Apr 17
omge hi girly pops. I'm sooooo back (not really.) I've been in and out of the psych hospital like twice this past month combo with me accidentally assaulting my bestie and just barely getting back into contact XP
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omge hi girly pops. I'm sooooo back (not really.) I've been in and out of the psych hospital like twice this past month combo with me accidentally assaulting my bestie and just barely getting back into contact XP
this is my last post.
I'm going to die today. I've thought about it all this week and today is the day. if I wasn't deserving before, I definitely am deserving now. I've pushed everyone I've loved away, traumatized them beyond belief. worst of all, I physically and sexually abused one of my closest friends last night while I was blackout drunk. I don't remember anything, but if drunk me did it, surely it was of some truth. I can't fix what I've been accused of doing because I don't even remember what I did. my guilt is eating me alive. I hate myself for what I've done. I hate who've become and I'm disappointed in the person that I see in the mirror. I always knew that I would die by my hand, just not this soon. I don't want to die, but im tired. I'm ready to dream endlessly into the abyss until I'm nothing but dreams scattered into space. bury me with my bracelets. give Otter my bandana, it's the least I can do. thank yall for listening to me, even when I'm not deserving of it.
do we think T would balance out the prozac and let me get hard again?
bruhhh they put me on Prozac and now I can't bust a nut. like, I still can but it was like half as good as before :[
put hand sanitizer in your cuts now !!!!
as the weather shifts and I'm working more with my hands, I am becoming progressively more annoyed by my wrist popping and stiffness. I broke it awhile back and it probably did not heal all the way right(I was stupid during its healing).
anyways, tonight I'm fantasizing about just hacking it off! either from the joint down or mid-forearm, probably the joint. slamming the cleaver down to crack it one last time. feeling the stiffness in my wrist build to an excruciating pressure to a unrestricting looseness...
it would be so pretty to see all the bones and dissect my own hand to reveal all the beautifully holy connections within. or maybe securing it down (cause I dont have another hand XD) and gripping the flesh hand enough to deglove myself.
eughh, I can just imagine the sweet cracking and slurping of my bones and flesh 🤤
now taking auditions for anyone that wants to chase me in the woods, catch me, rip my tights off me, and brutally rape me
friendly reminder that I will daydream about the people I pass on the street. often times VERY explicitly.
I passed by this girl- great fuckin tits- I just could not stop thinkin about her. the way her white shirt clung to her chest and flowed down... I could feel the way her tits would've felt in my hands. the way I would meticulously peel back the skin and lick the fat cells beneath.
there was this other girl too- big ol thighs- god I just wanted her to sit on my face. she would've been so soft and jiggly (despite humanties negative connotation of jiggly this is the highest of compliments) on top. I wanted to hurt her too but in a more intimate way. Scratch at her, hard enough to draw blood. smack her around...