Vents And Rants

You don’t know me He/she/it AuDHD | OCD | CPTSD | NPD | ASPD

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What in the endless incest was my dream even bro???

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I tie to much of my self worth to this fucking computer, I’m so pathetic but it’s just proving how horrible I am at taking care of anything, I should just give up atp

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Just so fucking annoyed at myself bro, I can’t do literally anything without messing up ughh I hate myself sm

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My voice started getting raspy when I started coming over to my grandma without my parents… it just never recovered from what she did to me

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“It wasn’t hitting so it’s not as bad” I would beg and plead and scream for them to get off me…

“But you weren’t hit” I almost passed out from the heat in that car and no one came to get me because ‘I’d come back on my own’

“It wasn’t really physical abuse” She told me to jump…

“Well it wasn’t hittinggg” I was so defeated I stopped banging on the door and laid on the grass in the middle of the night btw

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No wonder tickling makes me so uncomfortable, no wonder I used to scream like I was being murdered when my uncle would do it during those last years, he did nothing wrong, it wasn’t his fault I acted like that-

Thanks grandma

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I can’t do anything without needing to be pissed abt it or hate on it, can’t watch anything without being pissed or uncomfortable, can’t do literally anything- fuck me this is so fucking stupid- I’m so bored out my own mind I want to rip my own skin off and I have no relief other than the stupid fucken Lego show- pathetic ik, Godd kill me I hate this bullshit, I can hardly say I love my fucking partner without being ticked off about it!! Kill me genuinely

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I will never forgive her for making me hate my own mother while placing herself as my true mom all while doing- that to me-

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I am so fucking pathetic-

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I’ve always been so insecure abt my droopy eyes but my partner seems to have a thing for eyes like that, makes me unreasonably happy to know one of my biggest insecurities abt my face is appealing to the man I consider my soulmate, perhaps I’ll allow myself a giggle or two abt it, sigh… I love my partner…

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I think the only reason I have such issues with the fact I remember how my CSA felt is cuz I get off to it, I have no other reference point so I get off to what I remember of the feeling when I want the same thing to be done to me…

That being said I need beloveds mouth on me and tongue in me

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What a reward grandma… thanks-

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The fact I still get SEVRE pain in my side if I walk even just for a wee bit is so fucking fun I love it

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When you talk to your rapist and don’t feel uncomfortable at all so you sit there like “huh guess I just overreacted again”

Anyways, welcome back to front Kitty

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Seeing endo system doesn’t even piss me off anymore, willos tho?? Genuinely what’s wrong with you? What defect do you have in your brain that makes you think that’s okay? And putting yourself in danger so you can get a disorder? What is wrong with you??

You don’t want this, I had to endure being trafficked by my OWN GRANDMOTHER to end up like this, my whole life was ruined along with any possibility I ever had of getitng a normal childhood and general future and you WANT that??

For what? Some Quirky cute aesthetic??? Cuz you heard it’s just having friends in your head???? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU???????

Stop glorifying trauma and be happy you didn’t have to use THE MOST EXTREME coping mechanism ever just to fucking live, maybe be fucking grateful it never went that far you fucking loser, go outside and touch grass cuz you genuinely need it atp

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Me when I’m having issues with a disorder my therapist even agrees I have