Note: Read at Your Own Risk ~~ (ง⌐□ل͜□)ง
Type: One Shot
[ masterlist ]
A/N: Hope Y’all enjoy this! Happy halloween ♥
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‘This is insane. I am insane and stupid.’ Christian thought as he walked up the steps to your apartment.
He had been to your apartment at Hongdae a couple of times with the rest of the crew. But this is the first time going solo. At that moment, Christian was surprisingly nervous. He was rarely nervous. Maybe it was because besides the fact that he’s coming to your apartment alone — it is also in the middle of the night. Plus drunk. And his body is burning and want to release it to you.
‘Well, here I go.’ Christian thought as he gulped and ring the doorbell.
————
You slowly opened your eyes when you hear your doorbell chimes. When you realize you’re not dreaming and someone is actually ringing your door, you looked at the time. You groans.
You grab your pajama. Since you’re only wearing is your oversize shirt.
Before you can go and check who it was. Lisa — your roommate, was already at the monitor dedicated to seeing who’s at your front door.
“Who was it, babe?” You asked her when she looked your way.
“It’s your ex-boyfriend.” She said with a grimace expression.
For some reason, you breathed a sigh of relief. At least it wasn’t some crazy old stalker.
“Which one are we talking about?” From fear, you’re now confused.
“Mr. Christian Yu, that guy who loves touching his hair.” She said with a teasing tone.
“Aye ~! Nice to see you too Lisa.” Christian said as he reached up and touched his hair.
Lisa just smiled and walked back towards her room.
Now it was only you and Christian in the living room. Why was Christian here? And at 3 in the morning. Can you even call this morning?
You took a rather long breath to stop overthinking.
———
Christian looked at you from up and down. Again and again. Now that you’re in front of him, he was thinking that this is a mistake. A drunk decision has gone too far. But it was too late to turn back.
‘Fuck it,’ he thought. He was drunk. He was going to tell you how he felt, not let you slip away — again. He needed you to know.
“Do you want anything to drink?” You asked when he massaged his temple.
“Oh? Yeah, sorry.” Christian replied.
You walked towards the kitchen and grab some glass and poured some cold water for him.
Christian was looking at your back. You can feel it.
After he finished drinking, you invite him to your room. Thinking that whatever reason he came to your apartment — at this godly hour is not really good for Lisa to hear.
Like automatically sit at the edge of your bed. But quickly stood up. You became nervous and embarrassed for even sitting in the first place. It was supposed to be cute and casual. Like friends typically do it but you were sure it came off as uncaring and cold. And the truth was, Christian, didn’t even notice it.
Both of you stood there awkwardly for a few minutes before Christian took a deep breath in, preparing to speak.
You can see him being uncomfortable. ‘Is it wrong to invite him into my room?’ You asked your self.
You’re about to ask him but he looked at you as if he was about to say something so you stopped.
Silence.
Again, awkward.
Then both of you attempt talking first but ending up blabbering something.
You laughed. Then he joined you.
“I’m sorry Ian, what I’m trying to say is it’s good to see you... although this was certainly a surprise.”
“Yeah, I know. I'm sorry about that. I just — I couldn’t wait.” Christian looked down at the carpet
“What is that couldn’t wait?” You go through your mind looking up what could it be. You tried not to, but you ended up settling on the biggest feared — insane reasons. This was a habit you had picked up growing up. ‘Think for the worst’.
“I remembered in one of your interviews, you quoted from your favorite song — ‘If you know how you feel ~ and you so clearly know what you need to say ~ I don’t think you should wait ~ I think you should speak now ~’ you said that and it got me thinking. It’s really important to take those words to heart. So I just — I needed to come here to say something I should have said a long time ago.
You smiled upon hearing him say the lyrics from your favorite song. You tried not to wince, anticipating what might be next.
“Say what Ian? Christian, is there something wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong Y/N. I just — oh God! Okay ~ I’m READY.” Christian blurted out.
“What?” For some reason, your stomach filled with butterflies.
‘Ready’. The word meant a lot to both of you. Both of you had a long history with this word. There was a time when you would have killed to hear him say it.
‘I’M READY’. Now though, it was the biggest fear reasons you could think of.
“I’m ready, Y/N. I’m ready for this — for us. We broke up because I wasn’t ready. But I’m ready now. And I don’t just mean ready for us to talk. Hang out. And fool around... but I mean — I’m ready for us to be together-together. The hell with media! I’m ready for the fans on both sides and their options don’t bother me. They can say whatever they want to say — I’m ready for all that shit. I can handle it now, Y/N. I’ve got this. I needed you to know that I’m not messing around any longer and as I just said — I’m sorry if I kept saying this but I’m ready.” Christian didn’t look up once during he said this, for some reason he couldn’t watch you react. He was afraid that seeing your reaction could make him stop talking. And he wanted to get it all out.
But even so, he could feel you looked confused with a mix of frustration.
“And more than that,’ Christian continued. “I want to try again. I want us to really try again, now that I’m ready. I think we could really make it. I’m ready to make that shot for us.” There. He said it all. He finally looked up to see your face.
“Christian —“ you started. You stopped though. You really had to form these next sentences carefully, and Christian had his time. You can’t help but think it was unfair and insensitive of him to just go to your place at 3 am and say all these things that clearly he had time to craft these words. He didn’t even look at you when saying this. As if it was all as planned — memories for perfection.
You can’t help but think as well that he might even think through your possible responses and rehearse how to react to each one. You had none of that. No warning, none at all.
Just an unexpected late-night drunken declaration of love. Just great.
“You’re drunk, Ian and —“ you sigh.
“No. I mean, I’m drunk - but I meant what I say. All of it. Please, Y/N.” He cut you off.
With that, your ears become hot. What does he expect you to do? The nerve to come in here at your apartment and feed you a declaration of love — and even a declaration of READINESS as if the love was just implied but didn’t even need to be stated.
At least a little courtesy you’ll appreciate but no. He even goes here drunk. And say ‘please’.
‘Who did he think he was?’ You thought arching your brow.
“Excuse you Christian. Don’t bring me that ‘please’ word. I am doing the best I can with this whole situation but you’re drunk as fvck. And it’s the middle of the night. I’m not sure THIS is the best time and place to talk about this.” You said firmly.
“Why not? It’s 3 AM, the hour of feeling. Isn’t that what we call it?”
“Yeah, and I think about now, it taught us nothing good happens after 3 AM. Maybe we should stop talking at all.” Your words fell harshly. You felt bad for it but it also felt appropriate somehow.
“Who are you?”
“Seriously?!” You said setting up your defensive self ready.
“You used to be so ~” Christian searched for the words. “FREE. Yeah. That’s it. You used to be free. Free with your emotions. Your life. Your love. You used to be so free that made you optimistic. Full of hope and now what? You believe that in the hour of emotion — nothing ‘good’ happens? After the emotional time of the night sets in, good things stop and bad things begin? Is that what are you saying?” Christian looked at you as if you’re some stranger. “What happened to you?”
“I don’t — I really don’t know Ian. I”m not that girl anymore.” You felt attacked. But you didn’t feel like fighting back. So, you took the defeated tone.
Christian was having none of it. He was going to fight with you. He came all this way, he was going to properly be heard.
“Well, that’s the girl I fell in love with.” He said.
“Too bad then. I guess I’m just somebody that you used to know.” Your sarcasm rises.
“No. She’s there somewhere.” Christian said while he shook his head.
“I said no!” You now realized that he was going to make you fight with him. Your anger was possibly more directed at the instance of fighting than the fight itself.
“No.” Christian stayed firm. “I don’t accept that. Maybe you think that — but I think you’re just scared.”
You can’t help by scoffed.
“You can scoff all you want, Y/N. But I know you. There’s something you’re not saying. Possibly even to yourself. You’re scared and you’re hiding behind the change as the reason. But it was never changed. There’s a part of you missing. And I mean a part of you. We all have parts about us that change. That mature. That grow up. But at our core. Deep inside. We are who we are. You are not a different person. You’re still Y/N that I love. You’re just letting fear run your life and it’s BS!”
You are now really pissed.
“So... that’s what you came here to say. You came to my apartment. Drunk. In the middle of the night. Scared me half to death. Just to say that I’m bullshit?!”
“Fuck this. You know that’s not fucking true. You’re doing that thing again. You’re doing that again. Fuck!” Christian ball up his fist.
“What thing that I do? I’m not doing anything, Ian.” Both of you were really in it now.
After 3years of being in a relationship. Both of you were on and off. Five months ago, both of you decided to call it quits. Mainly because it was affecting your careers. He was planning on coming back to the music scene. While you and your group are releasing a comeback.
“Oh stop it Y/N. You know what I’m talking about. Look —“ Christian sigh. “I came here to tell you that I was ready for us and I still love you. That I want us to be together again. You were the one who started the BS and deflecting. Trying to pretend I didn’t mean it. You hate emotion and all that shit. I just wanted to tell you I still care and that I’m ready. And that I want to try again. If you don’t want to.” He paused and looked at you directly. “All you have to do is fvcking say it. But this shit you’re doing is making it some big ass thing and ignoring what I’ve actually said. That’s you being childish. I’m over it Y/N.”
Both of you were silent for a moment.
Letting the words sinks in.
You feel being scolded like a child. And Christian feeling sad and freaking frustrated — like a parent who just wants the best for his child. Even though the child never listened to him.
“I think that’s how I realized I’m ready. I’m over and done with the shit thing. I just want you. All of you.” He continued.
You stopped breathing for a couple of seconds. Your lips trembled. Your eyes watered. Your thoughts raced. You felt your breathing shallow the becoming quicker and more audible with every in and out of air.
You felt your heartbeat hard. As if it wants to come out from your body.
You glanced up and saw the bathroom door.
It wasn’t far from where you stand. For you, it looked as if it was an escape. You stopped thinking and in one motion you ran into the bathroom. Shut the door. There, in the emptiness of the room. Behind the safety of the door. You broke down.
Tears began to escape your eyes. Light scratches and pulls at your delicate skin began to occupy your hands.
“Y/N?” Christian was really worried. He didn’t mean to make you cry — even worst, leading you to a breakdown. He just wanted to talk. He can’t help but hate himself for what he has done. “Y/N, I’m sorry. If this is too much... but I really needed to say it. I hoped you’d know why. But yeah.”
He stopped and waiting for your answer. He heard you crying still. Breaths became deeper — as if returning to normal. He didn’t want to push it. But he was still a bit drunk. Decision-making skills were not so much his strong suit at that moment.
“I also wanted to hear your response.” Christian paused for a moment to make sure you did not get worse. You stayed silent. “I just really want us to talk — really. Without the bullshit and the walls. What are you scared of Y/N?”
You slowly get up and walk towards the sink. You looked into the mirror. You saw your reflection. A mess. Bedhead. Faded oversize shirt. Mickey mouse pajama that was a gift from Jisoo. No makeup. Eyes puffy. Cheeks shiny from the tears.
You rarely saw yourself like this. Being carried by your emotions. Even when you were at home, you tried to do your makeup, practice doing your hair, and dress up nice — just in case some crazy ex-boyfriend comes by and declare some shit at you.
You wet your face. Grab the face towel and calm yourself. Then walk towards the door and opened it.
“Do you want to know what I’m scared of, Barom Yoo?” You said, eyes locking with his. Not wavering.
He nodded in affirmation.
“I’m scared because you’re not.” You said firmly. Letting her eyes break from Christian’s.
“I’m not what?” Christian’s voice was calm. And confuse.
“Not ready.” You said quietly. Looking at the floor. You didn’t want to look at him when the words fell out of your lips. It was too much.
Christian smirked.
“Of course I’m ready. That’s why I’m here Y/N. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. I understand all of that ready means — every last bit of it. I mean it. I am ready.” Christian felt his enthusiasm grow. If this was the problem — he wants to clear it. He did — after all, mean it.
You calmly shook your head.
His smirked slowly fade. His face becomes confused. He closed his eyes and shook his head.
‘Of course’. Christian thought. “But you’re not.” Christian opened his eyes and looked at you. He felt every muscle in his body relaxed — as if the secret was out.
“That’s crazy Christian. I’ve been ready. It was you —“
“No, Y/N. Stop right there. It was me, and then it was both of us. And now. It was you. It doesn’t mean anything less about you. It just means you’re not ready. And it’s a lot to be ready for. Trust me. I get it. Totally get it.”
You bit your lower lip and swallowed. You tried searching for words. But all you could find was silence. Angry. Sad. Frustrated.
“If there was anyone to be the last person to judge you for not being ready, it’d be me.” Christian continued after what felt like a silence gone on a little too long.
You blinked slowly. Your body language intensifying.
“And I mean really, you owe it to yourself more than anyone to admit that, princess.” He continued.
And there it was. You broke. Again. Into tears. In front of Christian. No more hiding.
“Okay fine.” You said between tears. “I’m not ready.” You tried looking up at him. He tried not to give you that satisfied smile of his when he called you out and kinda forced you to open up. “I’ve tried. But I’m not. You went through a lot Christian. All because of me. But I got the brunt of the hate from the fans.”
“I know,” Christian whispered.
“I don’t know if I can do that again.” Your tried hiding your crying face at him by covering it with both hands. “I can’t”.
Christian’s face was fallen. His smile faded and a look of concern had crept. Regardless of what happened here tonight between the both of you. He hated seeing you this down. But if it wasn’t him, he couldn’t help her.
“If I was going to do it again. You know it’d be with you, Barom. Right?” You looked up at him. “I mean it when I said ‘I know for me, it’s always you’. If I was ready for anyone — it had to be you, Christian.”
Christian took every word to heart. He let an audible exhale escape his body.
“I know, Princess.” He walked over to you and took you in his arms. He could see how badly you needed to be held. “I know very well, Y/N. I know.” He said reassuringly — softly. Running his hand up and down your back.
After a few minutes of this. You felt too comfortable. Too happy. Too at peace to not try something. Nothing wasn’t good enough anymore.
“Christian?” You said pulling out of the hug.
“Hmmm?” He responded, looking at you.
You pause for a moment before continuing. Trying to gain footing before you went down that rabbit hole.
“What if I —“ you stopped. Unsure if you really wanted to continue.
Christian opened his eyes wider in anticipation of what you’ll say. You somehow saw a gleam. that gleam. His beautiful brown eyes did this thing. It was mesmerizing and captivating to you.
“What if I take some time and really think about it. Like, do the work. Fight with myself — what if I get myself ready?” You smiled softly at him.
“What if what?” Christian tried his best not to be too excited. Or rather - seem too excited. He didn’t want to spook you, like what he already did tonight.
“Would you wait?” You had high hopes and low expectations. It was unfair of you to ask him. He couldn’t tell the future and know he was going to be ready when you are. You knew all of this. But you felt like you had to ask. Because what if Christian said ‘yes’. What if he would actually wait for you?
“Yes. Absolutely.” Christian said without a single waver. “I will wait for you. And I’ll try to stay ready so I am when you are. When I say I’m ready right now— I mean I’m ready for that too. I’ll wait.” He was suddenly taken with the over-assured, leading to an air of insincerity about his words.
“Thank you.” You said softly.
“Always, Y/N”. Christian whispered in your ears as he hugged you again. Pulling you tight.
——
Christian left quickly and quietly. You insisted on staying for the night but he insists to go and make everyone else worry.
When he left. You sat alone in your room and looked around. You grabbed your journal. You wrong every word (lyrics) you could think of.
