#ghost here

[singular-ghost-sound]

Hello humans. Says me another human. Just ‘cause. *evil laugh* you cannot stop me I’m to good. Also merry very interesting Christmas to you all you glorious people’s - ps I hacked ghost :3 just so I could say merry Christmas. Y’all should thank me for the amount of effort I put into this for you. You’re welcome.

-the hacker

[caffeinecortisol]

look honestly if I had three arms I would not be any more productive I would still carry a coffee cup around the place and clutch it in front of me with all three hands

[caffeinecortisol]

that time of year when i wake up every morning and think 'ugh when will the days start getting longer' but refuse to google it because the answer might be sad. schrodinger's ignorance : bliss, etc.

[caffeinecortisol]

the coffee is brought closer. it is given to you. it is placed in your hand. you are in love

[caffeinecortisol]

The thing about getting older far apart from your friends is this. I have so many friends I love a lot, dearly, deeply, whom I still think of as one of my favorite people on earth, whom I treasure and who make me so happy to see them - I love them romantically, like a kid with a crush; I love them platonically, as a twin soul on a passing ship. I love them intrinsically, like a favorite coat that never gets old, just for being who they are.

And given all that, I still don't talk to them but, maybe, twice a year at group reunions. And it's not sad - it just IS, it's distant and it's devoted and it's okay. We catch up and feel great, and a few more months go by.

But then last night I had a dream that one of these friends was having a hard week so I Stole A Plane (?!) and flew to her and left a drawing of cats on her kitchen table, and left, in the dream, like a ghost. And woke up and texted her about it: hey, I'm thinking about you, here's why, I hope you're doing well.

And she wasn't doing well. So we got to talk about it - and about letting yourself fall in love with someone in your neighborhood even when you know the heartbreak will be inevitable; and how do you be generous and forgiving to yourself when you're also really mad at yourself for making this bad decision (as if it's a decision); and are we capable of holding out hope in a general way - not a specific or urgent way - but in the sense of, "life is long, I might as well have this and hope it's for the best."

I have been carrying that conversation all day! She needed it, and she didn't expect to have it, and now we have. Because one of her friends reached out and made space for it, after years of not texting at all.

And she said I love you, and I said I love you, and I know we both mean it.

That's security in friendship, for me. I'm lucky to have it. And it's something I had to learn to be okay with, and to trust. But I've accepted that people grow closer & farther from us, in waves - and distance doesn't have to be final, and that doesn't define how important someone is to us. They matter because we decide so. And that's enough.

Anyway I'm feeling really sentimental today, so be kind to yourselves, you're very loved and treasured even by people you haven't heard from in years, I promise.

[caffeinecortisol]

(I'm finally pushed over my limit, I'm in it, I'm my worst self,)

My friend says, you know, this is one of my favorite parts of knowing you -

- What? -

- Yeah, like, when uh, you get so close to something, like, something Holy, it's amazing and it's wonderful, and then finally you get closer, close enough you suddenly realize, this thing has so much fucking power, to like, destroy you, or everything...

(...The power of nothing left to lose.)

[caffeinecortisol]

you know that feeling when you get home and someone picks up your bag to carry it in for you, and they're wearing your favorite color and you missed the sound of their voice? that's the good shit