my grandmother who is a pain in everybody's ass started talking to me and didn't fucking stop.
she asked why joel was there.
"joel doesn't like people."
"that's too bad, for you."
"why? i don't like people, either."
"really?!? i had no idea."
"yeah, i'd rather be in my room."
"i had no idea, i always thought you loved being the center of attention."
"nope. i just got really good at hiding it."
and then she didn't fucking leave me alone. she kept pestering me about how she always thought i was so happy and had lots of friends.
"no, gramma. i didn't have friends until about two years ago. i was bullied my entire childhood."
she was so surprised. why. because she never fucking opened her eyes? fuck off, old woman.
and then she asked me what i wanted to do for a job and i told her i wanted to be an astrophysicist. she of course equated it to being an astronaut. which, yknow, is the real dream, but i can't be one.
"why? is it because you're a woman?"
"it's because i have depression."
no, you misogynistic asshat, it's not because i'm a woman. it's because your fucking family cursed me with bad mental health and bad eyesight.
so let's recap. my grandmother has:
made me talk about the fact that i don't want to be there
and continued to talk to me anyway
reminded me that i was bullied my entire fucking life
and then implied i was less than a man
WHILE STANDING RIGHT IN MY FUCKING FACE.
this woman crossed so many of my boundaries i fucking left. i went inside and i stayed inside. i said goodbye to no one.
my mom said to me later, "i couldn't tell if you were having a good time talking to her or not."
me, internally, "it's because i can mask really well."
she said, "if you ever need me to rescue you from her, look at me and tap your nose."
me, externally this time, "if you ever see her talking to me, i don't want to."
i fucking hate my grandmother. she is a pain in my ass and a thorn in my side and i would be so much better off of i didn't have to deal with her. ever again.
i went to go see shang-chi and the legend of the ten rings with joel and his family after the fucking fiasco at home. it was really good. i also counted the number of white people in it who were main or recurring characters. there were no white main characters. there was one white recurring character, and he was romanian. so overall, the american white people count is at a big fat zero. which was really fucking nice.
but seriously. it was really good. plot, characters, action, no romance. it was good. you get sorta-awkward wildly attractive best friends on an adventure with the main guy's sister. so good. SO good. it's a movie about family and connecting to your heritage as much as it is about legends and MCU elements and stuff, and it was a really beautiful blend of artistry of all kinds.
definitely recommend seeing it. i'll likely see it again. it deserves it.
anyway, after the movie, i wanted ice cream, so joel and i went on an adventure in search of ice cream. we went to moo's; they close at 8 on weeknights. sad. i ask joel to check hayward's; they're open until 9, and it's quarter past 8 at that point so we were good to go. we made it there and got ice cream and enjoyed it in the parking lot.
on the drive to merrimack to hayward's, i thanked joel for coming with me on this adventure, even though i ended up going the wrong way. he said i could've dropped him at home, and i said, kind of in a tiny voice, "but i know i said i wanted ice cream, and i didn't want you to be disappointed by not getting some."
he said something that kind of surprised me, even after all this time.
joel said, "i didn't come because i wanted ice cream. i came with you because i wanted to spend time with you."
which gave me pause. we've been dating for almost two and a half years, and it still is weird to me for someone to want to spend time with me.
and then he said something like, "it's like i like you or something. a little bit. silly."
which also caught me off guard.
fuck. i'm gonna have so much material for christine next week.
but it was nice to spend time with joel. he's not an emotionally verbose person, so it was odd to hear all of that, but i gotta say? it was really nice. weird, but i guess i needed it. do i still need it? should i ask joel for more reassurances? i don't want to be that person.
also, the one saving grace of the cookout earlier was the fact that i got to talk to FF almost the whole time. it was so nice!! they sent me an updated selfie with the newly redone hair, they sent me pictures of her puppy who is still an angel and i love her, and we talked a little bit about the incident in the discord, and then a bunch of random things, but it was really, really nice to spend time and just talk with them again.
buuut yeah. i think that's all. good day, minus the grandmother. yeah.
