, or crying about it, or talking about it. After that it's not heavy any more. This is a new practice for me because as you know, I'm the queen of suppressing feelings and burying them.

Should we file this under "Progress" then?

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Thank you for picking me up from my house last Saturday, baks. I know I shouldn't apologize for the traffic and rain because it's out of my control, but I know you wouldn't have been in that situation if not for me. I really appreciate you guys going on a road trip to come get me. It means a lot.

And I really loved spending Saturday with you guys. I was so happy. Letting me just hash it out in the car was also good. I don't really talk about this too much. I think it's good for processing stuff, kahit paulit-ulit. I just don't know what to do talaga. There's something I want to do but the question is should I do it?

There's still a lot of conversations that should happen, including numerous ones with God.

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Since I need to get back to work, I should proceed to my list.

Seeing how the Lord works in such a simple exercise at the bank earlier. So that's how it's like. :)

Maruya at the office canteen. The canteen people put this out at random and I have no idea when they like making it, but I just so happened to be hungry at that moment and was all set on eating whatever sandwich was left. But I saw the maruya and was immediately happy. :)

Saturday shenanigans. I missed spending time like that a lot. Also ate too much lol. Drank too much, probably. But I definitely enjoyed a lot.

The shoes and the self-care journal, and your journal. Thank you! It's nice having a journal to write in, to go back to a year from now.

Things working out in general, because God did that.

Good night for now, baks. Thank you. I hope you're feeling better by the time you read this.