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The "Hate" Button
What is it?
The Internet has been fostering goodwill for years through the targeted use of the the "like" button. Mostly, this is because a sense of general positivity and the desire for other's approval are great ways to sell things. However, the antonym is waiting ever in the wings to appear and destroy the tenuous peace that holds the Internet together.
Why fear it?
Hate is a strong word, perhaps the second strongest word in the dictionary ("fascism" can be a bit of a bully). Once commenters can hate with but a single button touch, it will be the online equivalent of giving everyone the nuclear launch codes. Corporations will descend into anarchy, Anarchies will elect presidents and the YouTube comments section will be the last bastion of civility.
Fight or Flight?
Like nuclear annihilation, the Hate Button is inevitable. Once a weapon of such power is conceived, it must be created and used. Like Hiroshima, it won't be the bang that gets you, but the million little particles that take you apart from the inside, bit by horrible bit. You can fight to be the sole survivor of this etiquette apocalypse, or just let it destroy you.
Top Ten Lists
What are they?
The most popular form of text on the internet.
A convenient excuse to use the otherwise ignored bullet button.
A reason to read ten things you don't care about instead of one you do.
Soundbite culture times ten.
An artificial structure that mimics the effect of suspense (and heroin) on the brain.
What we've been reduced to.
Dave Letterman's legacy to the ages.
I can't think of any more items.
But you'll keep reading anyway.
Moose.
Why fear them?
Just because you were born with ten digits on your hands (well most of you, sorry thalidomide kids) doesn't mean that the universe bows to the tyranny of your base ten system. Lists impose structure where none exist and supersede the inherent form of the universe, reducing the entirety of infinity to basically counting on your fingers.
Fight or Flight?
Ten Acceptable Responses to Top Ten Lists
1. Only read three responses in random order.
B. Don't let them sneak into your own writing.
6/4. Read the bold portion of one response and google that. Find a lengthy article on that topic, read that and call it a day.
~. Punchline.
68%. Diminishing returns.
Recruiting
If you're not getting shot at you're not doing your job as a human being.
Safety
Pretty much a guarantee that you'll be imagining the worst case scenario.
Dawn of the Dread
What is it?
Fear is the prevailing emotion of the third millennium. Economic instability, terrorism, reality television, lost car keys; all conspire to create an unholy eon of alarm. Dawn of the Dread is the handbook to this new era. No one need fear the unknown again.
Why fear it?
This compendium of modern horror catalogs the terrifying nouns of this new age. Cats, Guns, Bubble Gum, Hitler, Curse Words, Zombies, Hitler 2: 2 Legit 2 Quit, Unemployment, Twitter, Farch, Heavy Metal, Inconstant Gravity, Not Having Guns, Time, Money, Plants, Nuclear Weapons and more conspire to cripple us with anxiety. With this book we can turn our anxiety back into full-blown terror and the only thing we won’t have to fear is fear itself.
Fight or Flight?
Don’t run away. Fear-mongering is a profit industry. The world will end in apocalypse. Economic, zombie, biblical, asteroid, or Botox-based; who can say? You’d have to be an asshole to remind people of this every day, unless you make money off it, in which case you become the type of wholesome fear-profiteer who built this great country. Join me in exploiting our communal dread for a quick buck and a cheap laugh.
Examples:
Text Pieces:
Cats
What are they?
Cuddly little things that generally ignore humans except when they can convince one to feed them by the application of well-timed purrs. Humans take this to mean “I like you,” but it better translates to, “I own you.” Cats are also the sole proprietors of the Internet.
Why fear them?
Cats are little cuteykins, who just want to haz things. Despite their pretensions of glory, cats are not to be feared, except that they carry a nasty parasite called toxoplasmosis which causes schizophrenia, depression and death. All of which could damage your relationship with your cat, the poor thing.
Fight or Flight?
No one can resist a kitten and by the time they grow up they have already got you trained, so be careful and don’t go handling cat shit. You don’t need to take it out of your shoe and put it in the litter box to teach your cat a lesson. He put it in there on purpose to teach you one.
Imagination
What is it?
Before the Internet, it used to be that you couldn't know everything in life. Back then an imagination was important to prepare you for events that you couldn't otherwise anticipate, like seeing a baboon. Imagination provides context for the impossible.
Why fear it?
Now that everything is possible, this appendix of the soul can be ignored. However, occasionally imaginitis develops. The imagination becomes inflamed leaving you with a sharp pain in your frontal cortex and the distinct impression that there is more to life than what can be understood through rational thought. There isn't.
Fight or Flight?
Unfortunately, scientists have not yet performed a successful imaginectomy. However, there are therapies that can reduce your imagination to a controllable size. Watch plenty of television, spend hours on the internet without knowing why, and avoid questioning authority as much as possible. These simple steps will assure that your imagination will become a shriveled up prune that will one day be plucked from your head by people who say you don’t need it anyway.
Quotes:
On Fear
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And Hitler. That guy’s fucking insane.”
-Franklin D. Roosevelt
On Divine Intervention
"God helps those that help themselves, but not right away, so don't get your hopes up."
-Benjamin Franklin
On Forgiveness
"To err is human, to forgive divine, so stuff your sorries in a box and blow it up God's ass for a change."
-Alexander Pope
Pictures:
Unemployment
"Oh shit, I wanted to die of Black Lung and now I have to die of starvation."
Advertising
It used to be so simple.
Cancer
"We finally found the cure for cancer. It was a sword all along. How elegantly simple. How we just need to find the cure for extensive sword wounds."
Bonus Pander to Chronicle Books Legal Department: All images used are in the public domain, at least according to the Internet and we can trust the Internet (spoiler: no we can't).
Other Media:
Fear knows no bounds. Other future installments on the Dawn of the Dread tumblr will feature:
An IM pissing contest between Death and Taxes over who's the more frightening.
Short films that touch on non-textual fear: Cinematic Scores, Color Wars, Toothpicks, Beauty, etc.
An audio guide to creepy hangup calls and what they mean.
Reblogs of scary images and confessions of real fear.
New reasons to fear every day.
Hipsters, LOLcats, memes and even books, all will pass, but fear is forever.
