Blind Date Gaming: Choplifter III
I know there's some adage where ladies like a man in uniform. Typically, this is said about some member of the military, as their dress uniforms or whatever somehow increase their level of attractiveness I guess? Regardless of how ladies perceive crew cuts and camo, G.I. Joe set the de facto standard of soldiers for kid's media, of which Game Boy games fall into. So, let's take a wonder trip down the rough and rugged world of Choplifter III!
So you can basically tell what you're in for with the realistic helicopter that chops upward to our title. YEAH! Warzones! Brothers in arms! Bulletholes, helmets, and those sandbag barriers that look like a royal pain to move around! This feeling gets reinforced with the level splash screens, which are more pixelated photo war-type scenes that don't actually reflect the kind of hell that real wars are. Forget corpses and destroyed livelihoods; we're heroes here! With helicopters!
Guy looks like he's waiting for his takeout to arrive
So in this game, you're a helicopter pilot who must fly into warzones and rescue hostages. Hostages can easily be seen meandering around on the ground, waving their arms and stuff. Not sure what the strategy is for my adversaries, giving hostages free roaming rights. Whatever, I’ll take it! Luckily your weapons don't phase them at all or I would probably have murdered an entire platoon by accident.
Hey guys! Catch!
The enemy forces will stop at nothing to shoot you down, using turrets, planes, submarines, and more to pump your little copter fulla lead. Luckily, things aren't as realistic as in real life and you have a health bar to allow you to sustain more than one hit, though most hardware thrown at you will do like 70% of your HP. You can lose HP by running into walls and stuff too. There are health powerups, though, so it's pretty fair.
Good thing that bomb apparently has the explosion range of about how far a toddler can kick a ball
You have many tools at your disposal to fight these forces. You start with a missile-like 'G' weapon. You can unlock other alphabet letters to give you more options, but really, I never used most of them. Part of this was because I had no idea what most did since they were all just a single letter. Like, you have a 16-pixel sprite to work with, just draw a picture of what the weapon might be or something! A couple were essential to use, though. One was a flamethrower that apparently has unlimited ammo until you hit a tree with it. While it makes for a neat progression gate on a level, I can only imagine the canonical reason why this happens. Maybe the tree somehow tosses some sap up in the flame nozzle during the inferno, gunking it up to the point of uselessness? You're probably not supposed to think too hard about that, though. Sort of like real soldiers getting orders!
The war between Veteran’s Day and Arbor Day ends in a dramatic fashion here
Anyway, the default weapon is surprisingly versatile and a lot of fun to control. By default, it has a very slight downward arc, but you can make it fire a bit higher and lower by firing while moving; backwards raises the front of the helicopter, making it fire upwards and forwards lowers the front, doing the opposite. This helps a lot when attempting to annihilate the local fauna.
THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE RULER OF THE SKIES, AVIAN DIRTBAG!
You can also turn sideways, allowing you to drop shots straight down or at a downward arc while moving left or right. The enemy placement is actually very well done, requiring switching up between all of these maneuvers. It takes a bit to get used to the trajectories, but you’ll reach a point where it’s all second nature. Good job, programmers!
Take that! I'm bombing your WiFi next, you war-mongering jerkwads!
Anyway, you fly around 5 different-themed areas, including a naval battle, jungle, and typical warzones. The variety is nice and the enemies vary from area to area, so it stirs thing up. You even get tiny little guerilla guys throwing junk into the air at you! The weirdest sight is the final area, which is some odd attempt at making an isometric city. It kind of doesn't make sense visually, as you'll see tanks and cars in what seems like it should be air. Am I actually in the air? Yeah? Then why does every building that looks far away still hurt me when I fly into it? It's just confusin'.
Ugh, I hate fighting in M.C. Escher World
Anyway, after beating 15 levels and rescuing all of your indestructible squadmates, you beat the game! I mean, I guess the war ended or something? I dunno, maybe you just need to do these last jobs before you can retire and collect that sweet military pension. The ending screen certainly makes your pilot look like he needs a break. Maybe just some meds to stop the demons wreaking havoc in his chopper-filled noggin.
Good job, USA! Now please stop backing the military industrial complex and let this guy get some rest!
In the end, you get to put your name into a high-score list for whatever reason. I love when games with clear completion goals still have scores, like you're playing the game only for points or something. Plus, I'm sure this is like Tetris where the game pak doesn't even save the scores. By the way, note the replacement of all vowels on the name input screen with numbers. This is not something I've seen elsewhere and I have no idea why it was done. The default names on the high score list all have vowels, so like...why?
B1d d2c3s34ns w2r2 m1d2.
That about wraps this game up. I got through the whole thing, so I really don't need a second date, but man, I would go on another date later anyway. It was just a joy to play! Maybe there's truth to that attraction of a man in uniform after all. I'd love to see how Choplifters I and II pan out! Although all of these titles might want to be a little more subtle, as I've seen in multiple places that Choplifters get prosecuted to the full extent of the law. No way I want to get tangled up in that jazz. I only like empty extents of the law. You could probably insert some political dig here on rich vs. poor folks, but instead I'm gonna subtly slide this Sprite of Passage to you both as a distraction and as a final token of getting through this date with me. Enjoy it heartily and throw it in a shadowbox with your other war medals and stuff!
Not sure if this guy is happy to be rescued or if he was immediately thrown into PT to do some jumpin' jacks