The Signs as Dumb Shit My Friends Have Said
Aries: ‘I meant to say “I’ll fuck you up” or “fuck off” but it just came out “I WILL FUCK YOU” ‘
Taurus: ‘I fucked up my back yeeting myself into a wall.’
Gemini: ‘This isn’t an orgy with the Amputee Committee of New England.’
Cancer: ‘You’re born with some nipples and you die with some nipples.’ [But they’re not necessarily the same nipples.] ‘No, of course not.’
Leo: ‘I heard you do the marijuanas but you can’t even dab.’
Virgo: ‘I read your horoscope. It says it’s reverse cremation time.’
Libra: ‘I wanted to text Draco Malfoy and my phone autocorrected it to Crack Daddy and I’m not okay.’
Scorpio: ‘Aren’t you like, God or something?’
Sagittarius: ‘Wait, she does Oxy? Like... oxygen?’
Capricorn: ‘When my parents were mercenaries in Brazil...’ [You mean missionaries?] ‘Why, what did I say?’
Aquarius: ‘Is there an alternative to Steely Dan? Other Dans? Paper Dan? Woody Dan?’ [Claire go the fuck to sleep.] ‘Woody Dan wouldn’t stand for this.’
Pisces: ‘If you keep annoying me I’m going to tell you how long your penis is.’