And today, we will be talking about the cycle of abuse, public callouts, and the shitshow that is the queer community
I'm just gonna say it: it's immature to publicly call out people without any action plan of what you want for justice. EVEN IF THOSE PEOPLE ARE SERIAL ABUSERS.
It is *not* immature to talk about your experience... but not in a way at the expense of hurting someone and ostracizing them from the community/resources when they're trying to heal.
-- For example, my gloriously talented and beautiful ex/spouse who has depicted themselves to be a kind and charitable enby abolitionist... abused me. And others. It is becoming more and more apparent that they are likely a narcissist. They, without question, controlled me, emotionally abused me, raped me via psychological control, imprisoned me in a purposely rodent-infested household, made ultimatums, used covid as a form of control, terrorized my brother with graphic videos of police brutality (even knowing that my brother has been assaulted by the police), and most likely cheated on me the whole time with their ex-partner (and I suspect that they have loved them the whole entire time while just using me as a naive warm body that they can have sex with). We still had a fucking life, and we had a lot of love for each other - we got married. We had a household. We did a bunch of activities together. Their family was my family. My family was their family. We cooked together. We got takeout together. We walked together. We talked for hours nearly every day. We had established patterns of loving things. We wrote each other love notes. They helped me come out. They helped me finish my fucking PhD. They defended me. They were my fucking best friend. They supported me through multiple life challenges. I tried to do the same. We were in a full-blown relationship, and ofc it wasn't abuse all the time. I loved them so much, and I believed in them. I still do. As I've told my therapist, my form of justice is: that they stay the fuck away from me forever, alimony and divorce, and I'm gonna share my experiences (via poetry, art, and a description of what I went through) with my friends and the world. I want them to get help. I have been clear about this from the beginning. I LEFT THEM SO THAT THEY COULD SHAPE UP AND GET HELP. It was my last act of love for them.
---
So.
When my close friend (a trans woman going through several cycles of abuse and addiction) makes a post about needing help on Lex... and then gets completely vilified and called out by multiple other queer, trans folks in our city.... omfg. WHAT A SHIT SHOW.
Does she need to be responsible for her actions? Hell yes.
Is vague posting and then describing details of her abuse of others on Lex... where everyone has different accounts of what happened... and where there is really no call to action on how accountability could be carried out... where she is currently in an abusive situation... the right thing to do?
No.
--
I am so beside myself. I hate this. I hate everything. The thing is... I do believe survivors. I do not know what the right course of action is. I want people to be able to share their truth, regardless of anything. I also don't want to see my friend die. That's it. I don't want her to die. I want her to get help and be drug-free so she can live a drama-free life. I don't want her to abuse people. I also want victims to get their justice, without comparative trauma debates. Believing survivors puts you in a difficult situation where there are many contradicting pieces of information based on subjective accounts. My ex probably doesn't think they abused me despite my proof.
--
This is the way I see it: She spoke up about her abuse. She asks for help. On Lex - a dating and community app for queer people.
Other ppl then spoke up about the abuse she has inflicted on them.
Everyone is upset.
No one is getting help or justice.
No one is talking about the epidemic of substance abuse and toxic sexual behaviors.
I don't disbelieve anyone but I have witnessed how she has been scapegoated by many people in our community over the past several years.
And... she was suicidal past Saturday - on her fucking birthday. While living in a crackhouse with her abusive girlfriend, who gaslit her into sex work for crack. Which hurts to see since I drove her to rehab last December (after she was SAed and friend-dumped by my stupidly abusive ex/spouse)... and she was doing so well until she relapsed.
I visited her on Sunday. At the crackhouse.
Last winter, I had friends and family fill out forms about how her addiction has harmed people in her community to give to her therapist.
Like - don't you get it - addiction, the world of sex work, queerness, and all of it is so fucking nuanced. It's a community issue to make sure people are safe. People are hurting each other all the time.
I want my friend to be accountable but I also want her to survive.
People deserve to say what happened to them - and I am not justifying my friend's actions or abuse.
But the callouts on Lex invalidated her experience and threatened her life, which was timed at a moment when she needed help.
So... while callouts can happen at any time, maybe these people can alert the community, draw boundaries that protect themselves and their friends, and talk about their experiences.... in a way that doesn't further ostracize everyone involved?
We are all so vulnerable. We need to stop hurting each other constantly.
Or maybe... I'm just too idealistic for my own good.
bruh
i did not fuck jon
i don’t want to date, fuck, or kiss jon. the thought of it grosses me out
i lived 3500 miles away throughout your entire relationship and you were the one mad that jon never left the house throughout covid, so plz explain when this cheating even happened? and why you only brought it up after I told you off?
plz stop making shit up
plz stop contradicting yourself & embarrassing yourself
plz stop calling anybody who doesn't like you a narcissist
plz stop making vaguely anti-cancel culture posts while you have an entire blog dedicated to publicly shaming somebody
it’s weird lol
why are you seeking a lifetime of alimony for a marriage with no kids that literally lasted 3 months... how can you do that and not expect to be universally clowned lmao
good luck not getting laughed out of the courtroom
Well at least my gf and I got a good laugh tonight in the midst of absolute terror and trauma about the prospect of hearing the voice of my narcissistic abuser who constantly yelled and controlled me.
Jon did a lot behind my back so it’s reasonable that I am nervous that they cheated on me too. Plus you literally have a picture of them on a collar on your Instagram.
And I have videos of y’all abusing each other, bitch.
Videos of us "abusing each other" and yet... somehow we worked things out as adults and went on with our lives instead of having a public psychotic breakdown and suing each other for millions of dollars
