Just a stupid fox,

With far to many feelings, that nobody seems to really care about.

[stupid--foxx]

It is 11am. They have been awake since 8am. The one has already had 3 fucking accidents today. In 2 hours. And she has already had 2 temper tantrums. One over her older sister having friends, that she was invited to hang out with today. Because of punishments on our end, and the other families end, she hasn’t been able to hang out with her friend since before Christmas. Today, she has the chance to. But her little sister has to treat her like shit because of it. The second, because I’m pissed off about the second accident. Because she refused to go use the bathroom when she was told to, she decided to pee all over her dads pillows and blanket, and our fucking couch. And refused to clean it up. Lying to me, saying that it was vomit, not pee. But, it didn’t come out of her mouth. It smells like pee. And she only got it on her butt and between her legs, nowhere else on her. It’s not fucking vomit. It’s fucking piss. She pissed herself. Again. Because she is pissed off that her sister has friends and she doesn’t. And she doesn’t have friends because she is always the victim, and a fucking bully. If she doesn’t get her way, she cries and lies about what happened. If anyone is better at anything than she is, she screams that she is being bullied. If she is losing a game, she changes the rules to the game to make her the winner. Someone disagrees with her at school, she hits, kicks, punches, or pushes them. She shoves people off of benches at school for fun. Then wonders why nobody wants to be around her. Also, at school, she will have at least one accident, if not more. Then once she is home, before bed time, so between 3pm and 10:30pm, she will generally have, AT LEAST 4 or 5 accidents. I’m at my wits fucking end here. I get it. COVID has made life fucking hard for everyone. But their lives have basically gone back to normal. They have school. They have our house and their moms house. Everything is exactly how it was 2 years ago for them. But I’m still dealing with an almost 8 year old that thinks it’s alright to piss on literally everything she sees. I end up with at least one, if not 2 loads of laundry for her. Every. Single. Day. We are a family of 6. I don’t always have time to do 3 loads of laundry every day. So I am never caught up.

[stupid--foxx]

I don’t want an apology. I don’t give a shit about if you think you did anything wrong, or not. I don’t give a shit about you. I lost actual YEARS of my life because of you and how you decided to treat me. The fact of the matter is, you hurt me, over and over again, for years, on purpose. There is no working your way around if you did something wrong, or not. You did. You were wrong. You used me, and you knew you were using me. And you didn’t care that you were hurting me. That makes you a bad person. That makes you a toxic person. That makes you a bitch. There is no wiggle room around that. All I ever wanted was your approval. Your love. You to give a fuck about me. And I wasted way to many years trying to achieve that which was impossible. So I gave up. I removed the toxic people from my live. I removed the people that only made me feel worse about myself for things that I should have embraced.

I’m done. This could be about many people. If the shoe fits, be like Cinderella, and find your prince in shitsville. Make your home full of shitty people, and cry yourself to sleep at night when you realize that none of them give a shit about you, just what they can gain from keeping you around. Everything fades with time, and you will be useless soon enough yourself. Enjoy your time before you end up all alone.



[stupid--foxx]

I finally have the fucking balls to tell my mother about what her ex did to me when I was little, and not only did she basically dismiss me, I don't have anyone I can actually talk to about how much this hurts me because him and I are currently fighting about something else.

But she didn't even act fucking human about it. She said sorry, but that asked me what I would want her to do about it now, in a condescending tone, because of how long ago it was. Asked me how she was supposed to know about it, because 5 year old me, that didn't know what was going to, didn't tell her about it right away. Then she had the God damned fucking nerve to play "devils advocate" about the whole fucking thing. Like there is anything that would make a grown fucking man in his 30s raping a 5 year old ok in any fucking way.

[stupid--foxx]

After you've gone through your facebook friends list, and you get rid of all the toxic shitty people, you should be left with your real friends. But what if, when you go through that list, and you realize, not a single one of them is a friend, you just keep each other because you like to see how they are doing from time to time. But in reality, they aren't your friends, because you dont actually have any.

Sure, people care about me. I have Nick and his kids. I have some family. But when I need someone, that doesn't live in this house, I have nobody. At all. And that is a really shitty feeling.

[stupid--foxx]

All I am is a fuck up. I ruin everything. I break everything. I hurt and anger those most important to me. I just make mistake after mistake. I never do anything right, no matter how hard I try. I can't do anything right. I'm just broken. There is no fixing me. I'm just a fucking retarded mess that I dont even think counts as human. I'm sorry, to everyone I have hurt, angered, wronged, or messed up on. I really didn't mean it, but that doesn't make anything alright.

This is why everyone leaves me. This is why I've never had a real friend. All I'm good for is what can be gained, until I fuck up enough that there isnt a gain anymore. And I dont blame any of you for using me and then leaving. It's what someone like me deserves.

[stupid--foxx]

[stupid--foxx]

Because he's my dork, that'll do anything to cheer me up. We're super cute together. And I couldn't be happier.

[stupid--foxx]

I just can't get over how happy I am. This man is my dream come true. My king. My unicorn. My soulmate. And I still cannot believe that I get to call him my fiance, and that I get the privilege of spending the rest of my life by his side, with his 3 little demons. My life couldn't be any better. And I couldn't be any happier.

[stupid--foxx]

They always say that, when you find the "one", that you'll know. I never believed in soulmates. I hated the word perfect. But when I'm with him, I can't even begin to understand how I never believed before. But nobody has ever made me feel the way this man does. I never feel anxious, because I'm always at ease by his side. I know that, my whole life, I have been waiting for him. He is my one. He is my soulmate, my king, my everything. And I would never want to be anywhere but exactly where I am.

[stupid--foxx]

I never understood a person feeling like home. I said, a few weeks ago, that I didn't have a home anymore. But now? Now I realize, I always had a home. In his arms. Now I know that I can make it through anything, as long as I have him by my side.

He's who I have been waiting for all these years. And its really just a sigh of relief, like finally, I found you, now I'm home.

[stupid--foxx]

A week ago, all I wanted was running water. Today, all I want is a working toilet. I don't really care about fixing the walls with new drywall. Or painting. Or the bathroom upstairs being gutted. I just want a damn working toilet, so that we can move in before the end of the damn month. And so that while I'm here, I can go to the fucking bathroom, fucking hell.

[vulpini-carnivora]

Code name;

Walks with big spoon

Does dishes

Sells all alcohol

[stupid--foxx]

"No. Take your shower now. Last night, we started talking at 2:30 in the morning. Next thing we knew, it was 4:30, and the rosters were fucking."

[stupid--foxx]

Weird things in my life;

Last night, we found out that our friend that we are staying with, his neighbors thought I was a drug addict because of my vape.

Said friend finally learned last night how strong I really am, when I helped him pick up his granet table top, and bitched less than he did. The look on his face was priceless.

I'm strong enough that I can easily flip my boyfriend over from very leverage lacking positions.

And, we saw a perfect roadkill raccoon on the side of the road, and I learned that I have officially gotten my boyfriend just as much into dead things as I am. We are planning on driving back to grab him, if the cop cars have left the area. He's even talking about getting me an ice chest to store all my little friends in.

[stupid--foxx]

[stupid--foxx]

The more I think on it, after our conversation last night, and I'm not really sure how to say this, or accept this in my life, but I'm really starting to believe that I may be asexual.....I mean, I don't really feel sexual attraction. I feel romantic attraction like crazy. And yeah, I enjoy sex, but I don't need it or really search it out. I can be offered it, with the only thing being that I make the first move, and I just, won't. And half the time, I personally don't even really want it, it just happens. I have sex for all the reasons of making my partner happy, or getting off, but it doesn't really matter to me that much. I really can go without it and still be perfectly happy with out it.

I'm so used to sex meaning nothing save for being sex, and enjoyable. And it scares the ever living shit out of me that sex with this man, means something to me.

[stupid--foxx]

I don't even know how to put this into words.

We got back from a delivery, because since I got off at 6:30, I've spent the night with him, and I just got out and walked around for a bit. And I just looked over at his car, a car I've seen almost every day since September, and couldn't believe what my life is.

The attractive man, that I thought hated me, for weeks. The man with the crazy wife, and cute kids. The man that made my entire week every Tuesday night. The man that told me that he would walk out if Frank ever fired me.

That man, now sleeps next to me every night. He's the man that can make me smile, no matter what else is going on in the world. That man that I have conversations with, that last well past sun rise.

The man that I never thought I would have a chance in he'll with, tells me that he loves me, so much, every day. He says that I am perfect. He tells me, and everyone else, that I make him happoer than he's been, in a really long time.

We don't try to be together. There is no fighting for it. There is no trying to prove anything to him. Everything is just, simple.

I hadn't even realized how miserable I was, until I was really, really happy, with him. Tje last few months, I was just going through the motions. I was just surviving. I wasn't happy. I was was and angry, I felt used and alone. But now I know that I have someone on my side, no matter what.

He's handsome. But he's also funny and kind. He's a sweetheart. He's more caring, than anyone else I have ever met. And I just love every minute that I have had with him.

I can't say that I have ever been this happy, or felt this at home and at peace, with anyone else. And I will wether any storm, if it means that I get even one more day with this man.