I was never a happy child, visions of monsters lurking just at the edge of my sight kept me terrified. The smiles of others were the only things to keep me going. Your smile, father’s smile, brother’s smile, the only things that kept me going back then. I wanted to be brave for you, for all of you, since those beasts of our suffering were drawn to us because of me. I’ve caused so much trouble for you, and it drove it to a breaking point. Father took brother and left us without another word, distorted light swaying on the ceiling, the wire holding the bulb snapped when I found you. I was alone, with death all around me. I still feel your fingers around my neck, your words sharp and hateful, ‘I should have never given birth to you’, those were the words weren’t they? Do you regret those words now? Perhaps it was momentary insanity that brought those words into your mouth. Nevertheless it broke me back then. I was a shell of myself. Singled out by those around me, called a freak, a beast, a monster-- all because they thought I was crazy. But you all saw them too, you saw the monsters that others couldn’t see, the monsters that lurked in the shadows, we all had the ‘sight’. I was lost in an abyss until I met him.
When I met him he was terrifying, with a height of 223 centimeters, or 7’3”, which towered over my 5’4” form, skin as black as tar, a head that resembled a dog skull with horns, glowing red pin pricks that stared out of empty eye sockets, and robes that reminded me of a gentleman who held magic with ease; with all the things I saw I thought that he was just another monster of the shadows. But he wasn’t. While he was one of the shadows, just like the oni of my home land, he had something much more-- he had sentience, consciousness, more than just a ravenous appetite, he was far more aware of himself and others. He brought me to his home, as I had nowhere else to go, and at first I was content just to be there-- just to know that he wanted me there. But then, he said that I was family and I couldn’t help but find myself feeling a confused joy.
The house is a quaint cottage in the countryside of England, an eighty-five minute walk from the train station, and a long train ride that I never count the hours on, from London. The flora and fauna eloquently spread over the house’s landscape, gardens that expand widely around the entirety of the property, the trees lean towards us and dance for us when the wind blows, it feels as though the entire forest is part of our home even though it’s not part of the property. We even have a maid, she’s a Silky, and that’s what we call her. Silky is a sweet woman, she dresses for her job, a gentle fairy that enjoys causing mischief, yes, but loves to tend to us and our home. She makes the nicest food, cleans the best, the only thing she doesn’t do is yard work as that is something that he is known to do, the monster that saved my life from that life of loneliness.
There’s a church grim that follows me around as well, Ruth is a good friend of mine, he always helps us out when we need it. He helps Silky clean and he helps ‘the beast’ with magic as he is prone to do. The fairy people of Tir Na Nog, in the forests, are more than willing to come up to him for a chat, but I think they are trying to get to me. Ruth has commented, on more than one occasion, that while they are splendid in appearance, and adorable, that he would never think them to talk to him when they could talk to me. Each time he speaks this to me he shakes his dark furry body and continues on in a huff.
There are so many people here that I cannot describe, it’d be too much for just this letter, mother, so I’ll keep it short. There’s a priest down the way that always visits, there’s a man from a world of dragons and mythical creatures that just always seems to call and always enjoys conversing with us, and there are fairies deep in the forest that always come to visit, always asking to see us. Either for the medicine that he makes or because of the fact that they just wish to speak to us for one reason or another.
The master of the house on the other hand, he’s gentle. He’s the type of person who looks terrifying, but in reality is softer than anyone you’d ever come to know. His appearance is terrifying, yes, but his heart is not. The fact that he didn’t have emotions before I came along seems to baffle me, but I’ve seen them. I’ve seen him grab his chest and take in a deep inhalation, as if his heart was hurting for me, everytime I’m hurt I see him do that. The only time I see true emotion within him, is in his ‘eyes’, those pinpricks of light. His tone will sometimes carry it but it is so difficult to understand from sound. He’s quiet, he’s soft, he’s… elegant. A gentleman in most respects but when it comes to emotions, he is no more than a child trapped in the body of an adult, just asking to be set free and taught. He asks me so many questions on ‘human things’ such as emotions and social cues, things he doesn’t understand for he is only half human and no human ever wished to teach him before I came around. Now he may be able to finally understand.
His name is Elias, which, from what I was told, he was given that name to give him hope as he was born into this world a monster. He became aware and wandered the forests alone, losing his appetite for human flesh, and he collapsed into that man’s arms. That man who resides with the dragons. That hunger is dulled and he subsides mostly on human food, but the fact remains of what he once was. His name gives him the strength to keep going among the wilderness that is this world. He is a beast that straddles the fae and the humans, blood that mixes well even though it should be like water and oil. He looks anything but human other than his body structure, but I’ve had my ear pressed to his chest, I’ve had my body held in his arms, I’ve even slept beside him at night on nights where I’m particularly frightened-- he’s more human than most of the humans I have known.
This world is filled with monsters, this world I have seen has creatures that wander it that are hideous and distorted. Mother, I know this. I have seen the ‘Shadow Lady’ at Yuletide, I have seen a chimera, I have seen beasts that are only to be described as hellish in nature. There are monsters here, but his heart is not one of them, and as I write this I am reminded every moment. I look to my fingers and I see that ring, I was the one who gave the other one to him right? I don’t know if I can say that I love him, it’s something more than that, the word love in English has been used for everything. I wish there was something more I could say about Elias, but there’s no words for it here that would make anyone understand.
Anyways mother, I have gone on long enough. I don’t know what you’re doing up there in heaven, or maybe you’re not even in heaven. But Elias just called me down for dinner. I think he wants to go for a walk later, I’m not sure. Maybe he wants to show me something? He sounds excited. Whatever the reason for this childlike glee, I’m excited to see whatever else this world has to offer. I’m not ready to die yet, there’s so much more I want to do, there’s so much more in terms of a future I want to have. So long as I’m alongside him, an inhuman beast, I will always be happy, because I have found someone more human than even humans know.
