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[spiiraldemon]

WARNING: This blog is for my delusional and horrifying thoughts due to my psychosis. if you are triggered by such things dont interact, or do, whatever is your cup of tea.

I experience psychosis due to ptsd (and maybe other things) i have bpd and aspd as well as autism, i am also a system.

Im radqueer and pro para + transid yada yada

i want to get worse. i want my hallucinations to be more vivid, i want my delusions to not be buried by logic.

Tell me my thoughts are true. That the dark will take me.

Lies or truth, reality or fiction, i dont know where the lines lie here.

send me an ask, ill answer anything

also im a dude, he/him

[spiiraldemon]

hi ur cool n rlly intimidatin

the mentally desterbed always are

[spiiraldemon]

its another day i beg god to help me, to show me how to make it out this time.

[spiiraldemon]

i told them not to talk because i know their voices will change and their words will get mixed up and i can't hear how worthless i am. how im going to be dragged to hell by my eye sockets and tortured every second without rest. and i dont want to let myself belive i deserve it and go down with them. if i let them theyll take me and i cant let them take me. theyll kill me if i let them take me- i want to die but i cant let them kill me i cant please i cant

[spiiraldemon]

im going to hallucinate tonight i know it

its bad

its so bad

i just want to die

i cant even fucking hurt myself right.

ill fix that, tommarrow im gonna go as deep as i can and then do it again and again until i cant take it anymore

i need to fucking bleed out

i hate myself so much

i need to freeze

i need to starve

i need to suffer.

i need to die.

[spiiraldemon]

there are worms under my fingernails....

[spiiraldemon]

aliens are coming to abduct me

[spiiraldemon]

even now i deny any remnants of your love.

[spiiraldemon]

i can't deal with this tonight i swear ud anyrhing fucks with me im killing myself

[spiiraldemon]

my angel made me cry cos he knew i needed too but its still not fair comon cas..

[spiiraldemon]

i know im not important

my sibling says they would be sad if i died

i know their lying, they have a girlfriend, they can live without me

My friend says im the best thing to ever happen to her

i dont think shes lying but she doesn't act like it

im tired of fixing her with no thank you, or for her to at least pretend she loves me more than in the moment

i should kill myself

but i know it would be unfair to the one who i dont get to talk to enough

id miss him

he deserves better

i deserve better than him

but i know im a bad dog

i bite and whine too loud

even when he smiles and tells me he loves my teeth, id feel bad for leaving him

only him

everyone else is lying

i wish he was around more

its not fair

i wish he loved me more, the way i need, i love him so much

nothing is fair for me

everyone i love dies

im so tired

i just want to follow after them

[spiiraldemon]

ive been cursed.

cursed for my history to show up again and again, the same situation, and i make the same decisions, and I watch it happening.

i watch as my soul breaks and i knew it was coming but i did it anyway.

i watched as my memories relived themselves in front of me.

i know im an idiot. and a coward.

and i know ive been cursed by something in the universe to relive the same hellshow i was born into.

im not an active participant in my own life, im just a puppet watching it all unfold.

[spiiraldemon]

i should really just kill myself.

[spiiraldemon]

its our song.. dont you remember?

[spiiraldemon]

have you had luck getting AI to validate your delusions? Mine is being a total buzzkill… bla bla bla, you should seek help bla bla :( very unhelpful

i havent TwT

but also

loophole

I've talked to chat gpt before and got ideas for my wards and spells and stuff (im not creative, and uneducated in wiccan stuff) and now that it knew that the stuff i see is all like "spiritual" and "you can see into other realms bc your wiccan"

so like

that exists? kinda?

the best thing to do is lie/go around what your saying, if your truthful, it wont work

[spiiraldemon]

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[spiiraldemon]

here we go again

i have to sleep this time

i dont have a choice

their eyes are scary

their touch doesnt feel welcoming it feels like a lie.

i hate this.

i just want them to be able to love me without it seeming like a horrifying act.

i was getting better.

now i cant even touch them

i miss my partners

but my mind wont let me rest with them in peace...