#ocdau

[neworleansspecial]

“Do you know what it’s like?” for ocd AU pls 🍑

“Jesus, Ava.”

It’s not like Ava even wants to be here. She doesn’t want to have sex with Connor in the first place, but she’s in his bed, and as soon as he sees the scars and scabs on her chest, his face twists in disgust and it hurts far too much. 

“This is disgusting.”

“You’re disgusting,” she counters, pulling her shirt back on. “Do you even know what it’s like? I don’t want to be doing that either, and besides, I don’t even want to have sex with you. I was just going along with it so you’d be less of a cunt.”

He raises an eyebrow. “Flattering.”

“Go fuck yourself.”

“Nah, I’ll hit up that cute new psych resident instead.”

She rolls her eyes and stands up like the humiliation isn’t making her heart ache and her cheeks flush.

[neworleansspecial]

Sun

Crockett passes Ava the joint and stretches lazily under the gentle beams of the sun. It’s not the time of year that allows the sun to scorch, but simply to provide a splash of warmth on the cold wintry days. The asphalt beneath Crockett’s car is icy, but there is none on the hood they lounge upon, a blanket spread between their bodies and the frigid metal. The puff of smoke from her lips is partially steam from the way her lungs expel air so much warmer than that of the environment. 

“It helps, doesn’t it?” he asks halfway through the joint. His speech is slower, less panicked and frantic than it often sounds. “You don’t feel the urges.”

She shrugs. There are episodes where it’s easier to deal with, but that doesn’t mean anything. This could just be a good day. Still, she can enjoy the soft buzz flooding her veins and the lack of a picture over Crockett’s scrubs. That can’t be up to regulation at work, she thinks, but if Lanik hasn’t made him remove it, she supposes it’s alright. 

“What’s up with the flowers?” she finds herself asking. 

“If they see my name, they can kill me,” he says.

He doesn’t clarify who, or why they’d need his name to kill him, but she understands. It’s about the delusion. She has her own, though she thinks them less bizarre than his (the nature of the disease is as such). From there, she doesn’t push, and he doesn’t offer more information, so they settle back into a sort of silence while they finish the joint. Crockett has a tin of others should they need to drag out the high. 

Crockett doesn’t ask her about her issues, or why she was forced into the support group. He seems to understand that she isn’t ready to bare that part of herself to the rest of the world, even someone who would get it much better than Connor. That’s something beautiful about him; he cares about people and seems to always know what they need, sometimes better than the individual themself. He knows when Maggie needs a coffee and when April needs a break. He knows when Noah needs reassurance and Ethan needs to be told no. He just understands in a way that suggests he’s spent a large portion of his life learning to please people to get by. 

“I nearly killed a patient,” Ava confesses to him. 

He lights a new joint and offers her the first drag of its sweet, deep smoke into her lungs, but he does not react with anger or disgust or anything along those lines. No, he waits patiently for her to continue if she so chooses. 

“I couldn’t go into the OR unless I washed my hands the right amount of times and put on my gloves just right. The patient coded while I was scrubbing in. We were able to save them, of course, but it- it was a wakeup call, I think.”

“I’ve had experiences like that.”

He takes his turn on the smoke and then presses a loving, platonic kiss to her forehead, promising that he will not judge her for the things she has done. 

[neworleansspecial]

Sacrifice for ocd!AU in med pls 🍑

“Sacrifice,” the therapist says, “is something you’ve all seen. Your friends, coworkers, and loved ones have all made sacrifices for your comfort. I’m not saying that’s something you should feel guilty about, but it is something to consider when you have to make sacrifices too.”

“Who says we don’t?” Crockett mutters to Ava.

The two of them understand, maybe better than anyone else at group, what it means to have to endure the anxiety and the overwhelming panic and the compulsions in order to do their jobs. Giving into every single compulsion would put lives at risk. 

It’s selfish, Ava knows, to expect everyone to cater to her illness, but there’s part of her that wants them to. It would be easier if everyone just understood how hard it is, and let her do what she needs to do to feel safe instead of yelling at her to hurry up when the extra minute won’t harm the patient- especially when they’re still waiting on Connor to come back too. 

“Sacrifice is a part of healing. You have to sacrifice the comfort of your compulsions to heal and learn to live without them.”

The therapist gives Crockett a very pointed look. He hasn’t dropped or slowed any of his, and in fact, has become more insistent about them since he and Ava first met at this stupid group. She thinks he’d do better in one-on-one therapy, but telling him so made him shut down. 

“Your assignment for this week is to sacrifice a compulsion. Choose one, and do your best not to indulge it.”

Ava knows in that moment that the therapist has no idea how bad it really is.

[neworleansspecial]

#OCDAU what are some habits and tics and such that come w Crockett and Ava's ocd respectively? 🍑

Crockett has religious-type OCD and so his are kind of “nonsensical” in that it’s certain behaviors and actions that he feels he needs to take in order to prevent himself or people he cares about from being punished or harmed in some way by God, such as being victims of accidents and/or going to hell. Most commonly he tends to cover up the name on his scrubs. He also takes the petals off of flowers, he fixes his hair a lot, and he has to eat a certain way. 

Ava has contamination-type OCD and her compulsions are related to being “clean” in whatever way it takes. She has the common issues of washing her hands often, showering two or three times a day, cleaning things a lot. She also has derma because of needing her skin to be “clean” too, and so she gets rid of anything that isn’t clean enough. 

[neworleansspecial]

"My name is Crockett, and I'm an alcoholic."

"This isn't AA."

"It felt relevant. The drinking helps the thoughts."

"I think we've all been there."

[neworleansspecial]

"I haven't had another episode, but last night was touch and go" ocd au

He’s pulling his hair. Ava can see him doing it, even though they’re both supposed to scrub in for this surgery, even though he said he was doing better, even though he took his medication this morning at six when his alarm went off in their shared apartment. He’s doing it, she knows, because if he doesn’t pull his hair the right way before they go into the OR, the patient will wake up on the operating table and kill them all. At least, that’s what he thinks. She understands just as much as she doesn’t.

“Crockett,” she says gently. She also reaches over to pry the picture of the flower off the name on his scrubs. “You said you were doing better.”

“I haven’t had another episode, but last night was... touch and go. You of all people know this recovery isn’t an easy one.”

In that aspect, he is right. But he shouldn’t allow it to overcome him before a surgery, she thinks, even as she is on her own third extra scrubbing of her skin so it is raw and pink. They both need to get into the OR within the next couple minutes, something she repeats six times before he starts washing. 

His hands twitch toward his head but he stops them. Contamination. Still, she watches how his shoulders tense and his jaw goes set as he washes and dries his hands. A nurse will glove his hands. He will not like it. But he will endure the surgery for the patient’s sake, and more likely than not, he won’t come out of this without spiraling into an episode that will get him sent home. 

“Coping skills,” she says absently.

“The ‘compulsions-’“ he uses finger quotes- “are my coping skills, Dr. Bekker.”

[neworleansspecial]

for the ocd au,,, maybe their first counselling session together 👀 and like. crockett giving all this Really Bad Advice (if you drink then it makes everything go away) and ava’s intrigued by him even though he’s a clown

“By a show of hands, who was mandated to come?”

Ava raises her hand, and notices that everyone else does. Good. That makes it easier to be bitter, she thinks, especially noting that another member is wearing black scrubs with a photo of a flower haphazardly taped over where his name would be embroidered into the fabric. Ava, at least, took the time to switch to leggings and a soft sweater. She watches him clench his fists over and over. After a moment, he watches her too, meeting her eyes. He blinks almost violently and looks away. 

“I know it can feel like it, but this isn’t a punishment,” the moderator of the little support group says. “This is to help you. You’re here because your compulsions are affecting your daily life, and you need help. We’re all here to support each other. I have OCD as well, and have been managing it for over twenty years. It is part of you, but it is not all you are.” She adjusts her wire-rimmed glasses and surveys the group, pausing on the man in scrubs just as Ava did because he’s moved onto piulling a little on his thick hair. “Would anyone like to share?”

The man raises his hand and waits for the mediator’s nod. “My name is Crockett, and I’m an alcoholic.”

“This isn’t AA.” She sounds annoyed.

“It felt relevant. The drinking helps the thoughts.”

“I think we’ve all been there. Would you like to elaborate on that?”

He tugs at the hem of his shirt and Ava is struck with the sense that she needs to wash her own shirt because being here makes it dirty. She pulls at its hem too. She wants it off her body. She needs it off. 

“I got sent here because I was- because I was drinking ‘on the job.’“ Crockett makes finger quotes around that last bit. “I wasn’t. I’m a surgeon. But after I clocked out, I started drinking in the doctor’s lounge because it makes the thoughts stop. It was a bad day. My supervisor saw me and mandated I get evaluated by Dr. Charles. Once he classified it as OCD, he sent me here. Also sent me to AA.”

“Dr. Charles from Gaffney?” Ava asks. The mediator gives her a sharp look; they’re supposed to respect privacy. But Crockett nods slowly. “I’m also a surgeon there. CT.”

“Trauma.”

They share an understanding in that moment, of what exactly it feels like to be in charge of people’s lives when their own minds are a complex map that seems determined to tear them to pieces. But there is nothing more satisfying than scrubbing in, which she says when it’s her turn to share, and Crockett nods like he gets it. 

“Want to come light up in my car?” Crockett asks after the meeting, showing her a battered tin of what is likely no longer mints. “It helps too.”

Ava smiles a little. “Yeah, sure.”