#sleepl

[pterribledinosaurdrawings]

helo i'm fine this is a normal patreon promortion post.

[leporidos]

If you flirt with a haunted doll and call it pretty is it superficial or straight up disrespectfull? Like, would the vessel be considered off limits when atributing sentimental value to it even if it facilitates the conection?

[dodofiasco]

How Ludo went snap

So I would be posting this on my personal blog but family follows that one and I don’t really wanna be hassled by that.

So what had happened was....

For the best several weeks I have simply stopped caring about things. Graduation, commissions, finding a new job. They all seemed like horrible daunting tasks that I can’t do. Every time I would sit down and try to take on one of these tasks, I’d immediately quit and go waste time elsewhere. This also started up on me going into insomnia. Where I’d wake up periodically every hour. Then I got accepted from another job, and that threw me through a loop. However, it’s drug tested and I smoke weed. I started up more heavily just so I can sleep. At the end of the day, if I don’t get the job it’s whatever, I’ll find another one if I cant fake this drug test. The fact that I got it though, shows I’m capable of other things then just shitty retail jobs put me in a strange place. Like  I’m a better person then I thought I was and what I’ve told my self and I was uncomfortable of that. Then the fact that I was uncomfortable about getting a better job seemed even more fucked up to me. I was starting to become self aware of things. Then sleep started disappearing even more. This weekend being the worse case of insomnia I’ve had in a long time. This last weekend, I hardly ate because my appetite disappeared and maybe have had six straight hours of sleep. Today I was looking forward to not having to work. Then I found out I had a three hour call in. At first it was whatever. I was annoyed and joked that I could cry about it. Then I started crying. Then I started hyperventilating. Then suddenly, the things I stopped caring about for several weeks hit me in one singular moment. I felt like everyone around me I have let down. I felt like the absolute worse human being on the face of the planet because my apathy has inconvenienced everyone. If I didn’t go to work, then all of my coworkers, I’d let down. Coworkers I generally care about. And it wasn’t that I couldn’t work this shift, it was that I had to. Not for the obvious work commitments, but because I felt absolutely trapped. Everything around me was a shut door. And if there was an open door, it was waiting to slam in my face by another door beyond it. For one moment, there was no escaping or no going beyond where I am in life. I was stuck. And I was stuck because I put myself there so I deserved it. Then a door did open and it looked like it can open other doors but I still can’t even explain why I don’t want to go through it. I honestly applied at the job when I had shitty self esteem and honestly did not believe I’d get it. Then I found out I could be really good at it. It’s not even a fear thing. I think it’s more of I don’t know how to go through. Then it seems daunting again. 

Even right now, it’s 1:30 am. I should go to sleep. I’m beyond the point of physical and mental exhaustion. For some weird unexplainable reason, I also really just don’t want to. It’s like it’s become this weird foreign thing to me. I seriously can’t remember the last time, I have had a full nights sleep. 

Now, I could try sleep medication. Here’s the kicker. They don’t work on me. I have taken straight melatonin, and other over the counter shit like ambien. I remember people telling me to be careful cause I could get addicted. They did not work at all. I have stayed up an entire nights. Once, for a full 24 hours. Wasn’t even that tired. I joke about being able to stay up for two to three days straight before if I wanted to, and I seriously can. Weed, was a little bit of help. It made me dopy enough to where I can kinda rest and eventually drift off. Did it make me tired though? No. 

It’s like 1:40 now. I can’t even think what to type next. My brain is mushed peas. Peeeeeas. That is all. 

[trollmakt]

*gets drunk on a Twilight drinking game 20 min in* im traaashhh

[angelshizuka]

Oh god, I managed to sleep for 16 hours last night. I do woke up a few times, but just tossed around and fell back asleep. I had no clue what time it was until I got out of bed. And I slept from 8:30PM - 12:30PM

[blewuptheship]

and IIIIIIIiiiiiiiiii

will aways

fall asleeeeeeep at twwwwweeelve

fortythree~