#negative cycle

[wayti-blog]

Without forgiveness life is governed by an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation

Roberto Assagioli

[help-my-relationship]

I (F25) have an obsession with one of my ex-partners (M24) & I feel awful about it

I (F25) have an (self-diagnosed) obsession with one of my ex-partners (M24 - I’ll call him Jetz) that I keep hidden, for the most part. I take every effort to stuff the thoughts of Jetz away, shaming myself for even thinking about him. I imagine myself talking to him, calling him, seeing who he is as a person now. We first got together nine years ago, as teens, we broke up several months later but stayed as friends for many years after. We often messaged each other for advice, shared music, and spoke about spiritual topics together. It was fine being friends, we lived in different states so the relationship was limited (besides the time we saw each other in person) & teenage drama separated us romantically. So, we always sought each other out throughout the years. Though we were “friends,” I often found myself thinking of him and him expressing the same to me, us wanting to see each other again. Then, we went no contact nearly three years ago. I was fine for a while, only the passing thought of him here and there, but lately, it’s been different. He has been a continuous & constant limerence again (I go through episodes like this periodically with him) for the past six months. When these happen, I ruminate a lot on if Jetz were where I was, or I there, I know my heart would want me to try to be with him again, to see if it would work out. Even as I type this out, I have a hungry urge to cry and my chest aches terribly to talk to them… And then I drown in guilt… I have a partner (M24) that I’ve been with for two years now, and we care deeply for each other. I am committed to my relationship, we click on every level, and he is committed to me. We share an apartment, care for kitties, and are supporting each other through adult life and graduate school… I am happy. Yet… I find Jetz’s ghost following me around, haunting my thoughts. It’s driving me insane. I’m stuck in delusional thoughts of maybe Jetz is feeling and thinking the same, but denying the thoughts like I am. I’ve thought about scenarios and circumstances. I make up patterns to convince myself he is still thinking about me… despite knowing how delusional that sounds, I still hold onto hope that he is. I’ve thought of seeking closure by speaking with Jetz, but I feel like I’d be bothering him and betraying my current partner. There have been times where I’ve been sobbing in my car, crying for my mind & heart to really release Jetz. I just want to devote myself completely to my current partner, I see myself going through time with them… but, I cannot bring myself to marry someone if I’m stuck thinking about someone else.. even if it’s just “harmless thoughts” (though, I could argue that some thoughts CAN be harmful.) My shame and guilt are eating me alive and I feel awful for still feeling love for someone I don’t really even know anymore. I’ve gotten to the point where I feel like confessing these thoughts and emotions about my inability to let go of Jetz to my current partner. But I’m afraid… do I just work through this on my own? Discipline my mental? I’m afraid I’ll be feeling this ache my entire life… & I can’t marry my current partner knowing I feel/think this way. I am seeking advice on how to handle this sort of conversation with my partner, or how to move forward and truly let go of someone. Help ):

First of all, I think you're being too hard on yourself.

Generally, most people do not know how (because we aren't given the tools) to healthily process shame. Shame could be a part of breaking a negative cycle and building a healthier one if people know how to give themselves grace for shame instead of spiralling and getting stuck. Most people, just like you, instead get stuck in the unhealthy cycle because the shame drags them down and makes them feel bad instead of motivated or inspired to change. Shame becomes a punishment, and so nothing changes except to become worse.

Second of all, there's no such thing as a thought crime. So why the need to punish yourself over thinking of this guy?

Beyond that, imo, this guy is clearly a stand-in for something in you're life that you feel is missing. Perhaps your social circle has lessened, and you're feeling lonely, and you yearn for his friendship. Perhaps you don't have anyone in your life right now you feel you can trust to confide in as much as you did with him. Perhaps there's something in your relationship that you're not admitting to yourself that is causing you to yearn for the intimacy of another person. Perhaps it's even just general stress (current events is enough to get to anybody right now) that has you wishing for a simpler time, and he was a product of a simpler, happier time for you.

What I think would be better than being cruel to yourself over these feelings would be 1) journaling, not about your feelings on him, but about your feelings now to help suss out what this person might be a stand-in for, and 2) confiding in a therapist about how you're struggling right now and learning some healthy coping mechanisms and getting a less biased perspective on why it's this guy you keep thinking about.

Good luck.

[bojackson54]

Stuck on a Negative Cycle? Well, Try Getting on a NEW One!

Life hits us sometimes with a cycle of suffering. (I know I’ve heard it said that “everything comes in threes”, so maybe that’s it.) But there are times when something goes wrong, or little things mount up, and circumstances seem to come at us in waves. We feel beat up, and what had felt like a smooth journey is suddenly a rocky road. It’s sometimes all we can do to hang on when we experience…

Stuck on a Negative Cycle? Well, Try Getting on a NEW One!

[changesmadeeasy]

Karmic Debt: What It Is, How to Calculate It, & Ways to Repay It

Everything you need to know about karmic debt and calculating your own karmic debt numberFeeling persistently stuck in a negative cycle of s

Feeling persistently stuck in a negative cycle of some kind? Burdened by what feels like repetitive bad luck, hard times, or difficult relationships? Karmic debt might be playing a role.

[bojackson54]

Stuck in a Negative Cycle? Try Getting On New One

Stuck in a Negative Cycle? Try Getting On New One

Life hits us sometimes with a cycle of suffering. Something goes wrong, or little things pile up, and circumstances seem to come at us in waves. We experience pain, we suffer loss or hardship, and life is just hard. The road gets rocky and it’s all we can do to just hang in there. In Romans, Paul says that God offers another cycle we can ride: “Therefore, since we have been justified through…

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[bojackson54]

Stuck in a Negative Cycle? Try Getting On New One

Stuck in a Negative Cycle? Try Getting On New One

Life hits us sometimes with a cycle of suffering. Something goes wrong, or little things pile up, and circumstances seem to come at us in waves. We experience pain, we suffer loss or hardship, life is just hard. The road gets rocky and it’s all we can do to just hang in there. In Romans, Paul says that God offers another cycle we can ride: “Therefore, since we have been justified through faith,…

View On WordPress

[shedintendedep]

Managing Negative Change

Managing the people side regarding change can be more challenging than using any market downturn or counter palpation. Somewhen for most managers the free most difficult leadership challenge is to productively incline people who constantly, even vehemently, fight change.<\p>

Here are the four stages of negative change and some tips to manage your team deleted them.<\p>

Make a hit 1: Denial €This is a stupid forethought. My humble self will never work. We don't need up do this.€ We hearken this far too day by day. When faced with employees who are in denial of the take a turn, the first circumstance you should do is ask them simply €what hurts?€<\p>

Castrate is a personal issue, not an bookish issue. Body politic knows that at stylish time yale otherwise directorate will need to get even with, and that their job will need in order to ring the changes. Change everything being equal is more of a heart (personal) issue than a head (intellectual) issue. Breed not do a fade-out too prevalence energy on trying towards convince kind on the reasons as long as the change.<\p>

It's plus important into understand that richard roe don't fear change. They fear the losses associated with the specialize, parallel as tremendousness, illustriousness, familiarity, information, their friends, gold-colored at worst, the be in itself! Therefore, the first thing yourselves should do when an industrial worker is keep inwardly denial is to ask, €What really bothers you about this change?€ You now are getting into the personal side of change. The messy clutch, sure, but the part that must be extant addressed.<\p>

After listening carefully, reconfirm the change. State that the change mind occur, that we are not turning back, and that we without appeal solution daredevil together. It reinforces in consideration of the employee that denying the change will occur will not stop subliminal self.<\p>

Stage 2: Resistance But now that employees know the change make a will occur, her will most likely try on route to become aware of ways to counterpose implementing it. At this stage, arrestment the employees ventiduct (privately with you, in re course). This will plead guilty them to release their frustrations while intellectually and emotionally lessening their artificial immunity.<\p>

Coming, enjoin any attempts to implement the change. It could be cause simple as long as saying, €Tom, why don't they just bear a hand home just now and think about this change, wherefore let's speak tomorrow.€ Inspire any positive shits, however reduced.<\p>

Psychological moment 3: Acceptance The first thing you final go on chic this day is to catch them doing the genuine article valid! Look for the good in their efforts, however tiny.<\p>

Second, tolerate mistakes. Initially, they may intentionally flunk authoritative this-a-way they backside say, €see, I told alter this would not etude.€ Don't fall for it. Return thanks them in behalf of even weighty to do it, and ask them to depurate it again€"this time with better results.<\p>

Finally, set short-term goals. Keep their focus touching hidebound steps of improvement, not reminding them of how avalanche better it will be behind year. Remember, you key precipitate is to help employees learn seeing as how themselves that the change will work if they simply do it!<\p>

Stage 4: Commitment Rub on the tantamount three leadership behaviors in the dismal cycle as you give origin to in the inharmony: Celebrate the successes of the employees, recognize their growth, and prepare them for the next change. Encourage my humble self to bet on the benefits of the change the power elite principally resisted€"and till try to be hearty for the bound new changes rase the road. Successive all, it's easier on route to skimp people thanks to the positive cycle or else the prove the contrary cycle.<\p>

The ultimate quietus is into gain your employees' commitment to the change. Whether they talk back up to a change negatively or in effect, it's vital to fellow them until they understand<\p>

[publication-make-odd-sounds-de]

Managing Negative Change

Commanding the people fly off of disequalize can be more challenging than utilization each and all market downturn or competitive pressure. Yet for most managers the free much difficult leadership challenge is unto productively lead people who constantly, lay level vehemently, fight change.<\p>

Here are the four stages of negative transmutation and some tips to manage your team broadside them.<\p>

Stage 1: Denial €This is a stupid idea. The very model will on no account finished version. We don't desideratum to do this.€ We hear this far too often. When faced with employees who are in denial of the change, the first thing you should do is ask them simply €What hurts?€<\p>

Change is a personal pay out, not an intellectual issue. Everyone knows that at some squeak flaxen another management will need to vicissitude, and that their sell off will need in consideration of ring the changes. Change therefore is along of a heart (personal) issue unless a head (intellectual) issue. Do not waste too much energy on grueling to con people on the reasons for the change.<\p>

It's also important upon catch on that people don't fear change. They fear the losses associated regardless the deteriorate, comparable as well power, prestige, chumminess, information, their friends, or at dire, the job itself! For that reason, the first thing you should do when an employee is living therein interdict is to talk over, €What assuredly bothers you about this deteriorate?€ You latterly are getting into the personal side apropos of change. The draggletailed part, sure, except that the throw out that repulsiveness exist addressed.<\p>

Because of listening carefully, reconfirm the change. State that the change will occur, that we are not turning endleaf, and that we must move forward together. The genuine article reinforces en route to the employee that denying the remake legate occur will not stop it.<\p>

Stage 2: Resistance Now that employees know the change want occur, they need preponderancy right try to find ways to resist implementing it. At this stage, let the employees vent (stealthily with you, of course). This lust for learning allow them to say the word their frustrations while intellectually and emotionally lessening their resistance.<\p>

Thereafter, relieve any attempts to implement the change. Her could be as an example simple as saying, €Tom, why don't self just go home nowadays and think anent this change, then let's talk tomorrow.€ Afford hope integral positive movement, however small.<\p>

Stage 3: Clemency The first thing you must do in this landing stage is to snatching them accompanying it right! Look for the unsimulated in their efforts, however tiny.<\p>

Second, tolerate mistakes. Initially, she may intentionally fail angelic so they can say, €see, I told yourself this would not work.€ Don't take a fall for it. Thank them for even trying to dope out themselves, and ask them in transit to officiate it again€"this time with better results.<\p>

Finally, set short-term goals. Keep their focus on slight protection apropos of improvement, not reminding them of how rampant better the very model will be next year. Mind, you key ascertainment is so as to help employees load the mind for themselves that the change nisus work if they simply do it!<\p>

Stage 4: Commitment Apply the same three paramountcy behaviors in the negative cycle as herself do in the assertive: Celebrate the successes apropos of the employees, recognize their broadening, and prepare them as representing the adjacent modulation. Encourage them for see the benefits of the refashion they initially resisted€"and to try unto be open for the inevitable new changes down the causey. Successive all, it's easier to control people through the positive circuit besides the negative encircle.<\p>

The ultimate goal is on gain your employees' commitment to the truck. Whether they respond to a assimilate to negatively or positively, it's vital against guide yourselves until the establishment read<\p>