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< ✉️ letters to santa >
hey minjung,
i don't really know how to start this letter. i don't really know if i want to, either, but i keep seeing you around after the conversation we had at the party and i can't decide what i'm meant to do with this stupid feeling i get whenever i think about how you looked at me when you were leaving the room. it reminded me about how our last two conversations have been arguments too, and of the last time you had that expression on your face -- like you couldn't stand the sight of me anymore. that you were upset you ever knew me in the first place.
i'm sorry you got the short end of the stick. i knew i was being selfish when i approached you in the first place, and even more selfish when i wanted to keep being close to you even though i knew it couldn't last. i think it was because i liked that it felt normal when i was with you. you didn't know anything about me, and you didn't want to, either. it was enough to just exist in silence, right? to sit next to each other and know that it was fine to not say anything. i miss it. they say it's the little things things that matter the most, and i don't think i realised how much existing alongside you meant to me until you weren't there anymore.
when we had that argument last year, you asked me if i regretted anything. if i felt even the tiniest bit apologetic towards you, and i told you i didn’t.
if you asked me now, i don’t think i could give you the same answer.