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[ross-hollander]

"He that wrestles with us strengthens our nerves and sharpens our skill. Our antagonist is our helper." -Edmund Burke

Created using F-777's Gentleman Showdown, and footage by EP!C TV, Buhurt Tech, Skallagrim, MMA Global World, Genz d'armes 1415, Saskatchewanderer, False Edge HEMA, Medieval Swordsman Guild of Kansas City, Pragae Meretrices, Federico Malagutti HEMA, and possibly others unintentionally omitted.

[ross-hollander]

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The tale of Tim, the great Mustard War, and the magic of Christmas.

Created using The Mechanisms' Gunpowder Tim vs. the Moon Kaiser.

The tale is told by Johnny D'Ville, about his brother, "Coughin'-up-your-lungs" Tim. He begins with how, in the reign of Queen George VII, the Moon vanished. Then, in the reign of Queen Coughing Up Your Lungs VII, the Mustard Kaiser constructed a mustard cannon aimed at London.

At the time, Johnny was serving in the 42nd Coughing Up Your Lungs Division, and Tim is enlisted to the war effort by an extraordinarily bloodthirsty recruitment officer who promises limitless carnage in the fight against the mustard men.

Now, as the surface of the moon is too inhospitable, the war instead has to be fought in the lightless, muddy warrens of London. Tim endures this drudging hell four three or four years, until the very eminently thinkable happens: Bertie, his best friend, who enlisted beside him, coughs up his lungs.

Tim, in his grief, abandons the war, seeking instead to teach the mustard men the true meaning of Christmas. He isn't very good at this, slaughtering men, women and children alike in his rampage of festive fury, maddened by the commercial usurpation of the season of joy. Eventually, the Mustard Kaiser has him captured.

Brought before the Mustard Kaiser, Tim is surprised when the Kaiser offers him wine, as the last royal execution left the Kaiser coughing up his lungs, and he'd rather enjoy a jolly Christmas with Coughin'-up-your-lungs Tim.

Tim then sees that Queen Coughing Up Your Lungs VII has, the fighting being in London, accidentally enlisted with the Kaiser's bodyguard. Determined to get first crack at that royal selection of holiday spirits, he tells the Queen to cough up her lungs as a distraction.

In the ensuing alcoholic daze of drunk royals and guards, as Johnny D'Ville's severed head bites at the Mustard Kaiser's twenty toes (four feet? ten per toe? -we may never know), Coughin'-up-your-lungs Tim accidentally activates the mustard cannon that this whole ruddy war was started over, and blows London clean off the map with the condiment superweapon.

[ross-hollander]

Save a Pony, Ride a BattleMech | Music by Ross Hollander | Listen on audio.com

Play Save a Pony, Ride a BattleMech by Ross Hollander on audio.com and discover something new. Listen tracks or upload your own audio files

I have given up on wrangling the audio upload system here. Anyhow. Surely you don't think meat has all the fun; the metal can yearn too.

[ross-hollander]

Joy, thou beauteous godly lightning, daughter of Elysium, fire-drunken we are entr'ing heavenly thy holy home! Thy enchantments bind together what did custom stern divide; every man becomes a brother, where thy gentle wings abide.

Music by GØTTERFUNKEN, gameplay by Zatankować Szczęście, weapon animations captured by The Infinite Mag, translation of An die Freude by William F. Wertz.

[ross-hollander]

"America's children live a terrifying, meaningless existence. There is no hope. No happiness."

Created with Patient Zero's Fading to Grey.

[ross-hollander]

"Our way of life, galaxy-wide / paved with the skulls of those who've died..."

Created with Frank Klapecki & The Tiberian Sons' Grinder Medley.

[ross-hollander]

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A pilot synced and fighting is no soldier. No more than a hurricane is a breeze, a wildfire is a pleasant hearth, or a flood that swallows cities is a slight drizzle. Within the nothingth of a space that joins mind and machine, they are an angel of war.

[ross-hollander]

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When you possess the right grade of megalomania, a trifle like an army tearing through the last redoubts to your palace with your nemesis marching at their head can't hope to put a damper on your ego.

(Artwork from The Liberation of Terra Vol. 2.)