so much of what happened in 2x5 really sharpened robby for me. there’s a bit of a jagged, almost intentional cruelty to the way he moves this episode. from his blatant distrust of frank, to the comment about dana needing a cigarette, to almost giving a beer to louie—it all starts to feel like a deliberate sabotage of hope.
robby seems to operate under a kind of fatalistic existentialism: the belief that once you are something—an addict, a failure, a lost cause—that is all you will ever be. but the deeper truth is that he’s terrified of the alternative. because if frank can get clean and stay clean, or if dana can function without a crutch, then robby loses his greatest armor: his excuses.
he treats his own flaws as set in stone, unmovable and unavoidable. he’s decided he’s finished—fixed in place—and because of that, watching anyone attempt the grueling, unglamorous work of change feels like a personal indictment. he validates the worst impulses of those around him because their failure makes him feel safe in his brokenness. if everyone stays stuck in the mud, he doesn’t have to ask himself why he stopped trying to climb out; he doesn’t have to face the fact he’s still down there by his own design. hurting is familiar, a known quality, something robby feels he’s earned. he has fundamentally decided he is incapable of betterment and the concept of anyone else changing, growing, healing??? feels improbable! impossible, even.
it’s the same reason therapy never quite works for him, why he can’t find a therapist he likes. he doesn’t want a nice person to challenge his delusions of worthlessness; he wants a witness to his self-hatred—someone who will confirm every ugly thing he believes about himself so he can finally stop fighting the urge to give up. he hoards his mistakes like relics, blaming himself for things that aren’t even his to carry, simply because it’s easier to be a guilty man than to face the raw uncertainty of trying to heal.
knowing he sleeps with the tv on feels like another piece of the puzzle slotting into place. here is a man who the entire ED looks to for guidance, yet he is incapable of being alone with the person he is when the work stops. he gets through the day full of sounds and nonstop motion; the pitt keeps his head full so it never has to be empty.
he needs the noise the tv provides because he is paralyzed by the honesty silence forces on him. he can’t let a thought even begin to form, because if he does, the feelings start. the grief, the PTSD, the sheer weight of everything—it’s all too loud, too much. he has to keep the volume up at all times so he doesn’t have to hear himself think.
which makes his upcoming three-month sabbatical feel less like a getaway and more like a slow-motion collision. he’s a man who can’t survive a quiet evening in his own apartment, yet he’s planning to drive straight into the wilderness alone. it’s the ultimate contradiction: fleeing from himself by heading toward the only place where there’s nowhere left to hide.
it makes you wonder what it is he’s chasing. if we know the sabbatical isn’t ‘vacation’ and we know he’s spent years outrunning himself—outrunning grief, guilt, the quiet, the parts of him he doesn’t like—then what is it he’s going to find in the face of all that silence? all that time alone? nothing but the open stretch of road ahead of him?
kianamaiart
snowghoul
gummygunk
blakekathryn
theartofmadeline
