#manybitchinglights

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it's my last week of summer school

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And I have figured it out since then! I have! I was being normal!! But the pattern match was so powerful, it overrode all context, just, it all whited out, and suddenly "I am behaving normally, I am not out of line" combined with "I seem to have seriously bothered someone" and skipped some important steps and then became "IT'S YOU! THEY'VE BEEN RECOILING FROM YOU ALL ALONG, ALL YOUR LIFE; YOU'VE NEVER BEEN IN CONTROL OF THIS AND YOU NEVER WILL BE" annnnnd. that was extremely upsetting. I cried a little. I mean, I've been investing a lot of time and effort into not coming to that conclusion since I was very small, and all the important groundwork was laid when I was very small, and it turns out my response to being unexpectedly challenged on that point was...still that of someone fairly small. ("BAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.")

I just got taken by really unpleasant surprise, that somebody I'd been PROPERLY interacting with academically would recoil so strongly from me correcting them (IN A NORMAL WAY, because I HAVE A LOT OF EXPERIENCE KNOWING WHAT NOT-NORMAL IS ON THIS). Like, something in me that's just...hurt and frustrated and still so, so tired after all these years just bounced up in the back of my skull and started yelling, in this really annoying little-kid-from-the-backseat-of-the-van voice, "I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING AND SHE'S STILL DOING IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

That is how it felt. Bolded and italicized and breathlessly unfair. 

Anyway, the moral of this story is don't shitpost when you've been put off-balance and don't even understand why you're upset. Do literally anything besides go straight to the nearest coffee shop for a doubleshot and a wifi connection.

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on the one hand I am glad I didn't throw up, on the other hand I spent like three fucking hours balanced on the knife's edge of severe migraine nausea and all I got was this lousy cessation of pain eventually

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I keep having "want it, need it" feelings about hard cider, and it was weirding me the fuck out in the worst way (I am uninterested in alcohol being anywhere but wayyyy far out on the sidelines of my life) until I realized I was having the same cravings for energy drinks, but not for coffee, and. 

It's the sugar. SUGAR. SUGAR GIVE ME SUGAR OH GOD

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ok ok you know what I need? hear me out A map, like for video game mapwatching, that shows a little thumbnail with the position of offscreen monsters relative to protag party members

and you can toggle the map on and off okay I just

THESE CAMERA ANGLES ARE NOT WHERE I WOULD BE LOOKING

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this movie has gotten too spooky somebody hold my hand

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So I got home from work just now, tired and dragging and lightly dusted with the product we were running today, and hopped into a nice, relaxing bath...which is now White Chocolate Caramel Cappuccino scented.

This crap is pungent, holy hell.

[manyblinkinglights]

gonna do it gonna play a video game