my little diary, to whom it might concern

This is only temporary, perhaps forever and I'm stuck

[simulatedeternity]

This is me making memories again

Me waking up, then again closing my eyes

For things to repeat itself

Only that this time it feels different

Only that this time I am dancing again

Only that this time I am running again

Not towards a goal, for the purpose of existing

Breathing in the air that surrounds me as if it belonged to me

Not just an observant but the creator of things at the same time

A little goddess, a little light

[simulatedeternity]

I breath the same air but still

I am a imprisoned in my own skin

Stuck in repetitive thoughts that keep burning me out

Moved by bursts of emotions that push and pull my body into all directions

Drowning in worries and fear

24 and still the same

24 and nothing has changed

[nervous-corps-deactivated202011]

[simulatedeternity]

„You‘re too young to love this much“

As if love asks you

As if love was limited in a way

„But that is just me - I do love a lot“

For all I care love is when I feel safest

It is love that makes me wisest

„I am not afraid of love“

Knowing how much it can hurt to lose the people you love

„Oh yes but you see, love exists in every corner“

Yes it does, in each of your bones

In each of your freckles, each of your veins

In your eyes that tell the softest tales

In your mouth that speaks the kindest words

And it is when I think of you when I whisper: „I am not afraid of love“

[schuylerpeck]

I want to love you so well, your heart relaxes its shoulders all the way down; your body lets out the breath its been holding. I want my love to be such a safe place, the walls never shiver with sharp tongues or high volume. a love solid enough, when you count your worries for the day, our happiness sits miles from the list.

[metamorphesque]

What the Living Do, Marie Howe

[simulatedeternity]

Dear, we all loved you so much

Every step that you took

Every last moment we shared

Till the last breath of yours and beyond

With your voice that lighted up hearts

Your voice so deeply anchored in all of our hearts

With those memories I will miss you forever

My protector, my light, my childhood

You were there

With me, with us

Your kindness and warmth

To be next to you one more time

And how you deserve so much more

We all know

[simulatedeternity]

And maybe we’ll meet in the sky

Far away from the earth and everything else

I wish you a life full a peace

May everyone rest and find their peace

Just like I found mine in you

Because you’re an angel

And I see heaven in your eyes

And every time I see the sky it’s you I think about

And in my little world everyone is happy

And goodbyes never hurt

[simulatedeternity]

And I am just the observer at the end

The observer of all the chaos that was and still is within me sometimes

How far I’ve come and without even trying, how things have changed from itself

I have changed and so have the seasons

Sometimes warm, sometimes cold and sometimes just right

And I’ve planted little seeds in my garden again

I’ve been slowly taking care of them

I watch them grow, oh how hard they are trying

[simulatedeternity]

And the year is ending, the same as we did. The year is ending but it is far from cold. Finally, there is peace.

[simulatedeternity]

I have traveled back and forth

I have seen the future and the past

I arrived at this moment, a moment so long it made time stop

A moment so long, making me fill all gaps, paint all missing spots, puzzling pieces together

To be in harmony with everything you have ever encountered, to be in harmony with all you know

Small things becoming big and the big becoming small again

To breath in and out, on a search for endless inspiration

To be alive, dancing through time and discovering places

Tell me, are we not artists?

[simulatedeternity]

Sometimes I remember parts,

Blurry as they are, I can still feel what I’ve felt back then

How painful it was to say goodbye

How painful it was to accept and let go

I held you so close, blended myself out

Now I can see things more clear

And this war I’ve fought is over

No winners, no losers

Just our little story  

[simulatedeternity]

Dear past self, would you believe me if I told you that I chose myself?

[simulatedeternity]

And I want to say goodbye

Because you’ve been here for far too long

So I wish you a good night

Because I don’t want you to stay any longer

[simulatedeternity]

And I start to realise that perhaps I have deserved better all along

Perhaps I deserved a little bit more love

And what I have asked for was not a lot at all

And them - All those things you could not give me

I deserved them

And that this is the journey of someone who did not trust in herself

[simulatedeternity]

“If I don’t trust myself, then I have to find something in this world I can trust.”

[simulatedeternity]

I’m the problem. I was it all along.